


Rest with Me

by cr3stfallen



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Eye Trauma, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm fucking SOFT for these two, Imprisonment, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, POV Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Psychosis, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, puppy love turns to... haha. actual love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2020-10-06 07:09:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 45
Words: 102,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20502920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cr3stfallen/pseuds/cr3stfallen
Summary: Super slow burn with Dimileth bc I caught the bug bad, I just hope I do my boy justice really. Dramatic retelling of Azure Moon, mostly canon-compliant from Dimitri's perspective with in-depth workings with MI and such. Heavy trigger warnings from Ch 10 onward, I'm not shying away from the painful stuff or skipping the timeskip but I promise I'll make it worth sticking around for.The rape warning is -not- for the main pairing in the fic's Canon, but a nightmare + overseeing someone else.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I REWORKED THE FIRST TWO CHAPTERS and I feel so much better about it now. The first draft just... didn't suit the rest of my fic. I know I mentioned it somewhere along the line but it was bothering me enough that I went back and fixed it, along with one other tiny scene as well where I broke perspective for some reason. OTL. I am but a simple fan who has not written a single serious thing in nearly ten years let me live lol

It always starts small, doesn't it? At the first meeting she seems unimpressed or even wary. They say she’s a cold killer before she comes to the class, an Ashen Demon . Unflinching movements in battle, deadly efficient. Impressive, but something one ultimately couldn't trust with their heart. Entirely at odds with her soft presence and appearance as well, it was disarming in a way that he couldn't quite put a finger on. Either way, a valuable asset and learning tool as he begged for her guidance. Over time, he starts to think that maybe her true self is just harder to notice at first glance; maybe he was wrong. A smile here, a cheeky deadpan joke there, how thoughtful she was, remembering everyone's favorite gifts and knowing just when to grace them so none of the class would lose heart, always the right questions and right movements. The quiet backbone for the Blue Lions, maybe she wasn't heartless. Perhaps she just didn't care for recognition for all she did.

After that realization, everything seemed like an opportunity to crack open the box of intrigue. But intrigue turned to something more…. Admiration? Obsession? He certainly wasn't sure what label to use, but it seemed to matter little in the face of how quickly his worries melted away in her presence. Using the word crush seemed such a petty little thing in comparison, after all she had done for their class, and for him. Especially after he broke down suddenly in Remire a few weeks prior to his horror. Things emerged that he had never intended to show anyone. His shame, his rage, his disgust and true motives. She didn't seem to know how to handle it; after all, he was just her student. He couldn't blame her. 

That brought him to today, where azure skies illuminated her dark blue locks, and the fresh air in the training grounds where the class was currently practicing billowed under the waves of hair framing her soft face. Sweat beaded lightly on her arms and face as she had cast parts of her regular outfit off in favor of comfort for the day. It sure felt like an obsession, as he sat there watching her graceful moves so intently he became unaware of his shouting classmates bustling around him.

"BOAR. I'M TALKING TO YOU." 

Dimitri shook his head to snap back to Felix standing in front of him snapping his fingers frustrated at the lack of response from his daydreaming friend. Sylvain cackled behind him at his distraction with a wink.

"I- I'm sorry what is it!!!" he sputtered in response, starting up straight against the pillar he slouched under. 

"Pay attention, it's your turn. I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but I'm sick of it."

"Yeah your highness, what's the matter? Thinking about who you're gonna ask to dance at the ball?"

As if he cared. The only person he would ask was out of reach. He glared at the two and scoffed loudly as he grabbed his sword and made his way towards the center of the ring.

"I have more important matters to attend to."

More important than unwanted thoughts that seemed to plague him more and more each day. His intrusive thoughts did not pertain mostly to her, though. Images of the dead and suffering clung to his psyche as strongly as her smile. The way her eyes lit up made his heart jump, these new emotions of hers feeling stronger every week and scaring him into silence with their overwhelming intensity despite his best wishes. She had told him as much that it was difficult to emote before joining their class at the monastery, so he took a measure of pride in being the one to help realize it. Despite what a welcome break from his inner demons she proved, he had a more important mission to fulfill he couldn't very well do if he couldn't stop fantasizing about her. Even as they began to spar, he tried and failed to not continue staring directly at her breasts bouncing with every slash of her blade like a depraved animal and not a Prince. It was something he could never hope for in the first place. Perhaps that was why it was so alluring a fantasy to indulge in, amongst other fantasies he knew he could never have. Living a full life. Being happy and loved. Making his family proud. What is one more sin he keeps to himself when waking up in a cold sweat distracted by the one person it would be improper to touch?

He watched as Sylvain jeered at him while Dimitri sparred against their teacher, doing his best to stay focused but faltering quite a few times in his swordplay due to how hard it was to face her directly. As much as he liked it, his strength in lancefaire always seemed to outpace his learning curve in other areas, but he treasured being able to learn from the best as he watched her movements intently. She lunged for a jab, catching him off guard before lazily twirling back around to his other side, tapping him across the ribs.

“Dimitri. You didn’t capitalize on that opening.” 

“Sorry.”

He nodded quickly as they continued, her flat tone a reassurance with the gentle clink of practice blades bashing into each other before she paused once more. 

“Mmm… hang on.” 

Byleth walked forward without another word to demonstrate while Sylvain pausing his halfhearted clash with Ingrid to wink at him over her shoulder. He prayed his blush didn’t betray him any further as her arms gently guided him, twisting his shoulder in place correctly before leading him in a lunge forward with a flick of the wrist. All he could think about was her proximity, nearly falling over in his distraction before catching himself. The Professor just tilted her head in confusion before he chuckled, fixing his hair to deflate some of the anxiety in his limbs.

“I apologize, my sleep has been disturbed as of late… I fear it is affecting my concentration.” 

-

Outside obligated classes, however, he had been avoiding her like the plague. Not for embarrassment or hiding from his feelings, but because she had been stalking the halls and suspiciously eyeing everyone and he could tell she was trying to pick who she wanted to humiliate for the White Heron Cup. Dimitri was _ NOT _interested in that prospect at all. He would die of embarrassment if the entire school got to witness a Prince stumbling over his two left feet. Flighty as hell, he jumped with a squeak when a strong hand clapped across his back in the dining hall after class. 

“Well hello, your Highness! I brought your _ favorite _ person if you would care to have dinner with us~”

Sylvain, and who was his favorite-

_ Oh. Of course he had noticed Dimitri was avoiding her. _

“Good afternoon Sylvain, Professor.” 

He greeted them half-heartedly as he scratched at his face, pointedly avoiding her gaze while she sat down across from them. She seemed utterly indifferent to Sylvain’s antics, immediately digging into her Duscur boar while the other two chatted lightly. Sylvain threw his arm around his friend, catching out of the corner of his eye that the red-head was smirking like a madman. He had been subtly goading Dimitri on for some time now over his draw to the woman, only intensifying in his efforts because of the ‘opportunity’ the ball presented. It wasn’t like he could capitalize on that pull he felt anyway; their stations prevented this thing of his from being anything more than a passing whimsy. He would graduate soon enough, forced to marry off some boring noble he didn’t care for either way, and she would stay here or roam the country again as she did before. Or he would die, though such a casual admittance of his own mortality would shock and disgust most. So he pushed it down, knowing his friend meant no harm. He sighed and took a half-hearted bite. Such was the way of things. His privilege as Prince. His privilege as the sole survivor.

“Well now, you can’t keep avoiding us forever. What’s the deal?” 

"I thought I told you I wasn't talking to you, skirt-chaser." Dimitri mumbled as he sloshed food around his plate absently. Sylvain ignored it as the blonde shrugged the hand off his shoulder roughly.

"Either way, I’m so glad you could join me tonight Professor. Dimitri and I were talking earlier about how interested we were to see who you pick for the White Heron, actually." 

Followed by a wink and Dimitri forcing his gaze deeper into the food in front of him as they sat in short silence. 

"Were you..." 

"Have you made a decision yet? It’s _ gotta _ be someone handsome, charming, well-mannered..."

Byleth gazed up, not her usual blank stare but one of bored disbelief. 

"How come, Sylvain? Are you begging for me to enter you?" A jolt of surprise ran through Sylvain and an awkward overblown laugh as he tried to cover up how badly that backfired. He started poking at the prince's food before speaking once more. Dimitri couldn’t help but smirk at that with a light chuckle, delighting in Byleth’s slowly blooming dry wit over the past few months. 

“You really think I’m handsome then, Professor?? What a twist, after how cruel you’ve been!!” 

Dimitri tried to push Sylvain out of his face and off his plate, his anxiety growing by the minute at his friend’s bad attempts at making him jealous. He couldn’t bear to face her if he was forced to wear that god awful outfit, knowing how showy the dancer class was. His gaze rose to meet hers as he stayed silent; she was as unaffected as ever, chewing lazily on her food. He should have expected as much. Just having dinner with her students, nothing more to it. She continued, sounding as annoyed as she could at his line of questioning.

“Sylvain If you don’t stop taunting me I’m going to put you on stable duty with Flayn again.” 

“Professor, you wouldn't!! Are you sure you don’t want to enter our lovely class leader instead of me? You’re truly missing out not knowing how toned his thighs are und-” 

Dimitri choked on his food before his nerves snapped to kick his friend roughly under the table. That finally roused the lady’s attention as she narrowed her eyes at the two of them. Dimitri's hand clenched tight as he stuffed his face as quickly as possible. Sylvain's jaw dropped in silent agony, flinching away with his soon to be bruised shin from the super-strength his friend accidentally unleashed in panic. Students at nearby tables heard the ruckus and shifted to see if anything had happened before slowly returning to their own conversations. 

“I am _ SO _sorry for his behavior. I do not know why he feels this is an appropriate line of talk!! Especially to you of all people.” 

Sylvain gave him a look that burrowed deep as he tried to soothe the injury Dimitri just gave him, burning under his collar with the intensity of his glare. He knew exactly why his friend had said so, and his gut reaction gave the man exactly what he was hoping for as well. 

_ Foolish boy. _

"Wait, I’m confused.” She asked flatly, apparently missing the subtext despite how blatantly it was thrown in her face. Dimitri gulped hard, ramrod straight at the bench while his friend whined next to him. Hope beyond hope, he begged his dead family that she truly was more clueless than even he was while he continued to avoid her question. 

"I'm terribly sorry, I must go as I forgot about a pressing matter I had to attend to last-minute, please forgive me." The blonde rose quickly and jerked an obligatory bow at both of them, bangs flopping forward over a violent blush he desperately prayed wasn't visible. He left neither of them time to respond before rushing away from the scene of the crime. Sylvain raised both eyebrows suspiciously before side-eyeing his teacher in turn as they watched the prince of Faerghus flee a frantic mess. As soon as he was out of earshot, he soothed his bruised shin with a grimace. 

“Fuck that hurt!”


	2. Chapter 2- Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for putting up with me. I hope it was worth it haha

Things had gone rather smoothly at the White Heron Cup and Millenium Festival for all the chaos the rest of the year held, but that ever-present anxiety stayed stuck in the back of his mind despite it. Byleth chose Flayn as dancer in the end, the adorable girl all too happy to put her skills to use next to all of them. It suited her much better than it would have suited him anyway, being a skilled healer already. Under the bright chandeliers that night, everyone pulled out their best for the ball. All except Byleth it seemed. He tried to temper his disappointment at seeing she had rolled out of bed just as casually as any Tuesday but knew better than to expect much when this was normal for her. Small crowds had formed around each of the most popular students and house leaders on the sidelines, dragging him away from those he wished to be around to play nice with people who he didn’t even know. Across the room, he kept a gentle but persistent eye on Byleth the entire night, slowly trying to gravitate towards her before person after person asked her to the floor just as often as he.

Yet their paths never crossed. He did always yearn for what could never be his, after all. Freedom. Happiness. His teacher. Peace. A safe fantasy he could indulge in private before putting on a brave face as a good leader should. But bitter pangs of jealousy ran through him each time she was taken from to the dance floor far from him, having to half-heartedly entertain well-meaning girls with a smile and the proper dancing El had forcefully instilled in him so many years ago. Back ramrod straight, hand properly aligned just above the small of these girls’ backs as he gazed somewhere else, imagining the soft skin under his hand was hers instead before realizing he had probably insulted his dancing partner with his daydreaming when the song ended. A gentle bow as he bid the current girl with him well, amicable as ever before walking towards the drinks, scanning the crowds for that unique mess of teal hair once more. 

_ She _ was gone. His gaze dropped immediately before a hand clapped on his back, nearly making him crush his glass in shock.

"Hey there your Princelyness~ How are you doing? Did you know, Teach is a natural dancer! Shame she left before you could get a turn though…" 

His fist clenched imperceptibly at his side as he kept his pleasant front up for the house leader with a nod. Jealousy rose in him at that, not realizing that asking her to dance was even allowed in the first place until they both were swamped apart from each other. He shouldn’t be surprised, considering how unconventional her appearance, age, and station was in the first place. As if fighting side by side with someone meant those few years of age between them was an unbridgeable gap. No. The gap was due to his obligations, his fear. Knowing Claude didn’t hold to any of that just made him feel worse. 

"Is that so." 

Claude seemed to have picked up on his inclinations as well, gaze falling to match his own as he smirked up at the blonde. He wanted to go find her… but fear held him back as much as custom before his ally spoke once more.

“You know, she may still hold one song for you if you go quickly. She was headed towards the tower.” 

That was all the push he needed, setting down his glass gently and excusing himself to wade through the crowds bustling with joy, feigning tiredness to get out of talking along the way. He said the tower… wait. Did she know the tales? Would him cornering her there be taken the wrong way? Finally he was free, the cool night air on his collar a welcome break from the heat in the ballroom. It was too late for that now. He had committed to going and speaking with her at least, under the best possible circumstances, now he just had to hope that this was indeed where she had made off to.

On his way over, he found Byleth earlier than expected by the cathedral, his efforts rewarded with the image of his precious teacher glancing up at the full moon with a certain serenity he envied. Illuminated softly by the moonlight as she turned to see who had happened her, he knew he had made a mistake. It was too much to face her smiling softly at him, and he knew he couldn’t help but make a fool of himself with the slightest encouragement. 

“Good Evening, Professor. This night has been rather lovely, has it not? Have you gotten your fill of the festivities?” 

She nodded, taking a few steps towards him while he tried to calm himself. 

“You know, I have one regret. I kept expecting you to ask me for a dance.”

Had she caught him staring? He coughed loudly, pushing that worry down and hoping it was simple civility. It was easier this way, keeping it to one-sided pining for a few more painful months in her class. 

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure of the proper protocol for such a thing until I noticed you with Claude… perhaps that was foolish of me. Shall I make it up to you now?” 

His heart pounded at his boldness despite the circumstance, but he knew he could not live with himself if he didn’t at least get this much to hold in his memories. Byleth’s fluffy hair bounced enthusiastically as she stepped forward with no hesitation. Momentarily, he forgot himself as she stood there before him so serene and happy. If only he could hold this longer. Hand raised delicately, he bowed with all the princely polish he could muster knowing that it was a lie, and knowing she deserved at least that much. Her laugh caught him off guard as she took his offer gently, pulling him up straight once more as she second-guessed her position. 

“I’m sure it’s fine. Manuela was piss-drunk the entire time, what’s a harmless dance? I will warn you I am not very good.” 

“Fair. Do not worry about that, I had a very good teacher as a young child. Do you know who it was, Professor?” 

He waited for a moment, falling in to step and grazing his hand under her cloak against the small of her back. The warmth radiating through the layers against his hand immediately spread across his cheeks as well, praying that the low light would not give him away as he kept the box proper and waited for her to steady her arms a proper distance from him. 

“No, do tell.” 

“Edelgard, my step-sister.” 

A small flash of surprise ran across her features, glancing up at him as he moved her arm further up his own. Try as he might, he could not ignore the earnest curiosity in her face from this distance.

“Did you dance with her?”

Chuckling, he started to move at a slow enough pace she could keep up, though it was difficult to still the shaking from nerves in his hands. Dimitri remained incredibly grateful he had chosen armored gauntlets for all the sweat stuck to him right now, but he kept up the best of fronts despite the worry of wasting her time or making her uncomfortable.

“No. I should think not. She wouldn’t enjoy it, I’m sure. I was an incredibly awkward student, and she was rather harsh in her methods..” 

That was enough to pull him from his self-conscious front and fall into a gentle pace with her, feet on the stone flooring punctuating the silence between them.

“You seem fine to me.” She responded, perfectly timed with her tripping as he seamlessly corrected her, holding her upright under her shoulder.

"After many corrections, I assure you. We are siblings by marriage. My father and her mother married for a short while, and we spent time together then without knowing each other’s station at all.” 

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Well. Yes. Her mother was so kind to me, treated me as if I were her own flesh and blood. Yet for some reason, she never once hinted that she had her own child at all… even so, we became friends for a year. That is when she taught me.” 

“Sounds fun.”

He nodded, twirling her under his arm before switching his grip, drawing her gently back to form and leading her around with a bit more vigor. Before he could regret it, he continued to spill this half-buried memory now that it had decided to come to the surface. He wondered why now of all times his brain decided it was time to reminisce on things long gone.

“It was the time of my life, in many ways. Just one year we knew each other. I feel pathetic looking back on it now, but do you know what I gave her as a parting gift?”

_ Why am I telling her this??? _

“A dagger?” 

The surprise must have been apparent despite his wishes as he chuckled awkwardly, eyes blown wide. Perhaps she did know him better than he thought. 

“Good guess. But I swear it came from the heart!” 

Byleth paused, glancing up at him with the slightest hint of a smirk. Slowly, he was beginning to be able to read her, now knowing that she found it endearing at least. He had not realized he quit dancing in shock, now restarting his movements once more.

“It’s alright. I won’t judge you, you were a kid.” 

“That’s true. It was many years ago. I’m sure she’s long forgotten about our time together, from how she’s acted this year. Things have changed so much, it makes little difference anyway.”

He paused his movements to twirl her once more, wrapping her arms around themselves to end back to chest. It was too close, he noticed as she craned her head up to look at him before he dropped his hold. 

“Anyway… I came because I needed a break from the Festivities. It’s too much at the moment. Professor, would you care to join me? You must be tired of the ball as well if you are all the way over here.” 

She moved a few steps back, sighing heavier than normal as she nodded yes. 

“Far too tired. I am used to rowdy taverns where I can sit in a corner ignored, but here I was swamped the entire night. Thank you for that by the way.”

She started to walk, knowing where the goddess tower was already before he fell in to step next to her.

“For what, my silly story?” 

“No, the dancing. But that too. I like hearing it.”

Dimitri blushed, losing himself for a second. Perhaps this was a mistake. She was too kind, too patient. The still night air around them just amplified how isolated they were as well, nothing but their footsteps and muffled music echoing down the bridgeways they walked away from. It felt too intimate for him to keep his wits about him, knowing how relaxed he got in her presence.

“It’s quiet here, isn’t it Professor? That reminds me. Do you know the legend associated with the Goddess tower?” 

She shook her head with a small smile, following his lead as they walked across the parapet. 

“I’ve heard a bit.”

“Is that right? You don’t strike me as the sort to enjoy stories like that.” 

He could feel the surprise plastered on his face. She was so taciturn, so practical. Not one for getting caught up in gossip or fables. It was partially why he was so drawn to her; she never once made a big deal of his history or took joy in seeing others' secrets. All that mattered was what was in front of her. 

“Gatekeeper told me in passing last weekend.” 

_ Oh. Well that explains it. _

“They say that wishes made in this tower will come true… I wonder who came up with such a silly notion.” 

“You don’t believe it?” 

“Legends are legends, nothing more. I doubt there are many who really believe that wishes can be granted.”

_ Least of all my silly wish. _

His nihilism seeped through, bitterness at fate's cruel treatment of him clinging to his words despite how much he was determined to speak his mind without dragging her down. Before he could stop himself, he was rambling at her about the Goddess and tradition and lost himself in trying to avoid reality in front of him. 

“No matter how hard someone begs to be saved, the goddess would never so much as offer her hand. And even if she did, we lack the means to reach out and grasp it.” 

They rounded the top of the stairs, coming to a stop as she leaned out for the view through the window while all he could do was gaze at her like a pathetic needy puppy. He knew first hand that hoping for more was a fool's errand. He knew first hand that caring for someone meant losing them in the end. So why did he cling to her so strongly despite the risks? 

“In any case, I suppose there’s no harm in passing the time with silly legends. What do you say, Professor? Care to make a wish?” 

When he wished nothing more than to tell her how he truly felt, he hid the rawest feelings behind what he could take back or claim were jokes. Like a coward. The goddess meant nothing to him sure, but she did. Dimitri always put more stock in what was real, tangible. Things he could hold on to and keep safe, and goddess above did he wish he could keep her from harm better than the others in his life now gone. So he goaded her into answering first to cover his shame, only to get rebuffed as she turned to face him.

“A wish of my own…”

Placing his tenuous trust in her, he hoped she would not pick up that he was indeed talking about her. Of course, she did know about his family. Hopefully she would attribute that desire to them. 

“I suppose my wish is for a world in which no one would ever be unjustly taken from us. Or.. something along those lines.” 

Even being honest with himself he had to half-heartedly pull back in fear before she cut him off with a reassurance, glancing at the ground by his feet. He shifted a step closer. 

“I’ll wish for the same.” 

“Thank you for listening to me... Although at a time like this…” 

He paused with his hand on the wall next to her, pulling closer so that their faces were mere inches apart as he continued.

“Perhaps it would make more sense for me to wish that we’ll be together forever. What do you think?” 

_ That is not a promise you can make. Your future is ours. _

As soon as the words left his lips he knew it was a mistake, swallowing hard in the painfully long silence as she blinked up at him curiously, mouth slightly parted as she processed what he said. But she didn’t move, for better or worse. Just frank surprise plastered across her large expressive features, bearing down on him for his impudence until he broke the heavy weight in the air with an awkward laugh. 

  
“I… it’s a joke.” 

Her face immediately fell and his panic doubled. 

“It didn’t sound like a joke.” 

_ Fool. _

She saw right through him as he quickly moved to cover his face, backing away from her just a step and avoiding looking her in the eyes. He had not expected her to respond at all past laughing at him for his idiocy, for he felt his suggestion was so outlandish she would never entertain it in the slightest. 

“I’m sorry. I guess that was rather thoughtless of me.” 

Byleth continued to stare at him, shoulders drooping ever so slightly. He really had not expected her to entertain his joke, much less get hurt by it. Heart heavy in his chest, he kept piling the apologies on but the panic only grew.

“Honestly... I do regret saying such a thing if it hurt your feelings. Please forget I said anything. I’ve blurted out all sorts of irresponsible things in the past to classmates as well. Promises we will see each other and the like. I have no business making such promises for the future.”

Yet she probably thought it was due to his station, not due to him being a doomed monster destined to join his family soon. 

“I have goals I must accomplish, whether I live or die for them. I may not even have a future to give. That… that was my intent at least.” 

He held his hand over his heart, finally looking up at her once more to see she just looked sad rather than injured. Why would she be sad over the brutal truth, though? It was his destiny in the end. There was no happy ending waiting for Dimitri.


	3. Chapter 3- Chill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor bab rlly can't let himself enjoy anything, can he :(

Dimitri left the ball, knowing he would be unable to sleep while his foolish "joke" echoed loud in his head. Instead, he decided that late-night training would perhaps distract from the embarrassment. He wasn't normally that impulsive but, but… something about her struck something inside him he hadn't felt in years. It wasn't even lust either. A yearning, burning need in his chest. He just wished to be near her whenever possible, to soak up her soothing presence. Cool as her blue hair, soft waves washed over his worry addled thoughts every time she was close by. A mystery, but a welcome one. He wasn't sure how he had ever doubted her humanity when now its gentle fastidiousness melted his fears easily. It felt like he could safely rest there, even in the heat of chaos filled battle he found his center more quickly being reminded that she was there. 

But why god _why_, had he opened up so quickly though? That was not his promise to give, nor his future to grant her. His future was not for her, but for the dead. It was tainted with regret and sorrow, things that his beloved professor neither deserved or should take on. Those were his duty and his duty alone, and he knew that releasing his grip on those memories would be more trouble than it was worth in the end. 

His fists met punching bags, throwing every ounce of regret into its unforgiving form as if it would help him atone for being a foolish teen. Dimitri called himself a man, but really other than being burdened with adult concerns far too young, he was a scared child crying out for any ounce of kindness those around him would gift on the undeserving. A mess of a human only fit for killing. 

Or punching. 

Or revenge.

A crush didn't fit those plans, and the upset he felt at falling for simple carnal desires pissed him off. But even with that, he couldn't bring himself to blame her. All she did was care, in her own quiet way. She cared for ALL of them, though. Was he really so selfish to think he could have that all to himself? 

The princes punches slowed, weakened, then stopped. Slumping to the floor, he gave up for the night. Laying there in just his pants and undershirt, the cold winter ground beneath barely penetrated his consciousness. 

_ Selfish _ . 

His life wasn't his. His future wasn't his. Face blank, he zoned out as his breath slowly steadied with every exhale in the frigid training ground until he heard soft footsteps behind him. Blue eyes focused, but he didn't stir. What use was there, they already saw him. His heart stopped when he realized who had come though. 

"Hey… are you okay?" 

Her. The one person he shouldn't be around in his current state, and only a few hours after his previous embarrassment nonetheless. 

"I just… went a bit too hard training. It's nothing." 

She sounded so worried. A teacher concerned for a student. Nothing more. He pushed himself off the cold ground, scared to face her as he tried to steady himself. She spoke again, more urgent this time. 

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt, it's just been a really long day and everyone else has gone to bed. I ran to get some water for tea and noticed you left the door open….." she trailed off before continuing again, "Can I help with anything? Is it your sleep issues again?" 

She paid too much attention. She was too nice. Byleth didn't know it, but every soft word threatened to crash his barriers down. It ashamed the young man to admit such. Finally, after a torturous silence, he turned and spoke. 

"Yes… I mean. I'm. Sorry I joked earlier." 

Chuckling lightly, her face softened. 

"Look. I know you didn't mean it. Don't fret so much. Would having some tea help you sleep better? I'm sure nobody would even notice at this hour if they aren't also breaking the rules. Besides… its. Uh. Freezing out here." 

_ You make it so hard to say no. _ His fists clenched and voice cracked slightly as his gaze turned downward. 

"That is too kind of you… I shouldn't." 

Byleth crossed her arms and shook her head. 

"I won't take no for an answer. Sorry, kiddo. It's my job to make sure you guys are okay." 


	4. Chapter 4- Improper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> slkdfalskdjflsakjdflsakjdflsakjdflaksjdflaskjfdlsakjdflsakjdflskjdf

For how quiet Byleth normally was, it's contrast here was a welcome change. It’s like she knew that the prince wasn't in a talking mood as she softly filled space with simple chatter while they walked in the cold grounds towards the kitchen, grabbing water to wander back to her room around the corner. 

"Chamomile is your favorite right? I think I remember but it's a lot and I have this huge bag of shit you guys keep dropping everywhere and half of it doesn't even belong to my class… I'm just trying to help but like… nobody ever explained anything about how I was supposed to do this job and it's honestly kind of intimidating see… I'm used to battle where the only thing that matters is your skill and here I have to pretend to be charming and confident teaching people who are…." 

she finally paused her cute rambling to look up at him by her door. His gaze glued to the floor the entire way, catastrophizing all the possible ways his horrible emotional control could ruin his life if she intended to drag him in  _ private ... to… her... _

"So much taller and more important than I." 

_ Important? Does she mean me?  _

"Oh…. I. Wouldn't say that." 

Title alone doesn't make a man. Or beast. He wanted to comfort her even though every cell in his body screamed at him to run, or fight, or kiss her, or profess, or scream, or or or ... let her soft smile usher him gently in.

"Fighting is simple. Straightforward. But explaining to a group of strangers what you just innately know is harder than it looks." She shut the door gently behind them, placing her lit candle down on the round table before leaving him fidgeting awkwardly in the corner, doing his utmost hardest to not make it obvious he was soaking in every detail and also freaking out. If this was supposed to help, he wasn't sure how. Surely she had no idea  _ she _ was the cause for distress earlier. Surely he couldn't tell her as he watched her silently fixing things up, setting the water down, shrugging off her cloak and shoulder armor, and shuffling around in her cabinets for what was assumed to be her tea stash. Dimitri just silently watched, unsure what was appropriate but making sure to soak up every detail, from the curve of her neck as she brushed her hair back, to her toned legs bent over in those cursed printed tights... 

“I understand the sentiment, somewhat. I’ve been told the same concerning my crest as well. At least, I guess that’s what this strength is from. I can’t really tell others how I got here either, it just sort of happened.” Wasn’t that true of most of his life, though. Stumbling from disaster to disaster, gifting girls daggers, losing everything he cared for, fighting innocents, having to defend his birthright before he even understood the meaning…

The blonde was quickly pulled back to the present problem when she started with a “hah.” before watching the woman return to the table to place the tea in it, noticing he hadn’t budged at all from where she had initially let him in. 

“Hey what’s wrong, come sit, please. I assure you, it’s fine.”  _ Was it really though?  _ She was testing his limits without even knowing, though she could tell something was off she was unaware it seemed of the true nature of his distress.  _ Just… bullshit your way through it. Go back to your room safely, think of those soft legs around… FUCK.  _

He shook his head as if it would clear his unfocused mind before cautiously sitting across from Byleth, who was reclining gently and stretching her tight toned shoulders that gently lifted her chest  _ aaaannnnndddd that didn’t help his focus at all.  _ Dimitri’s heart pounded even heavier in his chest just sitting in silence here than it did while he was pounding away at the bag in training earlier, as his serious ice blue eyes avoided her soft gaze for fear of breaking down entirely. The professor seemed a bit confused, well. As confused as she normally showed, at any rate, while she rested her chin in her palm on the table across from a very uptight man looking like he was going to jump out of his skin at any moment. The fluffy-haired woman just sat in silence, waiting for him to snap back so she could potentially help him even if it was just a tiny bit. 

“I… ah. How do I say this.” she waited patiently further while he quietly started, closing his eyes to avoid her large beautiful eyes as they bore straight through him. He couldn’t bullshit her. He would just… fudge the details. That works. 

“I’ve been a bit preoccupied and it’s worrying me. I can’t lose sight of my goals but I..” 

Byleth gasped lightly. Had she really found him out so easily? Did Sylvain’s mouthing off ruin this already?

“Is it friend trouble? Is it a crush?” 

_ A crush? _ His face must have betrayed him because she continued after seeing him react. His teeth clenched tight as he prayed harder than he had in years she wouldn’t find him out. It wouldn’t make anything better if she did. But she was treating this more like a mentor than equal so the worries were probably not valid… probably.

“Have you never had one before? That is it right? Come on, it’s really nothing to be ashamed about unless you feel I’m not the right person to talk to.” Byleth reached over and gently poured them both some tea, casually crossing her leg and leaning back again. “I mean, I get it. We are probably a bit too close in age for this to really work as me advising you or whatever... Ugh. Maybe this was a bad idea. You look positively terrified right now.” 

He was almost hurt at that, starting up quickly in response with a panicked tone. 

“N-no! That’s.. Not it. I mean. Yes. It is. I can’t do anything about it though. It’s a waste of time to hope for it I have far more important things to deal with than…” he took a cautious sip of tea. It was indeed his favorite. How she knew was beyond him though.  _ See, that was what got him so worked up! She didn’t have to do any of this and yet here she was, entrusting all this undeserved gentleness on a beast without even thinking. _ He worried it would reflect badly on her even trying to help this night. She sighed, breaking her fixed look at him finally to stare down at her tea. 

“Even if you feel it’s doomed, please just know you’re allowed to feel this. It’s up to you what you do with it.” she paused with a chuckle. “I’m not the best at stuff like this, forgive me. I know I don’t emote much but I do try to pay attention, what with like… your? Headaches? I just don’t want the house leader to accidentally die in my care. Rhea would never forgive me.” 

He relaxed a bit at those words, sipping more. _“You’re allowed to feel this.” _It was far too kind to someone who never allowed himself the space to process much feeling at all. The last bit just impressed on him that he was probably mistaken; she wasn’t aware. _Good._ _Push it down._

“It’s.. quite alright Professor. I know it’s foolish. I just hoped that it would go away but it’s only gotten worse.” He looked up at her earnestly. “I promise I will try to get more sleep if it will ease your worries.” Dimitri gulped down hard, knowing he was probably lying to her just then. White lies were okay, right? He didn’t want her to deal with his bad decisions any more than she was…

With a sigh, the young teacher seemed halfway convinced at least as she rose without a word, apparently finishing and beginning to rummage around her messy room for something. He found his feet quickly, glad to be free of her beautiful gaze finally and able to flee from the temptation to break down. 

“Dimitri?” he turned from by the door to face her. Byleth’s tiny hand concealed something for him apparently, so he reached one step forward to take it from her. A small bag of some kind was pressed into his palm. 

“Herbs. Rhea told me they help with nerves and so I started growing my own. Maybe it will help you sleep.”  _ Why was she so kind?  _ “Also, please. For the love of Sothis, don’t get advice from Sylvain. Just be yourself and I’m sure she will love someone as kind as you.”  _ That’s MY line. _

His face betrayed a harsh blush at just how close she was, smiling softly. He couldn’t stand it any longer. Just a taste.  _ Anything. _ Then he could lay it to rest. 

Against his better judgment, he grabbed Byleth’s face and placed an awkward kiss on her lips.  _ Soft… so soft…  _ Then panic at what he had done washed over him as she stood processing what just happened mouth agape.

  
“I! I’m so sorry! That was improper of me!” Dimitri fumbled with the door for two torturously long seconds before it gave way, opening his escape from embarrassment at doing the  _ ONE _ thing he had promised he wouldn’t. Nearly breakneck running back to his room, before crashing inside while shaking. _ What the fuck was wrong with him???  _


	5. Chapter 5- Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YO my poor dude is not gonna make this easy I'm sorry lol 
> 
> Also happy Dimileth week I am far too slow to really participate but I've been trawling the tag for stuff and I'm like honestly stunned by how fanatic our little group has become in such a short time. It's wild, most times I'm attached to tiny ships and then this happened and I'm like so thirsty for more of them  
;A;

_ Byleth smiled up at him for approval as he gazed down at the woman by his crotch. Breath hot so close to his straining bulge that yearned for her touch... she pulled it out of his tight pants with ease before greedily taking his length around her small soft lips…  _

And Dimitri woke with a start to rapping on his door, finding his pants wet yet again for the third time this week. At least it wasn't his usual nightmare this time. But kissing her the night before had been a mistake for sure for it didn't quell his desire in the least. Disoriented, the prince cried out in shock as he tried to shake the grogginess away in a rush before hearing Felix's muffled whining from the other side. 

"Get up you idiot! You're late for our sparring session. Were you up late again?"

"I ah.. yes I couldn't sleep." Or rather, he got to bed behind schedule even for him. He hardly ever overslept even if rest came late, but perhaps seeing his favorite person in such a quiet setting had calmed his mind? Tripping over his pants to get a fresh pair, Dimitri tried to ready himself for the day before busting the door open so he could finish without his friend waiting at a blank door. 

"I'm terribly sorry, the ball seemed to have taken a bigger toll on me than anticipated. Big crowds make me grow weary." The other's eyes narrowed as Felix crossed his arms. 

"You did seem rather preoccupied. I really hope you haven't done anything  _ risky  _ now." Dimitri gulped hard, aware of the connotations since Sylvain had told half the  _ damn  _ class his little problem. "Though I must say, a horny animal is preferable to a violent animal. You can't honestly be foolish enough to try anything smart with her, but I've been surprised before by your idiocy." The blue-haired man shook his head with a scoff as he seemed ready to go, being met at the door by the predictable eavesdropping of Sylvain's fluffy mop poking around the door frame. 

"I heard horny animal and for once it wasn't about me. I gotta know what happened! You didn't ask her to dance so I'm deadly curious now." He chuckled and let the other two past as Dimitri shut the door behind him quietly before quickly striding down the hall hoping the redhead would drop it quickly, as he was still hurt by him telling everyone that he fancied the professor. 

"Nothing happened. Please. Let's drop it." 

The prince set as brisk a pace as his long legs allowed outside, nearly sprinting to the training grounds while Sylvain quipped back with a laugh. 

"You have  _ always _ been the worst liar Dimitri. C'monnnnnn… I can't help if you don't fill me in, your highness." Dimitri stopped dead in his tracks to stop and throw a seriously annoyed glare at him.  _ How dare he, after breaking my trust already??? _

"What? And have one single date before scaring her off as you do? I do not need your help." Felix gave a rare guffaw in response at Sylvain's humiliation, throwing his head back in glee before he continued walking, followed shortly by the prince as they left the other behind for their fighting match before breakfast. 

At the very least, Mr. Fraldarius knew when to shut up and let the weapons do the talking. Dimitri was surprisingly light on his feet that morning, even more so than usual and managing to land a few blows on the quick swordmaster to his surprise. Despite being not as proficient in swordsmanship, he didn't seem to notice the difference, but Felix certainly did. His curiosity grew as they made their way to breakfast a short while later. The two passed by the mystery person of the hour by chance, who happened to be attempting to carry an unwieldy box of weapons to their classroom. Dimitri eagerly bolted over to help her, taking the box with ease as Byleth blinked in surprise, leaving the other behind. 

"Thanks, Dimitri. I probably should have made two trips." His heart swelled every time her gentle lips uttered his name.  _ Those.. lips _ . He blanked, staring at them imagining all the things he had dreamt about not half an hour prior before she parted them in confusion and cleared her throat. 

"I.. it's nothing. I'm glad to help. Good morning, by the way." He smiled down at her, not noticing Felix rolling his eyes a bit behind them where he had been abandoned before the man gave up to get breakfast. As they walked back to their classroom, he mustered up the courage to speak again rather meekly.

"I… um. Professor. Is it alright if I perhaps talk to you later about." He paused, biting his lip in worry. "Things." 

_ Things I should not have done. _

"Things." After he plopped the box down, she chuckled lightly, head lolling with a bounce as she sifted through the messy pile of Leonie's freshly oiled practice blades for later that week.

_ How could she be so nonchalant about me doing such a "thing" without permission?? Is she insane?? _

As if she had forgotten completely, a beat later she added "Oh!!!  _ Things. _ Yes. Of course no problem. Whenever your schedule allows. I think I have more tea since you seem to enjoy that." Byleth was far far too casual, and that would make it even harder for the prince to make amends on abusing her kindness earlier with unwanted advances. Only part of his uptight nature was due to upbringing and it bothered him particularly in situations such as this.

_ Tea. Again. Was she teasing him?  _

-

In the end, he couldn't turn down anything the woman asked and tea was had two torturous days of waiting later when their schedules both cleared. Small talk as usual to start off, but he grew more nervous as the time ticked by sitting there with her softly bantering about fancy weapons she had seen in travels while the young man bounced his leg anxiously waiting for the right moment to bring up his transgression. He hadn’t touched his tea the entire time, just bringing it up to his lips shakily to smell it before losing his thoughts yet again. 

Finally, space opened up in their talk for him to interrupt with dead seriousness. Dimitri pushed his chair back, rising and bowing deeply. He prayed that his shakiness didn’t show too much as he spoke to the ground for a few seconds before sitting again as he spoke, giving no room for rebuttal until he was finished.

“Professor, please. I have to beg your forgiveness for touching you like that. I don’t know what came over me, truly. You deserve better and I… I don’t rightfully know why I felt the need to do so. You were just talking so casually and I, I think I have been confused lately. Perhaps it’s just me mistaking a sense of comfort I get around you for something else, but I do not wish to ruin anything for either of us with my foolish actions. If I may be frank, it's difficult not having many I can truly relax around and I appreciate all the kindness you've shown me and the other students a great deal, perhaps a bit too much.” 

"You didn’t do anything wrong….” Byleth paused, glancing at the ground. “But..." 

"But…?" _Was that a blush?_ His brows knit together in confusion. _But what?_

The voices of the dead echoed loud in his hollow skull, cries of anguish punishing him for opening too much:  _ but you don't deserve this kindness. You should be dead like us. Don't waste your time with this. she's giving you an easy out, take it.  _

_ TAKE IT.  _

_ PUSH HER AWAY.  _

"tri… hey… Dimitri… are you…" He snapped back as a tiny hand laid over his own, confused and worried at her reaction across the small table and unsure how long he had sat paralyzed with guilt, breaths way too ragged for a relaxing tea session. Mouth agape, he grasped for words to say and came up short while he gripped tighter at his leg. The young man remained unable to remove his other hand despite not feeling much through his gloves. If she knew what that simple gesture did… 

Byleth instead waited patiently, squeezing again and trying in vain to read his expression with those kind eyes that threatened to melt him down again. He was trying to convince himself more than anything that it was a mistake, to no avail.

_ Don't… do that… so gently… _

She spoke softly again, trying to make sure he was paying full attention with a tilt of her head pushing soft blue hair onto her cheek.

“Dimitri, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve heard the kids talking and was worried that’s all. You mean too much to all of us to hold a grudge over a misplaced kiss. At the very least, I’m flattered that you look up to me this much.” 

"P-please… professor. Don't say things you don't mean." He pulled his hand away and stared at the grass, distraught. So close in age, yet she acted far beyond him in grace and maturity despite growing up with gruff men. The blue-haired woman remained unconvinced that he was okay. Gaze boring right through him as he sat there, she finally spoke again. 

"You know I don't waste my time with empty flattery." 

He laughed lightly, trying to diminish how hard the kindness was to absorb. It had been so long since he had allowed himself the room to simply exist without ten barriers of emotional protection over the extra armor he wore on top of his uniform already. 

"I'm sorry. I did not mean to insinuate such. Please don't… waste your time on me. It's fruitless. I just wished to let you know I regret taking advantage of you the other night." 

"Why do you feel you are a waste of time, then? I'm confused. I was not put out, stop apologizing." Dimitri gulped, trying not to cry. She almost sounded annoyed as his dismissal, tilting her head to the side as he finally met her cryptic gaze again. Stern but caring, his teacher was trying with all her might to ascertain his mood. Good luck. He wasn't even aware of what he truly felt, especially after her cryptic answers here. Honestly, what the hell did she mean by any of this??

“As you wish.” 


	6. Chapter 6- Hollow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeralt does his best

Dimitri found himself struggling to settle his thoughts, deciding on a late-night study session to hopefully exhaust his mind. Professor had done absolutely nothing to help his case either way at tea the previous day and her words taunted him. So hiding in old church records it was, pouring over memorizing names of stuffy old nobles of this house or that crest or this esteemed lineage, hoping to find something that might lead him to the mystery people behind his family loss years ago. That day had irrevocably changed his life, and set him on the course he currently held to in his attempt to set the dead at rest for good. But _ she _ threatened that. His family _ needed _ him, and he couldn't drop the silly antics long enough to actually…. _ gah. _

_Yet again, unable to be of any use._ _Another fruitless night. _

His head thumped gently onto the book in front of him with a groan before giving up for the evening, only slightly more confused and exhausted than before. He placed the records back on their shelf gently before walking out to quietly attempt sneaking past the sleeping instructors in the only exit before noticing a cracked door and light inside. 

_ At this hour? Wait whose room was this again? _

His answer was questioned by a soft booming baritone that happened to be already standing by to shut the door, noticing the blonde that absolutely should not be out and about at this hour. Sir Jeralt, of course. How could he forget? 

"Oh, Dimitri. What are you doing up this late?" 

_ Shit. I can't get in trouble for breaking curfew. _

"Good evening sir I… uh. Couldn't sleep so I was doing some study to help tire me out." 

A light chuckle as the door opened more. 

"Come in for a minute, it doesn't seem to have worked all that well kid." 

The prince nervously scanned the hallway to assure himself the coast was clear before stepping into Jeralt's room. He had only glanced in the other instructors and knights rooms a few times save the infirmary, having not much use being up here as most of his days were spent on physical training, not mental. Surprisingly cozy for the short time the Eisner's had been at the Monastery, Dimitri found himself surrounded by a mishmash of ten different lives all crammed into one cluttered large room that smelled of leather; He even recognized a few Duscur artifacts and Faerghus style ornate mugs amongst the scattered memories of a traveled old knight and man for hire. Had he known a life up there at one point for all these memoirs? It seemed quite a lot for a traveling mercenary to be honest. 

"Is… are you sure this is alright? I was worried you would report me to be honest, so I wish to explain myself if possible…" 

"Don't bother. It's not my issue to take if my kid is keeping you up working hard. I'm kinda surprised she's taken to leading you rowdy bunch so well." 

Dimitri hung his head with a gentle chuckle. Sure, she was keeping him up, but not with study. 

"I was not quite sure what to expect when Rhea announced Miss Byleth's assignment but now I must agree, she's exceptional." A hand went to his chin as his face lit up. "I don't think I've ever felt this eased under pressure before, thanks to her. Fighting is tough but I somehow always know that things will end up okay hearing her shout across the field at us." 

Jeralt cleared his throat, apparently seeing something the young man wasn't as his hardened gaze pierced right through him. Dimitri gulped, looking around anxiously. 

"Did I… say something? I apologize for being so frank about your daughter." 

An eyebrow raised. "No. It's nothing, your Highness. I just have a hunch." 

"Pardon? I'm… not quite sure what you mean." 

The older man's gaze softened at that admission for some reason. Ignoring his worry, Jeralt plopped down in the large desk chair and reclined to prop his feet up before grabbing a flask from his breast pocket and starting a monologue while staring absently at the packed bookshelves. 

"You know, her mother. She always smelled of lavender. I hardly talk of her but that smell always takes me right back every time things get bad so I keep a satchel of it on me at all times now. Both hurts and helps. Sometimes I will hear someone who sings like her, or the same shade of hair she had, or her favorite color and I have to hold it together. She used to do fantastic embroidery even! The little things... She was gone so fast, barely a few years we had before everything went to shit. But it was enough to fill a lifetime. And our love gave me Byleth." He sighed, closing his eyes with a smile.

"That's treasure enough." Jeralt paused to take a swig, offering the small bottle to the young man growing more perplexed by the minute. Dimitri knew deeply the pain of forgetting loved ones and hoped there was a good reason he was divulging all this. Did Byleth even know such things about her own mother? Mr. Eisner was such a stoic man, she had to have picked up her cool demeanor from him and yet here he was, so emotionally vulnerable. Out of character yet, somehow extremely welcome. 

"I am honored you told me all this. You don't seem to speak much, about your wife or otherwise. But I must ask, why? I simply lost track of time while looking up family records and… I don't quite understand..." 

The older man smirked back, taking back his arm after the offer was left unanswered by the other and sipping down another bit of what was presumably booze. 

"You know? I couldn't tell you. I guess I just know that look in your eyes too well. Reminds me of myself back then." 

Dimitri felt his throat catch, gaze rising from the ground to stare back at him like a startled puppy as he guessed the meaning that could be behind that phrase. He dare not ask clarification, feet shifting beneath him as he fidgeted with his finger armor before Jeralt started up again.

_ That look in your eyes… was it so painfully obvious? _

"I know she's hard to read, but she's a good kid. Be patient." A pause before a more annoyed tone, "And no, I'm not gonna report you. I don't care for Rhea's stupid rules and she knows as much. Besides, you seem to have bigger things on your plate. Don't fret so much and remember the little things that make it all worth it okay? Go get some rest." 

Dimitri couldn't remember the last time he had been given such kind advice and from Jeralt of all people. Was this his blessing? The knight was so hard to read, but it certainly felt that way. Lacking a father now had apparently left a bigger hole in his heart than he previously thought, as he felt on the verge of tears from the unexpected kindness. Bowing deeply, Dimitri finally answered the man. 

"Thank you. Truly. I… sort of grasp what you mean and I swear on my life I will do my best to cherish this." 

  
  


-

  
  


A few days later, the church had called the Blue Lions to an emergency mission near Garreg Mach, leaving without much prep after Jeralt had instructed. Ten short minutes was all they were given to gather everyone for a short march out to the fields surrounding the monastery. The entire class was a rush to get ready despite being unsure what the issue truly was, Annette frantically screaming as she tried to remember all that she needed and Felix stretching and goading everyone on to hurry as he passed each room down the hall with a booming slap on each door in the house. 

Finishing their pre-battle rituals in haste, the troupe made their way out with Jeralt leading, finding a group of beasts that should not have been as close as they were to both the town AND monastery, having their merry way nearly killing passers-by until the Blue Lions stepped in to halt their progress. 

It was a rough battle, Annette being cornered at one point in fear before Bernie drew the beast's attention with a critical hit to its eye while the mage could run for cover. Sylvain getting a bit battered and bruised trying too hard to impress the newcomer as well, both of them being mounted units and often finding themselves traveling together ahead to clear a path for the heavy hitter precision units behind like Byleth and Dimitri. The two ended up separated at one point from the rest, the class barely able to hear her directions and accidentally getting Dedue injured as the teacher tried to compensate from being overwhelmed while freeing a child stuck against the wall in terror. Dimitri was more than happy to cover her as the exhaustion set in, chaos swirling around fatiguing her more so than usual it seemed. 

Ducking for cover behind the nearby grove, he heard a cry from her behind him as he glanced back to catch her stumbling backward from an unexpected blow. 

_ I have to help. _

No other thoughts mattered at that moment, singularly focused he was as he ran and jumped in front of her to slice the arm of the demonic beast she was attempting to ward off. Sylvain and Bernie on their way, but not quite close enough to drag it off her trail yet, Dimitri cried as he dove into the mud underneath the infernal thing, swiftly severing the tendons of a back leg in passing before he kept sliding past it with a yelp, leaving him wide open. 

He thought he heard a cry from the other side of the beast, but it would take a few seconds to steady himself from the dive bomb that had thoroughly destroyed his uniform. Luckily, Byleth had recovered enough to cast her newfound faith magic at the arm he injured in passing, and left the infernal thing dazed for a short while with its unholy howl of rage. Sylvain leaned down to pull the Prince up quickly onto the horse, jumping behind him onto the steeds back so they could double around and cover their most precious asset in time. 

Rounding the corner, he hopped off Sylvain's mount quickly to see a frantic, rain-soaked woman fiercely cutting at sinew and deftly dodging dangerous claws; the woman that had originally stunned him with her precise moves was now screaming at him with a fierce intensity he had only seen once prior as she slid around in the mud. 

"DIMITRI, NOW." 

Her hair stuck to her face as she pointed up, he understood immediately, catching the beast as it lunged towards her in one final attempt as the blonde steadied himself, meeting its energetic death throes with a projectile silver lance between the eyes. A crit, naturally. 

The creature slumped over with a pathetic whine, piercing the drowning cacophony of rain over the scene, everyone slowly catching their breath as Byleth scanned the group for anything amiss. Mercie was patching Dedue up as they walked forward, Jeralts hand at Byleth's shoulder from his mount as they all collectively came down from the high of overexertion at the hands of an unexpectedly rough fight.

Bernie had turned to the only other unrelated bystander left at the scene after all was said and done, the trapped but unscathed Monica who Byleth has originally rushed to cover. She had known the odd girl more than the rest of them, having just transferred over from the Black eagles after months of sharing a class.

"Are you okay?? I hardly noticed you out here."

Felix scoffed somewhere behind as the rest of the class slowly left the scene after Professor okayed the results, leaving just the Eisners and a muddy Dimitri. The familiar redhead they had already previously saved in the tomb came up to thank them for making sure everyone caught up in the ambush were safe, and her having been saved a second time. He did not care for her, and turned to leave before realizing in horror what had happened not seconds later. Jeralt fell, Byleth quickly falling to catch him as Dimitri tried to stop Monica before she seemingly disappeared into thin air????

It happened too fast, Byleth's eyes going wide before she collapsed by her only family, trying to stop the bleeding at his back. He was the only one to see her like this and it tore him apart inside watching the life slip away from her only connection left. The Lions were almost too far to notice, being dragged back one by one to the sad scene with a gasp, their normally stoic teacher shaking in pain as the rain pelted down on them. His chest tightened as he heard her quietly crying, pangs of understanding ringing deep in his soul as he inched closer. The students gathered around her at a safe distance, shock and despair setting in deep over the gloomy scene. Annette started silently crying, clinging to Mercie tightly. Felix could barely look at it before turning away to stare at Sylvain’s vacant look.

Dimitri just stood there in silence a few feet behind her while she held Jeralt, not wanting to break the mood too soon. Why did he have to leave? Why did they have to lose more people? Rage welled up inside as he finally understood why Monica was so eternally helpess, and missing for a full year??? They were fools to trust it wasn't a ruse. If only he had been smarter, paid better attention, Byleth wouldn't have gone through the same pain that had ruined his own life. 

_ How could I let this happen?? _

She looked so pathetic, slumped over his limp form and clinging with an intensity Dimitri didn't know she was capable of. Why, gods, why did it have to happen because of a loss like this? Merciless goddess above, torturing people with reckless abandon and no thought for the plights of those below, tearing away beloved family and lovers and friends as if Sothis herself was simply pruning her field of errant weeds instead. 

But each person has worth. Has meaning. And this one, a great deal of it. Losing Jeralt was hard for him to comprehend as well, especially after his kind words started ringing in the Prince's ears like a hollow deathbed wish he hadn't known he was making to the young man. He meant a lot to many people, Alois, Rhea, Byleth, Catherine… Losing good men was never easy but one you knew well? It gnawed as his soul just as much as the voices of his own lost family. 

_ "Be patient with her. _"

After a short while, his shaky hand raised to touch her shoulder with all the gentleness he could muster. 

_ Professor….. no…. _

"Byleth…" His voice faltered, grip slowly intensifying on her as she stilled. 

"Please…" 

Her shoulders slumped in resignation, sniffling silently before she gently placed the cooling body on the mud below with a sad reverence. He glanced at Dedue and the others, hoping they would take proper care of her father’s form, but as long as he could get her safely back for now that would be enough. It was a long moment before she stirred, his hand warming through her soaked cloak a gentle grounding tethering her back to reality before it could crash down around her. 

Then she turned with the most pained expression at him, searching for answers they both knew he didn't have in his eyes. All he could do was extend his hand, eyes hurt at seeing her like this, hair stuck straight to her and starting to shiver from the shock and cold. His mouth opened to say something, then closed. Words were insufficient. She broke the gaze and took his hand, prying herself regretfully away from the scene as she gripped white knuckles at her lifeline. They slowly made their way back to the monastery in heavy silence. She never broke her iron grip, shaky as her cold hand was in his.

  
  



	7. Chapter 7- Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of my favorite parts of AM was these two months ;w;  
I really love how complex his feelings are at this point as well, fighting between what he wants and what he feels he has to be. Gahhh.... I really hope I can end up starting the real angst this month as well for Dimicember ahaha  
I'm... mostly ignoring prompts and mostly just using his birthday month as inspiration to write more so eh

Later that evening, Dimitri was held behind the rest of the class for a few minutes. Sitting on the bench near the audience chambers, Rhea had excused the rest of the class, trying to hold Byleth back with him as well before he insisted she be let go. The Professor was in no position to give a briefing on what happened, rain-soaked and traumatized as she was. It still didn't feel real to him either, watching the same pain reflected in her eyes that he knew all too well as he wrung his hands nervously together. It still felt fake, despite the water slowly dripping from his head and armor to the floor below in a pathetic puddle. There was nothing he could do in the end to stop Jeralt from dying. Useless. A failure. And now Byleth would pay for his weakness, just as his family did in Duscur. A heavy sigh as he worried over her state with his heart heavy, waiting until he could rush to her aid before he was pulled from his thoughts by the Archbishop's voice. 

"Prince Dimitri. I am so sorry for the unprecedented ambush on our hallowed grounds this day. If you desire, I can put off requesting a formal report." 

He couldn't pull his gaze from the ground despite her station, simply nodding to the floor in resignation as he gripped his hands tighter on his knees. 

"Thank you, Archbishop. I can take care of it for her as well." 

It was the least he could do after letting her down. Disgusted with the world, scared and hopeless seeing that masked man and Monica get away with all these heinous acts without remorse. How anyone could abide by that was beyond him. It made him want to puke, trying to stay focused on Rhea's words as she continued telling him protocol before sending him off. Immediately, he left after a bow to go walk down the hall as calm as he could muster, catching Byleth spacing off in Jeralt's room. While rifling quickly through Jeralt’s writings, her thoughts were broken by footsteps behind, and a soft familiar voice. The only one other than Sothis she truly wished to be near at this time, to her relief. He could read it in how heartbreakingly transparent her silent plea for help was, written in the furrowed brow over her empty eyes.

“There you are. Lady Rhea is looking for you, Professor.” 

Dimitri was more worried than he had been in quite some time, seeing her like this. It looked like Byleth had been crying again. He gracefully passed over remarking on her red face and wet eyes, simply offering to join her for a meal. A quiet assurance, something tangible to hold onto. Small things to keep her moving forward. His fastidious kindness was often too much to bear and at the moment it threatened to break her down further still. He cautioned opening up more to her, praying that it was what she hoped to hear. 

“As for what happened to Jeralt… I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything to stop it.” 

He knew better than to continue blaming himself for things outside his control, but his mind would not let him. Something inside stung, pricked at him that he was weak for being unable to alter the future for her, that he caused her to undergo the same pain that was his undoing as well. 

“Stay here until you’ve found some peace. I’ll cover for you with Lady Rhea and everyone else.” 

Barely a whisper, he caught her chin quivering from the edge of his vision. 

“Thank you…” 

He held himself back, but his fingers burned with the need to hold her close and never let go. To stop her from falling to the same pain as he. To find a way to reverse it, to make damn sure that she didn’t have to suffer alone. But he knew that pushing too fast too soon was riskier than anything especially with all the knights so close by, and settled for easing her guilt even the tiniest bit in the mean time. 

“We’ll be waiting for you whenever you’re ready to return to us. I don’t believe it’s a sign of strength to just keep moving forward no matter what. Taking the time to grieve for those we’ve lost… there’s strength in that too. That’s what I think, anyway.” 

His intense eyes met her own, soft and welcoming. He spoke from raw experience, and she willfully let him open his hard-earned wisdom to her like a precious gift. 

“That said… it’s also important to remember that no matter how sad you are, eventually your tears will dry up. That’s when you have to figure out what it is you’re living for. Then you can cling to that, with all your might, and start moving forward again.” 

“What I’m living for?” 

He paused, relating to her in an entirely new light with his own loss she had only caught glimpses of before. His motivations, pushing him to get up and continue living. But what a hypocrite he was. Lately, Dimitri had felt his mind pulled in a new direction. One that accidentally showed itself at his rash words at the goddess tower, or his rash actions at their late-night tea, or at every moment he covered for her in battle with little regard for himself. Guilt overcame him at betraying his lost family, but he found it harder and harder to deny feelings stronger than him. Not love, not lust. Just pure care and devotion to her. He knew not why it was her, but there it was. Unavoidable and rising strong enough to burn him if he came too close to it. And so he wondered, then and there while gazing at her broken face; 

_ Could I live for both the living and dead? _

“No matter what happens or what anyone may say, know that I plan to stand by you, Professor. Through anything. Until the bitter end.” 

  
  


-

A few days had passed in heavy silence over their classroom. All of them have shown up dutifully each morning, to just study on their own with the ticking of the clock resounding louder than it ever had over the rain pelting down outside. Seteth watched over them at times to cover for Byleth’s absence, small chunks of the day devoted to the teachings of the gods while Sylvain drifted off until he left them to independent research. Midland Fódlan was extremely wet in winter; at least the sound was a soothing drone despite ruining plans with its frequency. None of them had the strength to break the heavy silence, just a few soft giggles from the two gal pals and Sylvain snorting awake from a nap punctuating the air occasionally. Felix had blown them off unceremoniously to go train alone in the mud after one day, muttering how pointless moping was waiting for her to return. 

They all were worried, frankly. Professor was always so punctual, together, cool, unbothered. And now she was just…. Gone. Finally, in the early afternoon the third day Dimitri pushed his chair back with a scrape, everyone turning to stare at the unexpected break in mood. 

“I cannot stand this any longer. Please allow me to go to her.” 

Mercedes’ soft voice reassured his impulsivity, filling the silence that had gone on far too long.

“Please, go ahead Dimitri. I’m sure you more than anyone could reach her and do some good… Bring food at least! I believe in you.” 

Annette nodded her assent, Sylvain sighing heavily in relief as well. They all knew something had to be done, three days with no word was enough to make them all worry greatly considering how out of character it was. Byleth meant a lot to every student there and they all wished her to come out of this okay, but none of them had any clue how to deal with this situation considering she was never this emotional before. It all crashed down at once, flashes of her humanity blooming long before now just rushing to the surface with the unexpected pain. She apparently had not anticipated it either, judging from her absence. 

They all placed their hopes on the Prince, knowing at least the shared pain between the two would give her less worry speaking about the incident. He nodded thankfully to them as he left, rushing into the rain to go beg the dining hall to assist him. The cooks were extremely accommodating of his odd timing at the very least, a dripping Dimitri rushing in from the rain asking for help in caring for everyone’s favorite teacher. They happily obliged if it meant she would benefit from it, luckily having some still warm leftovers from lunch. 

He left with a tray of one of her favorites covered from the elements as he made his way to her door. Unsure of how well this would go, his nerves set in. What if she didn’t need help? What if she got mad? He didn’t know if he could handle that. Hand resting inches from knocking, it took a few seconds for his mind to still enough to try. He had come too far to back out and everyone was counting on him. _She _was counting on him.

Deep breath._ Knock Knock _. No answer. Speaking through the door, he pushed on.

“Professor… it’s me. Can I please come in for a moment?” 

Then he waited. Silence. Dangerously long, so long he started to worry if he should try again before a soft rustling behind the door, and a minute later, the lock clicked open without a word. He waited for her to greet him a bit longer. More silence. 

_ Am I bothering her? I can’t let her suffer alone though… not when I can do something. _

“I hope this is alright. Please allow me to help even just a tiny bit.” 

Cautiously, he pushed the unlocked door open and peered in. It was quite a bit messier inside than the last time he had visited, and dim even for the gloomy weather outside. A far cry from his last visit, in both tone and setting; no soft fire cast over this scene, no gentle smile greeted him, no warm tea would be waiting. Just a broken shell of their former teacher huddled in a pathetic ball in the corner of her unmade bed. Even as she was, Byleth was a welcome sight if only for her being unharmed. 

He bowed deeply, apologizing for the intrusion yet again. 

“I’m terribly sorry for breaking your solace, I promise I won’t stay long I just.. I wanted to make sure you ate something.” 

He gently placed the tray on the edge of her bed, following her eyes down to it. She sighed heavily, not reaching for it yet but not rejecting any of his offerings either. She looked like she had not done much of anything since disappearing, bags under her eyes, hair uncombed and half undressed in her little cocoon. It pained him to see his precious Professor like this, knowing he could do little to settle her internal strife.

“Please... Can you stay...” she mumbled pathetically. Immediately, he answered.

_ Anything for you. _

“Of course.” 

He slowly sunk down on the floor across from her, not wishing to encroach on her personal space while she gingerly grabbed at the food he had brought. Good. He knew first hand how much of a waste eating felt at your lowest points, but it was a necessary evil. At the very least, she still retained her sense of taste where his was lost. If she wished to eat in silence with him, he would gladly do so. It was the least he could do, even as he sat with wet shoes and cape dripping onto the floor next to him. Eventually, he cast the soaked clothing aside to be with her longer and avoid falling ill, her just watching him as his heavy armored boots were thrown with a clunk by the door, cape and jacket soon following in a sad pile before he folded himself into a little ball on her floor. 

Lack of sleep that week hit him hard, however, as she slowly munched on the biscuits and steak, his head dipping lower and lower with each passing second until it gently rested on his folded arms across his legs. Not long passed before he was stirred from the light rest by her sniffling, cracking open his eyes to find Byleth crying into her half-eaten plate. Dimitri risked it, scooting closer to the edge of the bed silently as he kept his gaze low. He probably looked all the part a pathetic puppy at the moment, but he cared not. He would not wish this pain on anyone and hoped that he could give her what he lacked all those years ago. 

Wordlessly, he moved to sit next to her, waiting a moment for her to let him know if this would be too much. Byleth simply scooted over, giving him room to rest against the wall next to her gently before she fell against him. Dimitri lifted his arm, letting her hold tight to his chest like a lifeline, her body gently shaking with grief. Slowly, he rubbed up and down her arm cautiously with silent understanding. No ulterior motives, just a broken man doing what he could to piece her back together before she became as pathetic as he. The young prince hoped that perhaps this small kindness could save her some of the same pain, even if just a little bit, but he could not stop his mind from racing. His heart ached for this closeness in another more appropriate setting, despite how selfish that was. 

Eventually, though, the exhaustion won out, falling asleep yet again while she clung to him feebly, mouth hanging open as his head slumped back against the wall, her warmth and bed being too inviting to his exhausted body. Apparently, both of them desperately needed the break. She soon quickly followed, both of them slowly slumping to the side until they clung to each other without worry of the impending chaos or stress of life. 


	8. Chapter 8- Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gotta go fast its Dimacember
> 
> Day 3 is Sleep and I managed to have it line up with what I already had haha

Waking groggily, Dimitri was confused by his mostly clothed state for half a second before realizing where he was. The smell and position of the bed was not his own, nor was the gentle breathing next to him. 

_ Oh Sothis… no… _

Nothing had happened, of course. Just him and his teacher… _ laying next to each other gently after lack of sleep crashed them both at the same time. _ But he knew that nobody would believe that, despite how clueless he was. He tried to hold back his panic to no avail. What would they think? Besides being unbecoming of a noble, a _ prince _ to break the academy rules _ …. _ This was also his _ professor. _ Perhaps he could slip out without her noticing if only he could keep his shaking to a minimum and ignore the depraved impulse deep in his mind to take advantage of the situation. But… he knew he could not use her like this, no matter how badly his body craved the closeness. A hand covered his eyes, trying to reason out how best to remove her arm without Byleth stirring. She did seem to be sleeping rather heavily, a light snore and her soft waves framing her delicate features making it all that much harder to hold himself back. She looked all the part of a goddess as the soft light shone in her fluffy teal hair haphazardly thrown around the pillow, her relaxed expressions infinitesimally changed with her peaceful dreaming. Those soft lips he had touched not a month prior taunting him for his impropriety, completely relaxed only a foot away. He selfishly took a single moment to lie there. One moment. He dared not touch her any more than she already was, but he wished to soak in whatever small kindness the goddess had gifted him here with dumb luck since he was already here. Content to just mentally store this moment in time before she shifted closer to him still in deep slumber. 

_ Too close. I cannot stay. _

Could he be so lucky to slip away unnoticed? Perhaps she wouldn’t even remember this. He prayed. Hoped. _ Whatever god was listening above, please let this go without incident. _ The guilt would kill him if this pure accident were to bring any more harm to her, or worse, uproot her unceremoniously from the one stable thing other than her father she had ever known. Gulping hard, he tried to steady his shaking and stop catastrophizing, gently lifting her arm before laying it gingerly next to her form. 

_ So far so good. _

She whined softly, shifting a small amount before settling back down as his chest ached for her. It was so hard to leave her when all he wished to do was hold her close again and never let go. 

_ You can do this. _

Byleth had left her door unlocked before, so grabbing the half-empty tray of food on the bedside table and slipping out with his half-dried clothing was far easier than he thought without his loud boots on, Checking cautiously for any early morning risers like himself before sneaking out to run back to his room before class again. 

Freshening up, he left his door open and attempted to push down his growing headache, switching out his undershirt and muddied socks swiftly. He paused, though, to see if her smell lingered on his clothes from yesterday. As he did so, Sylvain poked his head in and shut the door behind him. 

“You weren’t in your room last night,_ your highness. _” 

Panic. He could not read his friend’s tone. 

“And what about it.” 

“Just curious what trouble our class leader is getting into after disappearing _ all afternoon _ visiting our teacher. It looks bad, you know.” 

Dimitri’s face darkened as he refused to face the redhead, casting his dirty shirt to the side angrily. He could feel after Remire that his temper was shorter, having to desperately hold back from snapping at him. It was as if all the tightly tempered measures he had in place to keep himself in line were being cut one by one, pushing the black churning chaos that much closer to the surface where any tiny annoyance could pull it out of him. Annoyances, such as the accusatory Sir Gautier prodding at him currently. 

“I’m sure it does. But what could you even tell anyone? For all your transgressions I’ve hidden, you would burn me over one mistake?” 

Sylvain rose an eyebrow, shifting against the wall as he crossed his arms. 

“Oh? Mistake? How _ bad _ of a mistake, shall we say? _ Annette _ level mistake, or _ me _level mistake.” 

Dimitri turned to face him, jaw clenched tight as he breathed heavily. _ If you don’t drop this, I swear to Sothis you will regret it. _

“Nothing of your sort, I can assure you. For all Felix’s talk, I’m not an animal in the same measure as _ you _.” An insult, for sure, but also a warning to back off as he cornered Sylvain against the wall near his door. He hoped the redhead would heed it before he had to get more aggressive until his point was made. Sylvain just chuckled, trying to hide his terror as quickly as it showed. 

“Is that so? I guess I should have known better than to think you could ever man up and bed someone lik-.” Before the sentence was out, Dimitri slammed his friend into the wall behind with furious intent. _ How dare he imply that was his intent? _

“She is not a prize, Sylvain. Do not speak ill of her. I simply brought her food and kept her company. You would do well to mind your tongue around others as well.” 

His breathing was shaky, loosening his grip with one deep exhale as he shut his eyes firmly. It would do no good to frighten him into silence, no matter how panicked his anxious mind pushed him to kill the possibility with all urgency. 

“Sothis, Dimitri! It was just a joke. I only told Felix after our little talk anyway, so blame him for being a blabbermouth okay?” 

_ Felix??? Good god. As if that made it any better. BOTH of them broke my trust. _

“I did not find it funny.” 

"Fine, fine, I'll drop it. I thought after how hopeless you've been you wanted help but I guess that was dumb of me. You really oughta lighten up sometimes…" 

Breathing deep, he was mad at Sylvain's impudence as much as his bravado; not everyone could just sneak off to avoid getting caught laying with half the school out of boredom. Even so, he forced his tense body to release him from the wall and detach white knuckles from the other's shoulder. 

"Look… I'm sorry. I respect her altogether too much to do anything of the sort. I'm upset you told Felix considering you are going off rumor at this point." 

"Well, no offense, but it's not like you're in any way subtle. I've had a hunch for months." 

_ MONTHS??? I didn’t even know the nature of these feelings back then…. _

Dimitri’s face must have betrayed him yet again, for his friend gave up any hint of apprehension to stare at him with worry. 

“I… I don’t know how to impress upon you how desperately this has to stay between us. It could bring serious harm to the Professor if anyone were to find out, mistake or not. You know I’ve not been sleeping well as of late.” 

Sylvain rubbed the back of his neck, frowning at the ground while heading for the door again. 

“I apologize for poking fun at you your Highness… I have my fair share of secrets too so I guess this makes us even, right?” 

-

It did little to ease his fears but, for the time being, his friend seemed to honor the request. Weeks passed with no consequence, Byleth having slowly returned to a semi-normal routine to everyone’s joy, not remarking on what had happened between them that evening past one knowing glance cast his way that he might have misread in passing. Dimitri wasn’t even upset at that either; he went to comfort her not to gain from her vulnerability. As time crawled slowly forward closer to finding the people behind Jeralt’s murderers, his mental state got worse anyway and made it harder to even focus at all. Struggling with the basics as tensions grew in Garreg Mach, he found himself more and more often going for midnight runs or up late walking his room frantically trying to reason out what his conscious mind didn’t wish to hear. 

In all the hustle, he had half pushed back the memory of happening upon a secret meeting with Byleth until the physical evidence pulled him back to it with a fearsome focus. As the cursed dagger fell to the wood floor with a clang out of his forgotten jacket, he was absolutely, dead sure it was the one he had gifted his step-sister all those lonesome years ago. A lifetime ago, so far away in time and memory that the edges of recollection were fuzzy. 

_ ‘Dimitri… I have to leave. I’m sorry!” Soft brown hair bounded down the oversized steps out front the castle gates as he tried to grab her, pleading for a quick goodbye so he could have at least a good parting memory of what he didn’t know would be one of his last joyful summers. “Please! Edelgard I… I have a gift for you.” It was a foolish one, but it came from the heart. He held close the small dagger he pilfered from one of the knights discarded belongings, emblazoned with a tiny etched lion on the scabbard in bright cerulean blue. _

But he could hardly deny the cold steel in his hand. There was no way that she was the one behind all these nefarious happenings at the monastery; his heart wouldn’t allow room for that thought. It would break him. Edelgard was the last living family he had. He knew, _ prayed, _that this was some mistake. That she had dropped the dagger, someone had picked it up and decided it was neat and kept it instead. He could already tell she did not hold their memories in as high regard as he did, it was not unfathomable. His body held all that fear and tension inside like a fractured bowl reglued together haphazardly; shards of that raw emotion chipping off at tiny unrelated causes as he desperately tried to ignore so he could move forward. 

But the past would not let him go so easily. As time clicked on, he felt those smiles around him fade, become foreign, his own faded to a shadow of it’s true self. Dimitri took all his mental energy to push the anxiety down just a little longer, to just move forward until he was ready to face the truth that his only happy memories were a farce. That he truly had nothing, no one. Nothing to move forward with than the promise he gave to Byleth. 

Sleep stayed lost to him. But he clung to what he could. 

At least that was a positive goal, somewhat. Bloodstained or not, fighting for her would keep him from standing still too long lest the voices catch up with him and claw so deeply at his core that it ruined him for good.

_ Fool. You cannot run from this forever. _

_ Eventually, this game is going to end and you will have to come back to us. We need you. The living is not for you. The future is not yours. _

“Shut up… shut up… please… let me… let me have one good thing….” he whispered to himself, unsure if he actually spoke aloud or not, smacking his head in the hopes of refocusing his thoughts. Dedue glared at him in worry but said nothing as they all gathered at the gates with horses rushing back. They had gotten word finally. The Knights had returned. They had found Monica. Finally, he could put his words to action. Nobody would rest well that night, as he glanced around the room to catch the entire class waiting for Byleth’s response. All she said was a weak thank you before dismissing everyone for one last night in their beds before heading to the forbidden forest and corner the rats responsible for hurting her. Dimitri wouldn’t sleep at all though. 

_ Why did you ever promise yourself to her? Foolish boy. _


	9. Chapter 9- Ascend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So precious must protec

_ Kronya.  _

_ The true name of that wretched girl.  _

_ She needs to pay.  _

“Know that you will know true pain before I finally let you die!” He shouted, clouded by a sharp ache in his chest as he noticed Byleth gently shaking beside him in the grassy field they cornered her in. 

_Nasty woman._ She even looked nasty. Decayed almost. Her disgusting, evil heart showing itself on the outside. All her horrid deeds painting her a twinge grey, sick soulless eyes laughing at them for daring to come at her. It was all she deserved, having to wear the mask of a dead student to even blend in with  _ humans.  _ Professor, sensing the rage seeping out of his every pore at having to just sit there waiting for her command, placed a gentle unsteady hand on his shoulder before she gathered herself again. The rest of the Lions steadied themselves, having a vague plan but now realizing they would have to split their forces to trap that monster in place. Even if she did not seem intent on running, they could not predict how she would react now that their rage was directed at her alone. Revenge was close at hand; if not for him than for her. His own was a distant dream, clouded by doubt and lack of knowledge. But this? This he could clearly and easily rally behind for Byleth, not the aimless anxiety and worry of his own clouded past. 

Byleth was too powerful for him, that tiny battle-worn hand sucking him back to the present to make sure he did not snap as he did in Remire. She was too kind for him. She was too much. He was happy to let her overtake him if she so wished it; it was better than his own mind at the moment. Her justice was a goal he could focus on. 

He wasn’t even sure what was wrong with him either as he dove headlong into whatever commands she gave with all his might, but every ounce of anxiety was laser-focused on that battlefield as they cut their way through beasts. Byleth occasionally broke from his group to round up the other side beyond the trees, Flayn accompanying her as dancer to make sure exhaustion did not slow her coordinating both sides of the pincer attack. Hearing her correct Felix diving in front of Sylvain’s battalion from across the way, he lost track of his thoughts and nearly got sideswiped by a mage hiding the bushes.

Dedue covered for him, taking slight damage from his abysmal resistance to magic, to Dimitri’s dismay. Why that man was intent on taking the fall for his mistakes, he would never know. It hurt watching Dedue shield him from consequence every time he faltered. He only wished his friend to be a companion, not a mindless shield but there he was, gritting his teeth as the prince rushed forward to slice the enemies head clean off. One javelin throw later and his close companion was free again. He could not afford to get distracted, running forward ahead of his pack as he called to Mercedes to help his friend. The other side had accidentally outpaced them on that side, however, as he rounded the corner around the grove separating them to see Kronya trip in a clearing before Tomas, no,  _ Solon,  _ ripped that  _ monster’s _ heart out without care. He shook with anger at having her revenge stolen from them, but was not given time to process the interaction before Byleth was swallowed whole by a dark cloud. 

** _She’s gone. _ **

His mind was blank. 

All of the fervent rage that was spilling over dried up in an instant, leaving a barren desert of his formerly misfiring synapses, leaving only blank static behind. He felt he was watching the scene from afar, the fog of war set in his vision alone and freezing him in place staunchly. 

_ Where is she.  _ ** _WHERE IS SHE._ ** _ _

_ She CAN’T be gone.  _

_ A forbidden spell?? Never to return?? _

Voices swirled around him, not quite reaching him until Dedue’s steady deep bass voice called him back from the brink to the task at hand.

“We WILL save the Professor. But first, let’s destroy this fiend!” 

_ Right. Right. He’s right. Trust her. She’s never let you down. If anyone can find a way out, it’s her.  _ ** _Trust her._ **

A battle roar as he spurred his class on, Dimitri rushed furiously into the fray of mages surrounding Solon with little regard for himself. Regardless of his fervor though, before they could effectively do much a tear and screech howled through the air, a rush of air blowing all of them back as brilliant light seared their vision. Out of it, came Byleth. Different, but there was no mistaking it. Hair color alone could not conceal her unfaltering resolve from him. It lit him up, nearly making him cry with the white-hot intensity with which she parted the seas of foes as she made her way to the final combatant who could not reason out her escape from the dark abyss. Solon’s confusion was his undoing. Finality coursed through her as she landed the death blow with a whip tail and scream of rage while they all watched on in awe. No hesitation.

_ Yes. Trust her.  _

It seemed divine. Something from a fairy tale or legend of old. His mind wandered, soaking in every detail in worry over her having some unseen damage in her short absence. Apparently, more time had passed for her than for the rest of them, but here she was. Fused with the goddess herself. It scared and electrified him as if she wasn’t already too far above him before, now she was literally a demi-god. They all saw it; no use in fighting what you saw to be true. Dimitri was sure he was staring too much, but she was not bothered. Their beloved Professor, now vessel for the holy one. He was never an overly religious man despite his station in the holy kingdom be as it was, but this… was undeniable. Undeserving to behold her, wretch that he was with his jaw on the ground. 

In his admiration, he failed to note her eyes glazing over before Byleth dropped to the dirt with a soft thud. 

_ Exhaustion? This was quite the ordeal so it made sense... _

Thank Seiros, she was still breathing. A frank apology as he knew they had to get her help immediately even though she would not hear it. Who knows what damage may have happened in the interim while she fought in the endless void to get back to them. Gathering her gingerly in his grasp with as much reverence as he could muster before hopping on his horse. It would be quite a ride back to Garreg Mach, but he cared little. The weather seemed to hold, and the rest of the Blue Lions rushed behind. They all cared for her a great deal and wanted to see to it she made it out of this okay. At least the impostor was gone for good, whomever that was stealing the dead librarian’s form. They could hurt no others. 

_ Warm… she is always so warm… _ His heart pounded as he rushed back to school cradling his precious cargo best he could on his steeds back, his gentle arms protecting her resting form as best he could. Her limbs were limp as he struggled to hold her steady at breakneck gallop speed, her soft face completely at peace a contrast to his own worry. Despite his strength, his arm ached, but he cared little. Her safety was more important. As they rushed back to the academy, Ingrid and Dedue pushed away curious and worried onlookers along the way before they separated off to gather help. 

Placing her gently down in the infirmary while Manuela ran to wake Rhea late that night, Byleth looked so peaceful. Her new hair just served to highlight her angelic features even more; if she were anyone else it would be shocking, but his heart knew that nothing could change. He had to hold fast to that. She had never let them down before and he knew her strength would not give out so easily. It was just the two of them, Dimitri hesitant and fearful of leaving her alone in this state even though help was close at hand.

Warm, his hand on her cheek as he brushed her hair back, her shallow breath soothing his anxieties. Warm, his heart as he dreamed of things he knew he could never have. It was selfish, but before leaving he dipped down and placed a gentle kiss on her warm forehead. A parting gift. A thank you for her previous care of them all. 

_ Please be okay…  _


	10. Chapter 10- Snapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gladiolus symbolizes the strength of character, faithfulness, honor, and remembrance.  
Gardenia symbolizes purity and sweetness. They also indicate secret love.
> 
> Also I'm sorry this is where it's gonna get really. Not. Happy. I won't blame you for skipping chapters tbh heavy TW from here on.

After leaving an unconscious Byleth with the healers, his mind remained restless in worry for the remainder of the night. Dedue had come to his midnight training session and practically dragged him back to try and sleep, but it did little good. 

_ Why won’t he stop babying me? It’s humiliating…  _

_ What does all this mean, though? Something feels wrong, off. I can feel it. My body can feel it.  _

His room was his prison, knowing that Dedue was keeping watch. He could make him stay in his room, but that did not mean he could force the prince’s unquiet and distraught mind to unwind and rest. Pacing, pacing, pacing. He anxiously chewed at a quill pen, trying to write out his worries and perhaps come to a new conclusion seeing it on paper, but the paper remained untouched. Nothing helped. His headaches grew worse and worse, body willing him to sleep and mind willing him to stay safe. But nowhere felt safe. Nothing felt safe. Byleth may still be in danger, his family remained unable to rest in peace, the Flame Emperor and those behind Duscur were still out there. He had to  _ do  _ something. The inaction was killing him slowly. With an angry growl, he tore at his hair and slumped over on the bed, his candle quickly losing steam along with his will to hold out after the absolutely exhausting day. 

He glanced over at the wilted gladiolus and gardenias Byleth had gifted him for his birthday two months ago. He wasn’t fond of the smell of gardenias, but after Dedue had told him the symbolic nod it held his heart was softened anyway. Perhaps it was just a coincidence, but it made him feel better to think she knew the meanings and wished to send along her love anyway. Dimitri couldn’t bear to throw them away, even as the longevity magic he begged Mercedes for wore off. 

_ What did he say? Faithful and sweet?  _

Words undeserving of someone like him. She couldn’t possibly have known, not after she had already seen his shame once before. _ But she hadn’t left, had she? Was it too much to pray to the Goddess for one good thing?  _

A twinge of guilt crept up in him at that thought. No. 

_ Your future is ours, son. We need you. Avenge us.  _

“I’m working on it… please just give me a little while longer…” 

He whined as he gripped his pillow tight, mind indulging in images of their teatimes instead of bloodshed and agonized screams. Those bright flowers, standing tall and proud in a slim vase as she gently pushed them across the table despite his protests. Just her smile… her smile… bright enough to ward off the… 

-

Waking, he had managed a few measly hours of rest at least. The eyebags certainly told that story for him, as he gingerly soothed their ache with a cold washcloth. At least there was no nightmare this night, but he was still worried about their teacher’s condition. His own health was no matter. 

So as he walked out of his room, unsteady and at his limit, seeing Felix griping was a bit much. 

“Where do you think you’re going  _ Boar.”  _

Dimitri ignored him, walking to the dining hall to at least fulfill one of his basic living needs if he couldn’t sleep. 

“Hey. I was talking to you!” 

“If you do not wish a fight, then let me go. I am not in the mood for trite grievances.” 

“Fine. We shall fight later then. I am...  _ concerned _ with how you’ve been acting recently. You better not do anything rash like the animal you are.” 

It enraged him to hear but he could not handle snapping at Felix just yet. 

_ Animal. Rash. Beast.  _

_ True. I cannot deny myself forever.  _

-

She would receive a revelation. It was set. She would go and see the Goddess’ space accompanied by her students and hopefully see the Goddess herself. It was enthralling and worrying all at once. But he could hardly soak in the reality of it as he sat there trying to focus on his allies talking around him. Massaging the stress out of his forehead as they decided to take it easy this month. Thank the Gods. 

Emotions were a foreign concept. Byleth had asked him to tea, but he was robotic. Going through the motions. She could probably tell, judging by her reaction. Shame took over and made him frantic. Panic set in and he found any excuse to avoid interaction. Forgetting meals. Forgetting classtimes. Forgetting chores. He didn't want them to see him like this. 

“I apologize. I do not feel myself lately.” 

He found himself repeating that line often. Sylvain’s pity. Mercedes concern. Annette’s confusion. Felix’s disgust. Dedue’s frustration. It all washed over him as he floated further from them in a feeble attempt to protect his fragile heart, knowing he deserved every bit of judgment that his classmates gave him. 

_ They’re finally seeing the true me.  _

So when finally they came to the Holy Tomb, it seemed time had not passed at all in his current state. It was of no consequence, he was here to help Byleth. Nothing more. If he could not talk to her, he could kill for her. He promised as much. She told him to. _They_ told him to. 

Gather the crest stones back from the thieves. Rush to the Flame Emperor. Demand answers. 

** _Why. WHY. _ **

** _Who are you? _ **

He was hanging off the edge of sanity by one feeble hand, and then the Flame Emperor was there. Somewhere deep in his mind, he knew who it had to be. But he prayed, hoped, begged for another answer. Anything but this. Anything but this. His grip on reality already halved after Remire and Solon and Kronya and the stress of having no clear goal. Nobody was there to stop him, nobody was able to intervene. Not like they knew the depths of his depravity anyway. The strings holding him in place had been slowly cut away, now unable to withstand the weight they carried. 

Then they happened upon the secret meeting in the park.

A string snapped. 

Jeralt was murdered.

Another string. 

They were behind the tragedy. 

Another string. 

The Flame Emperor appeared, desecrating the throne. 

Another string. 

Then the mask dropped to the ground beside him with a hollow clang, and he fell to the black abyss below. 

_ It was her. _

His laugh echoed through the chamber, but it wasn’t his. His hands weren’t his. His body was a vessel for the dead. And they thirsted for her blood. 

** _EDELGARD. _ **

The last thread tethering him to reality popped with surprising ease and his body sprung to action, limbs carrying him forward in a flurry or sole minded dedication to finish what she started all those years ago. 

** _SHE KILLED THEM. HOW COULD SHE. HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME?? TO THEM??? TO OUR FAMILY?? _ **

Death would be too kind an end for her but he could not stop himself, shaking with a fierce rage of five years of aimless pain now finally being focused on the culprit. Grunts, useless meat sacks in the way of his goal crushed like bugs, bodies crying in torment only goading him on faster.  _ One more dead, one less in my way. Come to me. Let me at you.  _ Screams filling the air as a sick sense of glee filled his animal brain with endorphins, laser-focused was his intent on her soulless Lavender eyes staring back at him with little regard. He watched himself snapping necks, crushing faces, impaling chests, smelled the iron and felt the sting of heat across his face. But it was not him. It was too much. It was not enough. Stomach churning as he pushed until he ran out of people to kill, it made him sick and gave him life all at once to watch his body slaughtering with reckless inhuman abandon from somewhere else. in another plane, he could hardly feel anything even though he knew what was happening. 

** _This taking too long. GET HER NOW. _ _DIMITRI. KILL HER. FOR US. _ **

_ Why. Why would you do this?? _

_ Sister… El…  _

***crunch* **


	11. Chapter 11- Obsession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;_____;

Black. Empty. No recollection, just a gap from the tomb to now, he knows not how long has passed. A terrible headache worse than he had ever endured, sweaty palms, dry throat, shaky grip as he held his arms tight to his chest in the hopes of stabilizing himself. _ What were they… doing… where am I... why are we gathered here like… what is this urgency in the air… _

_ Crest stones…? Flame Emp- _

_ her. _

** _HER._ **

** _IT'S HER. IT'S HER. _ **

** _  
_ **

He choked for air and nothing came out of his tightened chest. 

_ \- _

The next two weeks were a clouded blur, snapping in and out of focus like someone was holding him back from touching anything corporeal. He was sure he was alive, yes, but nothing seemed real… nothing touched him. A wall separated him from everyone around him, screaming for release from its prison. Fuzzy, numb, prickling at the edges of what he could sense. But he could not let it out, it frightened him too much to touch its sticky black depths overflowing into the real world and poisoning his reasoning with a slowly encroaching plague. Dimitri was petrified, of the future, of the unknown, of his mind, of himself. The only thing breaking the fog was the screams of the Tragedy, fire burning behind his eyes and boiling his blood every time he stopped moving. 

** _KILL HER._ **

** _WE NEED HER BLOOD. WE CANNOT REST._ **

The same thoughts, repeating incessantly in his head leading nowhere: Arundel, Duscur, Fire, Emperor, Kill, Patricia, Father, Glenn, Arundel, Duscur, Fire, Emperor, Kill, Patricia, Father, Glenn, Arundel, Duscur, Fire, **EDELGARD….. **

_ The time is now. _ ** _FORGET THEM. WE NEED YOU._ **

He did little else but throw himself mindlessly into fighting and praying. It's all he could do. Pray to his family. Unlike the heartless goddess they answered. They were ready for it. An obsessive loop set into motion, sticking him firmly in place mentally. Over and over and over it replayed, their death cries ringing in his soul. Their flesh melting from their bones as they clawed at him begging for payback. Every time his eyes closed they were there, emboldened, strengthened by El's betrayal. Growing louder and stronger and more real with every moment. From a dull ache, a passing thought beconing him gently to indulge, to a fiery scream demanding everything he had, they pulled and tugged at him in desperation, dragging him away from the world of the living. 

_ Let us fuel your righteous fire, Dimitri. Avenge us. _ ** _You know your enemy. _ **

Two weeks. Two weeks time. Then that monster would come back and he could snap her neck, watch all the life drain from her twisted face as her blood spilled onto his hands. It would finally be over. Five long years he waited. He could smell the acrid burn of Edelgard’s atonement in bright red, flesh and bone-cracking in his every thought. 

_ Let me at her. She will pay. _

It’s more than she deserved for all she had done to their family. All she had done to him. She had nearly killed him in the Tragedy and now? He was just finishing the job since she couldn’t. That soulless beast had failed to finish him off when he was defenseless and young, and that was her final mistake. She would repay that debt with every last drop of selfish, horrible crest-stained blood she had to give. He had grown stronger, but he was weak of character.

_ Weak. _

_ He was sick. He was sickened by himself. _

  
  


_ "I had nothing to do with Remire." _

_ How fucking INSULTING. How STUPID does she think I am. Lying to my face. _

  
  


** _I SAW YOU TALKING TO THEM EDELGARD. I SAW YOU._ ** _ I can't BELEIVE I was so BLIND. I ignored it. She must have hated me this ENTIRE TIME and like a **fool,** I just gave that soulless monster all my kindness I can't understand. _ ** _WHY. WHY. WHY AM I SO STUPID AND TRUSTING…_ **

-

The time had come. Everyone else's resolve firmly set, prepared for anything that could come, but not Dimitri. His only thoughts were of family. They came to him, finally showing themselves. 

_ Unwell you say? HA. This is the most clarity I've had in YEARS. Father is here… finally… finally I missed your face…. _

But it was twisted as if a rough drawing had been half-erased, standing next to Byleth. Better than nothing. It smiled back at him as he pledged to drain their blood. He could almost, almost feel their breath on his neck, raising goosebumps after all these years of holding their voices at bay. The stress had finally cracked the last bastion stopping his worst paranoid beliefs from running rampant, and its cup ran over all over his best intentions. Lambert… Patricia… Glenn… Fuzzy around the edges, but it was unmistakable. 

_ I missed you so much… I have to do this for you… _

_ Your family needs you. Your people need you. WE NEED YOU. Don't you want to make us happy, Dimitri?? **Just kill her. Avenge us. We can't rest.** _

The edges of where Dimitri ended and his delusions began blurred, eroding his sense of self and pulling him down into their fiery hell. Ash on his tongue, heat on his face, sweat on his brow, flight in his veins. Nothing made any sense any longer, all he knew was fighting, moving forward no matter what end that may be. Something, _ ANYTHING _to keep going for, no matter how gruesome it was. 

So when the time came to protect Garreg Mach, it was all he could do to hold himself back from frightening his comrades in the town square while gleefully fulfilling his family’s requests after so, so long. It was all Byleth could do to direct him generally and let him go; so, so long had he held at bay his shame and confusion over those feelings channeling through him with every slice of his spear, stab into Imperial chests, or swipe of beheading the invaders. His heart pounded at the thrill of it all, throwing away humanity to indulge in all the screaming voices. 

If he couldn’t be Faerghus’ sweet little well-mannered prince, at least he could become a monster for them. That is until he heard a cry from across the street that halted him right in his tracks. 

_ Byleth. _

He ignored everything to rush to her. He promised to live for her, die for her, kill for her. _ Dimitri doesn’t break promises _. She was fine, to his relief. It would break him to lose another even more than he was already broken, and he wasn’t sure if he would be able to piece himself back together even if he managed to calm down from the brutal betrayal. 

“Professor, are you alright?” A frantic plea, looking her over twice before cutting down two nameless grunts sent to do Edelgard’s dirty selfish bidding. She grabbed his arm, confusion mixed with some emotion he couldn’t place deep in those bright eyes before pausing. _ Was it Fear? Drive? Desperation? _ This, in turn, confused him and everything around them stopped for a short second. 

He turned towards the fierce mercenary coming back into her natural zone on the fiery battlefield as cries of the arriving demonic beasts raised the hackles on the small of their necks. Hair swirling around her face, it was difficult to hear between the screeches of monsters, battle screams, his family clawing to get out of his head, and clangs of metal but all his focus went to her for two short seconds as she spoke with more intensity than he had ever seen: 

**“Wait for me.” **

Byleth grabbed Dimitri and kissed him desperately, pushing him away with no room to protest before disappearing into the fray for good.


	12. Chapter 12- Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short one but I felt it needed to be. I have a few ready already so I'll be posting them at least a day apart to not bombard you all.  
This is also the start of the five year gap if you don't wish to read it but I hope you do I have a lot of ideas I wanted to put to words with it that would flesh out his personality coming back ;A;

_ Gone.  _

_ Gone gone gone gone gone gone. _

** _WHERE IS SHE… _ **

She left just like the rest. Fingers bleeding, knees rough, eyes wet and face blank, he piled rubble that was previously their home slowly behind him as he scoured broken streets and looked at every broken and bloodied dead body for her light green hair.

** _GONE._ **

She can't be. Not after it took so much to open up. It was so hard, he trusted her to stay alive. _ Just ONE thing. ONE THING. Give me ONE THING you worthless goddess.  _

_ Gone.  _

_ Gone…  _

_ She told me to wait… wait for what… for what… where are you... _

Slowly, like the light from his eyes, it became harder and harder to tear him away from his relentless search. Panic turned to fear, turned to resignation, numbness. This was his fault. If she hadn't joined his class… He slumped over on his knees, numb and defeated. Edelgard had gotten away, Byleth was missing. Dirty, bloodied, ripped uniform, bangs stuck to his face as he sat there unable to even look at the huge expanse of warzone he had not yet combed through. They had found many dead, but none he was looking for. He had failed everyone. He had failed his country, his family, his teacher… she… I… 

_ Byleth please… I cannot take this… do not join them… _

He did not hear his friend approach. 

“Your Highness. The Empire will be here soon with reinforcements. We HAVE to leave now. With your permission or not.” 

She was gone, as soon as she came. As if none of it ever mattered in the first place. It became harder to eat, the tasteless food losing even more appeal daily. Faces blurred, voices jumbled. Nothing made sense. They would go back home and wait for more information. Dedue tried to hold him to the bloodied earth but Dimitri was lost somewhere else, floating aimlessly to numb the pain in his head. He couldn’t touch it, couldn’t hold it. The truth was too much. The softness Byleth slowly nurtured out of him faded away again as the voices came back harsher and louder than before. All except one voice he prayed would never join them. 

_ Gone. _

Not knowing was almost worse.


	13. Chapter 13- Captive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW I'm gonna go back and mark the beginning of the gap and the end for anyone who would be too upset to read it
> 
> Also fuck Cornelia

Drip.

Drip. 

Drip.

Floating in and out of focus, his thoughts slowed and then stopped after being shackled like a wild animal at the border of his own country. All the rage and fear sapped out of him while he sat and rot in an unknown cell for heaven knows how long; the only thing signaling the passage of time being occasional pitiful plates thrown through the bars at him while some unknown political hell was being set in place for him. This had to be Edelgard’s doing, he knew. She had been planning this far too long to not have prepared a coup to wrest control away from his uncle the acting king regent until young Dimitri was ready to assume the role but.. Who knows now. That woman would not be satisfied until she had achieved all her goals, whether the people underneath her wished for it or not. Goals at the expense of her step-brother, her own people, her allies. She didn’t deserve to be called family after this. 

_Vile._

He knew that whatever happened to him, she would rot in hell for what she had done and hoped the goddess would be just even if he certainly had not earned any of Sothis’ grace. Scorned, cast out, losing friends left and right, losing Byleth, losing his family, losing his sanity, his dignity.  _ What else is there to take, oh gods? _ And so he slowly gave up, having naught but the voices of the dead and the slow steady drip from the ceiling as his companions in the damp cold hell he lay in. Dimitri knew he had been long abandoned by fate and his deteriorating mind certainly could not handle the immense pressure, so he retreated within. The restraints against his strong form weren’t even necessary as all the fight had left the young prince after losing his Professor.

_ Protect yourself. Numb yourself. Even if you die here… you can go home. You can see us again… my sweet boy... _

_ Father... Father… Mother… Glenn… I… love you all… I’m so sorry I couldn’t be a better son…  _

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

** _*Clang*_ **

He was roused from a restless sleep. A new sound set Dimitri’s nerves on edge as the steady clomp of boots rounded the nearest corner over the cobblestone. Towards his cell? _ Please no. Please. _ The footsteps stopped in front of him. He peered up through his messy bangs to see a face he had thought dead long ago, unaged and haughtier than before that twisted face stifled a snort at the pathetic sight of Dimitri chained like a beast.  _ Impossible.  _

** _Cornelia_ ** **.**

The witch who wasn’t able to save his birth mother in time from the plague. The witch who somehow stopped the chaos of sickness across Faerghus shortly thereafter lauded as a hero and then kept in close watch of the knight's court thereafter as he grew up. Yes, he knew her face well. But this current Cornelia held no warmth. Much like the visage of a twisted Tomas and Monica, he could sense as she stepped into the room the same emptiness behind her eyes as a smile twisted on her face. 

“Well now, boy. I assume you know what I have come for, correct? Spit it out” 

_ What?  _

“Your face says otherwise. Alright. I’ve come to play anyway. So we will just be here until you tell me why you killed poor Rufus!” 

_ My Uncle? I have been at the Academy this entire time you fool… that is until that rat bastard general of Edelgard's caught me at the border and dragged me here without a word… _

He remained silent and baffled as he gazed up with a slight sneer.

“Come now… let me give you some motivation dear.” 

A lash across his chest. Dimitri had seen many battle wounds, but those were meant to slice clean and kill, not to maim. This pain was new, meant to hurt as much as humanly possible. Meant to keep you whole as long as physically able to eke out the most suffering from prisoners such as he. Stinging, biting torture as the young man bit his lip to stifle the howl that escaped. Dimitri knew not why he was being held but had given up fighting after losing everything. He let down his family, he let down the woman he cared for, his country, his friends… nobody was coming.  _ Why continue to torture me then? What did it matter how my uncle apparently died?  _ She sat and watched with glee, face twisted as she soaked in every detail of the half-naked young man spasming against his restraints for a few long minutes until he was able to think again. Parched lips, he opened his mouth. A proposal. A lie. 

“Let’s say I give you what I know in exchange for some information. Tell me why they never found Patricia’s remains, and I will tell you where Rufus lies.” 

To his surprise, she immediately leaned down and spoke. 

"Oh? Patricia? She did not perish. She just couldn't  _ bear _ to stay in your cold, poor shithole of a Kingdom any longer with you. Why do you think they never found her, hmmm? She set the whole regicide thing up, just to get away from that annoying  _ brat _ of a Prince who would not leave her alone. She didn’t even want this stupid Goddess-forsaken land either. Pity you had to go and ruin it though by not dying then, it's certainly been a hassle figuring out the best way to take out the _trash._" She pulled his face closer, a whisper. Studying every movement he made with a sick smirk. 

"No! You're wrong!!!  ** _SHUT UP!!!_ ** " 

Dimitri spat in her face with all his might. He was cut off with a cruel whip across the chest that brought him to a pathetic whine, unable to fight back against his restraints with the lack of nourishment.

" No more deal you pretty little psycho. I believe I'm calling the shots here. Now just tell us what we need to go and we can give Fhirdiad a little show." 

"She… she w-wouldn't have… I…" his voice a feeble crack, a prayer to the goddess. _Anything but this._ He had nothing. No family. No friends. No honor. No throne. Not even his father's brother any longer, even though he had not seen Dimitri in ten years after an attempt at his life. Not even that. Emptiness. The goddess had taken it all. Sothis could not wrest away the warm memories of his stepmother as well….. 

Seeing him space out in grief, Cornelia roughly yanked Dimitri to face her vile, gleeful expression yet again. "So pathetic… the only mother you ever knew never even loved you!" A hearty laugh rumbled through her, echoing around the damp chamber and straight through his chest, it's cruel tendrils sucking what little hope he had left. 

_ No… Patricia couldn't… but…tell her she’s wrong!!!  _

Cornelia furrowed her brow before smacking the prisoner's face to force his attention back. 

"You mean to tell me you couldn't see the truth??? It's probably for the best a helpless  _ whelp _ like you won't ever see the throne considering how  _ stupid _ you seem to be... Your people deserve better than that." 

The soft words cut deeper than her spitting bile. It told him what he already believed of himself. His face fell in numb resignation. He didn't fight it. 

_ How could I deny the truth? I was never fit to be King. _

"Honestly, I don't know why you haven't cracked yet. It's clear you want to die yet you won't let us finish the job and just give up the ghost!!! So just tell us why  _ did _ you kill your poor, helpless Uncle now little prince?" 

Despair sunk into his very bones, but his resentful heart would not allow her to take what she wanted so easily. He stayed silent and sullen, slack-jawed and eyes glazed over. 

_ Go ahead. Beat me. I’m already a dead man.  _

Dimitri retreated into that warm core deep in his psyche where naught but the flames of the gruesome tragedy burned around him. Dead or not, at least they cared. Lash after lash as he was whipped like the vile beast he was, ripping open flesh with searing sting after sting. He quit holding back his yelps and crying at the hurt inflicted. Yet he never broke. He was used to pain. Not of this level, of course, but his mind knew how to detach enough to stop it from destroying him entirely despite the deep lasting harm he was surely enduring. Eventually, she grew bored with his limp acceptance and lack of response.

“You know this is all just for show, correct? We already killed him for you. I just wanted to have a little fun before finishing you off in front of all your loyal subjects. So sad, to lose an insane heir this young…” A pause, head tilt, and a sigh. “Rest well in hell with the rest of your wretched family then. Long live the Blaiddyds!” 

Wordless he hung from his shackles as Cornelia stomped out with a laugh, slamming the door shut behind her with a reverberating clang through the empty stone halls. Nothing remained but Dimitri, blood-stained and slumped over and the gentle drip across the ceiling he had focused on for the past two weeks. A pitiful tray of gruel shoved under the bars and kicked towards him, but he had no strength to grab for it. Eventually, his rat friends took it from him in small chunks, squeaking happily at a found meal despite the lack of quality nutrition found therein. He slept little, even for his worsened mental state. Too cold to rest fully, too hurt to stay focused and still, too exhausted to care. Half dazed, in and out of consciousness. Never quite grasping reality around him. A week. Maybe more. He managed to eat one more time, every move cracking the crusted over wounds across his chest and back. Maybe it was best he wasted away like this. 

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.


	14. Chapter 14- Fallen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy we're really in it now Dimitri

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

** _*Clang*_ **

Resignation in his veins, prepared for the senseless murder he knew was sure to come down that hall in a few short moments. A hollow shell of himself after only two short months, degraded to a sickly pale ghost of a man, too dehydrated to shed tears and too exhausted in his soul to feel the touch of pain any longer. If Cornelia was to have her way yet again, he prayed it would be over swiftly.

_ It’s not like I have anything else left to go on for. I am of no use anymore. _

_ No…. no more…. My spirit cannot take it… goddess… I know you have never answered my prayers but please just take me easily… Goddess… Byleth… Father…  _

** _*CRASH*_ **

** _No… wait. What is that???_ **

Newly re-awakened hyperarousal set his body into action despite his weakened state, nerves shaking with worry as he heard fighting break out somewhere undefined amongst the echoing halls deep in the bowels of his former home. Now it was just a playground for that monster Cornelia, and soon he would be out of the picture as well, nothing holding Edelgard back from her quest for domination at the expense of his already wartorn and destitute citizens. Dimitri thrashed against his constraints, far too tight as his traitorous former knights knew his strength exceeded that of a normal man due to his blood, shackled around his neck as well to prevent him from gaining any leverage to put behind escape attempts. A muffled cry from right down the hall kept his heart thrashing against his bare hollow chest as he continued to struggle while trying to not make much racket. He knew if anyone was breaking into the Fhirdiad dungeons, it would not be for a mere petty thief in one of the few occupied stalls; not while a far heftier prize lay in wait with the scorned Prince. 

Before he could work up any more anxiety, however, a fearsome howl rang as a gigantic hammer smashed the door straight off his cell. In rushed Dedue, frantic and determined as his friend had ever seen him. The man’s sculpted square jaw set as resolute as it could be, fiery intensity set in his eyes, all to get to him safely. If Dimitri had any tears left in him they would be falling, instead just whimpering in pathetic relief at seeing that a friend was the cause of the alarm and not a foe as he had originally thought.

“ _ Dedue _ I…. you came for me…”

“How could I not do so your highness? They drug me away from you so quickly I knew something was wrong. I had to act quickly. But procuring a small band of men willing to stand for the prince of the country responsible for their slaughter proved time-consuming, however. I promise you, I came as quickly as I could.”

“I am just… I’m so relieved th-” he broke down crying as his companion worked at getting the rough shackles off of his painful raw skin underneath. “-th-that you are here… I thought I was a dead man... “ 

He cared not for his friend witnessing this moment of weakness. He knew Dedue wouldn’t judge him for it as he finally finished freeing him, pulling and holding the frail blonde gently in a knowing embrace before a low rumble through his chest broke the short silence. His large frame holding all the softness the world had robbed Dimitri of before separating from his shaky form, barely able to stand unassisted. 

“We have to go NOW. We do not have time, Your Highness. I am sure Cornelia and her cronies are on the way as we speak. I am sorry I was not able to get much for you, but please. Just run. If we get separated.  ** _KEEP RUNNING._ ** We can figure things out when it is safe and away from the capital. Dimitri. For us. _ Please. _ You are our only hope for fixing this.” 

“Do not speak like that!! Dedue I can’t just  _ leave  _ you I barely just-”

“I’m not giving you the choice, Your Highness.”

  
  


_ You are right, my friend... but am I allowed to do that? I have already ruined everything I touched till now... I can’t… I can’t lose you as well… _

Adrenaline in their veins as they ran to meet up with Dedue’s companions, checking around corners as they gingerly stepped over the few corpses littering the trail back to safety. A few turns later by the exit they had forcibly opened on the side of a weak wall, the group heard screams from somewhere higher and knew they had been found out. The seven or so Duscurian men waiting for them to return looked well suited to fierce fighting at least, but he hoped no others would be lost to this senseless coup. They seemed to know little speech of Fodlan, but he trusted them with a knowing expression as they guided him swiftly through back alleys before being pulled to a halt right at the outer gates by the servant’s stables.

Their horses were in view tied to trees just barely in view, but in their way was a line of his very own people to replace the few petty guards Dedue's men cut down to get inside. Knights of Faerghus, blocking their path out. His raw throat choked, still shaking from being restrained for a month and a half and petrified beyond belief. Some of these men had helped raise him, their swords and axes now drawn against him to serve Edelgard’s sick whims. They were no longer his allies, turning on their only heir to the throne without a second thought. His heart sank.

_ Monsters. _

"We just want the Prince. He has to pay for what he's done!"

His hands clenched tight as his side, fear coursing through him. They were so close to freedom. 

“Dimitri. We will hold them. Head Southeast for now. We do not have many allies, but I know a few we can meet up with for safe haven after this is over. You don’t get a choice.  **GO NOW.** ”

  
  


_ No room for arguing here. It's do or die. _ Dedue threw a shirtless and dirty Dimitri a flimsy dagger with a resolute glance before his terrifying battle cry roared through the air as they rushed the treasonous cowards. His own people he cut down, slowed by his muscles misuse but still far stronger than they were even so as he cut a path to the horses. One man he recognized made a straight beeline for Dimitri before he lunged too quickly in his anger, allowing the young man to cut his jugular with the cheap weapon and spraying the young heir with the blood of his countrymen. Another saw this and stepped back, allowing Dimitri to shove them roughly to the side with a heavy punch against their chest harsh enough to knock out normal men in an attempt to spare his life. Using this opening he booked it as fast as his shaky legs would take him past the gate. He groped around the cluster of horses by the tree just outside, finding one easier to get untangled as he fumbled with loosing the reigns. Time was short.

_ Please.  _ ** _Please._ **

_ Please Sothis if you have any mercy let him out unscathed from this as well. _

The clash of metal against metal as the warriors put their lives on the line to give him a chance of escape, his shaky hands finally cooperating long enough to unhitch and jump on the first steed he could get at. Spurring it on as quickly as he could, he glanced back to check on them, seeing Dedue take a painful stab to his gut guarded only with hardened leather. It was not enough though. Dimitri nearly turned around as he screamed back at him, his friend glared at him with an unmistakable command to continue on despite the pain he must be in while he slowly collapsed to the ground below. 

_ DEDUE.  _ ** _DEDUE PLEASE._ ** _ NOT HIM... I do not wish to get away if he… if... _

He risked another glance back to see his friend fall with a lurch but his thoughts were cut off with a vicious immediate pain to the right side of his face. Nearly falling from the horse in shock as he was off-balance looking back, he heard an arrow clink onto the cobblestone next to him before grabbing desperately at the gushing wound inflicted by some unseen archer hiding in the corner tower. One last desperate attempt by Cornelia to detain him. It pulsed as he put pressure on it with a piercing whine, urging the horse on faster lest he get hit with any more stray lucky shots. 

**“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!! IT HURTS!!” ** His screams of agony bounced across the stony castle walls around him and rang back hollow and cold.

** _WHAT HAPPENED I… KEEP RUNNING… KEEP… running… He told me to keep running I have to I… AHHHH IT HURTS SO BADLY… GODS WHY…._ **

Cries shook his body as the pain of holding back the blood threatened to make him pass out, he couldn’t see through it at all but he knew he had to get away. Dedue fell for him… he  _ couldn’t  _ stop. He thanked Byleth for all those lessons in horse riding for trusting the animal to follow the path out of the city up through the abandoned rocky crags behind while he was unable to really see where he was going.

_ I can’t stop I CAN’T STOP… BUT WHY DEDUE??? YOU DESERVE TO LIVE MORE THAN I DO... _

His throat parched as he cried low in his throat as he continued to urge the horse on blindly, cold biting at his bare marred chest as he pulled further and further from the place of his birth. From fond memories, now a place of fear. Having your former safe haven not only pulled from you, but twisted into a prison. Literally and figuratively, it was no longer the peaceful place he remembered as a young boy. Heavy heart, head bleeding profusely and stomach empty, nothing made sense any longer. The halls he roamed as a child now scared him, memories of fighting in that field with Gilbert clouded with hearing the cries of his guardians begging for his blood instead. 

Nobody cared. He wasn’t even human to them.  _ Just a pawn _ . And he had served his purpose, therefore disposed of. Thrown away like the trash he was, from the golden one to literal dirt. He was no prince, he was a burden, he was  _ in their way. _ The rug pulled out from underneath him as he realized just how little he meant to any of the people who helped raise him. No parents, no family, none of the caretakers who helped after the Tragedy came, none of the knights stood against Cornelia.  _ They probably never cared for me in the first place…  _

Everything hurt, and yet he pressed on, begging his head to stop aching and bleeding all over the poor steed he was running ragged. It whinnied for reprieve and still he egged it on past what it wished to run. 

  
_ Not far enough. I’m not far enough. They are coming. You couldn’t defend yourself in this state. Keep running. Run.  _ ** _Run_ ** _ . Get out. You won’t be safe yet. It’s not far enough.  _ ** _KEEP RUNNING. _ **


	15. Chapter 15- Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Gore!!!!!! You won't miss anything by skipping this if you can't handle that

A month of aimless wandering and losing the horse he had been gifted later and Dimitri was way worse for wear. His sore feet continuing forward despite his weary heart and lack of motivation, to what end he did not know. The wound he had acquired during the escape seemed to have hit his eye and he had not the bravery yet to do much other than rewrapping it twice in the slim hope that it would somehow be okay. The lashes across his body slowly scabbing over luckily, but he could still feel with each stretch the tear of tight scarred skin forming painfully. Subsiding on the small number of rations he found on the horse before it fell due to exhaustion, he now resorted to eating those damn weeds Dedue had fretted over during their weekly chores so many times at the Academy in better days. Anything to keep him going until he could have a spat of better luck wandering aimlessly in the woods away from any prying eyes of the Empire.

Happening upon an abandoned hunting shack on the road, Dimitri took solace after checking that it was truly left for good before starting a weak fire and grabbing a pot of water from outside. Dusty and drafty, he was glad at least it was late spring by now and he didn’t have to worry much about winter hunting expeditions catching him there. It seemed to be a small retreat for a few families joined together to share, two small bed frames stripped of their flimsy mattress pads and a small table with two rickety chairs the only furniture to be found. After the small flames stayed lit to his satisfaction, the young man plopped down hoping to rest his weary legs for at least a while before a more pressing matter presented itself. 

The covered mass on the right side of his head was proving to be a bigger problem with each passing day, and nobody could be trusted to help him on the run, nor could he trust anyone to actually look at it. Medical attention simply wasn't an option. The fallen prince was supposed to be dead, not seeking pampered healing from some cushy bishop. If he showed his face anywhere the jig would be up and he would be retaken and surely killed for good this time. He was worried ignoring it any longer would actually kill him, but understandably did not wish to face the truth. As he melted into the dirt floor beneath, gingerly peeling the sticky wrapping away from the neglected side of his face, he knew the pulsing pressure and lack of any sight from that side of his face was not a good sign. Nor was the sweat sticking to him more every day he put this off. His heart sank in his hollow chest.

_ It wouldn't be healing. _

_ It has to come out. _

If Dimitri had any tears left in his dry soul and one good eye, they would not show this night. Numb and resolute, he rummaged through the abandoned shack and lucked out on some old half drank mead, clean and polished carving dagger, and dirty but still somewhat shiny carrying tray amongst the cooking items. Dreading his next step, Dimitri’s breathing was ragged and grip shaky as he downed the bitter tonic as fast as he could, coughing on the vile elixir. Despite lacking most taste, even he could tell this was truly foul when the wafting of the half-empty bottle sloshed towards his nose and the bite hit his tongue. Waiting a few painfully long minutes to steel his resolve and let the horrid mixture cut the pain to come, white knuckles gripped the dagger with one hand while he propped the dulled pane of steel tray against his knees to finally get a messy look at the carnage his escape had left him with in the fading afternoon light. 

Gruesome, he felt a disconnect between his image of who he should be and the disgusting visage staring pitifully back at him through greasy overgrown tendrils that half-covered a seeping wound starting over his eyebrow and ending in the half-open hole barely knicking the lower lid. The eye was definitely slashed, popped beyond repair and clouding over beside the pus that was causing the pressure in his skull to grow to an unbearable amount. His body went into autopilot, disconnecting from the task at hand to bite down on a rag, brush the sticky bangs out of the way and yank open the torn lid with one hand, his other hand shaking violently as he struggled to see what he was doing before gritting his teeth so hard he thought they would break and just yanking the infected mess out with the small edge of the knife before the fear and searing agony could stop him. Blood and pus spilled to the ground as he put shaky pressure on the now empty space in his skull with a scream that seemed endless, voice cracking into a pathetic wail while he doubled over. 

** _“GODS- FFFFF-UCKkkkkkkkkk….”_ **

He had known no pain in his life like this, despite nearly dying in Duscur, injured many times in his battles at the Academy, being flogged half to death, and getting hit with the arrow initially either. The overwhelming agony caused his vomit to spill onto the floor beside him before falling unconscious from the body shock. 

_ Death would be more merciful. _

-

Some undetermined time later, he stirred from sleep. Fever wracked his frail body, chills shaking him to his core as the pitiful figure pushed himself up from the same spot he had collapsed in, against the cold unforgiving stone in a place he didn’t deserve to inhabit. The fresh wound now pulsated with the blood rush of sitting vertically, his bangs stuck with sweat to the side of where he fell over. The pain, my god. Dimitri felt sick to his stomach, slowly opening his one good eye to strain at the discarded mass before he felt the need to dry heave again at the realization of what he had just done. Fruitless, for it had been too long since he had eaten as well. His vision was cloudy, missing on the right half of his body entirely and not focusing correctly either from the leftover eye. 

Gathering the pot from earlier, he ran now cold water from the night before over the area after missing the mark a few times, wincing with a sharp inhale but already feeling some relief from the overwhelming pressure being gone, but it would be rough going even so. A pathetic whine rumbled low in his chest with each ginger touch of a wet cloth to the eye socket. With no medical knowledge, no equipment, it's all he could do to keep moving forward, impaired or not. It was better than losing a grip on his goals entirely, and the only thing that mattered; screw his once beautiful face. Dedue bid him forward; toward what he didn’t know. He had nothing to live for, but it was his last wish to see his friend escape alive. His family needed him. Byleth needed him. Dedue… they all needed him, scarred or not. The dead cared not how beautiful you were. He was a tool for their uses now. 

“_ Wait for me… _ you fool. You utter fool…”

Grabbing the new cloth he had found himself and hoped was clean, Dimitri braved a blurry glance at his new face with a half chuckle; at least he looked the part of inhuman monster now with a loose half ripped eyelid falling over the gaping hole where his beautiful eye once was and gruesome bright pink and red scabs littering his chest and arms. His heart sank, but he knew he deserved worse. A fitting visage for a cold gruesome bastard waiting for the chance to finally perish.

_She won't be coming._


	16. Chapter 16- Faded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nocturne Op. 9 No.1 in Bb Minor-Chopin

As the pain slowly ebbed away in his missing eye, Dimitri continued to wander towards the plains and coast, eating what he could along the way. At the very least, it was summer so sleeping under the stars wasn't a risk at this time, but even so, it was difficult. The flimsy shirt the Duscurians left him was… really only suited for a desert climate, as mild as the cool summers here were he still found himself shivering any time wind picked up. His academy pants were extremely damaged, with no kind Mercedes to help him sew it up, and no fine motor skills to figure it out without her anyway. Not to mention the eye. 

  
  


He had to entirely relearn everything, tripping over rocks or running into trees he couldn't gauge the distance of, or jumping at any sudden noise in the blind spot. Hunting was a difficult matter. Despite the upbringing that honed his battle skills, it mattered little in the face of losing a good chunk of the senses he polished to that purpose and he missed more shots than he made. Gurgling stomach punishing him for every wasted arrow or swipe of blade as he fumbled awkwardly through overcompensating to cover the loss. Wandering aimlessly towards the south, he had better luck with larger game he could boldly slash at and still hit _ something _ of note but…. it still was slow going. 

Nor was his cooking sufficient either. Privileged in all the wrong ways, and none in the right ways, Dimitri stumbled through living on his own in fear and confusion. None of the kindness that bolsters a young child's growing mind was bestowed him save his father’s, but all the battle prowess. None of the functional living skills, but all the public speaking and manner lessons. None of the wisdom being close friends with other children would give him in terms of better discernment, and all the hope of there being more anyway. He did have Felix and Sylvain and Ingrid, but they had their own houses far from him, and everyone around just treated him with a distance and reverence he could never breach.

_Perhaps… that is why Edelgard meant so much… she never acted like I was above her. _

To everyone else he was a prince, not a normal person. He never knew how to reach out for the help he wanted, and it was discouraged in their culture anyway to ask. It's not that nobody tried to teach him to love himself, it's that they didn't know how. Faerghus was broken in many ways, sadly. He saw as much. Not for being a religious state, but for forcing soft children to be ground to a sharpened edge to be of use in protecting their birthrights and bloodlines. A necessary evil, maybe, but one that trampled softer hearts like Dimitri. Like Felix. Like Sylvain. Just a statistic, doomed to be lost to history as the forgotten one. A footnote in passing; 'The Abrupt end of the Blaiddyd line.' All the fear, all the resentment, all the hopelessness, and a far overcooked boar he could hardly taste anyway as he slumped over by a clumsy fire. His princely form slowly degrading in resignation, carrying on to no end but the deads. 

Painful trial and error slowly gave way to awkward workarounds, bad posture, overcooked but not unsafe foods he could not taste anyway, and a bristling attitude to keep the few people he wandered by at bay. His trust was broken. 

_ Being alone is better than being dead. _

Slowly, his family filled that gap, their loving voices echoing distorted over time in his head to keep the lonely boy company, him slowly talking back as well. He cared little if it was real or not, it was real to him, and they would not abandon him like the Professor, or betray him like Edelgard. Dead or not, they still loved him. Any semblance of comfort he could give to self-soothe in his lonesome journey he would gladly take. So his feet carried him forward despite the ache of loss, and eventually, he found himself second-guessing the surroundings through his blurry headache clouded vision in deja vu. 

"Wait a minute… father…. FATHER…" 

_ Yes son. I am here. _

"Here??? Here?? I know… I know this place... tell me you are here too please…" 

_ I will not leave you. Remember this. _ ** _Remember._ **

"I'm… ugh I'm _ trying…. _ everything is fuzzy…" 

Dimitri found himself running up a degraded path covered in weeds, drawing closer to what he did not recollect. Something important. His heart knew it. 

"I have to find it if you are there Father I… I need your guidance… _ please _…" 

Breaths coming in hot as he pushed on before coming to a halt at the top of the sparsely wooded hill.

It was the retreat. Long abandoned, but one his family still held all these years later. He wanted to cry. 

"I have not been here since…. since…." 

Lambert's ghostly hand was on his shoulder so strongly he could nearly feel him, urging him on towards the dilapidated summer estate.

_ Yes. We would come here often as I had time when you were small. Do you remember now, son? _

His hand gingerly reached towards the door, scraping calloused fingers over the winter-worn wood before checking the lock. Closed, but one elbow later and he was in. _W__ho would stop him? This was _ ** _his_ ** _ Family’s estate. Not that witch. He could break the lock if he wanted. _

_ Yes… I recall… so many soft memories here as a young boy… you teaching me riding over these hills, holding me gently while I tried to learn the reigns without harming the horse… your laughter carrying as it threatened to buck us for my confused fumblings, soothing it back to calm with a steady ruffling of my hair. You never got impatient with me, leading us over rocky cliffs to stare out towards the sea, telling me there was a world out there as well, somewhere on the horizon. "You will meet many different kinds of people in life, understand everyone for who they are, Dimitri... Peace and love are in understanding." _

_ Trying and failing to make daisy chains with mother but settling for climbing trees with Felix instead... she sighed at my clumsy attempts but smiled anyway, placing one on my head. A fitting crown for a tiny man, golden and white flowers a soft display of love in a halo around him before it fell with the running. I apologized so much for losing it, but you just handed me another. Felix said I looked like a girl. _

_ My pet rabbit. Yes. The one I captured on the road back home, running in to proudly show off it's velvety ears and frightened expression, telling father how much I loved it and then hugging so tight I accidentally snuffed the life out of it with a tiny crack. I cried for days after. I was only eight. _

He halted and stood in the dusty, faded main room in front of him. It was large for a summer retreat but far smaller than what a King would normally hold for himself. Intimate, private, despite being set on a hill it remained far away from any coastal towns prying eyes. Nothing had been touched since Duscur it seemed. Nearly seven years of degradation and cobwebs clinging to every surface and behind it all Dimitri just saw happy memories. When everyone was alive.

When he had a future. 

A single tear threatened to fall before he sneezed instead, stirring up the stagnant air around him. His large, unsteady hands he had yet to grow into grabbed onto lounge chairs and a table in passing, the sturdy wood of the finest tall Faerghian trees chopped for the king's things still holding strong despite years of misuse. A large flag on the double tall wall next to the great fireplace, Loog on his mighty steed that once stared down at the awed children who visited them, now faded at the edges. It was still a brilliant blue, the hand embroidery withstanding the test of time beautifully. He sighed as his shoulders slumped, nearly feeling the warmth of a full house and belly from then. The floorboards creaked under his weight as he made his way to father's room off the main one, unsure if he should even touch his things. 

_ Is this disrespectful, or am I just avoiding the harsh truth? _

His hands brushed familiar surfaces in reverence, heavy heart as he heard Lambert's laughter echoing off the walls while he read a bedtime story of Loog to the young heir by the fire before Dimitri went zooming off to fantasize about being the next savior of the world. 

“Savior… what a joke… I can’t even save myself…”

He came to face the floor-length gold leaf mirror in the room brushing it off with the back of his sleeve before chasing away the image of his proud father leaving only his pathetic, empty face staring back at him instead in the clouded over glass. A broken mirror of the man he hoped to become, now faded at the edges and missing its luster. A gruesome and sombering parallel to how far he had fallen. He still did not recognize himself, shying away from the guilt of facing himself for too long as his gaze fell to the ground.

_ I'm not fit to stand here… I’m so sorry father… _

_ Father? Father? Why was I not enough? Where did I go wrong? _

Deafening silence in the still room echoed back at him.

Lambert was no longer there as he crumpled to the ground, hiding in on himself and holding so tight he thought he might burst while he cried openly. The shame of being such a colossal failure crashed down on his head after seeing recollections of his long-forgotten dreams. He had wanted to change the world. Help people. Be kind, be generous. And now... now he was just a monster on the run. Exhausting himself until he passed out on the hard faded rug below.


	17. Chapter 17- Tricked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I have a bunch ready but I'm sitting on it for a few days to make sure it's where I want to go with this!! Also would you guys be opposed to me going back and not altering events but fixing things in the first two chapters tone wise? I realized I'm not happy with how it fits with the rest of this arghghghgh

Waking with a groan, his eye was puffy with sorrow and shoulder sore from the ground below from having let exhaustion take him on the floor of his father’s room. Raking his fingernails through his messy hair, he sought to maybe clean himself up a bit while he had the means, spending the early morning taking a sponge bath by the old rusted well pump in the leisure of the brisk air. Birds chirped happily in the distance through the sparse trees surrounding him. Soft winces sucked in at every ginger touch across his healing body, but the cold soothed the sting as his purposeful movements moved over his tense muscles. At least he could be at peace by himself, humming one of the songs he had learned at the academy choir practices as he made his way dripping back inside before scavenging through half-forgotten objects for anything useful. The dead would forgive him for this if they still wished him to be of use to them. Nothing in the kitchen of worth save a few weapons by the back door, one spear looking particularly enticing, and an easily concealed dagger. No food, naturally. Any that was left was far past expiration, but if he remembered correctly, there might still be brambles of berry bushes a bit down the way in back… 

Cracking his back and shoulders, he made his way to his old room with a bit of cheer even. It was nice to reminisce for a short while at least, even if staying here too long was ill-advised. Two little beds next to each other that would absolutely not hold the lanky man he was now, drawings of what his little mind saw as miraculous fights adorning the reachable walls of a small child, a few forgotten toys. Bright blue lions emblazoned everywhere, suited for a small prince. He remembered the silly squabbles Felix, Ingrid, and himself would have the one time all of their schedules allowed their parents to offload them together for a week of fun. Ingrid  _ always _ had to be the knight, relegating poor Dimitri to the captive helpless noble at Felix’s evil bidding. Dimitri just wanted his friends to have fun… She would not budge, her tiny little cheeks puffing out adamantly at the  _ suggestion  _ they play any new games that did  _ not _ involve knights. But she was okay making scouting expeditions for  _ knightly  _ supplies at least, leaving the two boys to roughhouse along the way. 

“Oh Ingrid… I wonder if you think I’m dead now…” 

A slight chuckle from him, a small smirk. The first in a long time he had happy thoughts come to him, it soothed his hurting soul even the slightest amount. Was anyone looking for him, actually? He hoped so. Any hope was better than nothing. Maybe they could track him down, get him some help, overthrow Cornelia. Felix at least, and he knew Rodrigue would care enough to try. 

_ Right? _

He opened his father’s closet for anything useful before being stopped in his tracks. He choked; there was nothing inside but a forgotten suit of armor, way past fitting his father and stored here for some odd reason. Dimitri remembered seeing him in it, just once. He was very little, and he remembered how in awe he was at the black-clad, shiny suit making Lambert look like a scaled dragon in his eyes. But his gentle gaze softened at his small child instead before he left to handle some violent matter or another, ruffling his soft little blonde head before leaving. 

It was striking. Aggressive. Beautiful. 

_ Am I… Am I allowed to take this? Father? It would help so much to have more protection than just my bad luck… _

His fingers roamed over the plated armor, remembering just how enthralled he was at the sight back then before slowly turning the mannequin around and figuring his way around removing it buckle by buckle. It was… rather complicated to say the least, and he did not see before that it had their family crest emblazoned on the back. That cursed crest… without it perhaps he could have been normal. Been  _ happy.  _ Now he knew his fate was to be a blind killing machine and nothing more because of it. Starting with the leather undersuit that fit rather well, pants and a shirt, and then moving on to the knee and shin armor at least, easily slipping it on. He was thankfully close to his father’s size, if not a tiny bit short for the boots and a tiny bit thin for the torso it seemed. Just as he was about to slip the gauntlets on, he heard footsteps by the door. 

His autopilot kicked in, steeling his nerves as he took out the dagger silently, sneaking to peek around the corner before seeing...

** _RODRIGUE??? _ ** _ Wait why is he here??? How did he find me? _

In his eagerness, Dimitri dropped all tension to cling to the thin hope that things would be okay now. House Fraldarius would never bow to that woman; they had the most capable military forces in Faerghus. The dagger in his hands slipped in his pants, all his energy dropped in relief as he gingerly stepped around the corner. 

“RODRIGUE??? You’re here? H-how did you find me? Is… is it safe?” 

His friend just smiled back at him. Rodrigue had come alone, and his hopeful heart pushed his feet towards the familiar face. He still held a small amount of anticipation but desperately hoped this was the end of it and he could rest easy for once after months of being on the run. 

“My boy I am so glad we found you, it’s okay now.”

“I’m… I cannot express how glad I am to see you…” he broke, his princely facade coming back up at his unexpected arrival, bowing deeply hoping that all the pain he had been carrying would not ruin his good upbringing. The man stepped forward to hug him as Dimitri tried to stand straight, confusion turning to relief as he relaxed into it. Rodrigue had never been an overly touchy man even if he was more kind than many nobles in the area but he welcomed it just the same. It was a comfort he sorely needed and readily accepted, if only for a second.

That is until he felt a sharp pain in his side. He saw a glint out of the corner of his good eye. Rodrigue had… stabbed him??

_ “Wh-what are you doing??”  _

Felix’s father attempted to swipe again at the young man a beat later, slightly catching his neck but only grazing it. Jumping back, Dimitri automatically grabbed and broke his neck without a second thought as instinct took over before doubling over grasping at his side shakily. It was over quickly, before his rational brain could even catch up. 

*Thwump* to the ground the body fell before he whined, mind elsewhere.

The facade crumpled before him and melted revealing some gruesome monster underneath. 

_Another Slither._ _Just like Solon and Kronya. Are they already in Faerghus?? Why was Edelgard working with them again? I remember…. The dagger.. The garden… No… no please don’t tell me… I… at least that wasn’t the actual Rodrigue but… WAIT._

He gasped. Weren’t all the people impersonated before this already dead? Does that mean…. 

_ Is the real Rodrigue already passed as well? NO NO NO! _

He whimpered, praying to Sothis he was wrong and knowing he probably wasn’t. Paranoia set in. He could not trust anyone. He sat there staring in horror at the mangled body at his feet, unable to move even as he slowly bled out. So much for help. Nobody was coming. His mind left his body standing stiff as a board with his eye wide in slow realization. 

_ Rodrigue, if you join them in my dreams I swear… I can’t lose any more. It would kill me… RODRIGUE PLEASE… NO MORE…. _

-

He snapped back heaven knows how long later, still shaking in paralyzed shock at what had happened all the while continuing to lose a good amount of blood. It was over so fast, he couldn’t even ask any information before... At least he had not killed the real Rodrigue by his hand. Perhaps Cornelia had done away with him earlier.

He could not stay here any longer. They knew. They knew he was still alive. They were hunting him. Dimitri ran to try and patch up the wound, luckily a graze but still bleeding a fair amount as he wrapped it tightly with leftover linens. He ran back to grab what he could fit of the armor; trying to worm his way into the torso proving painful with the new wound as well before he finally got it on, giving up to leave the oddly fitted boots and pauldrons behind and ripping the hefty flag from the wall for emergency warmth, casting it over his shoulders like a cape. Even after all that had happened, he was still proud to hold Faerghus’ emblem on his back. He prayed his country fought long enough to stay afloat before things could be fixed, even if he knew it would not be by his hands. 

_ As long as that WITCH doesn't win, I don't care if I die. _

Before leaving, he checked the fit in that dusty mirror one more time, scowling at the twisted image of what he once was in regret. Missing an eye, overgrown hair finally dried and half-covered with wrapping to protect the still fresh wound, half fitted armor not suited for a scrawny kid that at least concealed his scars and tarnished at the edges over time, an awkward flag clipped over his slumped shoulders and a defeated scowl on his features. He had not the luxury of vanity when his only energy was spent on survival. 

_ I honestly look a disgrace, but at least I will be harder to strike down... I wonder what Byleth would think seeing me like this…  _


	18. Chapter 18- Crushed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hardest part is letting go of your dreams
> 
> TW: vague non-con

He ran. With no safe haven, no trust to be left he ran. And kept running. Dimitri fled with the horse the shapeshifter had brought but he was too afraid to loot the body, using the steed for warmth on cold nights as time passed by unnoted to the prince. He knew not how long it had been, but his scars were forming slowly into shiny recessed pink, tissue stretched over the wounds that tore him apart whenever he had the safety and luxury to do minimal self-care and cleaning. Nights grew colder signaling the passage of time. His new horse had a harder and harder time carrying him, having less to eat as the weather turned in the harsh Faerghus climate to sleeting rain that he barely even noticed. _What did it matter?_ He had no purpose, no future. He was of no use to anyone and didn’t know how to find a positive goal that was his anyway. How could he? Everything he had tried to do right in his life had fallen apart or died by his hand.

He ran. And kept running. Not towards anything, but from everything. From his trauma. From the nightmares. From his people and their suffering. From his friends who gave up hope. From what he had done. From what he couldn’t do. From himself. Self-loathing pushing his body to the breaking point, ignoring basic needs as his hair grew to a bizarre half-cut slowly, his father’s suit of armor slowly squeaking against his slim form, forgetting to eat until his body threatened to revolt against his mistreatment, degrading his social skills until it was nearly impossible to hold a conversation with him. He quit feeling the cold at night, even after the horse gave up due to exhaustion and he no longer had the warm body next to him for companionship. He avoided fighting. Dimitri didn’t want to prove them right after having to kill the false "Rodrigue" with his bare hands. In the end, he was still ashamed of his violent nature.

Nothing made sense, and so he numbed it all out. It was easier this way. He went everywhere and nowhere, stopping when he reached areas that would prove a struggle or a threat, ignoring any notable territories in favor of the forests and mountains. And he slowly acclimated to his missing eye, overcoming the awkwardness with more frequent headaches to combine with the ones from emotional stress. It bowed his mental boughs but did not fracture them. Not yet at least. He was worn down slowly like an overused gear loses it’s sharp edges over the years and becomes unusable in the end. Dimitri had placed his only worth in his usefulness, and thus lost all sense of self when that was no longer an option. 

Another year passed with nothing of note happening. He kept running, like a coward.

_ Yes, coward. You cannot run from your true nature forever. Your hands killed Dedue. Your inaction killed Father, Glenn, Byleth. Your cowardice cost you everything. Your anger is just a cover, you can’t even use it for good. Running from yourself.  _

_ Felix saw what you really are and you couldn’t even deny him. Shameful.  _

The few people who did see the shambled mess of a man shooed him like a dirty mutt, his pitiful defeat emanating from every pore as he flinched away from what he knew would come every time. Thrown in the gutter with the trash, children ran from him in fear, women laughed or gasped in horror. Some pitied him, threw stale bread his way or gave him gold thinking he was a homeless vagrant. 

_ Well. They’re not wrong. No family, no home, no throne. I am a pariah.  _

So here Dimitri laid, zoned out in the slums of some unknown town he had never seen before near the Klieman Peninsula in the West of Faerghus territory, the yelps of starved street animals mixing with loud bar fights being the symphony lulling him to resentful sleep again. He crumpled in a dark corner after a long week of ignoring the Imperial soldiers trudging in muttering about some ‘dukedom’ with all the mirth of schoolchildren walking in the playground; but their playground was Faerghus’ livelihood. Dimitri had to watch slowly as his people fell into worse and worse poverty over however long he had been on the run as Cornelia sucked funds out of the government for her own devices. Imperial rats infesting his lands, and all he could do was sit and watch and sleep and pray for death. 

_ Hopeless. Helpless. Pathetic. _

It was hard to have any fight left in you when everything you tried ended in tragedy. Every hope you held dashed. Your first love dead without a trace. Your friends abandoning hope before they even tried to find you. Your closest companion falling before your eyes after you told him time and time again you wanted him to value himself more than you did. 

Was he even allowed to call her his first love? He felt guilt pang deep in his chest at that but… there was still warmth and longing at the thought of her soft smile. He held himself tight against the cold ground, rocking back and forth and imagining that one stolen morning with her soft scent so close…her whining for him to stay gently as she pressed against him and his body stirred with selfish carnal thoughts… before a crash.

He started awake from the verge of falling under, annoyed at breaking his reminiscing but ready to fight immediately. From around the corner, a tussle. Arguing. A woman, trying to raise her voice with no other sounds around save a man trying badly to calm her down. Dimitri tensed, holding his spear tighter as he stayed hidden in a crouch but not moving towards anything in favor of observation. He had gotten good at becoming invisible by now. Hearing snippets, he waited a moment longer to make certain he understood the circumstance before he would have to flee or act. 

“N-No s-STOP… I … gghhh… you  _ pig _ I… told you NO! Get OFF of me...” 

He finally understood, hearing a rip and sick chuckle from the other trying to silence her. 

“C’mon I just want a bit of  _ fun _ with the locals while I can. This job sucks  _ sweetheart _ , just give me what I want and I can leave with no harm.”

_ Disgusting. _

_ I can’t watch this. _

Rounding the corner, it was just as he suspected. A drunk woman being accosted by a disgusting Imperial pig against a discarded crate.  _ A rat. Inhuman. _ He flared up, months of inactivity awakening again at the sight. His stomach curdled, heat building in his chest and sweat gathering on his brow. Immediately he was on the soldier, hefting him up by the throat away from the woman with a dry honed rage, face blank other than his fearsome feral eye as he turned the man to face him. He tried to beg but Dimitri crushed his windpipe with ease before he could do so. 

A crack, and toss to the side with casual finality.  _ Like the trash you are. _

_ Rats. _

_ Raping. _

_ Pillaging.  _

_ Killing.  _

_ MY PEOPLE. _

_ I can't let them get away with it, father. I’m already a damned man. Might as well drag them down with me. If I can’t take the throne I want to at least try… something.. Anything.  _

His mind lost track of what he was supposed to be doing as he gazed blankly down at the woman he had helped, and instead of thanking him, her eyes were glued wide in horror. He had forgotten normal men could not just toss corpses like simple toys. Her mouth agape, gaze watching and waiting for the pain she thought was coming her way.

“M…. mmm m MONSTER…” 

A pang in his chest. His gaze hit the ground as she ran from him, gathering her torn dress before slipping on the wet stones beneath in her frantic struggle to escape the beast who had saved her. Dimitri bent down, grabbing the soldier’s coin purse from his hip purse. Inside some money, a feather, and a locket with a lock of golden hair.

_ “Mother, daughter, lover… I’ll never know. He was a soldier. An enemy.” _

“A rapist!!!” 

He paused. No reaction. Nothing. He was blank, all the adrenaline of twenty seconds ago having left him even more exhausted than before. His heart had no more room for regret or pain. 

Tossing the locket to the ground, the scorned prince stomped on it and walked away with the purse. The young man who confessed to his professor how killing hurt him so was dead. These men deserved to perish, nothing more, nothing less. It was his duty to put his brutish strength to the only use it was built for, but he still couldn’t let go of the kind boy deep inside even so. He couldn’t shake off who he really was no matter how hard he tried and no matter how much it continued to rip open his heart with every heavy beat. Dimitri cried silently as he left the slums again for safety and solitude. People were just too much pain at the moment.


	19. Chapter 19- Gripped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: non-con again i'm sorry!!!!! it's fine I swear lol also this is basically the halfway point in the timeskip so I'm getting there

He ran from the city, fleeing like a rat from a fire. Being around people was too much. They reminded him how much he hated himself, and so the cold winter set in like a heavy cloud over his heart as well. Hoping for death, not having the energy to go claim it, he wandered for a day or so before stopping to silently cry under a sparse tree in the dead winter air after sufficiently exhausting himself.

_ Monster. For all the kindness I tried to put into the world, that is all I can ever be. It doesn't matter what I want to be, the Goddess decided that I am only made for killing, fate does not care what I wish for… _

Cold gripped him like a tight vice, closing in on every pore despite the layers he wore. Perhaps this would be it, dying from Faerghus’ freezing cold winter. Not exactly the end he had envisioned, this was not him falling bitter and breathless after a fierce battle to earn his forever rest but a bitter pathetic whimper. Buried in a million small flakes, much as the last year or two had been to his heart, so his body followed. Dimitri let the falling snow settle in like a death blanket over his slumped form, slowly sealing him in the coffin as he prayed for a quick release. He could find no will to care. No will to try and find someplace better to lay.

_ The goddess could not possibly torture me so any longer, it’s too cruel. I don’t know what I did to deserve this fate but... Even so… I’m sorry for not being enough… _

Gently, he slipped under... Bit… by bit... By bit…

-

Until he woke. That grassy clearing they often trained in on warm summer days at Garreg Mach. Soft wind over the expansive hill. Byleth, asleep at his side, very much alive. Both of his eyes still intact. Him in the uniform he always wore, and her without armor peacefully laying together. Laughter in the distance from the rest of their class carried across thousands of daisies to them. 

Calm. 

Serene. 

A vision he never had but was far too happy to indulge in. Perhaps his brain was giving him one final reprieve he never got to have before finally letting him go. 

Her eyelids fluttered open slowly as he lovingly stared at her, serene and gentle as a smile painted her features looking up at him with those beautiful kind amethyst orbs. He had not forgotten her beauty at least. Reaching down, he brushed the hair back and delicately placed a tiny stem of a daisy behind her ear as she greeted him. 

_ “Do you love me? Are you still waiting?” _

Unbidden, his answer. Dipping down, he placed a gentle kiss across her forehead, nearly real enough to feel her heat from the sun and essence overtake him. He could have sworn it was real, if the weight on his heart from real life had not followed into the field they lay in. The cold and cruel outside world was not welcome here, just a bad memory far away.

_ “Endlessly. Forever. Even if you remain lost forever. I keep coming back here hoping to meet you. Thank you for gracing me with your kindness one last time Professor... I...do not deserve this moment.” _

_ “May I give it to you anyway?” _

Byleth reached up, pulling him back to finish his thought with lips on his own. Still as soft as his memory ages ago. She traced down, grazing his neck to the opened collar before dragging him back closer to her. Intoxicating, her warmth and desperation. It burned his skin, prickled excitement up his spine. They melded into one, losing all sense of the outside world lost in the other’s gentle touch. Wet kisses peppered all over his unmarred face, still as outwardly handsome as a prince should have been; just as he wish he could have been for her. They gravitated toward each other even in dreams, unable to push the need back for long. 

_ “Let me indulge here, love. I beg you. I need this. Do not leave me again...” _

_ “And I need you. Please, let me show you just how much, Dimitri...” _

Desire gently coaxing his muscles to unwind as she let him take solace in her unarmored form. A sigh releasing years of tension as he drunk in her sweet wine with gentle handfuls of hair; peonies and amber. Soothing, sensual. The soft embrace of the grassy earth below beckoning the two to let down their guard as she moaned into his kiss. Selfish as it was, he allowed himself to take more. 

She opened herself, stripping layer by layer until they lay bare, nothing to hide. She was always the one to coax him further, as if him following instinct would snap whatever tenuous heaven he had found himself in. Beautiful, ethereal she smiled broadly at him in the same manner she did only a few times. Byleth’s soft body melding with his own was so entirely natural he didn’t even notice until she was under him, needy and hopeful as she gently massaged his form.

Pleasures of the flesh pulled him under, Byleth bidding him forward knowing how parched he was for anything gentle. Slipping inside her with a sigh, he nearly collapsed in joy. But slowly, a creeping numbness drug its cruel fingers over the edges of his perception. Perhaps he was finally falling for good, the cold world outside a perfect parallel to this perfect summer day where he took his love finally. As she held him ever so tenderly, he peppered all the love he wishes he had been brave enough to bestow upon her so very long ago across her collarbones. 

She looked at him again as she gripped tight around his neck, ever kind and whispered low to him, 

_ "Show me the Beast. Destroy me. I know you want to." _

_ "No… I…. Byleth no… this isn't right…" _

Righteous scorn marred her face immediately. Disappointment. Her fingers gripped at him enough to draw blood, raking down his arms to goad him on. 

_ "Stop hiding from it." _

He could not, did not wish to face it. _ Another nightmare. _ How cruel to hide her in it, the one pure thing he held in his mind. Anything but this, anything but her, shock and terror awash across that formerly serene gaze as he went to autopilot. 

Harder. 

Faster.

His memory of her crying in pain echoed again in his sleep while his brow furrowed, attempting to stop. _ Wake up. Stop. _ ** _STOP._ ** It was like reading a novel, but he could feel these sensations as his own while he read on in horror. He tried to pull away, to slap himself, to do anything to stop what he knew was coming.

** _WAKE. UP. _ **

“Dimitri. Please. Please stop. I lied. Too mu-” his muscles acted on their own, twisting around him like a demonic beast devouring its prey. The solace he was searching for on that grassy knoll replaced with heavy clouds, chasing all light and joy from the scene as he watched himself push her further and further under crashing thunder and biting rain, consuming more and more. Pushing past what he would ever do, his conscious mind screamed to stop while his id played jump rope with his intentions. He watched his own hand grip her throat in shock, screams tearing through the air from goddess knows where, wind howling from nowhere as he was trapped in the scene laid before him. He knew it must have hurt from her reaction, to his horror but he couldn’t wake, couldn’t stop it.

** _Tighter. _ **

** _Tighter._ **

** _More._ **

** _Give me more. _ **

** _I won’t be satisfied. _ **

Fingers digging so deep that he knew it would cause harm, but he was helpless to pull himself back. He screamed and nothing came out, soul aching in agony as the rage firing through every cell forced him to go on. He felt himself moving above her, but he was not writing the words on the paper. The dead laughed in the distance, echoing around his shame as they encroached on his form and eroded him at the edges.

** _Monster._ **

** _Take it. _ **

** _It’s all you are good for._ **

Face reddening from his grasp, a wet slap as he roughly drove himself into her confines still out of a sick sense of obligation. _ He wanted it. Needed it. She asked for it. They begged him on, a freak. A waste. REVOLTING. _ Nothing but their two forms in the dark void stuck in this never-ending hell. 

Whipping him around as her face distorted, malformed in pain and fear before he found himself pile driving Edelgard instead. Sharp, disgusted panic, a twist of the hand and he finished her for good. 

** _NO._ **

** _*crack*_ **

Dimitri woke with a jolt and a scream in an unfamiliar room, sweating and shaking with a raging hard on to his absolute shame. His pallid features betraying the sickness he had gotten before being picked up by Goddess knows who and whisked away from a cold death. His hands came to his face as he quietly cried in embarrassment even though nobody seemed to be in the foreign room. Feeling sick to his stomach and dizzy, he was still fresh out of the nightmare and unable to figure out what was real any longer as he tried to cover his distress. His hands shakily fingered through his sticky hair against his overheating head as he pulled his hair in fistfuls to relieve some of the tension. But it couldn't wash away the vivid images that clenched his throat shut.

_ Of all the things I didn't want my unconscious mind to do, why this? What a sick joke to only let me see her like this!!! WHY!!!!!_

_ Byleth… you're gone for good aren't you... _


	20. Chapter 20- Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've come down really sick, pure coincidence 8( so updates might be slow for a week or so

A muffled man’s voice called from the other side of the closed door in the foreign room Dimitri currently laid in. It was adorned simply, no fuss but functional and clean with a tiny window he couldn’t quite see out of to get his bearings. Panic in his veins, but he could do little to run so he tried to soothe his inner worries and figure out what was going on before acting too rashly. He moved to figure out his situation before being overcome with aching pain and coughing. 

“Hey kid, you okay? I heard you finally make some noise and I got worried. Can I come in?” 

Realizing he was still turned on despite himself from the horrific dream, Dimitri tried to push the problem down and settled for tenting his knees beneath the blankets to hide it before answering. 

“Y-yes I just got-” he coughed. “s-startled… I’m sorry, what happened? Where am I?” 

In popped a gentle, well-worn man with light brown hair and beard in simple clothes from around the cracked door. 

“Well shit I should be the one askin’ questions considering you were half-dead when we found you! My kid and me barely got to you in time to save your toes, you idiot. I dunno what you  _ thought _ would happen napping in the goddamn snow.” 

For the harsh words and scolding, there was still a soft mirth to the tale he told of his rescue as Dimitri’s gaze fell in embarrassment. Did this man know he had intended to get himself killed like that? 

_ Oh yeah… I had planned to just give up. Damnit. Why did you have to stop me… _

“Well hey, I’m glad you’re gonna be okay in any case, but I still wanna keep you here a few more days just to make sure the fever goes down if that’s alright with you? My name’s Ivan. My kid and I found you and were able to get you back here. Sorry we don’t have a lot but-”

“No! Please don’t worry I… this is already too much. Thank you.” He didn’t wish to be saved, truthfully, but also didn’t have the bravery to try again, or the ego to get upset at them trying to help. His cough came back as the man rushed over to place a cool hand on his forehead before he nearly fainted again. 

“Ahh shit, yeah please go back to sleep soon here. I promise it’s no worry. Us real Faerghus folks gotta stick together in these rough times, no? Oh look at my manners, not even asking what you wish to be called. What’s your name young man?” 

_ I can’t use my real name. I’m being hunted. Curses I I I-  _ “L-lambert…” he picked the first name that came to mind, not realizing how stupid it was to give himself such a recognizable name until a beat later when Ivan laughed at his answer. 

“After the late king? What bold parents you must have! I hope they also didn’t intend for you to die early as well though, right?” 

“To be honest, my family is all dead… that’s why I was out there.” 

Ivan’s face fell at that. He stroked his beard thoughtfully as he shifted next to the bed.

“I’m… gods I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stir up painful memories. But I promise you, we’re gonna make sure you are back on your feet soon here alright? I shoulda guessed you had a rough go of it seeing the state you’re in though.” 

_ What? My eye you mean?  _

Shame overcame him at realizing that yes, people could see just how far he’d fallen in such a short time just by looking at him, his pathetic suffering written wordlessly in every horrible ugly scar across his body. He moved to touch the right side of his face absently as Ivan went to open the small window in the room. 

“Oof it is stuffy in here. Fresh air’ll do your fever good. If you feel up to it sometime later, we will have supper for you. You’re welcome to join us then but for now, just sleep.” 

“I’ll try…” 

And with that, the man left him in peace again. Somehow, he knew he could trust them. They seemed to be common folk with no ulterior motives, perhaps farmers?  _ I can find out later, but I am still too woozy… _

-

Dimitri stirred some time later with a slight headache but less fever to the sound of raucous laughter and delicate clinking of dishes somewhere bouncing down the hall towards him. Something smelled nice in the air, but he wanted to just relax for a moment before going and braving interaction with strangers. Curling in on himself, he tried to clear the phlegm from his throat and only succeeded in choking on it with a cough, throbbing his head in turn. It was the first time in months that he could truly rest, in a real bed, with no worries of being attacked. He could not stay in one place for long, true, but being able to mentally breathe for even a short while was all too welcome as he kept his heavy eye shut. He realized they changed his clothes into a breathable white cotton shirt and flannel pants that were probably meant for someone more… dad sized than underfed scrawny boy sized. 

Mind wandering, he thought again of that horrid encounter in the slums and felt a pit in his stomach. Over and over, his brain repeated that woman’s cry of utter horror at the sight of his true strength, worrying that he wouldn’t ever be able to just exist as a normal man. His whole life, being trained by Gilbert, accidentally breaking things as a small boy, ruining scissors and going through lances twice as fast as everyone else at the Academy, Dimitri never really felt… normal. Like he could fit in. A silent barrier from those around him, even those with crests of strength like Felix could function normally, and even then none of them had to deal with the weight of what he had gone through either. Everyone seemed a thick plane of glass away from him, shouting and shouting for understanding knowing that none of it would be reflected back to him. You could tell in every time he begged people to drop the honorifics, in every time he pleaded with classmates to enjoy their time with him as equals and included them all in plans. Yet they still held him far above themselves despite his best wishes. He did not ask to be born where he was. It must have looked so selfish trying to diminish a role others would die a thousand deaths to have but he just yearned for emotional intimacy instead...

He had always reached out for understanding and connection, trying way too hard to relate to others in the hopes that they would return it. But even so, Dedue having such a common pain, Byleth having a common loss…. He knew that both of them bore their burdens more gracefully than he.  _ Why am I so broken that what is a minor setback for them absolutely destroys me? Why could they pick themselves up while I just crumble? I’m so stupid… weak. Just weak.  _ No matter what he did, he couldn’t express himself in any meaningful way, and he was too ashamed to just let it out for the most part besides that. Just telling people the facts? Sure, he didn’t particularly like speaking about it unless pressed, but he shut down every time he had to speak of the tragedy. Like he was telling a story through someone else’s eyes, facts on a page. Not his story, but -a- story. It did nothing to help lift the pain burdening his heart to tell Byleth his painful history, as his mind was far away reading the script to her blankly while he remained emotionally checked out. 

He hoped so desperately for her to understand him and in the end, she probably died not having any clue that there was any more to him than a psychotic desperate idiot. Chin quivering, he held himself tight trying to not let go of her in his mind. 

_ Byleth… Byleth…  _

_ “Wait for me.”  _

“I can’t… I’m already a dead man.” 

The fear and uncertainty on her face, her soft lips returning the kiss he stole.  _ Why had she done that??? It just hurts even worse now… _

He was pulled from his pity party by more loud discussion, snapping back and realizing he should probably go join them even if he was in a dour mood since he was shaky with lack of food from being ill. Slowly, he moved to stand on shaky legs and peek out the window to gain his sense of direction. Snow. A heavy sheet of snow, far more than when he had sat down under that tree. Rolling hills, they must not have been too far from home when they found him. No cities around, no guards. Just a small herd of heavily wooled sheep in a covered pen and a field that was currently empty of crop for winter. 

_ Farmers and ranchers. Ah. I was partially right.  _

Weak legs pulled him towards the door, cracking it open silently to listen for a short moment down the hall. They seemed to be laughing about a sheep caught in a tree, whom he assumed to be Ivan and two women. Slowly he crept forward, shy and withdrawn as he went down the steep staircase to the main room downstairs where everyone was. 

“Hey here he is! We saved you some food, kiddo. Apparently, his name is Lambert, how neat is that?”

A younger girl and older woman greeted him with wide smiles and a wave, and all Dimitri could muster in return was a weak nod before avoiding meeting their gaze again. 

“Wait like after King Lambert? That’s really cool!! Anyways hello, I’m Celene and this’ my mum Sonia.” 

“Hello young one, I’m so glad the two of em found you out there!! Gave us quite a scare for a few days there, though. We have soup ready for you. You don’t gotta be as loud as us though, don’t worry.”

“I… thank you... I’m sorry for being such a bother. I wish I could repay you for helping me.” Dimitri mumbled to the ground, pausing a long moment before shuffling in the unfamiliar room to grab some of the soup offered. It looked hearty, taking a few cautious bites while standing awkwardly in the corner out of their bubble. 

“If you want to, I have an idea that would help us a ton if you’re the fighting sort. From your muscles alone and that getup you had when we found you, I can guess you’d be a decent escort…” Ivan put a hand to his chin in thought, looking him up and down as Dimitri tried to hide behind the tiny bowl of food in his hand. “Where’d ya get such a wild suit of armor in the first place?” 

“Uh… I found it abandoned.” 

He really didn’t like their prying, having to come up with vague answers to not give himself away or make himself more of a target than he was. As… nice as these folks seemed he couldn’t trust a single soul to not turn him in for kudos with Cornelia or a hefty profit. 

“I do know how to fight though. What is it you need?” 

Picking up on his hesitance, his wife piped up cheerily to fill the space.

“Oh! Yes! Stop prying dear, we don’t need his whole backstory to have him help us… sorry. We were just hoping to have an escort to get Celene to market with a few of our sheep for shearing. It would not be but a days travel there and back. You see, she normally goes alone as she’s a big girl now but….” she trailed off, her fluffy red hair flopping over as her head lolled to the side. 

“The Imperial soldiers here scare the shit out of me.” 

“Well yes, that’s one way to put it. I don’t trust her alone for that distance knowing the hostility with the Dukedom and such…” 

“I… see…”  _ Easy. If anything goes wrong I just get the chance to kill more of those rats.  _ “May I ask, where are we? I have not kept good track of my bearings as of late.” 

“Ah, we are to the south of Fhirdiad, about three days out and a bit closer to Fraldarius territory so… you can guess why tensions are so high with their noble house holding out against the Dukedom.” Hope sparked in him at that.  _ There was a chance Rodrigue was still alive!!! _ But he covered his joy outwardly still. 

“Thank you. I can help as long as I don’t go to the capital. I have some... issues there I wish to avoid.” 

“Ohhh no no no, this is just a small farming town to the west. They don’t know how to shear sheep in the capital are you kidding me!” 

Dimitri sighed in relief. Anything but there. He was already too close to Cornelia's clutches for comfort at the moment. He couldn't risk getting any nearer towards her usurped political reach.

"Wait a minute!! Before you go I have a gift for you young man, if you'll accept it." 

_ A gift? _

Ivan hoisted himself to his feet, hopping over to rifle through a box next to the fireplace before returning with his hands clasped together over something.

"This was my late fathers and to be honest, as sentimental as it is it's just collecting dust now. I think it would be put to better use giving a guy down on his luck just a little more sense of dignity, you know?" 

Celene nodded her assent sternly behind them before the man held out his hands to place a black leather eyepatch in Dimitri's own. He almost cried with a heavy bow. The generosity was too much for an undeserving failure like he.


	21. Chapter 21- Waste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens" -Woody Allen
> 
> TW: suicide

A few days later, their little family deemed ‘Lambert’ well enough for the trek and they set out. It was a calm ordeal but the daughter made for light-hearted company at least, all too glad to fill the air with a light tone as they crunched along the snowy path with their five sheep in tow. She hummed tunes, talked about her upbringing and the state of the country, and other such various topics. 

“You know, I met him once?” 

The young lady glanced proudly up at her confused bodyguard before continuing. 

“The King.” 

_ Oh. Right. _

“You must have been quite young back then…” 

She nodded as Dimitri avoided her gaze again while they trudged silently closer to the town. 

“Yeah but it was amazing, he looked so strong and his smile was wide. I could just tell he was a good guy I… oh oops I should probably speak more reverently of him should I not.”

“I would think he would prefer honesty myself.” 

“Ya think? You know I... “ she sighed with a small smile. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say you look just like him, as brave and handsome as him even missing an eye. If only the Prince hadn’t been killed… I could have sworn…” 

Forlorn, she scowled at the ground. So they did tell people he was dead. Panic rushed in him for half a second, reminding himself that these people couldn’t possibly know who he was even with this awkward topic of choice, and she wasn’t leading him to get captured again. Dimitri chuckled low to himself. _ Oh, right. This was just false flattery. She doesn’t know how horrid you really are... _

“I doubt I could ever live up to that compliment...”

“Nonsense! You never know the change one person might have on the world if given the chance…” 

They made it to their destination rather quick for the weather, him going to get a drink in solitude while Celene attended to her task. An uneventful trip, they set off for home sometime later when all was set and they had traded in the market, slowly losing daylight with the short winter days. _ If only those damn sheep could walk a little faster… _

He was getting antsy being in one spot for so long, hoping to get on the road that night but knowing he would probably get talked into another night in an actual bed before he was back to the uncertainty of the road. 

That was, until they rounded the corner to her house.

Ablaze, the farmhouse burned with a fiery intensity against the stark white snow even in the dying daylight, lighting up the entire valley. Celene gapsed, running towards it screaming as Dimitri was frozen in place with fear. His feet wouldn’t move, seeing naught but the fires of the tragedy burning in the back of his eyes as he started to shake. Embers floating in his vision dragging him right back, emotionally and physically to the suffering of five years ago he still had yet to process. Nerves set on edge as his thoughts raced with his dry mouth agape, he tried to hold fast to the current world as best he could.

** _No. _ **

** _They found me. I’m next. _ **

** _I killed them. I KILLED THEM. All they did was help me and I… got them killed in turn…_ **

** _How did they find me?? No no no no no no no... Not like this PLEASE… this isn’t fair!!! _ **

Panicked, he couldn’t even stop himself from fleeing in shame before even telling if the girl was alright or if the family was alive at all. Any second spent there was another second closer the Empire soldiers drew to him. 

_ I can’t go back. _ ** _I CAN’T._ **

He knew they were probably dead. Tortured for information on his whereabouts. The feeble hand he reached out time and time again hoping for better finally withdrew one final time, rebuked by a cold Goddess intent on crushing his hope even further. _ Maybe she did know who he was and her coy speech was just hinting at that??? Maybe she was paid a hefty sum to set him up like that? Who knew if they broke, if they got out. No, they couldn’t have. _ For how cruel they had been to him, Dimitri knew the Empire would spare no commoner in pursuit of him. He could practically hear their death cries ringing in his ears as their flesh melted from them, shocking him into action. He couldn’t bear to hear the truth at any rate, feet carrying him quickly in the opposite direction, hoping that it would be enough to outrun their pursuit of him. The guilt of knowing him staying alive just one week longer had cost even more innocent lives urged him on, ragged breaths as he trudged through the snow as quickly as he could, finding the going faster under forest cover until he broke out to the coast sometime later. He had run for days, legs threatening to give out underneath him. It didn’t seem far enough even as he ran out of earth to flee with.

-

As he stood on the precipice, salty air barely perceptible across his blank face, he wondered why. ** _Why me??_ ** _ Why give me so much just to tear it away piece by piece. Just enough so the universe could be sure that it cut away at me every time. Why this?? Why did it have to be her? Why did you take Byleth, Dedue… I could have dealt with the rest… but I can't hear, I can't think. Nothing makes sense any more. What did that family do to deserve dying to help me? What did my family do to deserve being slaughtered? Why can I never catch a break? _

** _Is this a joke??? Are you toying with me, Sothis?? A cat playing with a rat they know is going to die anyway? Why won’t you just get it over with? Why don’t I? Why did you stop me from dying last time?? _ **

** _LET._ **

** _ME._ **

** _GO._ **

A life bereft of worth, having accomplished naught. _ A pure pathetic waste. No! Not even a waste! I am leaving the world a worse place than when I came here! _ He couldn't even protect those he cared for, couldn't protect himself from his carnal impulses. _ Animal. _

** _Monster._ **

_ I need to be put down. I only hurt anyone who comes near me. _ ** _Hell is too good for you, Dimitri._ **

_ “If you can't finish the one thing we asked of you, then you should just join us. _ ** _Finish it._ ** _ You are a failure. You can't even kill one silly girl. Pathetic.” _

Yet he had to go on for them. He didn’t want to. He was so weak… so weak…. everything ached_ . I beg you... _

_ Why can't I die? Please… Father… Dedue... Glenn. Step-mother... Byleth... _

Fistfuls of hair as he tore at himself, unaware of the cold encroaching. Nothing mattered. The pain on his scalp didn’t even touch him as he tried to feel something, anything on his physical body while his heart ached. The encroaching claws of his past failures ripped him open. The weight so overwhelming he felt he might burst as tears flowed endlessly, clouding his vision even more than his warped perception of the world already did as he debated stopping the madness with the only choice he felt he had. The guilt of his sins, the pain of what the universe inflicted on him, the weight of mistakes and things unsaid. Screams tore from his heavy lungs, ragged and broken cries by him still being sick, a headache pulsing from the stress and fingers bleeding from scratching his way out here. It didn’t hurt enough. He could hardly feel it. 

** _Why won't you let me go? LET ME GO. LET ME BE FREE._ **

It was so far… so far down... He could barely perceive the rocks below through the thin fog. He would be lost to time, reclaimed by the earth. Nobody would find the prince until he was an unrecognizable pile of salt bleached bones. One less burden on these troubled times to deal with. His heart pounded with fear, overwhelming anguish, choking him and curdling what little contents his malnourished stomach held from it’s last meal. Yes. The meal the kind family he had _ JUST KILLED _ gave him with no expectations... _ They didn’t know what danger they were in. I was too much of a coward to warn them. _ ** _Disgusting._ ** _ Just one slip. Just one. Then it won’t hurt anymore. Then you couldn't hurt anyone else. You can’t cause any more chaos or pain. Just do it. Stop it here. You only have one choice!! NOTHING else has worked!!! _

Standing on the verge, unsteady feet shaking beneath him as the wind threatened to make the choice for him, right before deciding to finally let himself fall he dug his hands deep into the leather pockets lining his leg armor and felt a forgotten lump. He dug out a dirty sachel. Loneliness clung to his aching chest like a vice grip, wrenching more tears from his wind-dried eye as he felt Byleth’s tiny hands on his own once again.

_ "Herbs. To help with sleep." _

He crushed the tiny gift in his shaky fist, holding it to his dry quivering lips as he fought against the wind at his back. His longing clung so viciously to his empty soul... That stopped him. If he died, she would be gone forever. He wasn’t selfish enough to erase her memory as well. Even on the slim chance that she was still somewhere out there, okay… she had not shown herself since the one dream either. Maybe there was still hope. _ Is that stupid? No. No. Stop making excuses. _

** _JUST DO IT._ ** _ You came all this way. _

** _STOP. STUPID boy._ ** _ You can do something. You still have your strength. _

"Byleth... I'm sorry... ** _BYLETH..._ **" 

_ Do you really want to make this easy for her? Why are you giving Edelgard what she wants?? _ ** _They took her from you_ ** _ . They took everything from you. And still you give up. _ ** _ How dare you? _ ** _ Go kill them for our sake. Take back your pride in their blood. _

"Alright, you putrid demon!!! You want me dead so badly, come and finish it yourself!!! **COWARD!"** Dimitri screamed at the sky, roaring over the open uncaring sea as if it would answer back while he chucked Byleth’s gift into the foggy abyss. Hopefully, they would get the message anyway. Byleth wasn’t coming back. He was on his own, and he knew he at least had the stubborn willpower of a boar to make sure his goal came to fruition before he could give up for good. 

_ I’ll join you when I’m dead, my lovely Professor… you won’t have to wait long. I WILL finish this. I WILL kill her. Just wait for me... _

Falling backward with a loud thump, Dimitri crumpled in on himself and sobbed, at least slightly relieved to put off the decision to die another day. Nothing seemed to soothe him any longer. Not fighting, not the thought of dying, not dreaming. He couldn’t hold in the pain, and he couldn’t expel it. It just built up in his psyche, pouring out of every pore like a thick poison every time he stopped moving for long enough to think. No more. No more laying down and waiting to die. He would claim the right to die with honor. Sorrow flowed out, replaced with obstinate bitter determination. 

_ I can't let her win. I'm not going down without a fight. Screw nobility. Screw kindness. If they want me to be a beast, then a beast I shall be. _ ** _Their worst nightmare._ **

  
  


"Monster, am I? I guess I should live up to their expectations then."


	22. Chapter 22- Repulsed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Limits of the Dead

So began Dimitri’s long battle with releasing everything vile he had been holding back. Dominating any Imperial in his path, his attacks grew more vicious and gruesome as he learned brutal efficiency at the hands of discarding his humanity for heightened senses. He didn’t need social skills to stay alive. He didn’t need kindness to kill soldiers. He didn’t need a soul to become a vessel for the dead. He didn’t need proper manners to dismember rats. Fighting made him feel alive when the entire world felt at arm's length. The overexertion, visible in every tense muscle, every scream, every cry that forcefully yanked him back to the world of the living, only to recede back into his psyche at once when his weapon fell. Sad that his life was lived in absolutes, either feeling nothing or feeling everything and afraid of both extremes. Entirely at the will of a cruel mind that pushed him further and further from what his heart wished so desperately to be. Further and further from who Byleth had hoped he could be.

_ Pathetic. Disgusting. Animal. At least I’m no longer lying to myself, right? _

He could not express himself with words, so he let his spear do the talking. Begging for death, and knowing the goddess was not so merciful, his bloody path was screamed far and wide. Yet he evaded capture for many moons. Ruthlessly slaying anyone who could speak has a way of shutting down any possibility of detection. Every slash of the blade a taunt. Every crush of bones a cry for help. Every regressed social skill a bold note to stay away. It was all he could do to stay alive long enough to exact his revenge. _ Push it down. _ The seeping black wound of loathing and bitterness eating away at him, oozing out with every harsh movement. Pitch black, enveloping all that he was, making the decision easy. 

_ Nobody is coming. Nothing matters. Nobody cares. So why should I? _

So he tore his way through destroying any Imperial pig tainting his territory to no end, slowly and deliberately making sure Cornelia knew he was not under her control any longer. Hoping that _ TRAITOR _ would hear about his rebellious vengeance. In the end, at least having a simple goal to propel him forward as disgusting and depraved as it was was better than the overwhelming aimless anxiety he had to endure those long years he had no answers for the tragedy. He knew this mood could not last forever, but knew it would hold long enough to finish his task and finally rest in peace with his family.

Again and again and again, with each kill, self-flagellating to reenact his worst moments and fears. Reenacting the holy tomb. Reenacting Duscur. Reenacting his captivity. Reenacting Remire. Reenacting losing that family. Stuck in a regressive loop, over and over he repeated the same destruction knowing the outcome would never change but knowing he deserved nothing less. Killing himself with each stab. Killing himself with each snap. Killing himself with every pitiful cry for mercy from disgusting rats. Each act piling on his greedy need to validate his own self-loathing, for three long torturous years. 

_ They deserved it. They asked for it. It was self-defense. They attacked first. They tried to steal from me. They tried to stop me. I quit counting long ago. I understand their bitter hatred. I was just stronger. It’s just nature. _

It’s not like he had much choice. He was raised to express himself with anger, and so turned to the only thing that made sense to his broken addled mind to fix things. His family only goaded him on. Faerghus solved problems with violence, not tears or words. He did not want any of this, and yet he was powerless to stop it. Trapped in his own memories, through new lenses each time but the same emotions thrown on top of the pile of corpses in his mind. So he squashed his kindness, steeled his heart, hid away his true self bit by bit, knowing it was his only means of survival. The super-strength he once cursed now tragically proved to be his only usable asset. _More. More. Bury it more. _

Sleep with one eye open. Only half-resting at best, even when stolen booze wasn’t near to facilitate the needed self-care to stay bare minimum alive. 

_ Feed us, Dimitri. She grows closer. Killing is nothing. _

_ War is nothing _.

War was his mind. It had been there all along. Bred in it, raised in it. Pupated in its cruel clutch, and finally born again nothing but a murderous machine after the last dredges of kindness were snuffed out with his family’s last labored breaths. Fighting himself was far harder than any foe and he knew that the day he fell it would be no other fault than losing the battle against his demons. His ghosts. His failures and fears. 

Days passed unnoted, and life washed over Dimitri, pulling him under the tide of change. his last tether to moving forward died for him. His last finger slipped off the edge and pulled him under at long last. Whatever pathetic coping techniques he had no longer sufficed as it was too late to stop the thoughts and impulses crashing over him and pull him violently under. The worst parts of himself took over, reducing him to naught but a reactive wounded animal fighting for any scrap of life still allowed beast like himself. He gladly let it happen now. He lost himself in pieces, numb to the change and uncaring anyway. It was all he could do to survive. Beaten, starved, pursued so relentlessly he forgot how to be normal. Every bump a pursuer, every smile a farce, every resting place temporary. On guard so long that his senses quit recognizing anything else than danger. He had to stay alive for them. He had to finish their last will and testament. He had to honor them with blood.

If fate was lost to him, he would carve his own violent path. If the goddess had forsaken him, he would be his own keeper. Bitterness fed him. Spite fueled him. Normal means were not enough to tear him down, but his goal propelled him forward, step by step. He couldn't die yet, not until it was finished. Such was his bloody birthright.


	23. Chapter 23- Depraved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas have a present haha

His bloody rampage took him everywhere in those three years time, and nowhere. Numb to it all, he blanked out a good deal of the time to let his body automatically carry him till it was finally time to die. Until one day he was waiting for soldiers to pass before slitting their throats as they spoke:

“Yeah, apparently the millennium festival is coming soon, eh? It's sorta sad, nothing is gonna happen over there at the monastery ever since we took over though.”

“I know, it’s almost funny. That was supposed to be this big ordeal and here we are living it up in the ruins instead. Wild how things change in such a short time…”

_ Millenium festival?? Why did that sound fam- _

_ Professor!! PROFESSOR!!! _

_ What if she showed herself to me again?? You and Dedue both… have not joined the voices of my family… I miss you… Professor… I miss you so… is it bad of me to hope… maybe if I go… could I see you again... _

Having heard enough, he checked off two more rats from his list with brutal efficiency. Checking their map, he was indeed near Garreg Mach. Perhaps it was time for a visit in hopes her sweet old ghost would join him once more. 

_ I can get there in a day’s time it looks like… _

Yet when he arrived, it was a mess. Should have anticipated such, but the cries of ruffians and thieves littering the once happy streets in the surrounding town echoed empty in his soul. _ Disgusting. They don’t deserve to touch these halls... _

As Dimitri aimlessly wandered the monastery in a daze, clearing out room after room of vagrants and thieves, his mind wandered. Pangs of guilt as he sulked the old dusty halls, empty and faded and broken, his furred boots echoing hollowly off every surface around him as if to remind him how much had changed. How much he had lost. The peals of bright laughter and clang of metal of five years ago contrasting too harshly to the now empty footsteps of a lone pathetic man through the once beautiful great rooms and well-manicured gardens now torn to shreds by war and looted of any valuables. 

_ Why did I come back here? This hurts… I was running from this. Why did I come… fool…. _

Walking slowly around to the dorm area through the overgrown grass he noted bandits approaching Byleth’s room. That wouldn’t do. 

_ Rats. _

_ Defiling HER things. They would pay for that transgression. _

Dimitri cut them down harshly with zero emotion, the only response in his system registering to be that of loathing, disgust. They were not fit to be near his beloved Professor’s things. After unceremoniously discarding the corpses to the side he stepped into Byleth’s room, everything seemed to be in order from his last visit so very long ago. He remembered vividly being back here, comforting her as the fake prince he once pretended to be. A joke of a man, but he wanted so badly to be that for her. Falling asleep accidentally in her arms, hoping for a future he knew he could never have. Stealing happiness he was now paying for painfully.

_ Hilarious. I can’t believe I was ever so stupid. _

His blood-stained gloves swiped gently over the dusty surfaces she once called home; her determined soothing voice nearly coming back to him as he closed his eyes for a short second before running his hand over a metallic clank on the desk. Looking down, he found the pendant he had gifted her. Five years of dust and patina dulling the beautiful silver shine on the lions head, Dimitri gingerly lifted it to his lips as he quivered. The day she wore it to class, everyone liked it so, so much. She was still under the impression _ all _of them had chosen it… 

But no. It was just him. Desperate for validation, pathetic whelp of a child eager for any scrap of attention she could gift him. It made him sick to remember how stupidly he threw himself at her, not even knowing why. Coming back was a mistake. Shame. 

** _I’m_ ** _ the mistake. I’m just being reminded of that fact coming back here. I failed her. I let her go and die. _

He continued his discovery, looking for clues to the woman she once was so he could better remember her for who she really was. Beautiful, strong, thoughtful, patient, determined… and apparently, learning healing magic? He went to her wardrobe eventually, feelings rushing back even harder as he whimpered, seeing her favorite cloak, more shirts, more shorts, that uniform she only wore once but was absolutely divine… he held it close for a short second while he shook. 

_ Why wasn't I a better man? _

_ Why couldn't I tell her? _

_ Why give me things only to rip them away? _

_ I waited, Byleth. I waited so long. Was it not enough? Am I still not good enough? Why can't I forget you for good?? _

The ache in his chest of both hunger and longing grew only stronger as he willed himself to relax best he could. Swallowing hard, hunger made him search for… other things. He did not deserve to touch her belongings like this, not after all he had done. Yet his hands groped until he found what he was searching for: the dirty pile she had not yet washed before leaving this world. He knew he was soiling her, her image, his ruthless angry tears staining her precious clothes as he grabbed them and held them to his face, desperate for her in any way shape or form as dirty as it may be. Yet he could not stop himself surely as she had been there encouraging him with that soft, insistent tone she held during training what seemed ten eons ago. He found something that… brought back a memory of their fighting session. Yes. Numbness clawed at his core, ripping bright memories back to the present time, where her gentle touch wasn't going to ruffle his hair, her soft hand wouldn't lay on his, her sweet smile was but a long-forgotten memory. Why, out of everything, couldn't she haunt him as well? 

_ Maybe if I anger her enough she will show herself... _

It pained him, hoping for _ SOMETHING. Anything. _ To not forget her. After that single haunting nightmare that still stuck with him, her form never again visited him. The smell of her room only brought pain though, so maybe it was for the best memories faded. Yet something in him would not let her go as he wandered back to her bed with the sweaty shorts in tow. They barely held a passing glimpse of what he was after, but it was enough. His mind remembered, after all their close encounters. Over the years, his sense of smell sharpening as well along with his hearing for survival, now being used for yet another animalistic need. Wishing for her ghost was Dimitri’s last big regret; hoping for more when he knew better than to wish on a dream for anything more than a painful bloody, bitter end. 

Byleth remained non-existent but his family laughed at his pitiful display as they watched on. They already knew how pathetic he was after all these years of hunting like a feral creature, but they didn’t know he would be deplorable enough to get roused at his memories, eye glued shut as he drunk in her faded scent to remember how close he once was. He could have taken her, and she probably would have given it… her soft body, her sweet gaze… he throbbed at the memory of her furrowed brow, pulling his manhood free of his pants, hearing her call his name over and over in time with each stroke up his dirty depraved shaft. He yearned so badly, even back then, and never had the guts to act on it. Did she know he touched himself at night begging for her validation? Did she know he felt heat under his collar all those years ago every time she smiled at him? He felt sick but knew he was just acting like the beast he was.

_Sylvain was right. Coward._ _I could never have done anything. _

Rutting blindly into her things, begging for release a sense of shame came over him. He didn’t deserve her. He didn’t deserve to know what she smelled like, didn’t deserve to touch her, didn’t deserve to ruin her godlike image with his sick needs. It’s all he could do, imagining what her moans would sound like, how she would feel wrapped around his dick as he thumbed over the swollen head, how her soft hands would feel holding him tight as he moaned loudly, telling him she loved him as he built to a heavy pant, biting her lip as he groped desperately at himself, feeling her tense around him in pleasure as he sped up… and came hard, thick sticky white ropes painting her sheets. For the first time in years he let go all that pent up desire all over her bed before he had realized what he had done. She wasn’t there. She wasn’t coming. No matter what he did, she was gone forever. The empty room echoed around him, a draft drawing him quickly back to the present where she no longer existed. The high quickly left as his heart rate returned to normal, feeling none the better for having defiled Byleth’s things. It’s not like she would ever know… 

_ Disgusting. _

_ Boar. Animal. Beast. _ ** _Depraved._ **

_ Yes. Yes. and Yes. We’ve been over this. You can’t give me an insult that will mean anything any longer. I’ve heard it all. I just want a chance to see her again... _

He continued to cry blankly, giving up on moving for the night as he clutched her things tight while the hollow in his chest remained empty of her warmth. Byleth was the last bit of kindness the cruel world had gifted him, and she wasn't coming back. All because of him. He could afford himself one night to grieve his failure, laying there as her faint scent on the pillowcase swirled in his head. Amber and peonies. Clutching it so hard it threatened to tear as loud sobs wracked his form, he begged the goddess for answers he knew wouldn't come until exhaustion finally let him pass out. 

_ It’s not like she could have ever loved me anyway. _


	24. Chapter 24- Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand I'm on vacation again I'm sorry OTL

Roused from sleep with clanging nearby, Dimitri’s single tired eye cracked open reluctantly to what was probably more rats. For all the annoyance of being awake so early, at least the lion was hungry for blood... It was still dark, and he had only rested a few hours at most but that was all he needed. He rose, kissing her things goodbye and fixing her room as it was before his soiled hands touched it, before reverently closing her door behind him and lurking the monastery once again to clear the infestation. After ridding the dining hall of vermin, he took some of the dead thieves food to munch on near the dock, plopping down roughly on the steps. In the early morning haze, the monastery was so serene despite the decay, naught but birds in the crisp air and the gentle slosh of water against the dock in the pond on the high mountain where Garreg Mach stood. Reminiscent of so many early mornings he also couldn’t sleep back so very long ago. As he munched lazily, some of the grounds cats slinked over to him.

“I don’t have anything for you. Begone.” His voice was soft despite their insistent mewling, cuddling up to him in the cold winter air in the hopes of mooching some meat or body heat. They must be eating well with all the vermin around, though, but they were greedy. Animals take what they can get when they can get it. But he couldn’t be cruel. They were just doing what nature told them, after all… It reminded him of something he couldn’t place. Methodical, deadly efficient, yet so cute and soft… he never hated cats, but ambivalence over his years on the run gave way to a mutual understanding and respect of the creatures. They _ were _ cute... Reaching down, he pet one calico gently as it canted into his touch, relaxing as if inherently they all knew he was one of them. Yet _ they _ never begrudged themselves for what must be done as he did. They never lost sleep over their guilt. They just did what cats do. Kill to survive. None of the weighty pain that poisoned every waking thought Dimitri had over his similar impulses kept them up at night. 

“If only I could rest so soundly with all the bodies piled behind me…” 

Three of them had snuck their way into the places his body heat escaped his hunched over form lounging against the side of the stairs and started to purr, and he allowed the fuzzy friends their time for a short while in silence until just before daybreak as he heard some undesirables sneaking in through the market loudly, talking about wanting to meet up with their friends and steal some of the valuables in the back of the cathedral. The cats started up, and his short rest was over once again.

_ Time for more fun, eh? They just won’t let up. _

Over too quickly, Dimitri satiated his bloodlust on the sizeable amount of men that had gathered there in the ruined halls of the once-proud worship hall. Their death screams echoing loudly off of every cracked and dirtied surface, bloody cries to the goddess that would never reach her ears before their heads were torn straight from their body, or vaulted across the room to snap their back, or disemboweled on their own weapons. His glee at ridding the world of one more monster all the merrier as in their panic they had cornered themselves to the far corner heading up to the goddess tower. _ Almost done… _

And finally, he could rest again for a short while, recessing back into the cold numb shell he normally was, up in the lonely spire that somehow stood the test of the invasion five years ago. So many memories here… well. One in particular. Painful. Promising himself to a dead woman. His shoulders slumped as he wilted at the memory, trying to remember just how ethereal his Professor had looked, hair backlit like a perfect halo around her. Angelic, so far above him, her soft insistent voice chastising him for the joke. 

But it wasn’t a joke. 

His heart sank, knowing that even in her anger she would never visit him again. Defiling her things wasn’t enough to summon her wrath. His stupid childish words rang hollow in his soul, and he knew he would do anything at that moment to take those back. To have another chance to truly tell her he needed her to live. 

As if by a divine coincidence, in his haze he had missed the steps coming up the stairs until his gaze met another hallucination. Just as ethereal as he remembered… finally, Byleth had come to join his family. As perfect as the day he met her. Tempering his joy at the sight, he turned his head at her outstretched hand knowing that he couldn’t hold her. Her brilliant jade hair lit up like a thousand suns in the dawning light, the goddess reborn… she was always so far above him… so far away. Even standing in front of him, he knew he was unfit to behold her form once again.

“I should’ve known, that one day... You would be haunting me as well.” 

He couldn’t tarnish her. Couldn’t break her flimsy hold on the world as a ghost. It was enough that she was back in any way at all. Slowly, he rose while avoiding her touch to find that she was so much… smaller than before. _ Was she always this short? _ More fragile, and there was a sadness in her gaze he could not place. 

“You… what must I do to be rid of you??” 

_ No. Not sadness. _ ** _Pity._ **

“I will kill that woman, I swear it! Do not look upon me with scorn in your eyes!”

_ I know I am a failure. I’ve done nothing in five years, beloved Professor. I tried but I got nowhere. _

He bowed his head in shame at the pain she openly showed, more vivid than any other emotion he had ever seen on her face before while she lived. A soft gasp leaving her as she realized just how far things had degraded for him, her soft brows furrowed over those soft eyes… _How fitting she showed her true feelings because she was disgusted at the sight of what I truly am._ _I hope you are happy to meet the real prince Dimitri. _He kept talking, knowing she could not answer him. He had to silence her anger before she became just as mad as the rest of his family. She had to understand. 

“I am working on it please just… give me time. Then you can rest as well, Professor…”

“What are you talking about?” 

His heart jumped out of his chest. 

_ Byleth… _

_ Her voice had echoed. _ ** _Ghosts don’t carry. _ **

_ It can’t be… _ “You’re alive?? Byleth??” 

** _STOP, you STUPID overeager boy!!! Protect yourself. Have you learned NOTHING these five years!!!! Nothing ever goes your way!!!! Nothing is nice in this world. It’s a ruse!_ **

Jittery, he gulped hard, knowing better than to trust this. His lance hand gripped steady, subtly reading for an attack while not signaling his intent to the other party. Gaze hardened, his heart still pounding, but there was no denying that this was flesh and blood before him and not another of his dead friends that sometimes graced his lonely thoughts. 

_ They were right. It had to be a spy. _ ** _Just like Rodrigue._ **

“Were you sent here to try and kill me, spy? ANSWER THE QUESTION!” He barked, knowing it was a bad attempt after the actors they had sent since Rodrigue were all so hackneyed they couldn’t even scratch him before their flimsy act fell apart. The _ real _ Byleth would never pity or care for him, after all...

“Dimitri…” she paused to gaze at the ground with worry and pain in her eyes, unsure if he was serious it seemed. 

_ I am deadly serious, woman. _He crossed his arms resolutely, staring down at her with furious intensity while the heavy weight in the air grew. She reluctantly answered after a long pause.

“Of course not…” barely a whisper, she looked so hurt at the assumption as well with a wild shake of her head in denial. _ Too bad. I can’t fool around any longer, not with this having been an issue before. It would kill me to do so. _

_ I can’t trust you from that alone. _

“Tch. Even if you aren't telling the truth, I would rather fall by no hand than your own.” He pushed past her roughly, shoulder checking to make sure if she actually did exist or not. 

“I… I’m glad you’re safe.” her voice broke.

_ FUNNY JOKE!!! Safe. SAFE! I haven’t been okay since Edelgard betrayed me! _He snarled, gritting his teeth and clenching his fist at her foolish assumption, but tried to temper his anger. She didn’t deserve his wrath.

_ Just because I am breathing doesn’t mean I am safe. Not like you can help anyway. _

“Am I?” 

Wordlessly, he stomped out of the tower, kicking disfigured corpses out of his way as he did so, hoping she would quit following. She didn’t. Tiny heeled footsteps nearly double in time to keep up with him as she bounded behind like a lost puppy. He kept walking through the cathedral, intent on leaving her behind with large strides until she stopped him with further nagging. Her voice, pleading almost.

“What have you been doing these past five years?” 

_ So many questions. I don’t know. I don’t know! STOP pestering me! _ He refused to face her. The judgment hurt too much, her pained look dragging its nails down the calloused skin around his heart he had painfully built up to protect himself. He could tell how much this hurt her, still well-versed in her subtle ways to know she was torn apart by his reality now as if he could have done anything about it. It hurt him to hear her upset at his truth for the past five years. But where was she if she hated seeing this so badly? Nothing made sense any longer. Conflicting feelings thrashed around him, whipping his psyche around like a flimsy toy. Did he want her back or not?? He still didn’t know... it hurt... but somehow even then he yearned for it. _ Why is being near to you again so painful?? I had just learned to live without your light professor, now I can’t look at you lest it burns me… a shameful beast doesn’t deserve that right... _

“I have been dead, more or less.” _ I died the day I found out the truth, in all honesty. You saw it. I try to forget. Why are you bothering me… it hurts. Let me be numb again. _

“Why do you say it like that? You’re… you are still alive though…”

“What do you hope to gain, asking me that? We have more important matters to attend to.” He spat at her, hoping she would quit the painful prodding. _ Distraction. I need distraction. Her pitying gaze is so heavy. _ His neck sweaty and palms tingling, being forced to answer immediately for what he had numbed out slowly over the years was too much. His limbs screamed for a release of the emotional stress even though he had already killed so many this morning just moments before her arrival. It’s not like he knew the answer to any of these things either. He had forgotten most of it, and that which he had not forgotten was still such a raw open wound on his soul he wished not to poke at it and make matters worse. If he fell apart from the pain, he knew it would kill him. He would make a mistake and die. _ Shove it down. _

“Do you not smell them? Filthy rats. Everywhere. I only cleared out some of them, the traces of those who were here long ago. And thieves, crawling from the woodwork, attracted by the promise of treasure. Since the monastery fell, order in that area fell right along with it. You must have seen the state of the town on your way in. Vile thieves run rampant. They pillage and loot to their heart’s content.” 

A pause. She said nothing. He had hoped his words would shock her into leaving him be. So he twisted the dagger further. 

“I must kill them. Every last one. It’s time to hunt down their nest.” 

“What do you plan to do?” 

“I already told you. Kill them all.” No hint of emotional response. Dimitri was gone, receded back into the box of dull safety devoid of color and happiness.

“Even thieves are just trying to survive…” 

She seemed shocked by the truth even still. Pathetic. 

“It doesn’t matter what their reasons are. Someone must put a stop to this cycle of the strong trampling the weak.” _ I am already a monster. I’ve been doing this long enough to know I am fit for the task. Just doing what nature asked of me, no matter how much it hurts. _

He continued to fervently search her face for any reaction, hoping that she would either be scared off or understand the gravity of the situation now. Challenging her, pushing for a reason for the absence he continued. She _ had _ to understand.

“Or do you condone their actions? Do you believe that the pillaging and slaughtering those rats live for is justified? It’s _ reprehensible _ and they must be _ put down _! I intend to give them a taste of the pain they have inflicted on others. Even if it means becoming a rat myself, I swore to at least do that much… I will not let them down...” 

In his eyes, that girl being raped. In his eyes, the shapeshifter. In his eyes, Cornelia laughing at his agony. In his eyes, the soldiers hurting his people, stealing from them and taking advantage of the chaos of war to hurt others. In his eyes, every time he saw how disgusting and vile and selfish all of them were. On his skin, the heat of the house from the family that housed him. In his ears, the peals of laughter as children cried from the hurt these monsters pretended was justified. He knew they didn’t need to go this far to survive. It was purely selfish, disgusting sociopathic behavior. They knew they didn’t have to go as far as they did. But they did it anyway. They did it because they could_ . I want so badly… so badly to just tell her how I really feel. I…. no. I'm going to do it anyway. She will find out eventually. _

"People are evil, self-serving monsters underneath all their polish. You can cover that in a veneer of kindness, but the very second the opportunity presents itself to exploit others? Every single person has the ability to drop that cover and take advantage of those around them. Covers like the one I had adopted at the monastery. Covers like the man you thought was so kind. That was never the true me. You either show your true, evil, violent, hurtful animal self in times of stress, or you die. This world has no place for weakness… that’s why I fight. One less monster means one less person has to degrade themselves to my level. One less rat means one less damaged turning into a demon of their own as well…" He trailed off, having shocked her finally. _ Good. _ Mumbling as he turned to leave, "I’m already ruined, after all…"

“Can just the two of us really prevail? It sounded like a lot of them…” 

“It does not matter the reason. All that matters is killing those who deserve to die.”


	25. Chapter 25- Destroyed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we get to the hard part; balancing this poor mess with the rest of this huge cast. :( 
> 
> I've also been having a rough time personally, but really without all the kind comments I probably would not have come back this long to continue writing it. Thank you again. <3

Stomping out of the monastery by the back doors, Dimitri made his way down to the racket bouncing off the mountainous crags in the city below. She followed like a persistent shadow. Slinking along the hidden paths, he neared the racket the thieves were making in their oblivious looting, hoping that_ cursed _ _ woman _ would leave him be in his misery with every step and knowing better that she would never drop the issue. She tried talking a few times, brushed off and ignored. Speaking was too much. She was too much. 

She would have to see just how much he had changed with her own eyes since she wouldn’t believe him. 

“Shall we go rat hunting, Professor?” He crossed his arms and raised his head, a challenge in the wild look in his eyes.

“There’s so many is this wi-”

“I’ve taken many more on my own. You doubt me?” 

“I just don’t wish to see you hurt…”

Turning from her worry, Dimitri scoffed in disapproval. He tried to tell himself it did not matter if his attitude hurt her; he still wasn’t even sure she was real, or falsehood, or changed in some other way. He didn’t have time for niceties when the hot breath of his dead family bore down on his neck every step he took, begging for revenge. Clawing at his collar, choking him and stifling his decision making with every bloody step in the wrong direction. Killing until his goal was met was all he could focus on; damn that woman for distracting him from it. After all these years, did she really believe anything could change the current path he was on?

_ Who cares if I’m hurt. It’s not like I deserve any better. Hardly anyone can touch me any longer, much less do lasting damage.  _

“I’m just worried that I can’t strategize well enough to come out on top with just the two of us!” Byleth shouted after him as Dimitri laid into a few stragglers with no mercy. With a glare and blood splattered across his bright blonde hair, he turned to her daring her to stop him. She choked instead, pulling back with unease before giving up. He was not going to listen to reason. 

“Your whingeing is wasting precious energy. Raise your blade and put it to use since you are so worried.” 

His deep resonant voice sounding foreign to him as it bounced off the ruined walls of the once-proud city, cries of confusion from further in their stench infested nest as they slowly woke up to the demon at their doorstep. But it was too late as another windpipe was crushed against a brick wall, another stolen artifact taken back from a chopped off hand. The dead silence all the eerier as the two of them stalked forward before she grabbed his arm to force his attention. 

“Dimitri…” he knew that look. The one that always stopped him dead in his tracks and cooled his blood. Even now he felt the soft pull of her gentle pleading through his worst racing thoughts in her large eyes, try as he may to ignore its influence.

“At least let me tell you the best approach. I promise it will end better for both of us.” 

A twinge of guilt finally. He did not care for himself, but seeing her scared unclenched his jaw as his furious gaze immediately sobered. The lance at his side clinked one end to the ground with a heavy sigh, shoulders slumped in resignation for the time being.

“I’ll comply. But don’t think this means I am anything other than a mindless beast. I may not be able to stop myself as you knew me before, understand this.” 

His teacher just somberly nodded before directing him south and signaling that there were three men lying in wait with bows. Heavy furred boots quietly echoed over the cobblestone as he strode forward ahead of her watchful eye, gulping hard as his trained ears listened intently over the ambient noise for enemy movement. Animalistic stalking towards the targets he foolishly trusted lay in wait, despite her leaving him for dead five long arduous years. Despite everything, his heart still yearned to trust her anyways. How she ever knew all of this he will never know, but if it stopped Byleth from getting hurt maybe it was worth the annoyance to just go with it. 

_ Is hoping so foolish? Dimitri, she is going to leave again. She is going to get you killed. She is going to lead you to harm. Dimitri. Don't listen to her. You know better than this!  _

Chest clenched tight as he followed her command reluctantly, steadying his shaky grip before slicing right around a corner and being rewarded with a pained dying gurgle hidden out of sight a second ago. He continued without pause to cut down the other two bowmen swiftly before being interrupted.

“Professor!!! Is that you?” A bright soft voice, “WAIT… DIMITRI??? We thought you both were goners!! Oh, I’m so glad!” 

Another soon followed. The two best friends. Of course they would come together... Annette practically jumped for joy, her now loose hair bouncing as she shook Mercedes. They didn't know the mess they had walked in to. 

“MERCIE, WE FOUND THEM!! I can’t believe it!!” 

Dimitri gulped, ignoring the classmates slowly shuffling towards the makeshift battlefield as he cut his way through the crowd knowing that Byleth would take care of niceties while he was… otherwise preoccupied. But his unease grew steadily with each missing member of their class returning before he remembered that he did in fact come here for the same reason as they. 

_ Fool. You hoped for this and now you are lamenting your promise being held fast? What an idiot!!! _

He could see the pity and disgust in every face that regarded him in passing, and despite his best efforts to push down his curiosity he kept hoping for more. The cold hard rejection of terror at the sight of who he now was; yes this was what he dreaded most. Part of why he ran. Kept running, and then half-hoped his wish wasn't fulfilled if only to not bear the weight of their curious gaze. All except one that refused to face him. He knew Felix of course was disgusted by him; he told him as much before he got even worse. A pathetic malformed version of who he once hoped to be. Only the bitter swordsman that was once his friend saw the depths of his dark soul, and for that reason he knew he could never hold bitter contempt for him simply seeing the truth of who he was.

A walking corpse leaving a trail of blood behind on borrowed time.

Byleth greeted all of them so gleefully he knew she couldn't understand. Just like them. Trying to answer things she didn't even know herself and hold together some semblance of a formal attack front. Her students greeting her with pleased cheers and curiousity; for she too had been missing as long as he and presumed dead. 

_ Why did I come back… she's wasting my time. Just let me handle this alone. I would be better off alone!! Why am I here! _

His distraction let a few of them inch closer to gawk at the beast before them, anxiety twitching his hands as he tried to catch his fast breaths. His chest seemed tighter just being near his former allies, as he wasn’t juggling shame at the same time as enemies fighting battles on his own. Just as Ashe tried to rush for his arm, Dimitri flinched away from his grasp, rushing ahead to continue fighting. 

_ No time for distractions. He doesn't understand. None of you understand... It's too late for me, don't try to reach out to me. _

"Don't touch me." He spat out before chopping a head clean off to lob it in Ashe’s direction. Only partially on purpose, but it seemed to send the message he noted at the archer’s yelp in reply. The gap between them was far too great to be closed with such a simple thing as a hug. 

-

Shortly, they had disposed of the trash littering the town and Dimitri swiftly slinked away from the crowd to return to the cathedral before anyone could grab hold of him and drag him to some merriment or cheer he couldn't bear. In his exhaustion, he dozed off for a short while before shuffling footsteps behind him quickly brought him to full alert. Byleth spoke. 

"What are you doing here? The others have put together a simple dinner if you can join us."

"No." 

His response echoed flat. No anger. No sadness. Nothing. No room for argument. She paused, shifting her weight before deciding to walk in front of his crumpled shape melting in a broken pew and try to read him. It wouldn't work. He was gone, emotionally shut off to hide from the shame already, knowing he could never face all of them. How dare they assume he would be okay with mindless chatter?? What was he supposed to tell them? 

_ “Oh here’s my cheery story about how I had to gouge out my fucking eye by my own hand before it killed me! Oh here’s this fun tale about nearly dying time and time again, praying for the goddess to let me go for good to no avail! What about when I got my best friend killed and then completely fell apart! Oh here’s this hilarious rendition of how I got piles and piles of people killed by my own cowardice and anger, hoping to fill the gaping void in my soul! Or how about the fun time I had to kill my only father figure left before they twisted before my very eyes! Oh oh, or what about all the times I stripped you naked in my mind hoping to distract from the pain for five minutes! I'm sure you would LOVE to hear all about that!" _

_ Perfect plan, some light dinner chit chat!  _

"No?? Aren't you hungry Dimitri? Don't… you wish to tell everyone that you're okay?" voice wavering, she sounded distraught, but her words cut him deep despite her best intentions. Yet he kept his eyes locked on the ground by her boots, following as she slowly walked around but not lifting his eyes once. As Byleth inched closer, he curled in on himself. Gulping hard, he prayed she would let him go without a fight. He was not worthy to face them. How she had seen his mindless slaughter earlier and come to the conclusion that he was fine was beyond him.

"I'm clearly  _ not _ okay. Leave me be." 

Jaw set firmly in place, he crossed his arms. She would not win out this test of stubbornness. They sat in dead silence for a short while, naught but a slow drip of water through the broken ceiling and a cry from a distant pegasus breaking the air. Dimitri couldn’t stand to look at her, much less join a huge crowd of happy colleagues. Heart heavy as he realized he wasn’t suited for normal company any longer. He couldn’t put on a pretty face like before, like when she cared for him. He was no longer the kind, cheery prince she once knew. That man was killed long ago. She fell for a farce. Did she remember kissing him? Promising herself to a shell of a human. His good eye twitched as he tried to steady his thoughts knowing that if any of them truly knew just what a piece of shit he had turned into, they would drop him immediately in disgust. He was a selfish inhuman monster, incapable of pretending for their sake that everything would be okay. Incapable of covering the rawest, ugliest parts of himself any longer. 

_ You got your way earlier. Stop torturing me. Go join your merry friends already. _

Eventually, Byleth reached out a cautious hand, paused, and retracted it with a heavy sigh before quietly retreating for the night in defeat. It's not like his unsettled stomach could handle food anyway with the new pressure of having to pretend to fit in looming over him again... The exhaustion of the day quickly took over his weary body and aching head. Being around people again seemed so much heavier a task now after years of degradation to the skills he was expected to uphold.

He barely managed short bursts of fitful rest that night on the cold hard pew.


	26. Chapter 26- Wilted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Decide,  
tell me how you loved a lie,  
It wasn't really hard to see'

Rage was so much easier to control than paranoia. But now, every misplaced lashing out just worsened things, scared people, hurt them. Anger was so much more simple than holding back the churning blackness clawing at every crack in his facade. The feelings were overwhelming but at least killing those who deserved it gave an outlet for the anxiety. Now it bubbled over, simmering with nothing to do but hide to not snap at the wrong people or say the wrong thing. After all, even if he was an inhuman beast incapable of love, they still did not deserve his wrath. That was reserved for those responsible for destroying his ideals, his family, his future, others lives…

_ Reserved for that monster and those who serve her. _

They were attempting to mold him back to Prince Dimitri after existing as an animal for five years and the constant torture of being reminded of thus piled more and more guilt on his already overloaded mental plate. He could sense it even when people didn't get hurt or scared. The apprehension, the reviled double takes, the head shakes of disapproval. Nothing he could do was good enough, so he did nothing. But even in his inaction, they were upset still. Voices screaming ever louder in his head, not having their usual outlet in bloodshed. His muscles, aching for the overwhelming pain of being pushed past their limit. It was all he could do to sleep and having that ripped away so suddenly was like a bucket of ice water to the face. He found himself jumping at the tiniest sounds, even more hyper-aware than when he was a vagrant running for his life with no support. How could he trust the ‘support’ that had ignored him for so long? 

_ I deserve no less than scorn for what I've become, at any rate. _

Like a caged animal, Dimitri did nothing but stalk the broken halls avoiding any and all who attempted to intervene. Their disdain, their acknowledgment, their support. It stung his core, burned at his crawling skin leaving behind a burning impression that something was deeply wrong. After a week, every ally quit trying to stop him from hiding away on his own, on the fringes close enough to feel the discomfort but not close enough to accept the humanity being extended to him. The fear was too much. Distractions did not work. Gilbert attempted to praise him, rebuffed. Sylvain tried to ask what was wrong, Dimitri stomped away. Felix looked like he wanted to puke. Mercie looked like she would cry trying to beg him to join the war council. Annette and Ashe tried to understand but were left confused and hurt.

_ All but Byleth. _

She stayed, for some foolish reason, checking on the ghost haunting the monastery at least once a day, bringing him food whether he was able to eat or not. Sadly it did little to help. For some reason, he found sleep and other physical needs even harder to maintain around the others as he found awkward workarounds to do all he could to avoid conflict. It was as if his body recognized danger that was not there, attempting to protect himself from the rejection and hurt he knew was coming but never showed. Day after day, the mounting pressure grew in his head and he talked to his family more. He was sure he looked a loon for it, but he did not care.

They understood. They never judged him. He rocked back and forth on his heels, pacing the cathedral late at night while the last of the church folk snuffed the lanterns and dispersed for sleep.

_ Father… please. Do not worry. My love is steadfast. Soon, I will be able to go with them to Enbarr. Soon, it will be over. This is temporary. Then I can die with no regrets. You will have your blood. _

His pacing and curiosity eventually took him smelly, hungry, and tense, back to his old room. Perhaps it was time for a bath… he did not want to scare people more than he already was. Managing to evade detection on his way up the backstairs past Sylvain’s room and slip in his room from five years ago, his heart sank at the painful memories therein. Untouched. The mess he had left trying to ready for the battle against the Empire remained, scattered clothes, school books, a breeze from a small hole opened in the ceiling, leaving a chill over the area. His eyes wandered over old notes, a broken sword thrown by the window, a letter from his dear professor on the cluttered corkboard… and the birthday gift on the top shelf of his desk, back from when he was able to care. _ Back when people still had hope for him. _ Dead flowers having dropped their petals in a deathly halo around the dried stems. A pang in his chest. Tears wet his cheek even though his face remained blank. He knew not where they came from.

_ I wish I could have been that person for you, Byleth. I wish I could have lived up to your image of me. Still you keep trying… nostalgia is a waste of time. _

He shook away his self-pity with a huff, setting about the annoying task of stripping his scaled armor to go bathe, knowing the bathhouse would be all but deserted for quite some time due to the hour. He just wanted peace, to unwind for a short while. A gentle knock at the slightly open door broke his plans with a startle as he stood with his arms out of his shirt already. Surely it was Gilbert, pestering him again with questions he did not have the answers to and was not equipped to solve. 

However, he opened the door to a very flustered Byleth who quickly noted his lack of dress, scanned his toned and scarred frame before realizing how rude that was with a stutter, turning her head away._ Surely staring in disgust at my malformed body._

“G-gods I’m terribly sorry Felix just told me that-” 

“What do you want.” 

“I…” she struggled to find her words for some reason which puzzled him. She was always so self-assured, instead currently shrinking away staring at the ground in the hall in front of his room while he glowered down at her in silence. Dimitri sighed, softening the slightest in guilt and moving aside to usher her in. Their former Professor, looking so uncharacteristically sheepish it seemed. Or was his perception off again? His arms crossed to try and mentally cover himself as he leaned against the creaky old misused desk behind while she remained awkwardly out of place.

_ Am I making her uncomfortable? Wait, why do I care... _

“Go on.” 

She stood a short moment, avoiding eye contact while shifting her weight before resolving her tone and clearing her throat and spitting her request out quickly. 

“Well, Felix saw you coming up and was worried but I just want to know if you need anything. Nobody has been back in here and we weren’t sure if it was looted like some of the others had been, or if you would like clean sheets or food or needed some clothes wa-”

  
“Do not bother yourself with petty trifles on my behalf. I can fight. I need nothing save my revenge.” 

She sighed, trying to temper her frustration. He just wished to be left alone; her pity and fear was apparent in every glance and he wished none of it. Tapping her foot while avoiding eye contact, it was clear that something was off. 

“Um I...” 

_ What is with her? _

“Spit it out.” 

“Fine. I just wanted to explain myself.”

“What is there to explain.”

_ You and everyone else I trusted left me for dead for five years. Done. _

“I just. Dimitri, I felt you deserved an apology.” 

“For what. The damage is done.” 

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean to leave. I got injured and was… in a coma?” _ Why the pause? _ His one good eye ached as it tried to read her body language, uncomfortable with her unease as well and not sure why she would bother with this. It wasn’t going make him feel any better if that was her goal. “I um. Probably should not have kissed you like that either. It was a mistake. I just… I don’t know. I’ve never had to deal with emotions like this before. I got confused.” 

_ Ah. _

He lied, as much to himself as her. “I do not recall that. It matters not. You got duped by my princely facade and that is now long gone. That man never existed.” 

Her eyes flitted around the room in the long silence following, eventually resting on the dead flowers behind him while he tried to read her dead expression now that she had somewhat regained her cool exterior once more. Byleth had always been good at hiding her own needs and now, who knows? It’s clear she was trying to do something, but he was not in the place to try and understand nor help at any rate. With every passing moment, he grew more and more anxious, eager to push her away for comfortable solitude once more so he didn’t have to think about the unbearable thought that perhaps she was still lying to him as well. It would be easier to believe that she was trying to use him before discarding him again, than believe her truly caring.

“Right… I don’t… know if that's entirely true but…” 

“The time for apologies is long past. Can you not take me at my word? I am only here to serve your needs for the time being, before my use has outlived its welcome and I can finally give my life to the dead. If I fall before then, so be it. Do not worry yourself with trying to fix a shattered soul such as mine.” 

Cross eyes met his own as he finished. Entirely resolute, he was putting on no airs. He truly believed all that he told her with every inch of his being. Believed that he was beyond redemption. Believed that things could not be fixed or helped. Believed that he was inherently _bad, broken, used, evil_. He could take her being mad as long as she understood that his former self she had fallen for was a lie. She shook her head and left quickly as she came leaving him more confused than before.

“Well. I’m not giving up. I’m going to do whatever I can to make things better.” 

_ Fool. Nothing can undo the past, it’s useless to try. _


	27. Chapter 27- Purge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blessed are the flames that have hardened me, 
> 
> so I can now use that power to purge this world of filth.

When the time came to protect Garreg Mach for a second time, he of course obliged. Offering his body in service of their vengeance was far easier than admitting he was in no state of mind to help anyone, and Byleth was a far better leader anyway. Offering his body in the service of the dead had been his only goal for years prior. Allies kept a safe distance in fear of him but it mattered little. He was helping the only way he was able; if he couldn’t do that, then he was simply another burden on them and wouldn’t be worth keeping around any longer. His twisted mindset couldn’t fathom that they actually cared for  _ Dimitri _ , so he told himself to stay busy killing for the sake of those who wanted _ the Boar _ . An empty shell of a man doing what he could to stay stuck in his self-imposed hell, not knowing that he was surrounded by those who just wished to help, and not understanding that it was even a possibility. 

They were reluctant allies simply tolerating the burden that was a disgusting beast as he, awaiting their time to cut him down as well when he quit being of use to them. A tool, not a man.

And so when he realized that the man sent to reclaim the city for the disgusting Emperor’s bloody bidding was in fact someone he recognized from all those years ago in the first battle, he showed absolutely zero restraint in snapping into a furious rage. His attacks intensifying to a scary degree, but he was absolutely sure of it. 

The general in front of him had been the one to shackle him like a beast in the first place before turning him over to that witch Cornelia. His heart pounded, realizing he was one step closer to clearing away the debts of past regrets by making him suffer as he did. That piece of shit HAD to have known the torture he was surely sending the prince too, and he didn’t even flinch as he kicked him roughly in chains to a covered wagon. As the man spoke Dimitri’s blood boiled, feeling every lash from Edelgard’s disgusting lackeys across his flesh, burning at his core. 

He was wild, gone. It was the same man. No doubt. His heart knew it. Byleth’s cries for help went unanswered. Body after body after body, cutting his way to his goal. It was only then that, on the very verge of losing it entirely once more Gilbert decided to set aflame the abandoned streets in the town. Setting the gruesome scene once more, Duscur and his own torture burning in the back of his eyes.

_ Him. That man.  _

_   
_ _ He’s helping EDELGARD. This is his fault. He doesn’t even care. HE DOESN’T EVEN CARE!!  _

** _THAT MAN MUST SUFFER AS I DID. _ **

Bitter hatred pounded in his head, pushing him on as his vision narrowed, lance mercilessly beating down anyone who dared breathe in his direction as he failed to notice his allies backing off even more than normal. Long gone were the days of collaborating with him. Now all they could do to set loose the wild animal as it did its own bidding. Dimitri was gone. As he made eye contact across the long street between them, he could sense just how haughty the general had become in the years of mercilessly tearing families apart and cutting down any believers just minding their business. Years of capturing infidels who refused to worship that selfish piece of garbage once called his sister. Years of taking proud independent people and tearing them to shreds for her bidding. Despite their numbers, none could stand against Dimitri’s fire.

_ I’m going to be ill. I can’t stand to look at him. _

_ Absolutely abhorrent.  _ ** _DISGUSTING._ ** _ _

_ How is this PIG just standing there with a smirk after all he’s done? _

The pile of soldiers he put out of misery grew behind him as he cut a painful path to his target with no regard for himself or anything around him. So bloody, bruised and filled with a lust for vengeance he came to face Randolph finally. The bodies of those he had cut down screaming while the fires snuffed out the remains of their souls around him while the edge of his cape danced with the idea of catching alight as well. Memories of his suffering came not as images, but feelings. Helplessness. Rage. Sorrow. Fear. He was not seeing them second-hand, but feeling their righteous burn fresh on his skin scalding his core knowing that he had no other choice but to answer their bidding. 

_ Blessed are the flames that have hardened me,  _

_ so I can now use that power to purge this world of filth. _

Dimitri watched as Randolph attempted a pitiful last-ditch attack, his evil face hardening as he realized that every last one of his supports had fallen to their beast and his flames.  _ Good. Suffer as I have suffered. Feel the cries and agony of every innocent layman you cut down and sent to die in pursuit of your noble truth.  _ But at that moment, he noticed that his final strategy was the General rushing their tactician to hit them where it hurts. 

_ HE WILL NOT TOUCH HER. _

** _“PROFESSOR. GET DOWN.” _ **

He barked frantically at Byleth before engaging the Emperor’s dog instead, pushing her to the side while she was otherwise distracted. A tomahawk sailed past where her head formerly stood not a second prior, instead clinking off of Dimitri’s gauntlet. No matter how deep his self-loathing, he would not allow any of his allies to pay for his mistakes and especially not _her._

“You…. the One-eyed Demon is it. You have been quite busy cutting down all of our troops haven’t you?”

“What is it to you?” He glared the man down, a furious focus burning behind his tired eye as the man spoke, unkempt blonde hair stuck awkwardly to his wild face with a mixture of blood and sweat. 

“You bastard! Life is worthless to you, isn’t it?”

_ Funny you should say that considering all your crimes as well. _

“I have family waiting for me! Please, I cannot die here…” he sounded so pathetic, defeated.  _ As if he did not also cut down other families. Is that why he held no remorse for sending me to die as well? Just putting me out of my misery to reunite me with my family, no doubt. A mercy killing? Well… it failed horribly.  _ A sick chuckle rumbled through Dimitri’s chest at his plea.

“Ironic, considering what you have done. Or do you not remember? A beast of your depravity, prattling on about family? How amusing.” 

“As though you could understand… such a thing as love. You heartless monster!”

“Do not attempt to distance yourself from the true nature of your actions. It is because of the Empire I had to resort to destroying my own humanity to survive. You should be proud of your efforts!!”

“What do you- wait. YOU.” He seemed to finally have remembered who the One-eyed monster really was with an embarrassed horror falling across his pale face.  _ YOU are the disgusting monster in human skin. You knew exactly what you were doing. _

“ _ DIMITRI! _ What are you  _ DOING _ ?” Byleth screamed at him, cutting off his bone-chilling verbal beratement of the man before him. She tried to pull him back only for his arm to push her away roughly. 

“Just giving him a taste of his own medicine,  _ dear Professor _ .”

“This is cruel. Stop it.” 

“ _ CRUEL? _ Do you even know the depths of this pig’s wicked deeds? ** _ DO YOU?_ ** ” He screamed at her with a vicious fervor, echoing through the smoldering abandoned streets around them. “How  ** _DARE_ ** you try to tell me what this beast deserves?? He must feel the full effect of the  _ utter despair _ and  ** _PAIN_ ** he has inflicted on others without a second thought! On  ** _ME!_ ** How can you not understand? He… he… ”

“Please!!! Have mercy!!! I did what I had to for the people of the Empire! For my family! This is  _ war! _ ” They were cut off with a plea from the man tied up before them. 

“Yes. I guess this is just human nature, is it not? A sick contradiction, killing for love. Piling up corpses for the people and your family? I am doing the same for the salvation of the dead. Yet my family were all killed by your people’s efforts. There is no blame to be had when we are all at fault, is there not? Hate begets hate; you have simply failed to outrun your own evil deeds.”

Being around his former friends had pulled all the sorrow and defeatism he had been pushing down for years rushing straight to the surface where it currently screamed for release. His own self-loathing bathing every word in bitter contempt for what he had become because of these people. Hurting himself just as much as the delusional man in front of him to attempt to alleviate the weight of guilt. _ _

_ Morality could be broken so easily. Was his love really so pure if it came at the cost of the blood of thousands? Could that really be called caring at all? The dead understood suffering and death; at least they could appreciate the useless sacrifices war necessitated.  _

So he killed for the dead, clearing away the regrets of those who lost their ability to fight; that was his only redemption. With every kill further securing his morbid throne in hell. 

_ My fate was decided for me in Duscur. _

“After all is said and done, we are both murderers. Both stained. Both  _ monsters _ .” 

“Enough! That’s enough!” 

“I won’t kill you right away, fellow monster. Unless you object to watching your friends die  _ one… by… one… _ you can hear them even now, can’t you?  _ You _ led them here only to have them burn to a crisp in slow agonizing pain at your behest. While you fully intended to ignore your atrocities here and go home to pretend you are anything other than an egotistical devil in human skin for such. Perhaps I’m not impressing upon you how serious I am. Maybe I could prolong your suffering to get the message across, starting with your-” He spat each word out, knowing it was not enough to show how truly vile he felt Randolph was; for he was not even aware how deep the betrayal of his own humanity went. 

Byleth quickly came and put the man out of his misery before Dimitri could finish, a furious look of contempt flashing in her eyes while she set her jaw firmly on edge. Her stubborn disappointment was apparent in her chest’s heavy heaving as she squared up the man in front of her, challenging him.

“That is  _ enough _ . I miss the Dimitri I once knew.” 

“That man is  _ LONG GONE _ . If you do not approve of what I have become, then KILL ME. If you are too kind to do that, then I will continue to use you AND your friends until the flesh falls from your bones!”

Byleth swallowed hard, frustration and disappointment clinging to her face. She finally understood. Humanity is a farce. People use each other under the guise of love until it is no longer convenient. There is no honesty left in this cruel world, no true caring. She was just as depraved as he, was using him just the same. Randolph was just as evil as he, throwing away those lives only to fall for naught. EVERYONE, underneath it all, was just as self-serving and fickle and cruel. Dimitri’s foolish, childish ideals had died with his family, being pushed down just long enough to watch them fizzle out with a pop in the tomb before the husk of a man was born here. It made him sick to think he was so blind before, clinging to idealistic virtues like he was ever capable of being anything other than the monster his blood foretold. 

_ I had been a fool for believing otherwise.  _


	28. Chapter 28- Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wanna stay but I won't let you  
Just go away and I'll forget you  
You'll be safe far from me  
So baby run if you care for me

Going back to Fhirdiad seemed like a death sentence. He couldn't allow it. Enbarr was forward. His home meant death, fingers twitching at his side, frantically scratching at nothing to avoid showing how petrified he was. Shadows of the shackles rubbing his skin raw as if the beatings and losing Dedue happened just yesterday, he held his arms close to contain the rage and shaky fear coursing through his veins at the thought.

_ I'm not ready. I can't go back. I'll be killed this time for good. I cant I cant I cant I cant  _

"No. I'm not budging."

"Your people _NEED_ you, your highness"

"YOU MEAN THE PEOPLE WHO IMPRISONED ME AND TRIED TO _KILL ME? THOSE PEOPLE?_ _Pray_ tell WHY would they listen _NOW_, Gilbert. Do _not_ send me on a fool's errand! I cannot die until I **_TAKE HER HEAD_**!"

His world shrunk bit by bit, avoiding bad places bad memories. Always paranoid, always fighting. Can't cope, can't deal, and so he shut it out and shut himself off as he went. Now being faced with his cowardice, the anger grew. How dare they humiliate him like this, expecting him to just immediately care for these people who wished him dead??? They turned on him, the hatred in their eyes during his escape fresh as if it was yesterday. Sweat beading under his neck as he tried hiding how much of a nervous wreck he was, Dimitri steeled himself further and protected as best he could. Heart pounding as he very badly tried to impress the threat he felt on everyone there, and just coming across as a loon. 

_ These people didn't care. I am just a figurehead to them.  _

He barely noticed Byleth's steady hand on his shoulder, but he absolutely noticed every annoyed look and scorn expressed across the allies hoping for him to just drop it already. As if asking for safety was a burden for them. As if making sure their "leader" wasn't an absolute mess didn't even register. Just snap out of if. Just be normal. Surely, Byleth at least felt the shakiness he feebly tried concealing at the conflict. But his stubbornness was his self-defense. Going home was suicide.

_ Don't you dare open up. Don't you **dare.** Hold fast Dimitri. You are so close. **So close.** _

-

Dimitri’s brow furrowed as he threw his frustration at a training dummy late one night the next week, yet nothing would quiet his head. Voices swirled, both dead and living, and none kind. His hair flinging cold droplets of sweat as he furiously pounded at the dummy with each insult screaming to get out. Slash after slash falling on the unrelenting wooden form in front of him doing little to ease the unrest. After Randolph had fallen his despair grew immeasurably, the defeated pain and resignation of hopelessness degrading him even further with no outlet. Everyone had so many demands. Everyone was sick of him.

_ Freak. Monster. Beast. Failure. Disgusting. BOAR. WEIRD. Unsettling. SCARY. Unapproachable. EVIL. BROKEN. WASTE. RUINED. RUINED. RUI- _

“Dimitri.” 

A soothing voice cut through the chatter with brutal finality, breaking his focus with a start to whip around with a glare. There Byleth stood, scratching at her head in confusion looking rather unkempt and tired as she stumbled forward slowly. He willed himself to still the worry at being cornered, not having an escape route he could take without being rude to her.

“Care to spar?” 

Cautiously, his eyes purposefully followed her tiniest movements as she walked over, picking out a sword from the bin and holding it in front of her with a roll of her shoulder and stretch of her neck. He tried not to stare at her pale neck stretched open to the moonlight glow, mind wandering to the last time he had been found like this as well. So long. So long ago. A lifetime away, and here he was anyway, burdened with even more worries hanging over his head like a deathly crown. He did not stop her, silently nodding assent reluctantly and raising the blunt spear to glare over his brow at her. 

Byleth raised her sword straight, letting loud a cry before lunging straight at him. Parried swiftly, she kept on pushing closer to try and break into the best range for swordplay as he tried to keep her at the safe distance spears excelled at. Clinking of wood and metal as they grunted, teeth bared through hissing as both tried to anticipate the others moves before she slowed, backed up a step with a curious look. 

Sensing it, he paused to catch his breath. “What. What are you staring at.” 

She scoffed, stomping over next to him and slowly sliding behind his semi-relaxed form. Dimitri felt her hot breath on his back before her gentle hand pushed his right arm up and back, electricity on his skin at the gentle warm touch against the cold night air. Moving her hands to not shock him, she pushed his hips back as well before retreating back to position in front of him. Again she pressed forward, faking him out to set him off balance before landing a bonk to the back of his neck before switching sides, covering herself and nearly tripping to avoid his low counter before she stumbled back and shook her head. Waiting for him to catch up, Byleth raised her brows with an exasperated sigh as she exaggerated mirroring his movements to tell him to throw his elbow out and shoulder back a second time. Dimitri rolled his eyes, following the instructions with half mockery.

“Your form has degraded. You should know better than this, unless you mean to tell me that I was a horrid mentor.” Her commanding battle voice pulled out to chastise him, with as much levity as she could muster. 

“I simply adapted to stay alive.”

“Sure but… over time. It’ll get you in trouble. Don’t you wish to preserve your skills as long as possible?”

One end of the lance fell to the ground with a soft thud as he shut down. A long pause hung between them before he mumbled again quietly. 

“I don’t think I will live long enough to regret it.” 

No malice. No bitterness. Simple cold resignation as his eyes glazed over, chilling his blood and sobering her frustration immediately. Gripping the wooden handle tighter, Byleth glared, her pastel mussed hair covering the frustration he knew she was failing at hiding. Steeling herself, she threw the sword to the ground and stubbornly stomped over to correct him one more time anyway, ignoring the morbid spiral he tried to set off on. But this time she was too close, pressed up against his form to force him to attention, doing away with gentle touch to make sure he quit wasting her efforts. She grabbed his limp hand, forcing it up and on to grip the spear in the middle before he let it drop and she yet again grabbed it and made him hold steady, forcing one knee from behind to spread his stance against his inner leg, keeping its warmth against him while she propped his elbow up again with a firm grip. He shook, not from exhaustion but nerves this time. Dimitri dared not move when she was in this mood, letting her pose him like a doll with her hand altogether too close on his right hip now to push it back.

_ Too close. _

_ I feel like that stupid overeager boy again. I hate this. I hate this. Why do you hold so much sway over me?_

_If... if you weren't here. If you didn't join my class... I could have ended it by now. I could have let go. Why do you torture me..._

Heavy heartbeat pounding against his chest as she retreated once more, forgetting what he was supposed to be doing as he watched her form as she left, just how he was fond of five years ago. Leering at her unarmored backside like the animal he was, his mind wandered before raising his gaze in a challenge as she faced him. A third time she clears her throat, steading her blade at him before lowering it again.

“Hey now…” 

Shaking her head, Byleth slowly walked over one last time, reaching up to push his elbow out while facing him before he quickly dropped his left hand to swipe her sword away. Pulled off balance, she fell face first into his chest with a muffled squeak. She gritted her teeth as she pushed away from him at realizing she was being toyed with, holding out her hand for him to hand her weapon back. 

“A cheap trick? Is that it?”

“I didn’t expect you to fall for something so simple.” 

Her stance stiffened, shaking the outstretched hand while she waited. Slowly, he lowered his arm while staring straight through her and returned her sword so she could roughly snatch it away. 

“Okay, I see how it is. Why are you holding back? What are you afraid of?” 

Without warning he started back in on her, pushing far into her range with controlled movements that did not echo the intensity he held in battle. He couldn’t explain why either. He just knew that fighting enemies felt different in his body than here. His reverence for the woman before him also seemed to soften him somewhat as well. 

“I’m insulted I gave that impression.” 

She danced around him with a light bounce, playing with the tip of her closer more controlled sword while he was preoccupied trying to figure out her line of questioning instead, nearly doubling over backwards when she pushed through to swipe up at him with full intensity.

“Well then, a better question. What was up with that little stunt last week? Why are you pushing me away?” That inquiry was the tipping point, pushing him on the emotional defensive at being questioned over his irrationality. How could he begin to explain the absolute aching agony of having to face one of the people responsible for his suffering? _ Surely it was all Randolph deserved, being punished like that. Surely… I'm not scared… _

“I’m-” a grunt as he lunged back before spinning his lance overhead, “-_ NOT _.”

“Yes you are. You really think lying to my face would convince me to abandon you?” 

“Stop this! Do you wish to die?? Is that why you pester me so?? Do you ** _not_ ** !” he pushed further, annoyed at her and intensifying his flurry of attacks, wide sweeping blows keeping her guessing and rolling around with no time to recover. “ _ Understand! I am a dead man Byleth! There is _ ** _no_ ** _ future here! I told you as much _ ** _FIVE! YEARS! AGO!”_ **

“I thought you were being-” she was cut off with a bonk to the side of her head before the anger caught up with her as well, finally rushing forward to push into his personal space. She reeled from the blow but kept forward. The lance was a suitable weapon for someone as he who wished to keep everyone at arm’s length, but his Professor would not allow a glaring gap such as that go unnoticed. 

“I _ THOUGHT _ you were being stubborn _ . _ Now I see you’re just a coward.” 

Wordlessly, she continued her pursuit. He kept pace, dropping one arm to sidestep a slash before bringing his full strength down against her sword grip as she cried. Unwilling to admit defeat, however, Byleth continued to deflect his intensifying blows with the hand she had left. 

_ Let me go. LET. ME. GO. I AM NOT SCARED. _

He pushed, further and further, almost to prove to himself as much as her that he was beyond any redemption and thoroughly annoyed that she continued to ignore his warnings. More anger piled on, more clashes and cracks echoed through the dead winter air as he got shakier and shakier. Riskier moves as he kept up his drive, Byleth still nursing her hand at her side while she tried to deflect only the worst blows coming her way with a frustration she had only shown twice before. 

More. 

_ More. _

** _MORE._ **

** _WHY was I so nice to you. WHY did I give you false hope back then??? _ ** _ This is my fault. I'm going to get her killed. _

A blow to her thigh, hard enough to cut skin even with the purposeful dullness of the practice weapon. Still, he pushed, hoping to put to rest her dangerous curiosity once and for all and upset that she still scared him with her fearless prodding. 

_ There is nothing to be gained here. There is nothing to be learned. I am a husk. I’m stained, ruined. You can’t fix this damage! _

“Hey hey! Dimitri! _ Cool it! _ You still haven't answered my question!!” she cried, losing bit by bit with a blunt blow to her ribs, choking the air from her lungs.

“Dimitri is ** _gone_ ** . Dimitri is ** _DEAD_ ** . I _ cannot _ protect you. I cannot be the person you want me to be!!! Stop attempting to _ shackle _ yourself,” a pause with each word of emphasis between heavy breaths, “to a walking ** _CORPSE_ ** . There is ** _NO FUTURE_ ** with me!! I already told you _ I told you years I-I tried to tell you _ !!! My path leads to ** _SUFFERING_ ** and pain!” 

Angry cries as he kept on past the point of rationality, losing himself to the nervous frantic frustration with one definitive strike that shattered her practice sword as he doubled over to push against her chest to toss her to the ground roughly, lance at her neck for the finishing blow. His grip unsteady as he pushed against her delicate skin as he straddled the defeated woman. She swallowed against his hold, pulse ringing in his ears as he realized he had truly frightened her. She had tried to tap out ages ago and he was horrified at how he had let his temper get the best of him before her hot breath hit his face so close by. He refused to break eye contact for a short while before realizing just how beautiful she was when vulnerable like this and how a different context would cast an entirely different light on this current situation. Hands by her head in resignation, her soft chest heaved while her hair painted a soft halo around her beautiful features as a soft glint of sweat put a shine on her exposed flesh. Her pretty little mouth slightly parted, she searched his one tired crazed eye for understanding and found nothing but shame, fear, and reverence instead.

_ You’re disgusting. _

The intensity immediately dissipated from the charged arena as his grip loosened against her pulse, hiding his gaze as he cast the weapon to the side. It would not have done much damage anyway as dull and flimsy as it was. 

“I'm….” a pause. “I’m sorry. I told you I've changed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for anyone who read this before I completely missed what I wished to put at the beginning here thats on me OTL but it's fixed now. It doesn't change too much just provides more context so I hope you all can forgive me.


	29. Chapter 29- Misunderstood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting  
In the calm of desolation  
Wanting to break  
From this circle of confusion
> 
> Sleeping  
In the depths of isolation  
Trying to wake  
From this daydream of illusion

_ Patricia sat rocking gently, facing away from Dimitri in the bright sunset, creaking a wooden chair against the beautiful stonework floor that glowed piercing crimson to mirror the setting sun outside. She waited, unwavering, knitting something in her lap as the small boy approached cautiously.  _

_ "M-mother…?" _

_ Silence. _

_ Click click click of her needles as she continued rocking, finally speaking in a barely perceptible low hum.  _

_ "Dear sweet, stupid Dimitri. Why do you keep trying to fit in?" _

_ "I'm... I’m sorry." _

_ He stepped forward, small feet carrying him towards her like a magnet without a will as his shoulder slumped in shame. _

_ "Sorry won't save you. You should know by now not to trust that woman. You are going to fall if you stay." _

_ He rounded the chair, seeing finally that she was knitting with Lambert's entrails as his horrified head stared at her turned back while she continued rocking. His feet stuck firmly to the floor as he shook, her countenance still perfectly composed as she spoke again sing-song. He looked down to watch thorny branches creep up his form, cementing him in place for the vision that only came occasionally, but one he was very familiar with anyway.  _

_ "If you stay with them you will die a failure, you know that right? Don’t you wish to make us happy?"  _

_ Bright red sky melted outside, reflecting the fire on the shiny floor so intensely his skin burned. Yet he could not run. Patricia turned to face him calm as ever, eye hollowed out and gushing blood all over the mixture of viscera pooled around her. As the vines constricted, his bright red blood seeped from the deep scratches to mix with the pool on the floor. Forever a part of him.  _

_ _

_ "DO YOU WANT TO DIE A FAILURE? STUPID BOY???"  _

_ A voice like nails dragging down his soul as he felt the flames burn ever higher, tiny Dimitri remained stuck firmly in place while he tried to cry for help. Nothing came out. Pure agony in every part of his body, but mostly his neck and head where he got the worst injury in the Tragedy. His arms now held in place with the vines as well, yet the flames would not touch them. They would not let him go so easily. The desiccated remains of his father, her, Glenn, Dedue, all screaming a howl of revenge for him, oozing and crawling in various states of destruction at his frozen legs for release as if they could escape their torment through his fear alone. Their touch ached like a hot stove, too intense to feel the full effects of until his skin bubbled and peeled under their grasp while they tried to drag him under. _

_ "Why did you get out? Why did you forsake us? Why did you leave us to suffer alone while you get to live?? What a TERRIBLE SON!!! What a DISGUSTING WASTE!!!" _

_ "Have you FORGOTTEN??? Your life is OURS. Your vengeance is THEIRS. You cannot escape. You are MINE. BEFORE THE FLAMES BURN YOUR WRETCHED SOUL TO ASHES, YOU WILL FINISH WHAT WE STARTED YOU PIECE OF-" _

-

He woke with a pained scream, sweat sticking to his back as he nearly fell over. He glanced down at his arms, realizing he had been scratching himself while asleep. The left side of his neck continued to ache up his skull, rubbing a shaky hand over the old scar tissue that probably caused his taste to cease functioning and started his headaches in earnest so many years ago. Dimitri was lucky to get out alive, though he could hardly admit it as such. It felt like a burden, a curse. Plagued with the guilt of their deaths hanging over his precious fragile blonde head while he still was so vulnerable, remembering how utterly gone he was in the months after the disaster struck. Plenty of physical attendance, nursing his most critical wound from a Ragnarok strike grazing his head back to almost normal. Nobody could tell if his missing sense of flavor was from trauma or nerve damage, but over time the dull resignation that this would be with him forever started to tragically mirror his lack of hope as well. No sense in trying when nothing ever worked out. No sense in fighting to stay alive if you were constantly miserable. He swallowed hard, shutting his eye tight as he steadied his breathing before gathering his bearings once more. 

_ I must have blanked out after leaving the training grounds last night…  _

A heavy sigh shook through him as he sat up shirtless. His bed was on the floor. Desk demolished. The headboard was broken in half against the back wall, along with some old uniforms that had gotten ripped to shreds. And one other thing; a shattered vase thrown against the stone wall, littering the long-dead flowers strewn in a sad trail to the mess he had made in a fit of frustration. Much like his feelings for her, it was clear she had long moved beyond feeling anything but disgust towards him as he feebly clung to whatever kindness she once held for the unstable monster they all begrudgingly cooperated with. That hope was thoroughly destroyed entirely as of last night, sadly. Shame overtook him as he surveyed the damage from his fit while his chin quivered, hiding his face in his hands and mussing his hair before rolling back over for a few minutes of rest. 

Not much later, however, there was a knock at his door. He prayed it wasn’t her again. 

“Who is it.” he bitterly droned at the closed door.

“Heya it’s me I.. gotta talk to you I promise it’s nothing bad.” 

_ Sylvain. _

He sighed, trying to gather himself as best he could before throwing on a tight black overshirt and tucking it in, not wishing to show more of his gruesome self than he had to. He put the gifted eyepatch he still treasured back on gingerly as well, checking it was not awkwardly placed before cracking the door open and concealing the wreckage behind before slipping out into the hallway. Arms crossed, he glared down at his friend while waiting for whatever was so important. 

“I uh… I’m supposed to pass on a message. We need to meet up in a bit to send a troupe out to scout the area North of Garreg Mach and wanted you to come with us, if you’re able to-”

“A waste of time. What for.” 

He cut the redhead off to his surprise and confusion. Sylvain mussed his hair, trying to keep his cool while being stared down by the tall man that in their academy days was shorter. 

“Aha, we really need to make sure we can safely travel to Ailell to meet up with Rodrigue’s forces, so we are checking that the trade routes are free of Imperial camps.” He paused, giving Dimitri the sincerest look he could muster. “ _ She _ asked that you go. But we are meeting up this afternoon at the stables before heading out. You… you don’t gotta deal with anything we just need manpower in case things go wrong it’s…” Sylvain stopped again, unsure of his footing as he frowned at the floor. “Please give it some thought. Thanks.” Slowly, he trailed off before heading back to his own room next door dejected. 

_ Why would she want me to go anywhere, as unstable as I am? This isn’t getting me any closer to Enbarr I can’t understand… This is just a distraction. I need to go, I need to stop this, why are they stalling, why are they not listening to me?? _

He slept a while longer to abate the headache from last night before begrudgingly trying to make himself look moderately passable for whatever stupid mission she absolutely needed him for. Frustration formed a pit in his stomach, quickly turning to a growling hunger he could no longer ignore. Grabbing food along the way, he passed Felix with a handful of cheese being shoveled in his mouth. 

“What did you do to her, Boar?” 

He sighed heavily, shaking his head and trying to ignore the bait, while the shorter man crossed his arms resolutely and tried to push into Dimitri’s personal bubble, backing him up against the wall behind. 

“I do not know of what you speak.”

“She was clearly upset this morning. I swear on Glenn’s  _ grave _ if you hurt a single hair on her head I will-”

“You’ll  _ WHAT _ , Felix. Mind your business _ . _ ” he spat back at the swordsman before he could finish, pushing roughly past him to cut the line of questioning short. 

_ “Clearly upset”  _

_ ...You made her cry. Her, of all people. Heartless. Why are you still here torturing these people again???  _

\- 

He took a short break to scarf down the cheese and bread he took without question a few minutes prior while Felix’s biting wit cut him to his core again.  _ How was I to know that she would pester me until I snapped?? Why is being around all of you so hard now, I feel so utterly alone and out of place and wrong…  _

His heart ached, not wanting to hear the truth in his friend’s words. He hurt her just by being around. No matter what he did, it was wrong to somebody. Even shrinking himself as much as possible and just bearing the weight of fear in his headaches and isolation wasn’t enough to help him blend in. _ They wouldn’t understand. They can’t understand.  _

A heavy sigh as he slumped against a bench along the way. His appetite was gone again.

_ Why am I trying…  _

Seeing a forlorn orphan stop in her tracks at the sight of him and retreat around a doorframe, he rose to corner the child before handing her his untouched bread and ruffling her soft hair silently and leaving her bewildered. No sense in wasting precious resources when everything was so short due to that monster sucking all the resources for her needless war.  _ It’s not like I deserve any of their rations considering how distant and cruel I am… save it for someone who hasn’t been ruined by bloodshed yet.  _

Quietly stalking along to where he was told to meet up for their departure, he overhead shouting from around the corner instead. He backed off to figure out what the deal was before deciding what to, overhearing Sylvain.

"...I mean shit, I didn’t know you liked it rough, Professor."

"Stop just  ** _stop_ ** , it's _not_ funny. It's nothing I told you.”

Sylvain cleared his throat and responded to her again. “Sorry. That was kind of rude. I just wanna make sure you know what you’re doing. I’m kind of scared, he really doesn’t seem to be like… fully aware on top of… everything else? It’s a lot. All of us are stressed out. And you came back looking upset and Fe jumped to conclusions I guess and-” 

“There’s no way you’re this worried over a stupid bruise. I get more fucked up from the monastery cats than I did last night. If it was from anyone else and you wouldn’t have even noticed it.” An exaggerated sigh from Felix, she cut him off more sternly again. Dimitri had never heard her this impassioned in an argument before. “DON’T try to tell me otherwise. Even before the war, you were too harsh on him, do you  _ really _ think that’s gonna make him more likely to help and trust you by acting like a child?"

Felix curtly interjects. "Don't lie to us. I saw how messed up you were and I  _ know _ it's his fault. I swear to the Gods I will strike him down if he lays a finger on you again." Sylvain sighed loudly and continued. 

"Felix… c'mon. She's a big girl. You can handle yourself right?"

"We were just sparring. I think I said something…"

"Sparring with that  _ animal??  _ No wonder you got fucked up. I told you. I don't care, I'm  _ not _ going if you insist on taking him." 

_ Animal… wait, was she not crying then?? I’m so confused…  _

“Then  _ STAY. _ And keep the attitude with you.” 

Felix burst around the corner in a rage, shoulder checking Dimitri with a huff on his way out not even acknowledging a thing. Slowly the dejected lion slinked around the corner to check on the situation and see if it was safe to see Sylvain holding Byleth close, stroking her hair affectionately and he nearly left before being noticed by Ingrid from the opposite direction and gently ushered along anyway. He didn’t want to process the possibilities in that but his stomach turned, hiding his disappointment in both overhearing and seeing all he just did, pretending nothing was wrong. His chest tightened, knowing he deserved worse for hurting her last night and snapping in a rage and feeling hurt anyway at the outcome.

_ I’m a disappointment. They hate having me around, I... I… why am I still here... _

_ It would just make things worse if I tried to clear it up. Byleth is scared of me. Sylvain was there when I couldn’t be. It was better this way.  _ ** _They don’t understand!!! They couldn’t understand!! I really AM in danger!!_ ** _ It was all I could do to stay alive and finish my goals why… why can’t they understand… they think I’m making this up, don’t they?? How could they not see all the soldiers piled up behind me?? How could they ignore that I have technically been dead?? ALL to tell me that I’m overreacting and a burden... _

_ “They _ ** _ can’t _ ** _ understand you, Dimitri, stop fooling yourself!!!”  _

Everyone bustled around him reading their troupe for the road while he tried not to panic in the corner hiding a safe distance from everyone else. He fisted at his hair, groaning loudly at nothing and not caring who overheard him while pacing like a caged lion waiting for the procession to move out finally. Standing still was too painful. All he could do was stew in his thoughts when he was not mindlessly killing, and his own head was worse than a battlefield. Having to deal with the shame of his own actions was too heavy. 

_ "You are wasting your time here, they don't care!" _

** _YES goddess YES I KNOW I KNOW stop shut up shut up I need them to reach Enbarr please leave me alone please please..._ **

_ “YOU HEARD THEM, THEY’RE SCARED OF YOU BOAR.”  _

_ Maybe I’ll get killed on this mission. Hopefully. I can’t take much more of this stress. _


	30. Chapter 30- Judgment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello again I'm not dropping this please don't worry. I'm sure you know how stressful life has gotten. I have a lot of chapters half finished yet again and got stuck here for quite some time and didn't wish to just push out any old thing.

Their going was leisurely save one pack of bandits easily dispatched, and Dimitri felt the unease of a too quiet and too peaceful trip gnawing at his worries late that night at camp. After he gave up on sulking away from their set-up, Sylvain sat next to him on a felled tree in silence and chewed lazily at what was probably some tasteless soup even for normal taste buds, guessing by his face. They sat quietly for a short while, Dimitri not wanting to talk and Sylvain unsure of even what to say after so long. They had not really spoken since reuniting, but that could be said for most of their companions to be fair. 

Dimitri had been hard to reach on purpose.

His anxiety grew by the second, focusing on the fire’s crackle as Mercie hummed a small tune over mending Ashe’s coat with a soft smile a short distance away. Picking at his fingers through the gloves he wore and scratching at his arms to stop the nervous energy from expending itself in less... acceptable ways. He should have felt at ease amongst formerly trusted friends, but he just felt out of place instead. The dour mood following him like the ghosts everywhere he went, he knew it was hard to talk to him and he could hardly find it in him to care much for pretending to be good company when everything hurt. His body hurt. His eye hurt. His head hurt. His heart hurt. His feet, getting a small break from years of constant solitary marches, allowed themselves to swell and hurt finally. His old wounds ached ever harder, reminding him what happened every time he let down his guard. 

_ You know it’s not safe. You’ve been lied to before. It never ends well.  _ ** _Dimitri. Dimitri. DIMITRI. WHY are you still here. Fool. FOOL. STUPID boy._ **

The clinking of silverware pulled him back from the haze of screams as his friend shifted next to him on the log they both occupied and cleared his throat. 

_ Oh no. Please I beg you… do not question me. _

“Dimitri I…” he paused, not turning to look at the hunched over from next to him. "I have a question. I promise it's not bad!!! It's just been eating at me ever since it happened... ” 

I am not answering your frivolous inquiries.” he mumbled unconvincingly. 

"I just wanted to know what happened that day you disappeared with the Professor. For real." he paused. "No judgment!! I swear!" 

He didn’t answer. The silence grew heavier and heavier. Finally, he sighed and spoke, for why he knew not. 

"I simply comforted her. When you all sent me to bring her food, she started to cry again over losing her father and so I stayed to ensure she wasn’t suffering alone. I ended up passing out from exhaustion and then panicked when I woke and she was fast asleep. I told you as much." 

"Dima that’s…"

"Pathetic." 

"No, I!!! Was...trying. To say… that's really sweet of you. She's always been fond of you so I'm glad you offered to go. I'm sorry my jokes were so harsh I…" he paused. " _ -We. _ Weren't aware of how much stress you were dealing with back then. Let me tell you I've regretted every bit of that ever since they lied about your death. None of us believed it… but we had no power to change things." His somber tone betrayed the redhead’s deep-seated defeatism and nihilistic outlook, much like Dimitri’s own as well.

Dimitri froze. _ An apology? For me??? Why. What do you want from me. _

"You… you really care for her don't you." He felt his chest tighten at the tender statement, steeling himself to not crack. Dimitri raised his heavy head to stare at Byleth's turned back while she sharpened blades barely used that day, a nervous habit he had noticed over the years as her messy bun bounced with each swipe. His gaze softened. He couldn't hurt her, even after all this.

"At one point, yes. But that man is long dead…" 

Mercedes’ sweet voice finally piped up to chastise Sylvain for his prodding, sensing the tension of the current topic. “Now, now Sylvain, we are here on a mission. It won’t do any good to dwell on past mistakes too much and lose our focus…” 

Sylvain silently conceded that he was still in no state of mind to talk, and went back to finishing off his bowl. Dimitri numbed, separating from himself to stop the pain of remembering that day before Ingrid walked briskly by, clearing the air like a fresh winter breeze as she readied her pegasus. The others at camp went about getting horses saddled up. No time to worry any longer before he was pulled forward to continue their duty at Garreg Mach for just a few more days, now assured that the path would be safe for their small precious forces to traverse.

-

  
  


Aillel. 

Valley of Torment. 

Born of the Goddess’ rage, Dimitri felt a bizarre sense of belonging there. This land, it’s people were weighed and found wanting, just as he had. Sothis had judged this place, just as she had done to Dimitri. He knew he deserved nothing less than the pain he had been dealt in life. All the loss. All the suffering. All the anguish. Some grave misdeed in a past life he was paying in ounces of flesh, and now pounds of sweat. They had dragged him begrudgingly along to check the route and clear some bandits, and now drug him out a second time from his self-induced solitude to meet up with House Fraldarius and their men.  _ Perhaps now I can convince them to go to Enbarr after this, with more forces.  _ He stayed still, despite the voices screaming louder and louder that this was doomed. 

_ I am already doomed, who cares. More forces. More help. More ability to go to Enbarr. That is all. _

His reluctance showed in every pore, sweating heavily as they stepped closer to the meeting ground, the flames of the damned breaking down everyone’s resolve bit by bit, but Dimitri welcomed it this time. Normally, he detested the heat. Now, he felt it a fitting punishment. The flames of Duscur pushed closer to the front of his mind, reminding him of his goal. There was a horrid weight hanging in the air beside the flying ash around them all, but luckily his allies had started to get the idea and quit bothering him quite as often, instead defaulting to annoying Byleth with useless semantics. 

House Rowe had foolishly decided to challenge them on these cursed grounds. He had been evading Dimitri’s bloody judgement for long enough, despite all his time spent in the Eastern regions of Faerghus in exile. 

“A perfect time and place to purge the world of more filth, is it not? However, it is not like their sins could be washed away so easily, is it.” 

“Those who cannot face their own sins cannot help but cling to the idea.” Gilbert tried to correct the morbid statement.

Dimitri felt a twinge of guilt at that jab from Gilbert, well knowing that he was attempting to hurt him with it.  _ Fool. Hypocrite. You are just as cowardly as I, yet you speak of facing your sins. How long have you been running from your own?  _

“How kind of them to save us the trouble of killing them later.” 

_ Might as well add more sins to the pile. _

“They sold out the Kingdom, right?” Byleth spoke plainly to him, but his rage was building at being faced with yet another tormenter of his and he was unable to hold back the bitterness seeping in his tone again, even as he felt himself growing numb and anxious with anticipation. 

“It is a waste of breath to exchange words with one such as him.” 

She seemed upset at his answer, but didn’t fight it. A simple nod before they all readied for battle to fight off their pathetic horde, rushing forward with Byleth shortly after, cutting their bloody path to Gwendal. If they could just cut off the leader’s head, the rest of his forces would wither along with it. Dimitri got blind-sighted as they rushed forward, only being saved by the good grace of his Professor to be ready nearby and swoop in to take down the archer before he acquired a grave wound. Byleth again stuck there, covering his blind spot instinctually as she had been tending to do more lately. They worked their way towards the Count’s knight, dodging what they could along the way to end this hell as quickly as possible. He followed her lead, feeling extremely anxious and not wanting to mess up any more than he already was by this point. In tandem, their blades crossed and glowed nearly as bright as the crimson flames flickering all around, burning at their necks and bearing down on their spirits with every passing minute. If he could just focus on her. Focus on her. ** Focus.** Then he wouldn’t get lost inside himself.

Suddenly one hot spire beneath him burst up with flames, barely licking the edge of his form enough to set his cape alight. A scream he could hardly recognize as his own as he immediately became a twelve year old once more, the agonizing burn across his flesh so fresh in his memory. The large, imposing black-clad prince fell backwards in a feeble attempt at escaping, all traces of intimidation immediately dissipated in his panic. He was not aware of anything until Annette rushed over, having hit him with an ice spell to halt the melting of fabric, reaching her hand out. 

“Please, your Highness!!! Let’s end this quickly and get out of here!!” she looked something between horrified and sad, barely registering in his good eye blown wide with fear. She seemed a world away, speaking through an ocean in a foreign language. All he could hear was the screams of his family hot in his ear, their claws boring down his neck till he couldn’t sense what was from the actual heat and what was from his mind. He shook his head free of the visions, taking her tiny hand and Sylvain’s as well to pull himself back on his feet. Shaky but resolute, he roughly exhaled all the negative energy he could and replaced it with red hot rage at having to fight in these conditions. But with the fall, his pathetic attempt at holding the boar back faltered once more.

  
  


“GWENDAL, YOU  _ COWARD! _ DO NOT RUN FROM ME!” he screamed across the precariously placed islands of safe ground, pushing away his well-meaning allies to rush after the man on horseback attempting to back out of the fight. 

** _“DIMITRI!!! NO!!!!” _ ** her voice cracked in desperation behind him, but the Professor was a world away from the cries of Duscur begging for atonement. Too far to comprehend as he pushed forward anyway. Dimitri looked more animal than man at the moment, a scorned lion fiercely running after it’s prey with the fiery intensity of one starved for months. 

Starved of blood. 

Starved of connection. 

Starved of kindness.

Starved of the satisfaction of revenge. 

_ I will have it now. One less wall in the way of your easy rest, dear father... _

The knight made his retreat around a rocky crag before Dimitri realized; he was not retreating. He was setting a trap for a wild beast, and he had caught him. _ I should have known!!  _ ** _HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS_ ** _ ! _ His mind raced, not in any rational position to be making these decisions and having ignored Byleth’s frantic screams of warning anyway. Archers aimed at his head, he would have met his untimely end at long last if not for his beloved Professor’s intervention. She shoved him to the ground, only taking a single arrow amongst a flurry of shots with a pained screech as the rest of their party caught up with the chaos Dimitri had started in his desperation. 

**“B-BYLETH…” **

She pushed him away before he could even reach for her as she shook violently, glaring with an intensity he had never before had focused his way. Immediately, his mind set off on a spiral, convinced that he had killed her. That he had chosen wrong. That he had moved incorrectly. That he was bad, and it was all his fault that she now took a heavy blow for him. That she was going to die because of his negligence.

“You better go kill that bastard  _ RIGHT. NOW. _ ” Her teeth gritted in savage determination, giving him no time for argument as he tried to visually assess the damage to her left side. He did her bidding as much as it pained him, stomping over to the arrogant knight as their allies cut down the weak archers he had planted in waiting around Dimitri. 

“So, you invite the goddess’s wrath then? You are no grey lion, but a  _ SPINELESS _ kitten mewling for praise from that disgusting witch.” 

He spared no time cutting the man down ruthlessly, easy in his laziness and old age. No joy was to be had in this killing. Simply exacting revenge for the harm his dear Professor had taken, and for the harm House Rowe had caused his country to endure supporting that piece of shit Cornelia. As his fresh blood painted the ground, the battle stilled around them. Gilbert spoke of knight's orders. 

“Lord Gwendal was a good man.” 

Dimitri couldn’t contain a disgusted snort. _Now he is just a corpse. Nothing more._ Now that he was able to calm himself down from the chaos of fighting, his body slowly caught up to the adrenaline rush, making the heat all that more unbearable in this hellscape of a battlefield. He was only reminded that Rodrigue was the reason they all met here when everyone beckoned him over, his mental faculties being otherwise occupied earlier with staying alive. But his mind was elsewhere now, looking around to make sure of Byleth’s safety after she took that arrow for him. The guilty pang of nausea twisted in his stomach when he finally found her, hobbling towards the group with an arrow lodged under her shoulder, cradled by Mercedes. 

“I’m okay. It didn’t hit my lung.” It still stung to see her like this, despite the cold facade he had been attempting to keep up he cracked for just a moment at her pain, but that quickly receded just as soon as it came as Rodrigue’s sarcasm cut through the sweltering air. 

“Try to temper your joy, your highness.” 

_ Joy. Byleth was nearly killed by my negligence. We got ambushed despite our safeguards. We have no support. What FUCKING joy should I have. _

“To say such a thing at a time like this. You have not changed one bit.” 

At the very least, he knew that this was the real thing. Nobody else would be as callous to make such a joke in battle other than the true Rodrigue. That settled his paranoia, even if ever so slightly, but he still was on edge considering the last time he had seen the man he tried to kill him for letting his guard down in the family cabin. He couldn’t shake the worry that this would be the time he opened his vulnerability in vain. This would be the time Edelgard would finally win and cut him down while he was defenseless, amongst supposed allies. Even his addled mind knew this line of thinking was useless, and yet he was powerless to stop it even as Rodrigue tried to hold a serious discussion with him.

He spoke of his attempts to help Dimitri and stop Cornelia. But instead of happiness, Dimitri simply felt hurt and defeated as he spoke.  _ It did no good anyway. I was abandoned whether you meant it or not. It is too late to regret not helping me.  _

_ Gilbert did nothing. Useless. Both of you. Shut up and get on with it. _

Again, they tried to force him back to the capital. Again, he reminded them of his goals. He shut it all out, only catching half of what was being discussed.

“Which is more important, Dimitri. The living, or the dead?” 

_ How  _ ** _DARE_ ** _ he. That is not the choice I am making. I am just doing what I have to!!! I HAVE no choice!!!  _ ** _ I RUINED myself, all for their sake. All for them. They didn’t deserve to die then, just as much as I didn’t deserve to live. HOW DARE HE. Telling ME how to cope when he couldn’t even help me!!! AT LEAST THE DEAD DIDN’T LEAVE ME TO PERISH!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT HAS BEEN TO DEGRADE INTO A HOPELESS MONSTER WITH NO POWER TO STOP IT???_ **

His blood boiled immediately, his shoulders tensing with spasms at the misunderstanding Rodrigue foolishly tried to challenge. He squared up, his mind telling him this threat was grave.  _ Perhaps this bastard  _ ** _was_ ** _ a fake. After all, it wouldn’t be the first time!!! The headache he had been nursing for months immediately intensified under the stress. _

**“SILENCE.”**

“No Dimitri. You  _ will _ hear me out.” His voice didn’t raise, yet the prince was too far gone, his anger too hot, too far to hear any measure of reason from Felix’s father. Shaking uncontrollably, his rage only increased the longer the man tried to persuade him. His pursuit of the issue felt like an attack, every word a lash from Cornelia across his back, a slash of a blade against his bare soul. None cared to listen. None cared to understand. He was an embarrassment to them all.  _ Why fucking BOTHER trying to be kind. I’m a selfish disgusting BEAST, no???? _

“Are you asking  _ me _ … asking the dead… to forgive that  _ woman _ ?? How  ** _ARROGANT_ ** **.** ” 

_How dare he. You understand _**_NOTHING. _**_You were not _**_THERE._** **_You couldn’t POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND!!! STOP SPEAKING FOR MY FATHER!!! HE IS HERE WITH ME!! BASTARD!!_**

As Rodrigue tried to soften the blow his confrontation hit with, Dimitri could hardly appreciate the gift of his family’s relic handed down to him at last, despite the hardships taken to get it. He was too upset to hear anything other than the cries of the dead bashing against the cage of his psyche. He bit his tongue till he smelled blood, yanking the spear away and trying to temper his upset. His world, too small to see the bigger picture. His mind, too frazzled to reason correctly. His heart too hardened to be truly vulnerable any longer.

In the upset, he had forgotten Byleth’s injury. Despite his caring, he couldn’t focus on anything other than escaping the situation as quickly as possible. He couldn’t kill his way out of reason. There was nothing noble about this war. There was nothing heroic about dying. His mind went blank, forgetting much of that day.


	31. Chapter 31- Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't know why you love me, I'm a danger to myself~"

He had been drinking. Hard. 

Not a single soul could very well stop the imposing man from procuring what he wanted from their storerooms before retreating to the goddess tower on his own, even if they knew how bad of an idea it was. Dimitri simply couldn't handle the embarrassment any longer and knew he would end up worse the next day if he did not cut the feelings somehow. He could barely hear over his own crashing thoughts, their shameful comments lamenting what a pathetic creature their proud prince had degraded into after seeing his little outburst when Rodrigue had pushed him too far. Fear was easier than pity to store away but everyone carried a confusing mixture of both even as he did his best to avoid the crushing gazes of the curious. Now that the Shield of Fraldarius was back as well… things had only gotten worse. He did not expect to feel so conflicted after hearing what the man had to say, and was still only half certain he was even alive anyway. 

_ “Who is more important, the living or the dead?”  _

_ What sort of question is that. It is not a matter of importance, but justice. I can’t move forward if they are stuck suffering!! I can’t live with their regret hanging over me! I can’t think with their agony screaming back at me **every move!** Everything in this world is unfair, it’s all I can do to right this **ONE** wrong before I am purged to nothing.  _

_ If I can fix one thing.  _

** _One thing._ **

_ I can die proud. _

_ I was not meant for this existence. I don’t  _ ** _belong_ ** _ . It is too late for me, so the least I can do is let Father rest. Save him from the flames of purgatory. He loved me. I have to. _

_ Besides. They can’t hurt me any longer. Rodrigue came back from the dead, and… immediately hurt me again.  _

_ If he was alive this entire time… what else have I been wrong about? Has my entire foundation over these five years been a lie? No.  _

** _No._ ** _ _

** _I cannot handle that line of thought. It would destroy me._ **

He banished those thoughts with another swig as quickly as he could, grimacing against the bite. He could never consistently find high-quality booze on the run, so despite the short-lived comfort it provided he never got enough in hand to develop a tolerance. A small comfort at least, being able to numb his brain quickly. Cut the pain just a little bit, just to get through today. Solace was only found alone distracting as best he could from his worries, but that solitude too was soon broken. Hearing tiny footsteps up the tower curve, he knew exactly who laid them, for they had come in the same manner as before. 

Dimitri did not turn to face her, his ghoulishly slim frame clad in scaled black armor illuminated by the pale night sky, reflecting off each facet in both a beautiful and somber display. As he steadied himself against the open window frame to not stumble, he downed another shot out of spite. He had refused to undress since returning from Ailell. He had refused food. He had refused company till now, with a very insistent roar. He refused to quit drinking, despite her insistence as he bitterly downed more. She was probably disgusted with him by now. 

"Dimitri…."

"So you, too, come with pity." A low growl. He should have known better. "I don't wish you t' see this." 

But she refused to budge, instead stepping ever closer to his limits without knowing. Small feet carried her slowly forward to the hunched form as she tried to pick the correct things to say. There was no right thing to say in his current state.

"You've... You’ve got to stop this. It’s gone on long enough, Dimitri. This path leads to death and I think you know that." 

He remained unmoved. Her fists clenched, brow furrowed as she spoke to the ground slowly and softly. 

“-And I know you don’t care right now. But  _ we _ all do. We will continue to care u-until you can.”

The man turned, straightening as shoulders tensed and he forced her back with a gaze that was normally reserved for those who ended up dead, one step for every two of hers backward before slamming a fist above her head into the pillar she had backed up against, crumbs of stone tinkling onto her shoulder armor as he steadied himself to glare with the intensity of ten thousand angry wasps, it’s ferocity only dulled with the buzz of inhibition floating over him. A man of his strength being upset was a fearsome sight, but especially made worse by the unpredictability of alcohol influencing it.

"Wha makesssyou think I givea  ** _FUCK_ ** about them."

He spat the words at Byleth. Silence. But her face betrayed her despite the stony exterior she attempted. He hardly ever swore, so the surprise showed in her fast blinking.

Heady breaths as he loomed over her unsteadily, and for the first time a new expression dawned across her face. Flash in the pan, unease, fear, excitement. He could not tell for his current state of bad judgment and numbed senses. She seemed so fragile in that moment; a sharp contrast to the image in his head of his precious capable professor of old. It passed over him in a hot wave, just how much things had changed in that tiny window of vulnerability Byleth had shown. Things really had changed between them in these years; things he could never take back, could never fix or undo or make right. He had grown taller, broader. She had grown tired, more emotional, more gentle. His shaky fist balled against the chilly wall he had backed her against and against his better judgment pushed the issue. Deadpan voice, flat in the still air as he steeled himself to continue on and brace for disappointment. 

"Why're you bothering me."

"I am worried. Everyone, really. Please. What will it take? What would allow you let go? I swear, Dimitri, I will do anything.  _ Anything." _ Brow furrowed, she drilled right into his thoughts. A dangerous place to be sitting right at the moment, because his clouded judgment was screaming at him to either choke her, consume her, jump from the tower and hope his stupid crest would allow it to end, run.  _ Anything _ to get her to stop staring at him with those kind eyes from far too close.  _ Far, FAR too close _ . Even in his numb stupor, he could feel her soft breaths washing over his hot face. His gaze lost all intensity, falling quickly as the mood immediately changed.

"You don't mean that." 

Barely a whisper. 

_ She just wanted him to be normal. Act like everyone else. Stop being a nuisance. Normal. Put the princely front he had long abandoned back up. Play nice. Pretend for them.  _

_ What is normal.  _

Gingerly, his former teacher reached up to graze gently at his cheek. He was too drunk to stop her. He was too drunk to make any decision really. So why now? It was true the voices were quietest at this point, but he was hardly able to remember much after nights like this, much less see the turn of judgment that had long since led him astray enough to fix things. This night was for numbing.

_ You've been using them. Now she wishes to use you.  _

Misreading her care for other things, he clumsily ran his large hand over her exposed stomach. Cold to the touch in the still night air. A gasp from her, confusion, and then her countenance blanked again.

_ "Are you really going to satiate your needs with her? She will hate you." _

_ Good. Maybe I want that. _

Every time he thought he got through to her she backed up again, but what sort of hypocrite would he be to not admit that he was the exact same? Before he had time to regret it, his hold moved upwards and grazed over her unarmored chest. They had been making use of his body in battle so clearly there was no other reason here for her to be visiting him? Inconceivable that his beloved teacher would want to pull back the emotional kindness he had killed long ago. Despite her words, she couldn’t have meant them. She just wanted his body regardless of how lost his mind was. At the sudden contact, her cute mouth barely parted with a small gasp and he felt himself stir below despite feeling no emotional response. Almost as if it was an automatic reaction now, to feel arousal despite not truly wanting it.

_ Curious. _

His gaze lingered, roaming over her like he was woozily surveying a meal and not the person he claimed to cherish most, though he could not admit as much to himself. As his blurry eyes wandered, they focused on her bandaged shoulder. A pang of guilt; the cause of her injury was his foolishness and reckless bloodlust. He couldn’t even find it in himself to go see her in the infirmary after causing her such pain. _Coward._ He sneered in disgust at himself as his hand hovered over the area, lids heavy as he steeled himself to stay put with his unspoken question stuck in his cotton mouth. Despite it all, he still found comfort around her even at his worst. As if sensing his hesitation, her large kind eyes raised and spoke. 

“It’s okay Dimitri. It’s healing fine. Please don’t blame yourself for this... I chose to take that.” 

“Byl…” 

He paused, feeling dizzy with the alcohol, forcing his dry eye shut for a few seconds and steadying himself by gripping her waist. She studied his face, staring at him while he waited for the spell to pass. Slightly shaky, but eventually feeling it fade with renewed dullness once more. 

“I'm gonna getchu killed.” he spoke despite how stupid it was. 

“Did… didja know I defiled your things 'fore you came back.” she simply looked confused at that.

_ What are you SAYING?? _

“Didja know I threatn... people to stay away frmyou.” 

_ Dimitri that is a lie and you know it. _

“Do you n-n-not understand… if you hadn’t chosen my class you'd be happy. Whydja choose  _ my _ class?  _ WHY???” _ heavy agony seeped in every word as he continued. 

“Because I care. _Deeply_.” 

“You  _ couldn’ta _ cared when. you chose th' Blions…. y-didn’t  _ know _ . Didn’t know whatta  _ fucking WRECK _ I'mm… that I would take s'all down this dark path… I’m not safe t' be round...” On the verge of tears, his voice seemed so small, so broken as he wobbled like a broken top. 

“You… you can still leave. I….” he closed his heavy eyes once more, his hand still holding her for stability. “I won’t fight you if you tell me to go.” 

“I _need_ you here.” 

“You…?”  _ Need me…? But why? I am a broken man..  _ ** _An animal._ ** _ I hold **no use** past slaughter. **A wretched disgusting ruined disfigured BEAST**. What could you possibly… _

And as he sat there mulling over her words, she tried again to reach out to him. Her small hand on his cheek apparently brushed away a tear he had not noticed in his drunken stupor. Her hand stayed, rubbing small circles on his under-eye bag. Judgment dulled, he kept jumping from conclusion to conclusion trying to figure out what their army could truly want. He would do _anything_ she asked, even now.

** _Kindness?_ ** _ No. That was a clever lie back then, Felix said as much. I am too broken to ever really care. _

** _Battle expertise?_ ** _ They all seemed just fine with using him for that and didn’t need to fix his suffering to that end. _

** _Leadership?_ ** _ Well. That wasn’t happening. I’m too insane to even hold a proper conversation, much less make coherent decisions. _

_ But... Her hand is on you. Maybe she is the one who desires something… _

** _Insurance in case you get killed to not lose the family line entirely?_ **

Confused, he tested that theory out tentatively. It’s not like he cared for what was done to his body. It’s not like he had any right to care. He was just a tool to be used, just like they had been using him for years. Just like he had given his family for so long, and his country before that. He was never allowed his own ambitions, his own wants. His own needs. He was a crowned prince first, a person second. Your highness this, your highness that. Always shut down, controlled, pushed into whatever decisions best-suited others needs. So he again tried that here, clumsily rubbing his hand around the front of her stomach again while he tried to meet her gaze, hoping he had chosen the right answer. She didn’t stop him, so he continued. His gloved hand gently touched her exposed navel as she sucked in a breath of air. Again, nothing more. He continued further south, fumbling with his actions until he flat palmed the apex of her legs with a sudden jump from her. Finally pulling some reaction from her, she shut her eyes. 

"Is… is this what you.."

Her hand gingerly grazed over his own between her legs and he zoned out again, frozen in place. 

_ Just give her what she wants and she will leave you alone. What other use for an animal is there besides killing and eating and mating?  _

Only half-aware as his brain fogged over further, one digit separated from the flat palm to rub over her skin further before she flinched away from the touch. Vision narrowing, he saw her mouth move, but nothing came forth. The ringing in his ears mixed with the heart-pounding as he felt shame wash over his body for stiffening at her. He didn't even feel like he could enjoy this, but why else would she have come here? Naught but a rabid dog obeying his master. 

** _Disgusting boar._ **

Before anything else could happen, however, her nails dug deeper into the flesh on the back of his palm, deeper, deeper until he was dragged back to the surface with a start at the sharp sensation. Finally, her words formed language his addled brain could comprehend with the gentlest tone.

"-please come back, not like this. Dimitri. Hey. It’s okay." 

Dimitri jumped, choking as he ripped his hand away quickly, more embarrassment falling over his clumsy steps as he turned away quickly to avoid her ire. 

He had gravely misstepped. She would be right to punish him for doing so, but he risked a glance back to see a solitary tear rolling down her cheek with pity in her eyes. Cut like a knife to his hardened heart, it choked the life out of whatever fear he was going to use to defend himself with. Instead, he just stood there mouth agape as everything threatened to crash down around him yet again. This was worse than her staying dead. 

Dimitri forgot the bottle he had fought so hard to get to run like a coward from her, leaving Byleth confused and hurt. He kept a wide berth from her from then on, more afraid of her than himself. Or more, what she did to him. He must have purposefully misread her words to use her.  ** _Beast._ ** The shame of his mistake keeping him as far as possible to make sure he didn't make the wrong move, devour her, destroy her. Unpredictable and chaotic, his impulses crashed against the flimsy defense in his mind, having been degraded by years of never having to temper himself in any measure. He was petrified of himself near her, and pushing her away did nothing. She would not heed it, trying again and again to seek him out. He could not tell what her aim was, as unreadable as ever her clear jade eyes; he was sure he saw fear in her at the training grounds, pity at him rejecting her offers of food, frustration at his inability to open up even an inch, and disgust at his actions in the goddess tower.

Byleth’s visit that night pushed whatever tiny vulnerability he had shown that much further down.  ** _Selfish BOAR. Of course the first answer a disgusting ANIMAL like you reaches for is lecherous. _ **

Every time he rebuffed her and fled in embarrassment, that red hot need of so many years ago returned with a frightening ferocity. Had it ever left? Perhaps it had morphed into something twisted, a worse version than before. He knew he would consume her entirely if she gave him an inch, and he would be powerless to stop it. Perhaps that's what she wanted after all. He knew his body desired it but did his mind even know what he wanted, nay needed. Was he in any state of mind to decide that?  _ Am I just filling a void with desperation yet again, hoping to distract myself from the gaping hole in my chest with dreams I can never touch?  _ Biting and scratching at his core, her presence soothed him but even then… it was a scared, anxious, possessive need. Like he wanted so badly to make sure she would be safe no matter what, but also knowing that he could never provide that without killing her enemies. 

He was gone, she fell for a farce. Promising things his fucked up brain couldn't make good on. And he called himself honest. His foolish words of so long ago mocking him yet again. 

_ I still will kill anyone you ask. No matter what. But that doesn't mean I can hold you in the way you deserve. Doesn't mean I will last long enough to be of any use. I cannot accept myself in any measure, how could I expect her to? _

Every step forward felt like he was falling through the floor instead, the wrong direction leaving him more stuck than before. Every breath leaving his aching lungs ever tighter, thorns of the spirit wrapping their brambles closer with every movement, constricting his thoughts and actions till his frenzied state was left even worse than before coming to the monastery again. The voices grew ever louder, but he could not place them. His father's face continued to fade, but the scorn and disgust and rage raked its pained claws down his soul every time he hoped for a way out.

_ Don't forget.  _ ** _Monster._ **

_ Hope abandoned you in Duscur. _


	32. Chapter 32- Crumbled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm struggling. Thank you for the support this whole time, truly.

Dedue was back….

He was back. Somehow.

_ “HOW????” _

The rotten morbidity and defeatism that had kept his injured heart beating in solitude now punished him for his impudence. He was alive. Standing there next to their allies on the bridge, like nothing was ever wrong. Like he went out for a nice stroll and returned without incident. _ How? HOW? _ If not for Byleth’s steady slap across his back he would have frozen right there on the bridge and died. 

** _How could I be so wrong? I saw it I SAW it!!! HE FELL..._ **

All the pain and bitterness that kept him alive was now constricting him like a vice grip, holding his throat tight with even more guilt. It was too much to ignore any longer. Myrrdin was supposed to be their ticket into the Empire._ Claude never showed. Of course not. Who would side with a monster like me… _

"I'm glad you are well, Your Highness." 

_ Well. _

The title curdled his stomach. It didn’t seem real. Staring back at his friend like he was an alien instead of a trusted companion, confusion and horror twisting Dimitris features as he stood a rigid statue. He asked how knowing that any answer would prove insufficient and not expecting anything either way. The world was falling apart at the seams. And with Dedue’s return, all the aching worries he had been hiding like a raw wound started to burn instead. The lingering, gnawing sense that he was wrong. That everything was wrong. He had not been well for some time. A gaping hole in his soul, stolen before he was even aware it was missing. That hole now preventing him from accepting any kindness, suspiciously shaped like a grave. 

_ Or had I ever been? Was the tomb just popping the top off of what was already rotten from the inside? Was I always like this? Is this just who I am… since I was wrong? No. _

** _NO. _ **

** _It's their fault. Edelgard. Arundel. Cornelia._ **

Dimitri's flimsy castle of cards was falling fast, and every brick stolen meant the bone-chilling winds of truth touched at his painful overexposed nerves. That only served to push him further back in the feeble hope that he could cling just a little longer to the delusions that kept his weak heart alive. Trapped under the weight of his own misunderstandings and paranoia, years of holding on to the weight of those he had killed as motivation to keep going. _What else do I live for now???_ _They kept me alive. So what if it's fake SO WHAT???? _**_SO WHAT _**_if Byleth breathes??? So what if Rodrigue is not a monster?? So what if Dedue still lives??? _**_THEY WEREN'T THERE WHEN I NEEDED THEM. _**

**“OUT OF MY WAY!!!’ **his frantic bloodcurdling command rang across the stone walls, a desperate plea from a desperate man as he cut down man after man. 

So he pushed ahead, ignoring Byleth’s pleading commands as she scrambled to cover his reckless behavior. This would have been an easy coup, taking down Edelgard’s dogs if not for this little _ interruption… _ He pushed forward, shaky and uncertain, quickly dispatching grunts, destroying with no impunity for the disgusting crime of siding with the person responsible for all his suffering. There is no time for second-guessing, feeling the rush in his veins from killing doing little to dull the ache in his chest this time. No matter how many he sliced and piled behind him, he only grew more anxious and upset. Sickened by his own actions and not knowing any other answer he pushed on, sweaty and hurt. A cornered beast indeed, his psyche challenged at every turn. His paranoid misinterpretations plucked away while those around couldn't see why that was dangerous. ** _Why???_ **

So when that cornered human beast cornered another _ actual _demonic beast, it did not go well. The prince’s wits were not about him frantic as he was, ruthlessly slashing at the doomed bastard while it just got progressively more pissed off. He had only barely managed to cut one corner of its shield down on his own before it decided it had had enough of this puny black-clad man-demon and ruthlessly flung Dimitri against the wall with a cry. Sharp pain dragging a pained yelp from him as he thudded to the ground like a ragdoll. His allies ran up to him despite the danger it put them in. He was angry at their impudence. Time and time again he told them to stop saving him... 

With the last of his energy, he lay limp and screamed as his voice broke despite the agony it caused him. The rabid cry of a mutilated animal being toyed with by its captor, he barely seemed human, crumpled over in the crumbled remains of a stone wall much like the pile of corpses behind him. Screaming in desperation, none could tell if it was for the living or dead.

** _"STOP HELPING ME!! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME GO!!!"_ **

Coughing up blood, he blacked out from the pain, useless to finish his own battle in the end. 

-

He stirred with a pained groan, opening his sore eye as he laid in what should have been a familiar place. Blurry vision for a good minute, he finally focused on two figures near him. Byleth it seemed had passed out the foot of his cot in the infirmary, seafoam hair spilling over her folded arms. And Dedue.

He was still there, still real, still breathing, a gentle smile across his handsome and now scarred features. A single tear fell from Dimitri’s good eye as he swallowed, trying to speak with his dry mouth coming up empty with croaks. His friend spoke instead, knowing the question on his dry lips.

“You remember the men with me who helped you escape?” 

Of course… he should have had faith that they wouldn’t just leave his trusted ally for dead. He should have waited, not kept running. He should have had faith that someone was looking, that Byleth was just missing or injured. 

Dimitri should have done many things... if we were a sane man. The guilt of immediately assuming the worst crashed down on him, trying to apologize and coming up empty. 

“Your maj-” Dedue paused. "_Friend_. You did the best you could under the circumstance. As did I.” 

"I do not deserve that title. Stop wasting your breath on me." 

The prince shifted, turning his face despite the sharp pain that spread across his side at that. 

“When you were cast against that fortress wall you broke a rib, but with Manuela and Mercedes nearby, you were lucky. You will be out of commission for this month. Be grateful your strong constitution spared you more damage than most would have sustained.” 

It was difficult to feel much appreciation when he had been begging them for months to stop wasting their energy on a lost cause, but it was at odds with his need to keep others happy. This seemed to happen more often these days. Misunderstandings as he desperately tried to read everyone’s mind, coming up empty. It felt like he was simply evading his fate, resurrecting a carcass to dance for their amusement. His entire life had been a cruel joke it seemed. He had felt dead for many years now, too far gone to be worth the care and love they were foolishly squandering keeping him breathing when his heart was long rotted and fallen from the tree. 

_ Wasted effort. _

“Why did you help me? Why did you come back after all I’ve done?”

“Because we care.”

Dimitri’s confusion returned again. 

_ Care? For me? _

"You must be stupid to stay despite how horrid I am. Do you really not value yourself more??? Why me?? ** _Answer me!!! Why???"_ **

Byleth stirred from the foot of the bed slowly at his shouting, still adorable as he painfully propped himself on an elbow to see her better. She lit up immediately at seeing him stare back at her despite being woken by his outburst, her face gentle and hopeful. A perfect echo of that soft smile after their mock battle so many years ago. He felt sick knowing she was throwing her love away for a monster.

_ Undeserved then, laughably wasteful now. _

“Dimitri!” A sigh of relief from her. 

He apologized. He knew not what for. He hated seeing all the trouble they had gone through at his reckless actions. His scowl returned, realizing his eyepatch was missing somewhere and wincing as he clamped a hand over the area, covering more tears at the unbearable shame.

“I-” he cleared his throat, finally able to speak somewhat as he turned his head away from her gentle worry. “- I’m sorry. I told you all that following me is a fool’s errand. Do you not understand…” 

-

Dimitri stalked him, much a reversal of their previous time at the academy. Never too close, out of fear if he touched him the illusion would disappear. He had begun to forget his mannerisms. His gentle speech. Just like the other spirits haunting his every move faded at the edges and muffled. Dimitri dreaded seeing them constantly, but even worse dreaded forgetting. Every time he stepped near his old friend, his missing eye would ache. The voices slowly stopped over the next month, replaced instead with a bitter emptiness. They would be gone forever once he lost that.

Dedue continued to pressure him, speaking of wanting to see his goals to fruition, asking if he was eating, sleeping. 

_ I have no goals but her head. I have no needs. Stop. _

All he could do was scream that his pity was unwelcome and avoid his friend out of shame. 

Never in his life had he felt so eternally exhausted. Despite having a safe place to rest for months now, he shied away from all positive contact. Despite all his fears being proven false, he still clung to them out of the fear that nothing of himself would be left in their absence. Somehow, the unbearable pressure of their collective judgment and appraisal of him sucked Dimitri dry, leaving him an overextended husk. He couldn't calm down. Couldn’t eat around others. Couldn’t talk. Couldn’t exercise with a busted rib. Couldn’t kill with being banned from fighting. Couldn’t sleep. Byleth had everyone making sure he followed her stern command to rest. Every movement he made was scrutinized, and now the voices that once drowned them out were gone entirely. People expecting things from you was such a heavy burden, one he had forgotten the fullness of over the years only now to come crashing fully into him. The expectations of a prince, now heavily thrown over his shoulders immediately after they had left him for dead. _ I didn't have time to be a prince. I was busy surviving. _ Every sideways glance, every person who skirted out of his path, every disgusted snarl just made him want to scream. And now his world was falling apart more. 

_ This is more unbearable than being alone… when can I leave, father? They don't understand. They can't understand. None of them would listen anyway. I'm broken. _

His thin veneer of princely propriety now rotted away, peeling back at the edges to show the churning, bubbling rage. That had now faded to a heavy wailing, pathetic and heartbreaking to witness. The intensity ebbed away, taking the anger and replacing it with a dull sense of dread that he wouldn’t get to enact his only goal. The only thing that moved him forward. That he would get to her and as Felix had warned him, lose his resolve to actually kill his step-sister entirely. Dimitri stood blankly every day in the Cathedral, remembering little. Staring at nothing, like his brain had stopped entirely, floating somewhere else to protect what little was left of his pride. Feeling nothing, hearing nothing. He wasn’t entirely sure what time even was any longer, praying for an end while he shambled around paralyzed by doubt. 

_This is exactly why I hid those feelings. Why I had hoped they would go away, but….._ _I guess this monster is who I truly am. Goddess help me, give me your pity just this once… _

He imploded under the pressure. The negative energy welling up inside him had nowhere to go. Of course, it was always bound to cave in on itself at some point. He just didn’t expect this would be the way his resolve would fizzle out and die pathetically. He continued murmuring to himself about his plans, reminding himself that it was almost over. Speaking to the rubble when his father abandoned him. They would meet at Gronder once more.

_ "I'm glad you are well.".... _

_ Why do they keep saying that. _

_ Just because my heart beats doesn't mean I haven't been dead for years now. Truthfully my spirit withered and died long before Duscur… I think I've always been this broken. A doomed man waiting for his chance at vengeance. I am not afforded the kindness to be well by the cruel goddess. I had always been fighting on borrowed time ever since that day, and I think my number is up. _


	33. Chapter 33- Banished

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gronder had to be split. Shoulda seen this coming OTL

The hollow pit in his chest could never be filled, could it? Every time he lifted a single finger to hope for more, it was slapped away roughly. That life was not for you; you can't fix what was broken from the start. There was no salvation coming for this bastard, no safe haven. Begging for reprieve and knowing the universe would not grant it, it was all he could do to trudge through the days in a dark haze with the dead look in his eye growing ever deeper as the gravity of his insanity began to hit. Antsy, impatient, fearful he sat in the pews day in and day out praying to his family. Father was losing his permanence. Patricia had no face. His friends had no discernable voices any longer, mutated into an inhuman death drone chastising him for his laziness and indecision.

_ Get her. _

_ Finish it. _

_ DIMITRI. _

_ YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG. _

_ IS THIS A JOKE TO YOU??? _

_ LEAVE. LEAVE THEM. _

_ IT IS CLEAR YOU WILL NOT OBTAIN OUR REVENGE BY THEIR SIDE- _

That narrative brutally cut short, catching whispers of something from around the cathedral wall. Something big. Maybe Gronder, like they had mentioned.

He hoped it was enough to kill him. 

Listening in closer to Byleth so near from around the pillar, she tried to conceal the nature of her words in vain. The second he heard _ "No he can't come. I know that would be the end." _his frustration returned furiously. Belittled, dehumanized, discarded. Why did they even bother with him, believing him too idiotic and blind to make any decisions? He was running on fumes, the last bits of his sanity fueled only by obligation and bitter stubborn resolve. He stayed, listening just a bit longer. Her voice faltered. Why would she mourn a disgusting bastard as he getting what he finally deserved?

"Because. Because I _ know _ I can't stop him. I can't lose him please I-" and he heard no more.

_ Stupid girl. These echoing halls are not meant for keeping secrets if a blind boar as I can catch on. _

He walked around the corner, resolute, hunched over and dead to the world. Seteth and Felix spoke to her, both of them avoiding anything more than a pitied glance at Dimitri. Felix stiffened, hand at his hip.

"Why do you speak as if I am a mindless animal. Beast or not, I still understand you." 

Byleth scrunched her face up, turning from him and clenching her fists. 

"I swear to _ SOTHIS _ Dimitri…." she was shaking as her voice broke fervently, crossing her arms and turning back to him as Seteth's arm flew to hold her back from running. He raised his voice a bit more, convincing himself along with her.

"Why does fulfilling my sole purpose cause so much worry for you? I am made for nothing more than killing." 

Felix scoffed. “I warned you before not to lose your resolve when it matters. What will it take to reign you in, ** _boar?” _ **

He boomed back at his friend immediately, continuously upset at his prodding as he crossed his arms to keep from lunging at him. ** _"SHUT UP! IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO PEER INTO THE DEPTHS OF DESPAIR, then mind your business. You know NOTHING." _ **

All three of them flinched away from the spite in his words, echoing around the empty hall like a demonic death cry as everything stilled before Byleth's face finally rose to meet him again.

"Why will you not let us help you??" she sounded beyond distraught. His heart broke, eyelid twitching as he tried to steel himself. Convincing them that he had the resolve to finish this was becoming harder and harder. Hurting them to finish his goal seemed more of a pained waste each day that passed, but he had come too far for regrets. His dry, cracked lips parted to speak, choked by guilt instead. His heavy head dropped, blonde bangs falling over his gloomy countenance once more as he piled more mistakes onto his funeral pile with a grimace.

"I-" he paused, faltering. "I am just doing what has to be done. I don't have a choice." 

Lying to himself was proving hard to justify. Any other man would have given up the act ages ago, but that act had kept him alive. What other options were there? His bleeding heart only continued to beat out of spite. He knew it hurt them, but letting go was a death sentence.

-

Byleth appeared again later that night as she always did; to pray for forgiveness. Dedue had retired his watch over him for the night, leaving them alone. Silent save a few hushed whispers as she crumpled over herself, clenching her knees tight to her chest and hiding her face. To pray for him to come back to the land of the living, in vain. He watched her for a time, keeping his distance. Dimitri could not acknowledge her, not after all he did. Her gaze crushed him, hearing the voices ever louder at his embarrassment every time she raised her head to check on him. Disgusted with himself, seeing naught but his failures in her gaze as he was taunted from all sides. He wanted to puke, being faced with all the ill-fated actions he scarcely remembered. Rutting pathetically into her things. Assuming her wrongful intent drunk. Getting aroused at her fear. Breaking his rib avoiding the pain of humiliation. Pretending like he was ever capable of controlling his disgusting impulses enough to actually torture. Getting her gravely injured with his impudence. His family joined in the taunting. It was less punishment than he deserved to be crushed under the heartbreaking gaze of a woman who deserved far more than his world of troubles.

Rising from the pews to leave for the night, his dead eye barely noted her heels clicking across the empty hall. He had fallen back into the self-loathing once more as their voices taunted him, holding back tears till she startled him. 

"What do you want..." 

Byleth backed up a step but didn't falter any further. She paused a moment before continuing, pulling closer to him and lowering her voice.

"I'm so sorry you had to see that earlier…"

He quivered in front of the small woman, praying for forgiveness for sins neither of them could stop in this broken holy place.

"You know, you could hurt me and I wouldn't stop you. A demon is not injured by the truth." Piling more lies on, his defeatism screaming for release as he was close enough to cracking that he could no longer suppress it. His voice faltered again as he clenched his fists around his shaky frame slim with malnourishment. "Kill me if you wish me to not be a liability any longer, Professor." 

He turned his back, hunching over again as she tried to tug on his cape. 

"Dimitri please, stop I. I wasn't hiding it from you because of…" and she choked up. He paused, curious, looking back to see why Byleth had hesitated. 

_ Pity. It was pity. _

"I wished to save you this pain many years ago. After Remire, telling you of my true nature. I-" he started, retracting his thought before continuing. He was not brave enough to take that step, as badly as he wished for help, his tone breaking once more into the hollow defeatism that had coated everything since war was declared five years ago. Again he asked her, putting her on the defensive to hide from his vulnerability. 

"Spit it out." 

Biting her lip, she pulled him close again. He let her, stiff and scared. 

"Promise me." 

He stayed silent.

"I'll tell you. Just _promise me _… you. Won't do anything reckless."

"This demon inside me does not listen to reason."

She paused, far far too long, debating telling him despite his stubborn insistence. It was not her fault she did not understand; this thing controlled _him_. Why else would he be completely terrified of himself, especially with how much she had tempted his patience over these past few months. He hoped whatever she told him would make the decision for him. He remained, defeated as his eyes glazed over to numb the pain of letting her down, only coming alight when _ her _ name fell from the Professor’s lips. 

**Edelgard. **

** _She_ ** would be there. 

I _ knew _ I heard right earlier. _ I KNEW IT. _

“It’s almost over…_ her head is mine. _ ** _FINALLY_ ** _ … I will have my vengeance at long last.” _His dehydrated voice cracked with cold brutality at the mere mention of ending his suffering. Frantic and crazed, his self-control was gone entirely. The momentary hesitation he considered was forgotten.

_ No more SUFFERING your pitiful gaze. No more licking my wounds waiting for my chance. _

He wasn’t even aware any longer of what he was saying out loud and what was to his family, but it mattered little. In either case, his delusions were kinder than reality. He stomped away, fire in his veins as she called out to him. 

** _"PROMISE ME. DIMITRI."_ **

"I do not make promises I cannot keep, Professor." 

-

_ I will still kill for you. I cannot love you in the way you need, but I will keep that promise at least. My family needs blood too...I can… I can satiate their needs as well… _

_ Feed the beast for another day until I fall. Perhaps today. _

_ I wouldn't mind dying today, just as long as I finish what she started. _

So his death call ripped from his dry lungs, final and bitter. 

_ Kill every last one of them. _

The goddess herself could not stop him from rushing straight forward, recklessly barreling through just like he did in the tomb, furious sweaty palms barely gripping his shaky relic as it glowed furiously in time with his brutal blows. Taking down men a single swipe at a time, cutting his bloody path to freedom. For his family, running from his shame. From his self-loathing, his bitterness, his anger. Years he had lamented losing this chance, letting her pale hair slip out of his grasp before he could lift her ghastly severed head aloft as a token to the dead gods in his mind. 

Frantic. Furious. Desperate. 

Byleth managed to catch up with him, Dedue and Mercie in tow. 

“Dimitri. I thought I told you-”

** _“I DO NOT CARE._ ** If you will not help me find her, you can _ GO.” _

Bloodstained and frazzled, he threw his body into a blow to another mage to their left on the platform in the center of the field. Resignation as she shook her head, whip sword humming as she ran past him to cut down another enemy of undetermined origin. The chaos Edelgard wished for was working wonders to throw them off, despite Dimitri’s insistence that he was fine alone. It did not matter how many he had to cut down to get to her, he told himself. It did not matter how hard he pushed himself. He would finish this.

“You are exhausting yourself. Let us help please.”

Gritting his teeth, the prince inhaled and let her statement sit in the air unanswered. Mercie hit an unnoticed tank to his right with a fireball, stopping them before a tomahawk could fly loose from their grip to hit the distracted Dimitri. He boomed at them, stepping over the unarmored head as the singed flesh caved under his heel.

“Do you see what your distractions are leading me to. Let me be!!” 

They refused, trailing him like lost puppies as they tried to cover his blind spot on his way.

He scanned the messy battlefield for any red, breathing ragged as his death grip whittled down the opposing forces. Nothing else mattered. He could not focus. He couldn't care, even if he tried. All traces of the man who would question going berserk over a tiny girl banished the second she betrayed his trust. The saint inside that once put such great love into all around him threatened to poke holes in his plans, pushed down and brutally silenced and _ still _ refusing to finally die in some dark neglected part of his soul. Not that you could ever see it through the blood-stained demon currently lashing out for every misdeed the universe ever piled on his pathetic head. Everything ached from pushing himself too hard and yet he pushed on despite how useless it was. Another cry as he dodged a weak attack from a thief who should not have been left alone before countering out of the flip with a furious scream. One could hardly tell their red insignia apart from the mixture of crimson blood littering the dead ground below. It wasn’t enough. 

_ It's not like this is anything less than you deserve, bloodthirsty pig. _

His last living family, soon to be nothing. It was all he could think about, the aching screams of his family clawing at his chest from the inside and choking his every breath. He blanked out much of the fighting as they approached a demonic beast, blindly pushing forward in single-minded pursuit of that _ witch. _

_ Just a little more. _

_ Just a little further. _

_ More. _

_ MORE. _

** _MORE._ **

He cried vengeance, throwing his precious relic carelessly into the monster’s eye with all his might before Dedue felled it with a brutal swipe to the leg. Walking over, he took a moment to scan the carnage around their downed target, but he saw nothing. Stepping up onto the beast’s back to retrieve Areadbhar, he stilled for a moment. His eyes glazed over, disconnected from the reality around him as fires burned, screams of torment and clash of metal echoed around him. Too lost to notice anything around him, a lost soul shutting down its humanity to feebly attempt and shamble his dead family whole again. She stole everything. 

Killed his dreams. 

Took his future. 

Destroyed his hope.

It was the least she could do to fall by his brutal gleeful hand, her selfish blood staining every inch of her sick throne of ego. 

Ripping his relic free of its skull, he saw her. 

The woman in red. Demonic horns adorning her gaudy outfit as she stood proud and untouched, waiting for him.


	34. Chapter 34- Blank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FAM FAM FAM IT'S HAPPENING  
Next chapter, it's over finally. I'm sure emotionally it will be easier for me to write from then on, but these few scenes are so crucial I didn't wish to rush them or lose my focus and emotional center just to get it out.

Disgusting, isn't it? 

The most intense emotions are saved for love and hate. 

In some measure, he did once love El. She held his only positive memories from childhood, untarnished by spite or disappointment or pressure. He wished so badly for her to feel the same that he blinded himself into believing she treasured that time as well, only having that shattered along with the Flame Emperors mask. Knowing definitively that she did not care at all for how deeply it cut him, her betrayal, lying to him. The prayer that maybe she cared was all he had and she ripped it away without a drop of remorse. The last pained bits of hope he held onto, taken only to be called annoying, obsessed and delusional. Her rejection stung nearly as much as her violent actions to ensure her future came to fruition. All built on a lie. A foundation of falsehood, doomed to crumble at the first strike back. Such is the way of things when you sell your soul for an idea you can't even question.

Pain etched into his features as strongly as rage, his familial love twisted to bitter pain as he piled body after body after body in the hopes that it would quiet the screams. But the sick squelch of smashed chests and screams of agony did naught but add to his own self-loathing on his way to his goal, ripping limb from limb until nothing could stand in his way. That blistering burn of emotional loss in his soul was felt in every dead man he left behind, not recognizing a single face in passing. Just soldiers doing their job. Nothing more. Nothing could fill the void in either of them, taking and taking until there was nothing left to do but fall. 

He wanted only  _ her. _

His stepsister and himself, two sides of the same coin. Ruined by society, adapting in the worst ways possible to carry on. It was that same intense fervor she held, as misplaced as he felt it was, that sickened him to his core and drove him insane. She really could not comprehend the depth of suffering she left in her wake, and he wondered if she even cared at all. Everything that she stood and killed for ran so contrary to his understanding of the world that try as he might, attempting to figure her out just pissed him off more. He would not have been as hurt if he didn't yearn to understand her so badly in the first place. Yet to learn that knowledge does not ease the pain left behind… Blaming all around her for her own narcissism, not stopping to think about the damage done.  _ The irony did not escape me; but at least I am fighting for those I love. _ Her crimes piled up in service of her bloated ego; his piled up in service of his complete absence of one. His sick cowardice, living so far for others that he could not stand for his own ideals any longer, breaking his spirit and back to do their bidding. Mindless and easy, until now. 

Until he got so close to the fires of passion that it burned him.

_ You awoke this hatred in me. It is only fitting that you deal with the consequences of destroying me for good. How dare she get disgusted by a monster of her own making.  _

Finally, he faced her. The literal manifestation of all his woes, and he did not feel any divine relief in the moments passing. Just a broken animal shambling before a cold demon.

"Stab your chest, break your neck, smash your head.. I will allow you to choose your own death." 

Rather generous, all things considered.

"I am not concerned with how death comes to pass, but when. I will not die until my goals come to fruition."

_ So you say. Avenge us. The time is now. _

Their cries of rage and sorrow echoing hollowly in his chest as he engaged her, egging him on as he flipped through the air towards his step-sister with a ferocity and chaos that could only be fueled by years of unresolved pain and unanswered cries for help. All his resentment piled in the overexertion of every string of muscle, easily deflected with her ridiculously oversized shield. He pulled back, swallowing as best he could with his dry throat before realizing that she would simply block any frontal attack like those he had been relying on these past few years. No need for finesse when you were stronger than a bear. 

Her axe fell with a loud cry, edging him further back but not anywhere close to hitting the fast-moving lancer as her stolen relic twitched with unease. A crunch was heard as she dislodged the bone blade from the stone landing she stood on, pushed closer to the stairs leaving him at a slight disadvantage before he tried to use her preoccupation against her. A second too late, however, as Hubert appeared and interrupted his strike to try and sideswipe him. 

“So you too have come, you rat. I must dispose of you before you become too much of a nuisance to my Lady.” 

“I do not have time for your childish games.” 

Dimitri spat the words at him, barely evading the gambit rushing his way with a great deal of effort. Thrown off balance before Byleth’s sword quickly forced the dark mage into hiding once more with a cry. He tried to thank his precious Professor with a nod, but wasn’t sure it reached her or not, watching Ashe and Mercedes take off after him as well from the corner of his one good eye before he saw the flash of red from the other side. A sick laugh pealed from him, glad she was finally taking this as seriously as he and finally having an outlet for years of repressed sadness. Byleth’s steady hand tried to hold him back, but it was already too late. He could visibly see the disgust and disappointment flash across her face, for the first time since the tomb feeling that disgusted glee at other’s pain he was so frightened of at first. He couldn’t care, knowing he only felt that because the Flames of Duscur could soon rest for good. 

The sick joy of a man knowing his suffering was soon to be over.

He could not acknowledge her. Not now, as their metal plating clanked together hard enough to echo through the open plains and mix with the chaos around, brushing her kindness aside to spare her the pain. 

“This is my fight. Do  ** _not_ ** try and stop me.” 

And there were the words she had feared would come, eyes clenching shut as she steadied herself. He stomped away from her to engage Edelgard fully, hoping his Professor would value her life enough to heed his warning. Logic had left him, the cries in his head loud enough to drown out the madness of unrestrained horror around as they egged him on. His spear, twirling furiously as it lit in anticipation, waiting for her to brace. 

Still well-practiced in flashy shows of skill, he was pleased to see his intimidation tactic proved enough for Edelgard to take the bait. Lowering her stance and glaring at him over her tall shield, Dimitri finally focused his frantic efforts enough to execute a perfectly pointed attack at her shield’s weak point, striking through and continuing his momentum forward as even her well-trained arms could not stop the power of the crest of Blaiddyd from pushing her off balance. A huff as she reeled back, losing grip of the shield he kicked free with the last of his forward movement as he finally gained some ground. 

_ FINALLY. ONE STEP CLOSER. SHE WILL FALL DIMITRI. DO NOT STOP. SHE IS RIGHT IN YOUR GRASP. _

She finally realized that she would need to counter his offensive with her own offensive, using her low stance to bash the hilt of Aymr directly into his solar plexus. A grunt of disapproval as he fell to the ground, winded from it but knowing his goal was that much closer even with the loss of ground. His grip never faltered from the relic in his hand, shaking as he pulled himself up once more with the adrenaline rush being the only fuel moving him forward. 

Their jeers echoed in his skull. Her disgusting face sneering down at him, face twitching as she failed to cover her disappointment, their cries growing louder as they begged for her head on a pike. Kill, kill,  **kill, KILL. ** He could not rest until his frantic slashes bore beautiful red, bloody fruit. Dimitri did not falter, even as her blunt strikes hit old wounds, the sting of what he knew he deserved only fueling his desire for revenge. She couldn’t fathom why he didn’t attempt to deflect her hits, cries of surprise starting to leave her as her forearm shook in pain, teeth gritted in frustration. 

“What is  ** _wrong_ ** with you???” 

  
  


_ As if you don’t know. Witch. _

Her frustration started to show, cracks in her cold demeanor seeping through in the brutality of her bashing the weapon into empty spaces, too slow to ever do any lasting damage to him. Voice breaking along with a chunk of her armor, she lost too much ground trying to counter and deflect his blows while he carried on like an inhuman monster unaware of the personal injuries he was sustaining in their fight. No. 

_ Not unaware. _

_ Uncaring. I have no right to health and happiness while my family cannot sleep. _

"Give up already! Aren't you tired of fighting the inevitable?" 

A sick chuckle ripped through him.  _ You really thought you could kill me that easily. _ Her ego painted plainly across her unbothered features as she composed herself once more, looking down her nose at the beast she helped mold as her stolen axe whistled past his head in a taunt.

_ I could not kill myself even when I wished for it. Tough luck. _

"You could never hope to destroy that which you did not create." 

"I care not for your poetic words, Dimitri. This is just what must be done for my future to pass." 

_ " _ ** _And what else must fall for your perfect world to be born? What else must you destroy??? _ ** _ This CANNOT be worth all the bloodshed!!!” _ ** **

That hit something inside her, trying one last time to reason with an unreasonable monster crying for her death as she swiped for his arm, only lancing it lightly while he continued on to spear her in the opposite shoulder in turn, finally landing a substantial blow against his rival. Edelgard cried in pain, voice breaking with frustration as she called Hubert to her side to retreat. 

“I cannot reason with him. My goal is too large to abandon over personal trifles!!! We will meet again on the battlefield later. Come, Hubert.”

Then she was gone as soon as she appeared, that selfish heart still beating in her chest. His jaw dropped, reaching for her with a ragged cry before they teleported somewhere out of reach. This can’t be real. I will kill everyone if that’s what it takes to get to you. 

** _EVERYONE. _ **

** _NO MATTER HOW MANY HUNDREDS, OR THOUSANDS THERE ARE._ **

Out of reach once again. 

He fell to his knees, numb. Their cries grew louder, telling him to die for his loss. 

** _Scum. Pathetic. Failure. WRETCHED BEAST OF A MAN. WHY EVEN BOTHER??_ **

The outside world melted away, behind a thick fog as his extremities fell to the ground below like dull weight in shock. How could he. After five years.  **Five long years??** He just let her go without a fight. Muffled cries around him, words he couldn’t parse in his grief as the adrenaline rush caught up with him and curdled his stomach, leaving him shaky, twitchy, and stuck unable to respond in the cold mud. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. 

** _“You will never be forgiven.”_ **

_ I know. I didn't expect it. _

He couldn’t finish it. A failure until the very end. The cries grew louder, drowning out everything around him. Glenn, laughing at the idiocy of a child who honestly thought he had a chance with a slap, Father, pushing him down as his head rolled away, Patricia, stabbing him in the-

_ Wait. I’m actually being stabbed.  _

It didn’t seem real, the fog not lifting until all his allies screamed a name he should know, and his ally and trusted mentor fell on his back like a dead weight, pushing him from his reverie. 

_ Rodrigue.  _ ** _Rodrigue??? _ **

Felix’s father fell into his arms, a painful breath of air sucking him back to the present as he blinked fast to truly look at him, blood rushing from his unarmored chest too fast for his hands to cover. Shaky grip, he pushed harder, feeling a crack as his frantic energy made the situation worse, crying for answers until he spoke with blood spurting from every angle. His shaky, bloody hands reached for Dimitri. 

This punishment was mine. I am the monster. 

“Rodrigue. ** Please don’t die, ** I cannot have another ghost to haunt my every move!! I… I killed you…”

“None of them. None of us died for you. Your life is your own. It belongs to no other, living or dead.  **Live for what you believe in.” **

As he fell, the bitter psychotic rage that fueled him fizzled immediately. Replaced with nothing but numb shock as he laid there with his dying mentor's last labored breaths. Poetic words that could not penetrate the grief overwhelming his every cell, cold tears falling from his blank face as he was stuck. Even as his allies yanked the corpse from his grasp, he did not respond. Dimitri's warped world view collapsed as quickly as his knees underneath him, slumping to the ground once more in resignation. The voices stopped, cut brutally short with Rodrigue’s last words. No more taunting. No more death calls. 

Just painful, bitter emptiness. 

The realization of what he had done all this time, hanging over his head. Death would be more merciful than the crushing agony of facing five years of running from the truth. The cognitive dissonance inside snapped him like a twig, all his strength for naught when he had built it up in service of a goal he didn't truly want for himself in the first place. Killing her was never going to make things better. Dying would not heal any wounds. No amount of death would equal out to a net positive, no matter the cause. 

A fool, living for a lie. 

But what was left behind, but despair?


	35. Chapter 35- Teardrop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fearless on my breath

Again, he ran. 

_ This is why I told everyone to stay away. This is why I didn’t wish to come back. I don’t even have a horse… could I steal one? What’s another sin for my pile… _

_ Rodrigue… my heart… my foundation… you had just come back. I had just trusted that you were real once again. I cannot shoulder this guilt.  _

_ Yes. I’ll do what I was too cowardly to before. Go to the cliffs. Finish it. Stop myself from hurting anyone else. No more playing around. I can’t get better.  _ ** _I can’t. It’s too late for me I … I just… I hurt everyone around me!!! _ **

The pool of blood and tears had finally filled his lungs, his own, his families, his friends… Rodrigues... Fate had caught up with him and was choking him to death on his own bad decisions. Dripping from every one of his pores, the angst and self-hatred that had steeped every action from Duscur till now had finally risen enough to drown him.

His tears fell as he stalked around, pacing in circles nervously as he ripped at his hair trying to muster the courage to do one final act of justice to rid this world of evil. Himself. He couldn't run any longer. 

_ Coward. End it.  _

_ END IT. _

** _DISGUSTING COWARD. HOPING SOMEONE ELSE WOULD DO THE DIRTY WORK OF PUTTING YOU DOWN LIKE A RABID DOG. LOOK WHERE THAT LED. YOU KILLED RODRIGUE INSTEAD. SELFISH DISGUSTING WASTE. YOU COULDN'T EVEN KILL HER IN THE END._ **

_ I'm stuck.  _ ** _Stuck._ ** _ I cornered myself in my FEAR and now my only option is stopping myself from hurting anyone else. How could I kill so many and still not make them happy???  _ ** _WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME._ **

These five years, he had hated Byleth for leaving. Hated Dedue for falling for a disgusting wretch like he. Hated Edelgard for ripping away the only kindness he had ever known. Above all, hated himself for letting it happen. 

The rage that had moved him forward this whole time melted away that gloomy day to reveal it's true face was grief. 

It was then, moments before deciding to leave this world for good, he heard tiny footsteps in his direction. Ready to kill nearly anyone if they tried to stop him, he was faced with the one person he could never hurt. 

“Where are you going.”

Stern. Slightly shaky, unsure of herself but not wavering in her determination. For what good, he knew not. Byleth stood, holding herself steady not knowing his true plans in the overcast stables. She must have known he planned to flee. A coward till the end.

“It doesn’t concern you.” Even mumbling that much was hard. If he spoke any more, he would crumble, losing his goal. Letting down his family, on top of already letting down everyone at the monastery.

_ Push her away. _

“I’ve made it my business. Were you trying to leave?”

“Stop.”

**“NO. ANSWER ME.”**

"Yes. Fine. I was leaving. Going to put a rabid animal down before I could do any more damage."

Every word, one step closer to the edge. His mouth started to twitch, the discomfort and anxiety of being found at the worst possible moment making him short circuit. His fingers clenched and unclenched, an unconscious move as he tried his best to worm out of a discussion, only making himself sicker in the process. He had not eaten since Gronder, ignoring everything in a daze to run back here, avoiding everyone in turn that could make him second guess his plans. Byleth was making that hard though, currently blocking his way from leaving.

“Get out of my way. Now.” his voice faltered.

As his rage dissipated with Rodrigue’s life force, the void left behind sucked all of his motivation entirely. He couldn't even leave to go kill himself, standing there blind and confused until she found him a few minutes prior. He had no strength to fight her any longer.

"Were you going to Enbarr?"

Silence. Dark clouds gathered. He stared at nothing, his lack of answer spoke all she needed to know. Hiding his shame somewhere over her shoulder so he didn’t have to face the truth.

"Do you really think that would make them happy?" 

“Silence!!  **You have no idea what you’re talking about!!** You weren’t there. Didn’t hear their cries of agony. Haven’t seen them screaming for me ever since… Death is the end. No matter how much lingering regret a person has after death, they are powerless. They cannot even wish for revenge, much less seek it out.” 

All emotion had been sucked from him, parroting the same faulty ideas that had ruined his life thus far. Bashing his head against the wall, wondering why the result was always the same.

“Hatred. Regret. Those burdens fall on the shoulders of those who are left behind.” 

The cracks in his logic had become seeping wounds, the longer he talked it was harder to stop all of them up and continue the lie. Byleth’s accusatory gaze just made him sick, growing ever more frustrated that his useless excuses had run their course, leaving him an empty husk. This was never his fight, but what else did he have? She stayed silent, pity in her eyes once more.

“... and. And so I _MUST_ continue down this path!!! _I already told you as much!!! It is far too late to stop!”_

_ No. **No.** Nothing ever ends well for me.  _

“Dimitri… there must be another way.”

_ Stop stop stop STOP I can’t LISTEN to you or, or… or… I… will… _

**“Do not waste your breath with some NONSENSE about how I should move on with my life for their sake. ** That is merely the logic of the living. It’s meaningless.”

_ But so is the logic of the dead. It cannot grow. It cannot heal. It cannot change. _ ** **

** _I _ ** _ cannot change.  _

Memories of every failing he ever endured, an entire lifetime worth of broken promises, each one ending in disaster. He was the common thread, so logic dictated  _ he _ must be the problem. Others weren't burdened by such bad luck, to the point where it was nigh impossible to deny that he was at the center of them all. 

“Those who died with lingering regret… They will not lose their hold on me so easily.” 

_ Cursed. Bad. Nothing ends well for you, Dimitri. _ He must be the fell king Nemesis reborn, back to cast evil upon everything he touched in this world, doomed to hurt everything around him just as he ruined the beautiful Sirius with his tarnished hands. His blessed Professor already stained red by his hatred. Everything he tried ended badly.

Yet a tiny voice in his head, not one of death cries or bitterness, tugged at him instead. A pitiful, merciful thing saying  _ "Not everything." _

She came back. He couldn't reason that truth away, no matter how badly he wanted to give up. " _ Stop lying to yourself. Doesn't it hurt more to hold this dishonesty in your soul?" _

"But you seem to have all the answers. So tell me, Professor."

The one thing he couldn't deny. She was here, despite the odds. Reaching for him. So he cried for help, knowing the chances were it would prove just as useless as every other attempt before. It wasn't as if he had any other choice.

This or death.

"Tell me.  _ Please.  _ How do I silence their desperate pleas??? How do I… how do I save them???" 

Desperation tore at him, fed up with it all. The rain started to fall, but it did little to soothe the hurt in his soul. He didn't wish to die, he just wished the hurt would stop.

“Ever since I lost them all nine long years ago… I have lived only to avenge the fallen. Even my time at the Officer’s Academy was all so that I could secure my revenge and clear away the regrets of my family.”

But what came after? There was no after. He had no right to hopes and dreams of his own… right? He lived for family. For country. For the dead… His future died the day everyone fell in Duscur.

“It was the only thing that kept me alive… My only reason for moving forward…” 

“You’ve suffered enough, Dimitri…”

Her kindness, after all he had done. Her unwavering kindness. It broke him finally. A solitary tear mixed with the falling rain across his blank face as he spoke. The overflow of years of unresolved grief, realizing that selling his future for those who had passed would never give him peace. 

“But then who, or what, should I live for?” 

“Live for what you believe in.” 

He begged for help from the shallow grave he dug for himself, only to have her small hand clench his own and offer him a chance at salvation. That chance alone was enough.

“What I believe in? Rodrigue said the same thing, didn’t he… What.. what if I don’t know?”

“Damnit, make up something till you figure it out. Live for me. Live for your friends. Live to see your favorite spot again. Live out of spite. Live to honor them instead. Live because you know you can do something special. Live for all the experiences you've never had yet. You have time. Just find something. Anything. You will find your answer on the way if you don’t give up here, okay?” 

“But I am a _ murderous monster, _ my hands are stained red. I piled up countless bodies fighting for the dead’s futile cause. Could one such as I truly hope for a life of my own? As the sole survivor of that day, do I… Do I have the  _ right _ to live for myself?” 

He became frantic, the survivor's guilt of knowing his father should have lived instead of him. Anyone but a pathetic demon as he could have weathered this pain, grown past it. But he got stuck, their bitter bloody limbs holding him in place and torturing him day in and day out so long that he thought he deserved to be hurt, and so continued to hurt himself even when they didn’t. He wanted so badly to have another way, anything to not relive the worst day of his life constantly. 

_ Why did I have to survive?  _

“Please. Just try.” 

Her hand stretched out, her large jade eyes begging him to trust her as she stood there, resolute and unwavering. His chin quivered before he finally broke with a whimper, accepting her offer silently as he gingerly placed his trust in her. With her gentle hands in his, through the pouring rain, Dimitri took his first breath in nine long years. Nine years he had been unable to truly think, truly reach out, truly try. His lungs unused to the feeling of being full, like a baby bird's wings opening for the first time since they closed shut in Duscur. This was a knowledge he had, at one point, but it was so far lost to him he had forgotten it was even an option. The atrophied muscles of self-love stretching at long last.

Her words were not revolutionary. It was just that coming from her, he was able to allow her to unlock the chains binding his soul and step out of the harmful cycles that were so close to driving him over the edge. Their mutual trust allowed him to actually  _ believe _ the kindness extended to him was not a joke. Ignoring his inner strength this long had stopped the possibility of things ever healing, but not any longer. Even if it hurt, he wanted a better way. Byleth's fastidious kindness was able to touch his wounded soul once again. And it burned. 

Fate, Faerghus, and bad luck had whittled Dimitri's kindness to a brutal killing edge, beating down the soft boy he wished so badly to be until all hope of that was snuffed out brutally in Duscur. In the tomb. For him to reject his bloody destiny and everything telling him death was the only answer and instead choose kindness... healing... love... was the bravest thing he ever had to do. To trust that there was a better way to live. To trust  _ himself. _

"I'm sorry. I'm  _ so _ sorry…." 

He sobbed openly, clinging to her desperately as the overwhelming relief of letting go washed over him as heavy as the rain around them. Her gentle hand stroked his greasy, neglected hair with all the patience she could muster as she whispered soft reassurance to him for finally realizing what they had been telling him all along. 

_ You deserve to be happy. _

He crumpled to the ground, taking her with him as he clung with fierce desperation to her sleeve and continued to cry with pangs of agony that echoed in her soul as well, starting to cry herself at his release. It was a long time coming, and the dam breaking loose could do little to hold back the grief overwhelming him.

"It's okay… truly…" her voice wavered but her resolve was solid, letting him move through the emotions that tore him apart as he shook in her arms. 

No one died for Dimitri, this is true. But maybe he could find salvation in  _ living _ for someone instead. Living for her, until he could find his own motivations. Whatever cruel fate the goddess Sothis placed on his head, it also brought her to him. 


	36. Chapter 36- Warmth

His sniffles slowed, becoming more acutely aware of their compromising position as the seconds ticked by in the aftermath of his breakdown amidst the pouring rain. Byleth eventually lifted her head, feeling him still. She gently patted his back and spoke. 

"C'mon, we should get you inside before we both get sick." 

He could only nod against her shoulder, slumped over in an undignified pile of fur and matted hair before he silently obeyed, pushing himself up and blinking hard to clear his vision before checking on her. She sighed, propping herself up with a groan before smiling back at him and offering her hand once more. Not a word as to her plans, but he trusted she would be merciful at least as they quickly took cover by the abandoned classrooms that once echoed with their joyful learning by her hands. Now filled to the brim with miscellaneous broken things so the common areas had more room for war efforts, he could hardly stop his swollen sad remaining eye from seeing the harsh parallels as they continued past around the corner. It felt like just a day ago he was introducing himself properly in that very corner, the anxiety and worthlessness he felt barely concealed even at the time when he eagerly tried to gain the approval of the cute girl that was going to teach here, now a beautiful woman holding his hand like it was nothing. Just a flash, and he saw all her praise after their training sessions, every time he stopped to ask her opinion, to encourage her, to ask if she would like to accompany the class...

Just how much had he lost or missed out on while incapacitated with grief and paranoia? 

She would not let him dwell, ducking around the corner by the training grounds and yanking him along, adorably insisting on his obedience before he realized she was leading him up the stairs to the sauna.

"You know, I was sent to force you to come get your wounds treated from Gronder. I'm not sure why I had a feeling you would be there…" 

"I am glad you found me… truly." He coughed as he did his best to muster some gentleness, feeling a shiver run through his hungry bones at the side swept rain before she ushered him into the communal storage room leading to the rest of the sauna's amenities. Suddenly he realized her intentions, stiffening in panic.

"What- Why are we here?" 

"To be frank you need it. That and I can't very well heal something that I cannot see properly under that layer of grime you've built up." 

He shied away from the truth, nodding his cold head with a sigh. That did not help ease his true worries, though. He swallowed hard, frozen in place. After a few moments of silence, she spoke again gently.

"Can I help you at least, Dimitri? My skills are not all that great but-"

"Do what you will." 

He glared at the ground, entirely worried that she would actually make him show his disfigured form like he was a helpless baby instead of a broken man. Crossing her arms, she held a stern tone as she continued where he cut her off.

"I am ASKING your permission to help you. Do I have it?"

He sighed, realizing he was being obstinate still and softening again. It wasn't worth fighting over at this point, not when he was already so exhausted. His ego wasn't worth it.

"It's not that I don't trust you but is… this necessary I can bathe myself-" 

"Oh _ Gods _ , not that. Take your time. _ Alone. _ I need to bathe as well because I am also freezing." 

He felt foolish for even jumping to that conclusion, covering his face with a groan. The mental toll of everything was catching up with him it seemed, leaving him panicky and more awkward than usual.

"I… sorry." 

His usual politeness was still lost to exhaustion, still reeling from earlier as he gladly parted when she left him to his own devices.

She was right. He did need to bathe badly. Peeling the sweaty, blood soaked armor from himself unceremoniously, as a snake shedding its skin. Perhaps he should clean that as well. He had not realized the true depths of how bad he had let himself degrade, intensely feeling the aches and pains of what he once dissociated away. Hunger, old scarring, tight muscles, the new stab wound, his half healed ribs, and this horrible pit in his stomach that seemed entirely unrelated to the hunger. Issues that had long needed tending, but in his broken state were secondary to the ambitions of the dead. It was humiliating being faced with it in its entirety, and now painful as well.

Slipping in the warm water finally, he quickly scrubbed himself, feeling like nothing would cleanse his soul of all he had done. Despite his breakdown earlier, he felt that he wouldn't really be able to overcome all he had done. No matter what, all his friends would see was his transgressions. No matter how much better he got, everyone would be scared that he would slip right back into that deep, dark hole at the first mistake.

He was scared he would fall backwards as well.

  
  


Dark thoughts took him over and mixed with his overall exhaustion until he was close to falling asleep then and there before he heard her humming echo through the vents by the ceiling, water sloshing as she bathed lazily. Swallowing hard, he submerged his head to chastise himself for immediately wandering to depraved ideas of her naked, soapy… 

Her kindness was too much to bear. He had ruined enough before with his selfish actions, far too much to ever ask for that kind of intimacy. Angry at himself but too tired to do much, he stared down at the skin he had absently rubbed raw, aching with how overly vigorous he had gone at it to clean himself. As if he was attempting to cleanse his soul with it as well. Giving up on relaxing here at least, he did not realize how much time had passed until he left the bath to find Byleth had already left him clean and dry clothes on the chair, taking his dirty things without a word. Dressing quietly, he poked his head out to see the rain had slowed as she came back up the stairs for him once more, a towel wrapped around her head and a robe wrapped around her curvy frame. 

“Hey. How are you feeling.” she asked plainly, holding a coat for him and thrusting it his direction before standing next to him as he left. Dimitri’s eye softened, head dipping as he mumbled at the ground before taking the coat from her.

“Okay.” 

“Do you uh. Do you mind coming to my room for the night? No judgement. Just let me help you feel human again, heal that stab wound. You know.”

She was the one who seemed slightly nervous this time, starting to walk with an anxious energy as she spoke. Despite that, he somehow knew that she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Embarrassed, all he could do was silently nod, eternally grateful that the bath’s heat would conceal his furious blush. Fear slowly shrunk him down each step closer to her door, worried that he would be unable to control himself.

_ I've come too far to give up here. Let her in _. 

She let him into her room nearby, a small fire already raging and tea set on it as she shook her damp hair free before shutting the door softly behind him. The clean clothes alone already felt ten times better on him, one less thorn in his side. But he knew she wouldn’t let the bigger thorn go untreated, motioning for him to sit on the edge of her bed that he remembered all too well. Last he was here, he was staining her things with his disgusting self-loathing. Dimitri swallowed hard, wondering if she even believed what he had told her that evening with his chest tight. She pulled the tea pot off the heat before pouring both of them a mug, handing one to him. Warm, comforting. As she always was. He lost himself tracing his calloused, dry fingers over the masonry until he braced against spilling it as she hopped unceremoniously on the bed behind him, squared up to his tense shoulders. 

“Do you mind? I gotta get at this if you don’t want an infection. I’ve been working on my faith magic lately too.” 

He wasn’t sure how much or how little to show, not wanting the shame of bearing his war torn skin to her, settling for pulling one side of his shirt up over his shoulder with a shaky, sore arm. If she was disgusted at the sight, she made no mention of it. His leg bounced anxiously as he tried to ignore the vulnerability of the situation. Delicate fingers lightly ghosting over the deep ridged scars he got from Cornelia’s lashings, a few stray arrows, and misplaced Imperial weapons. There was nothing but muscle and mottled skin between his bruised bones and her, deteriorated with instability and neglect. A long while passed in silence as he gripped his warm mug, terrified of her rejecting helping him in disgust as her tiny hand stilled before he glanced over his shoulder and saw her crying instead.

“Byleth???” 

She blinked fast, relaxing as she broke out of whatever mood she had fallen into and shaking her head. Wiping her face down quickly as she spoke again.

“I’m. I’m so sorry. You didn’t do anything, don’t worry. Just try to focus on something else, okay?” 

She turned her focus back on healing as he inhaled sharply at her start. The pain was nothing he wasn’t used to, but this time he had nothing else to distract from it as she weakly started stitching him back together with magic, the electric shock leaving her glowing fingertips making him jump at each new point. He cleared his throat to speak. 

“Professor…”

“Hmm?” 

“Do… do you think I should apologize formally.” 

She hummed as she focused, a jolt of inexperience drawing a surprised squeak from him. Through it all, he still trusted her despite her amateur attempts. Unbothered, her calm demeanor helped ease a lot of the worry he was holding in his chest as he focused on her desk before she spoke again.

“I think that's the best place to start actually. It takes a lot of bravery to admit mistakes and even though the circumstances forced your hand, there is still damage to be repaired. If you need, I can be there to support you.”

The stinging deep in his flesh finally hit the point where the surrounding muscle spasmed despite his best wishes at the invasive touch, realizing just how fast Mercedes worked in comparison. Face twitching as he did his best to not worry her, it was just another small thing to remind him that she was just as human as he. A comfort with his vulnerability. 

“Are you sure that won’t be a burden?”

“Dimitri…” 

Behind him, her voice spoke volumes in gentle frustration and genuine worry before she sighed and answered him finally.

“Of course it’s not. I promise.” 

A long silence as she ruffled his damp hair to lighten the mood before continuing working on his back, peeling up just a bit more of his shirt to see he was hiding more. Byleth quickly realized it wasn’t just the stab wound she had to mend, but bruised ribs from falling backwards on his unhealed injury from the Bridge, a slash on his other side from his plate metal scraping against his skin, various scrapes and bruises she could ignore. He tried to drown it out as she moved from spot to spot until her voice squeaked out, uncharacteristically weak. 

“Is… is this okay? Does it hurt?”

He was so glad for the kind attention he gave a white lie, reassuring her as she kept working slowly but surely. 

“Not at all. Thank you. I am more worried that I am taking more favors from you than I can ever repay.” 

It was the first apology he had uttered in years. Probably since those kind farmers took him in. A small step, but an important one. He felt her nodding in the bed dipping as she paused, glancing back as she bit her lip and shook her hands loose of the tension from casting magic. He thought he saw a blush across her face, but was sure he was imagining things in his exhaustion, watching silently as she grabbed some gauze for what her magic couldn’t seal away.

“I am still learning but I figured you would trust me to do this even if I’m not the most experienced.”

_ You would be correct. _

Despite that, he winced against the sting of disinfectant at his back before she gently wrapped him up with all the tenderness she had.

“Professor… I…”

“Byleth.” 

The name was too intimate for the current situation, but he honored it anyway, lifting his arm so she had better access to secure the wrappings as she went. The blush that had stayed stuck on his face only grew in intensity as her name left his lips.

“Byleth I… know what I want to say. Mostly how sorry I am. I could have killed everyone. I thought everyone would just leave me if I scared them enough. Somewhere deep down I knew it was stupid but I felt like I didn’t have any other choice and I…”

Tears quickly welled up in his eyes once more till he felt her gentle hand rub small circles in his back with a shush, pulling the shirt edge free from his grip. 

“Alright, not right now. I think that is all the urgent injuries. Tomorrow I will go and insist they give you a week to rest it off.” 

Glad she gave him an easy out, he knew she was right. He knew he needed the rest, not just for physical pains but for emotional and mental exhaustion as well, but admitting so out loud felt too weak. Sipping at his tea, she moved to his side and waited for him to drop his shirt back before sliding off her bed to finish getting ready.

“I, uh. Took the liberty of getting you new furniture for your old quarters as well.” 

Dimitri hid his gaze even from her turned back, knowing she had now seen the broken vase from her five-year-old birthday gift in his room and hoping that she would excuse the rest as bandit wreckage and not him throwing a tantrum in frustration. In the end, he was too exhausted to answer her properly, nearly dropping his mug before she caught it and forced him back in bed. He was too exhausted to get anxious over sharing a space with her, eye burning with the pain of sobbing and lack of sleep as he nodded. 

“I’m sorry to take up your space here, I can go there now if you-” 

“Won’t you sleep better here for a night or two? You seemed so peaceful last time you passed out here after...”

Her face had no hints of mockery or upset at that, her gentle smile visible from the corner of his vision as she shrugged off her robe leaving nothing but a long lacy camisole underneath. Dimitri swallowed hard, hiding his face like a sheepish boy while he nodded. She remembered, and after all the lengths he had gone to try and hide his mistake. But this time things felt different, now unable to deny how he felt in any measure and entirely unsure of her own wants. No longer a student and teacher overstepping their bounds, but two broken warriors hoping for a genuine reprieve from the stress of the outside world. 

“I just keep causing you trouble, don’t I?”

“Please try and sleep. You have all the time in the world to worry when you’re less tired.” 

No sooner than she sat up next to him in bed to read by candlelight had he was passed out. Clinging to her waist in his sleep, he rested more soundly than he had in years. Soothing and warm, he took solace in the kindness she offered in great relief. No nightmares came to him. He slept on and off for the next few days, drifting in and out of consciousness as she forced him to stay down and heal not just mind but body as well. One afternoon, she hummed gently as she worked at her desk until he passed out once more.

Rising from the grass by the greenhouse, it was dark. A high pitched whine sounded from somewhere nearby as he wandered. Eyes intact. Body whole. The monastery was as it always was before the war, perfectly manicured and clean. He glanced down and in the darkness saw his academy uniform as he clenched his fists, testing them tenuously to find his strength was gone.

The humming grew louder, echoing through his veins as he walked up the stairs and neared her room before turning to face a loud screaming void. A cry, he turned and it was there once more in front of him no matter how he turned, starting to scream for freedom realizing he was stuck in a nightmare as the black figure hissed loudly. Clamping his hands over his ears, he begged it to stop till it grew closer, attempting to sink into his skin and meld with him until the hissing whine grew to a fever pitch, electricity rushing through him as he reached out and grabbed the figure by its thinnest point. _ Murderer. _

_ You want to hurt me don't you. You want me to go away. Too bad. _

He screamed to be free. 

_ I am not you. I made my decision, now let me go. _

_ LET ME GO. _

_ LET ME- _

and he woke with a slap, realizing his hand was on her frightened neck as she clawed at him to release his grip. Dimitri screamed, jolting up against the wall behind with a low whine in his chest as he heard her voice call to him through the tired fog growing clearer in his pounding head.

"Fuck! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I-I-" 

Seemingly more surprised at his swearing than him touching her, Byleth blinked fast as he stuttered. She cut him off as he cowered in a ball with his hands over his head, the ache of tension crawling over his skin. 

"Hey. It's okay. You're safe. Dimitri… tell me."

"Wh-what??" His voice was high, frantic. Not his own. An eight-year-old praying for his parent’s protection. Hiding from them as he fidgeted, shrinking his comically large form down to a child-size as he hyperventilated. 

"Was it the same one you have spoken of? Breathe..." 

Her voice was so gentle. He shook his head no and whined, covering his ears and hearing his pulse hot and furious ring through his aching head.

"It told me I would never be free…" He whimpered as he spoke into his folded up knees before her hand reached out, tentatively at first. _ Byleth. Here. Real. _ She kept talking to him till he could begin to breathe once more, shame overcoming him at his body's involuntary reaction.

"Wh.. what do you feel?" The words came out of her cautious and awkward, but it was enough. Dimitri breathed deep, trying to pay attention so he could answer her. There was not enough air to fill his lungs, light-headed and still disoriented before he tried picking words to describe what didn’t exist as he grasped at his thin shirt, tensing his hands and feet in a nervous tic. 

"Numb. Tingly. Sore. Tight… chest is. Scared. What… if. What if it never stops?" 

He looked to her finally, fear of himself painted as plainly as agony on his face while he tried not to cry.

"I had my hand on you I-I could have-"

"Dimitri, stop. You didn't, and you won't." 

A lot can change in a week when you finally have a reason to live again after nine long years. Dimitri didn't know if he had ever truly had to come up with his own reason to move forward, fearful to go against anyone's wishes until those wishes started to conflict, ending in where he nearly wound up dead from the crushing weight of it. Living for others would always end in tragedy; one can never find happiness attempting to please everyone. He did not know yet what he wished to do with his life, the freedom so foreign to him that it was staggering in its weight. He could do anything with his time now that it was his.

_ Anything. _

Such a heavy word. 

Contemplating all of this as she forced him to rest, and between mixed bouts of sleep he at least came to one conclusion; he didn't wish those he loved to be sad by giving up any longer.


	37. Chapter 37- Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MY BABIESSSSSSSSSSSSS

In his dreams he could feel her, head curled up gently beneath his chin as she clung to him with a whimper. He nuzzled closer with a hum, the warmth of sunlight enveloping him in his half-asleep state. The soft rise and fall of his chest met her own, until he woke fully cuddling a pillow instead. Byleth was curled up in a ball passed out nearby on the floor, having grabbed a bed roll for his stay to not upset him any further after he nearly hurt her during his nightmare a few days prior. Perhaps it was just her soothing presence, but he managed to sleep soundly for the first time in years since taking solace in her quarters, minus the one nightmare. That alone was a huge improvement. He had done little there except eat and rest, forced to sit still and not aggravate any of his injuries under her watchful eye the whole time. Doing so gave him ample time to think. Come to terms with what his life should be now, where he faltered, where he should have listened, should have trusted or opened up sooner. Yet through it all, she was there to stop him every time she noticed he was thinking too hard on things that could not be reasoned out for ages to come. Ever the calm presence he had fallen for, even all these years later.

For now, he was just content to sit there admiring her as she snoozed, her cute nose scrunching in a twitch at something in her sleeping world he would never be privy to. No matter what came of this thing between them, he could never repay the kindness she had given him. Reverence drew him in even more, the gentle movements from her as she was twisted awkwardly on the floor just endearing him all the more to her. The gentle slope of her bust as small breaths left her, toned arm thrown awkwardly at an angle over half the pillow while half her face was obscured with messy waves green like sea foam. It was hard to reconcile his initial image of her with this; vulnerable, unguarded, soft… when all he saw was her expert command and unwavering strength everywhere else. A literal demi-god. Pushing down his morning wood, perhaps he should be grateful she wasn’t curled up next to him after all. The shame would have killed him. Hell, even just sitting across the room from her was difficult like this, his heart yearning desperately to reach over and brush back the soft bangs from her face and… 

He couldn't. 

So lost he was during those five years. Waiting for salvation, a chance, begging for guidance from her gentle hands just as she had been given guidance from his before. One could hardly blame him for taking solace in the only safe company he could get after losing her and Dedue… his family. Grief had clouded his every thought, strangling him until now where it's absence was sorely felt. Despite the slow poison of staying stuck, it at least filled him with something to keep moving, but now… who was he without that? He figured that he would find that answer on the way, but even so, the anxiety ate at him. These things were not hers to bear. She deserved better, he thought with a heavy sigh as he rolled back over and tried to ignore the pangs of guilt while he soaked in her soft smell that coated the pillow he was still clutching.

A short while later, he was woken once more by her shifting around with an annoyed groan. She sat up, scratching her head and apparently rather surprised to see him lucid based on her groggy response. 

“Oh… you’re up.”

“In a manner, yes.” 

Byleth's eyes flitted back to the ground, pulling her haphazardly twisted top back in place quickly before continuing. 

“I didn’t wish to upset you any further so I got a bedroll a few nights ago for myself. I still wanted to make sure you relaxed for a bit longer. I hope that’s okay.” 

“I’m terribly sorry I kicked you out of your own bed…” 

So, she was too disgusted with him to share the same space after he put his hands on her again. He tried to hold back his guilt, mouth tight with worry as he sat up on an elbow before she cut him off. 

“Nonsense. I had to make sure you were okay after all that, right? I'm used to sleeping on the ground. You seem a great deal more lucid this morning though.”

He nodded against the pillow, blinking hard against the sunlight before rubbing at his sore eye socket over his old wound. It still gave him trouble even all these years later, even though he had managed to save himself from death by losing half his sight. Just another reminder of his sins that he would bear for life.

He sat up with his back cracking, still feeling slightly shaky but much better than a week prior. Though the headache lingered, it’s tendrils didn’t wrap him in a fog of pain as intensely, and his voices were little more than an echo of their former selves. Like a memory, not a scream. He could still hear them if he listened hard, but it was indistinct. More feelings, impressions than a concrete issue holding him down every waking moment. But it was enough in that moment for him to get a sting of worry, adjusting his eyepatch with a cautious hand to hide his shame from her. 

  
“I’m terribly sorry you had to see me like that the other night.” 

"I was just worried about you. I wasn't hurt, I promise."

Byleth tilted her head even as he refused to look at her, moving to drink some water from her desk before sitting to brush her hair lazily. He couldn’t fathom why she was so comfortable around him like this after all he had done to her, half-naked and improperly slouched over with one toned, curvy leg crossed over the other. Despite his best intentions, he found himself staring as she continued. 

“Dimitri… I…” 

She started, then stopped herself. 

“Never mind.” 

Now he was curious, worried he was making her uncomfortable somehow. Staying silent under the blankets far too long as he watched her combing out her hair and scrubbing her face, he raised his head once more as she picked up another line of questioning entirely. 

“How are you feeling? Do you think you’re ready to face them?”

Her tone remained calm as she turned to face him. Dimitri nodded, slightly queasy at the thought but knowing he had to if he wished to make amends. 

"It is something I must do, ready or not."

“I’ll be there.” 

He nodded once more, glad for the assurance. 

“Thank you for your guidance, Professor…" 

"I'm glad to do this. Remember how kind you were when you helped me after losing Jeralt? What sort of friend would I be to not return the favor?" 

_ Friend. _

He blushed hard at that, remembering nothing but holding her close while she cried. It had been so incredibly hard to watch  _ that  _ event be the trigger to start waking her up to the full depth of her emotional capacity, but even so… looking at her soft smile as she turned in the chair to him this day, he knew he wouldn't trade any of his mistakes if it meant losing this. Even if all she wanted was friendship. She was worth more to him than that.

"I was so embarrassed at how imprudent I acted even so…" 

"Why do you say that? Were people gossiping over something silly like that? It was clearly a mistake." 

As he looked over at her, the playful mirth in her eyes took his breath away. Whether that was good or bad, he couldn't tell. It was too intense to hold, so he turned his head from her once more, moving to sit up.

_ Friend. _

"No… it just. Nevermind. I'm worrying too much over things long gone."

He couldn't bear to ask if she enjoyed being close to him that night so long ago that now echoed his own breakdown. She was just returning the favor. Nothing more.

"I will be glad to go back to my own quarters after this. Thank you for helping me again." 

He suddenly recalled vaguely that she had indeed seen his before he tore it apart, grimacing in embarrassment once more though he could hardly remember the details.  _ She had come for something… oh, gods. I think she saw me shirtless then too.  _ Byleth seemed unflappable even so, nodding in affirmation as she clasped her corset armor on. After all this, he knew she couldn't ever see him as more than a friend.

"I'm happy I could bring back some semblance of normalcy for you at least. A sense of pride. Oh!" she paused what she was doing as she remembered something, grabbing a basket off her tea table and handing it to him. 

"Dedue and Mercedes were so happy to hear how you were doing they spent the entire afternoon baking for you." 

He had to hold back tears at that, heartwarming at the thought of his friends already hoping he could crawl out of this hole he made himself. 

"I will have to thank them after I give my formal apology."

-

"It'll be fine. Trust me." Her soft voice low enough that none could overhear as she reassured him, stopped in the hallway as he leaned against the windowsill around the corner from the war council. His head bounced aggressively in affirmation for her kind words, glad for her soft hand on his arm to tether him as he played over his script for the fifteenth time knowing full well he would mess up anyway. Patting his arm, she moved to spur him on as her words grew more animated. 

"You know, I've held a spot for you at the table this whole time."

Palms sweaty, he soothes his nerves as best he can before raising his head high and walking around the corner into the room. All eyes turned to him, the conversations slowly petering to a stop as he kept walking without acknowledgment. Dedue tried to chastise him for being up too soon.

“Your highness… your wounds are still healing. You should be resting.”

“I am well, I assure you. More importantly, maybe I have a moment of your time?”

His nerves were shot as he continued, speaking from the heart but unable to bear looking anyone in the eye until he was finished.

“I wish to apologize. To all of you. I have led you all down this dark path with me, and caused so much suffering along the way…” 

Another pause, but he refused to stop. His heart would not allow him to rest until things were settled, regardless of their response.

“I cannot tell you how sorry I am for my behavior. There is no apology that would be sufficient.” 

The air stayed dead, silent between the entire class as they stood there while he sweated under his collar until Felix spoke. Dimitri’s gaze finally rose to meet his eyes alone, listening fully, and committing to heart all he said.

“Hmph. And how do you intend to make up for my father’s death?” 

“Felix… I realize words alone are not enough to repent, but I fear they are all I have.” 

“I’m not after more empty words. I want you to speak with your actions.” 

His friend gestured wildly, clearly frustrated, but this time he could tell, truly tell that under it all it was because Felix wanted better for him as he begged for assurance. He couldn’t blame him, after all he had seen from the boar Prince. Meeting his friend's gaze, underneath all the bitter rage and pain there was a tiny, unstable spark of hope as he chastised him. Hope that maybe Dimitri will fight his demons, try to be better. That spark somehow filled him with more determination. If they didn’t actually care they would have given up on him long ago. 

_ You should know already once I set my mind to something, it is done. _

“No amount of regret can undo the lives we have lost. I… I know that well. It is like patching a tear with a different material. Things can never be as they were. The best I can hope for is to make things whole again. I do not intend to wallow in my mistakes any longer and lose the future to them.” 

He paused, finally facing all of them truly, one by one as he finished his statement with a resolute frown.

“I wish to do the right thing from now on, no matter how difficult. That is why I intend to start with reclaiming the capital. I wish to help our people, those who I have turned my back on for far too long. To follow my heart and do the right thing. That is the only way I can atone.” 

He finished speaking with a nod, frozen and unsure of what to do with himself. As they all stood in various states of shock and confusion, Annette broke from the group to run into him and hug Dimitri before he could respond. A few others followed, Mercedes, Bernadetta, Sylvain even all piling on him in joy it seemed. He didn’t know what to do with himself, letting them squish him when he was absolutely sure ten seconds ago they would scorn him for even trying. Tears were shed in relief. He cared little if they saw. He deserved nothing less than their hatred, and yet here they all were just proud that he was trying. It took a lot to just stand there and accept it as it came before they slowly backed away. At least he wasn’t alone, watching Annie wipe away tears rather blatantly with a sigh. Finally, he was able to continue with business, composing himself and walking around the large table they were all gathered near. Byleth followed shortly behind, plopping down the large stack of paper in her hands at the front of the long desk. Dimitri cautiously walked over and pulled out the unoccupied chair to her left. Leaning over the table, he spoke frankly as the entire room stayed at their attention.

"Now that that is over, our next order of business. Fhirdiad."

She responded, just as firmly with a nod.

"Fhirdiad." 

Gilbert cleared his throat across from him, nodding and trying to debrief the prince on all he had missed. 

“If we can win back Fhirdiad, we will gain a huge advantage in the war against the Empire. Not only in manpower, but morale.” 

Felix spoke curtly, feeling anxious as one hand smacked the air next to him. 

“Do we intend to take it without my father’s forces?”

“Well, they are yours now officially, are they not?” 

A scoff as he set his mouth firmly, crossing his arms in thought. 

“I have not been able to even travel back home since Gronder. Despite  _ technically  _ winning a larger part of that battle, we did sustain some losses that will make it difficult. Many of the people who know the Capital well sided with the dukedom.”

Dimitri spoke, trying to instill a measure of levity to a heavy topic as he tried to offer what he could.

“We can spare the time to properly escort you home so you can establish what you need in Fraldarius territory first since we have a close jumping point from there. As for Fhirdiad proper, who better to know the ins and outs of the castle and that witch Cornelia than someone with first-hand experience?”

Felix sat up at the table, slamming his hand down and leaning forward closer as he pointed over at Dimitri. 

“Have you learned nothing??? I thought you just said that you would make it better, not recklessly charge in just like before!!” 

“Felix… please…” 

Annette called to him, trying to pull him back off the table where he was close to crawling over it to get at his friend with a snarl. Dimitri felt a shiver run down his spine at the pushback, trying to stay calm but finding himself shaking despite his best efforts. It seemed that emotional stress could be just as painful to face as physical violence. 

“I never said that I would endanger myself! Gods can I at least get an opportunity to try before you shut me down??”

“I’m not following you until I can get some assurance that you aren’t going to lose control again the second it suits you.” 

He bickered back and forth, for once feeling the need to defend his position and for once actually knowing he was in the right. Their voices rose until Dimitri rose, slamming his hands on the table in turn with a slight crack that echoed through the hall, stopping everyone in their tracks. He was shaking with frustration, after doing all that was in his power, it wasn't enough??? What would it take?? 

“YOU REALLY THINK IT WAS A DECISION FOR ME TO FALL THAT FAR??”

"See. I told you all he hasn't changed."

His fingers gripped the crunching wood tighter, anxiety in his veins as he tried to still his thoughts.

"Stop distracting all of us with your useless worries!! You’re giving up before we even try!! You pushed me into this!! It does not mean ANYTHING!” 

"Doesn't it now, you wild animal. We are all going to end up dead to your hubris, just like my  _ father." _

Felix's harsh wit cut as brutally as his blades, leg crossed as he leaned back with a cold ferocity. A challenge. 

"I cannot change the past. I will not argue this. Not now. I did not choose for your father to do what he did and I will not stand for you throwing that on my head when we have more important things to discuss."

"Do you stand behind that, boar?"

Byleth reached over under the table to grip his leg; a silent reminder to keep his cool that was sorely welcome amidst his broiling frustration at his friend. The fear encroached on him once more, worrying that his best efforts meant nothing. That he would never be able to reconcile things or grow. Dimitri paused to calm himself, his eye clenched shut. He spoke slow and sure as his voice wavered, yet he would not relent.

"Felix. If you will not respect my authority or trust in my motives, then I will force you to leave for today." 

Felix balked at him for daring to speak up, a sneer across his lip as he processed the change of heart. From so many years ago, putting up with his snarky comebacks and not believing he deserved his respect, to now pushing back against him undermining all the work he had put in.

_ If my friend truly cares, he will know how important this is. _

A few heavy seconds ticked by, everyone's gaze flipping between the two before the swordsman just scoffed, slouching in his chair in resignation without a word as he crossed his arms. It may have seemed small, but standing his ground had been an impossibility before. Dimitri caught Byleth's subtle smile of pride from the corner of his eye as he regained his composure, knowing how difficult that simple command was for him. It would have been an impossibility for him to even attempt to hold his ground just two weeks ago. She would not let him forget that he should be proud of trying, no matter how clumsy the attempt came out in the end. The rest of the discussions went smoothly after that, everyone pitching in and giving timelines for when they could meet certain goals to ensure that their plans would meet the least resistance. 

Now it was just up to him to make peace with facing Cornelia once again.


	38. Chapter 38- Apprehension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it got out of hand lol  
juggling lots of characters tends to take up more time than solitary feral rat man 
> 
> Oh well, Annie time. SHES OUR GIRL!
> 
> മ◡മ

Later that week, Felix departed for his family estate with Sylvain to tie up loose ends and bury his father, leaving the rest of the Blue Lions to continue rallying forces under their banner without detection, asking for help with local factions that had been beaten down by the Empire during his five years of exile. Many of them came, curious and willing no matter their abilities. They were all gladly welcomed into the fold. Religious refugees, poor Faerghans, defectors who just wished to go back home, people who had once called Garreg Mach home who did not know it was safe yet. So Dimitri set about overworking himself to cover lost ground, looking over letter after letter tirelessly into the dead hours of the morning, the ache of his body calling him to rest while his mind would not settle. 

There was so much that could go wrong in Fhirdiad; the anxiety curdled his stomach, leaving Dedue’s wonderful flaky fish half eaten next to him by the quickly disappearing candle up in the makeshift offices. One misplaced order and everything could fall to pieces around them. Despite not wishing to allow himself a moment’s downtime as he worked through the overwhelming stack, his constitution had other plans. Slowly he drifted off in a doze, waking with a groan a short time later to see Byleth had passed out curled up near him as well, her own candle much fresher and the pile of stolen missives from his own stack half-finished next to her. She always looked so peaceful like this, the worries of the war a lifetime away as her face bore the softest of smiles. Dimitri risked it this time after having watched her like this once before; taking off his glove to gently brush over her cheek. Something small. Innocent. He knew he would do anything for her, even to this day. Even if what she wanted was something else entirely than he desired. 

_ All I can do is be a better man from now on, regardless of the outcome. It would dishonor the help you gave me to do otherwise. _

Pangs of bitter longing hit him after that, pulling his hand back with a dry swallow knowing that he had none to blame but himself. He couldn’t leave her in such a spot alone, no matter how safe the monastery seemed and besides, she deserved an actual bed to not wake more exhausted than before. Dimitri grabbed the pile of papers to steal them back from her, knowing his body had cut him off when his mind didn’t wish to as he rose from his chair and blew out her candle. A painful crack echoed through his spine from being hunched over so long. 

“Come now. This is no place to rest.”

Gently, he whispered to her in her sleep as he lifted her to his arms with a soft whine, cradling her as delicately as he could. She shifted with a groan, head dead weight against his chest as he was fully assured she had not stirred in the slightest. He chuckled as he walked down the abandoned hallways, lovingly held cargo not budging at all and even beginning to snore lightly once more. Those thoughts lingered once more in the dead air, coming down the stairs as smoothly as he could with no response from the woman in his clutch.

_ Gods, what a ridiculously heavy sleeper. I do not understand how she does it. This could be considered a superpower… _

_ Dimitri… are you sure she would be okay with this? _

_ Is this truly unbecoming of a prince to help his friend…? Just how much have I lost to time? _

_ Still. If someone were to see you- _

_ I cannot hear it right now. Please mind, let me be at peace. I am assisting her.  _

He tried to divert his thoughts away from lingering anxieties over judgments he knows would never come to pass with memories instead. A parallel to last time he held her like this, passed out in his arms after fusing with the goddess. So much had changed… he thought he lost her for good back then. Anxiety, panic as he rushed back, nearly dropping her in his rush with an insecure fearful grip, versus now. Still slightly anxious, but more sure of his touch, their bond. Yet she had never once rejected his companionship no matter the risks, no matter how sick he got. Another gift of hers he remained undeserving of. As they neared her room, he craned his neck down to kiss the crown of her head in reverence, taking solace in her smell as he had come to rely on its comfort over the week he spent in isolation.

"You really must stop overextending yourself, Professor…" he murmured into her soft hair, the burden she provided negligible with his crest as he stopped in front of her door, stirring her just enough to get her keys. She didn't fight him, mumbling and half reaching for the pocket of her shorts with a limp shrug. 

“Mmm...lef...si..de…”

Swallowing hard, he held his gentlemanly composure together long enough to dip his hand in to grab it, so close to her warm skin at her hip before finding two objects in her deep pocket; her key and a ring. Ignoring his found treasure he opened her door to lay Byleth down under the covers, brushing her hair back with a soothing touch. With every soft expression he saw from her like this, it became harder and harder to deny his wants. No matter how enticing the indulgence felt, he knew he had more important things to do. Despite how much it pained him, nothing could touch the agony he had just escaped from and he felt a miserable wretch feeling ungrateful for being given a second chance and still hoping for more. Before leaving he lingered a few selfish moments to pause and stare at the faint glint left in his hand. Pale purple stones and shining silver in a starburst pattern picking up the weak moonlight trailing in her window as his brutish fingers brushed over the delicate ring. 

A modest thing, but well-loved. Perhaps an heirloom. It looked brand new though...

_ Who was it from? Who was it for?  _

Dimitri knew there was no earthly way it could be intended for him. Not after how recent his recovery had been, nor his terrible treatment of her in his grief, nor its size. It looked like a woman’s ring that would barely fit his pinky. He knew her mind was anywhere but romance for all he had known of the oblivious woman considering the state of the world but his selfish mind wandered to fantasies much as he did back in the academy, holding it to his lips for half a second before shame overcame him.

That life is not for you. It's too late. Be glad for her companionship at all. 

_ Friend. _

Realizing that there was no way he could sneak it back on her person now that she had rolled over on that side as she snored again, he pushed it to some forgotten edge of her desk, hoping she wouldn’t realize he had seen it next to her key before he gently excused himself. 

_ “I will use you until the flesh falls from your bone. Are you not just as selfish as me? Kill me if you do not agree.” _

_ Maybe I meant the death part but the rest… why was I so foolish… _

The prince had to hold back tears staunchly on the short walk to his quarters, knowing he could never undo that damage. No matter how little he meant it or how little he understood what he was doing, it burned in the back of his mind. The flashback came suddenly and refused to let him go from its clutches before the sun rose once again on a restless morning. He barely slept, playing over and over in his mind all the ways he wished he could rewrite all the pain he had given her, fretting over things he could never take back and histories that could never come to pass. 

-

At lunch the next day, she greeted him with a nod and a smile, sitting across from Dimitri and immediately setting in on her food. It was the first time since his recovery that he had ventured to the dining hall on his own and the well-meaning smirks and overly enthusiastic greetings reeked of pity over such a menial task. With how badly his proper manners had been cast away while a homeless vagrant, he could hardly blame their shock but again felt it completely humiliating and unnecessary. The last thing Dimitri wanted was their patronizing attention. It did truthfully take some amount of bravery to face everyone and act as nothing had happened, but he knew over time it would become less of an issue and wished his allies wouldn’t unintentionally worsen it. He poked at his food, appetite still ruined after how badly he had neglected his needs before Byleth stilled and slowed her chewing across from him. 

“You okay?” 

Broken from his worries, he lifted his head quickly to nod. It was a stupid worry. He didn’t feel like explaining himself. 

“Just thinking over the day's plans. I still find myself forgetting things along the way.”

Speaking between loose bites of her steak and potatoes, she continued. Dimitri picked up his chicken wing to tear into it, determined to not make her worry as he gnawed at the thing like a greedy vulture. 

“Don’t worry. We have a whole army to help you remember.” 

Before he could answer, someone came behind him as he wiped the grease from his mouth on his sleeve. 

“Your highness,  _ please.  _ Mind your manners around others at least.” 

Gilbert sat beside him as Byeth rolled her eyes with a snort, continuing to eat just as voraciously as before. Something in that made him smirk, remembering how off-put he once was by her eating habits after the mock battle. He was simply amazed that such a tiny thing could pack away that much food, but now it seemed a welcome reminder that not everything had changed. Sure, he had only joined her in the simple debauchery of eating like a mindless beast, but what did it truly change? Just another simple reminder that he was allowed his humanity.

“We do not have time to fret over such useless things in wartime, now do we?” 

“Reminds me of the time I got scolded for not knowing how to eat around one of Jeralt’s clients growing up…” 

Dimitri was always delighted to hear her speak about herself, for it was such a rare treat. 

“Pray tell, I am curious.”

“It wasn’t a huge deal, but I got quite the bold stares from some minor noble over it. I don’t think I have ever seen a man’s jaw drop that far.”

Gilbert sighed heavily, watching his elbows intently as Dimitri ignored his chiding to lean in as Byleth’s expedition tale grew wilder. The older man’s stuffy nature was always something he had begrudgingly accepted, but lately, it seemed he had taken it upon himself to force their Prince to attention once more. Clearing his throat, he dabbed at his face with a napkin. 

“Prince Dimitri ought not to concern himself with such childish manners. He knows better than to leave food on his face in front of others.” 

Brow furrowed, Byleth licked sauce from her cheek with a plucky glance at her friend. 

“We are in the company of trusted friends, are we not? This is not some tense council that requires such constraints…” 

Despite his attempts to hold fast, he relented knowing that the knight would not care to budge without it being a huge deal first. Picking at his chicken half-heartedly now, Gilbert continued. 

“In all honesty, we have many things besides war efforts that demand your attention as well, your highness. Have you considered a prospective queen at all?” 

_ In the middle of war?? You have got to be kidding me.  _

“I had professed to you I would rather be dead not earlier this week. And you come to me with this. Do I have no agency in how  _ my  _ Kingdom should be led? What if I wish to remain single forever?” 

“Dimitri, you couldn’t! The line must continue!! I know of a few potential suitors for you to take that would probably help soothe the wound your abandonment caused.” 

Again, reminded that his body and soul were in service to others at all times. He winced away from the disgust of that statement and the implications behind it, partially realizing in that moment that part of his own hesitation over any depraved thoughts all these years was due to the outside pressure he received. Difficult to indulge when your every move was planned for you until you couldn’t even control your own emotions at all… he felt like a show pony once more and lost his voice, feeling so tiny and helpless once again after just last week he was able to stand up for himself. 

“Truly, is now the right time for this? I am uncomfortable with such matters Gustave please…” 

_ Why is it so disgusting of me to not immediately throw myself into a life of misery? _

Dimitri’s eyes flitted quickly across the table, his voice meek as he tried to seek comfort in his friend breaking her silence for once. Gilbert always seemed to defect to those above his station; that is unless they directly conflicted with how he felt things should be.  _ Proper knights, conduct befitting the royal family, honor, duty… blah… blah… _ Zoning out, he had not noticed he quit eating minutes prior until Annette joined them. 

“Whoaaaa, what have I walked into! I can leave if you want…” 

Gilbert ignored his own daughter begging for recognition to continue badgering Dimitri. All he could do was cast her a pitiful apology glance with a heavy sigh.

“Eventually, you will have to make a decision.”

_ Why does he insist on speaking over the prince he supposedly cares for on a consistent basis? I do not know who I want to be… or who I would wish to be with past the one person I ruined my chances with… You would likely reject my suggestions anyway. _

“Is siring an heir truly such a pressing matter?? We are at war!”

The food grew blander than tasteless if such a thing was even possible, till he was nearly disgusted at the smell of it entirely. He slowed, hands dropping to the plate before him as he started to numb out. _ Is this what healing is to be? Back to making others happy at my own expense… was he truly talking to women on my behalf already when he wasn’t even sure I still lived?? _

“Just let me know if you would like to see my shortlist of-”

Byleth cut him off rather rudely with a loud cough. It wasn’t as if he deserved any less. 

“Do you mind. You’re ruining my appetite, and haven’t even greeted Annette. I think there’s plenty of time to fritter over noble bullshit when the war is over, Gilbert.”

It wasn’t often that Byleth spoke at such lengths of her own accord, though it could not have come at a better time. Dimitri looked so relieved as she spoke up, his eye lighting up until Gilbert continued, pushing back stubbornly. That was it. Two people trying to talk him down from these obsessive nagging remarks was not enough to calm him down. Dimitri slammed the chicken bone down on his plate and left before he said something he would regret. Byleth joined him shortly after outback between the dorms and dining hall, sensing his distress.

“What is his deal?”

_ How am I supposed to reason out who I am or what I wish to do with my life if he immediately sets back in on this?? _

Distress painted his features as he glanced up at her on the bench by the tea gardens, holding back the worst of his fears so he wouldn’t lose his temper in public. He spoke, rubbing his hands over his face roughly to drag himself back to earth. 

“Gilbert. I... I do not like the way he talks to me. It makes me sick the way he stubbornly clings to the very conventions that ruined his life and destroyed me entirely.” 

She sat next to him with her hands between her knees, staring somewhere in the distance across to the slowly blooming flowers recovering from years of neglect. Much like the delicate blossoms in his soul, they too were entirely too sensitive to the harshness of the world while trying to fight and grow. Every cold evening threatened to make them curl inward and fall off the vine entirely before they even got their chance. Words fell from his lips before he could think, impassioned and laden with years of grief and lack of validation. That she wished to hear him out no matter the depravity or sorrow of his innermost worries brought him no small amount of relief. 

“They  _ LOVED _ my violence when they could control it. But as soon as I couldn't… I was a monster.  _ Evil. _ Perhaps teaching young nobles to fight before learning to read or love does more harm than good. I can only change so much in the way of tradition in my time...I know. But even so...”

He paused once more, nearly wincing away from the raw hurt at what Gilbert was too stubborn to realize. Despite their best efforts, the man was too set in his ways to do much but apologize to Annette probably and begrudgingly exist near her, never truly unpacking his own grief while piling on Dimitri’s without regard for the damage done.

“I apologize. I'm talking too much…. I..”

“Please, tell me more.” 

He lifted his head to see her eyes lit up, warming his heart and making his stomach flip before he shied away. It was almost too intimate. Swallowing hard, he couldn’t handle how brazenly open and overjoyed she seemed at such a silly vent from him, nor could he comprehend why it pleased her. Her hand fell to the bench between them, and he almost accidentally assumed it was an offer to reach out his own before holding back, the impropriety stifling his instincts once more.

_ A Queen… what a joke. She would never have me. Gustave would riot.  _

Annette happened upon them after giving up on talking sense into her old man. At least she of all people fully understood how absolutely infuriating it could be trying to reason with a brick wall.

"Ohhhhh he is so  _ frustrating _ !!! Prince I- Wait, no... Dimitri. I'm  _ so _ sorry you have to deal with my father like this. I've tried talking to him before and-"

"You are not beholden to his bad behavior, Annette." 

He cut her off as gently as possible, Annette staggering backward before realizing how worked up she had gotten already. An awkward smirk fell across her as she fidgeted in front of the two sitting on the bench.

"Err. Right. I just feel bad. You've barely recovered and he's already back to this  _ crap _ !" 

Byleth nodded in confirmation to her friend's assertions. 

"It's truly ridiculous, bothering you with all this in the middle of a war."

Dimitri, feeling self-conscious, tried to shift the focus onto Annette instead. He was always more happy to hear others' thoughts first and had enough of the direct talk of his own anxious future for one day.

"Actually, how are you faring now that Gustave has decided to stick by us once more? I know he did not treat you well for many a year." 

Her eyes lit up. 

"I! Well... He's still just as stubborn as ever. But I am trying your Highness I promise! I have faith that eventually he will understand me and stop running…" 

Their tiny friend stood uncharacteristically meek and withdrawn at that. Falling back on his first instinct, he comforted her.

"You are doing so much, Annette. Please don't fret over what you can't control." 

Something in that hit her deep, clenching her tiny fists as she gazed over at him slumped over next to the Professor with a fervor he was unsure how to read. 

"You know what! I bet if I land that job I want after this is all over I can stay near him with you two in the capital. That way he can’t take no for an answer!" 

Byleth piped up, a soft smile forming as she shifted her weight to lean forward on the bench.

"Oh, did you actually get that recommendation from Hanneman you mentioned?" 

Annette nodded vigorously, her orange hair bouncing as she became more animated again. Despite how hard things had been, Dimitri truly had missed being able to appreciate his friends like this. Even those he had difficulty understanding entirely like Gustave, he knew in his heart was just trying to do their best as well, no matter how misguided those attempts may be.

"He told me as soon as things settle down he would give me  _ glowing _ reviews!!! I just know this is a good plan, besides I could be near Mercie and Dedue there, and you too Dimitri and Prof-" 

She paused immediately, realizing she had misspoke and assumed their former teacher's plans. Byleth purposefully avoided his gaze after the comment, tone entirely too flat for the situation. Dimitri immediately knew after knowing her this long that it signaled her discomfort. Discomfort at being near him after the war, probably. Or being put on the spot.

"Well. We will see." 

"I'm sorry for that… We still have a lot of time to figure out things after all." 

It was only then that Dimitri snapped back from his worries to notice a blush across Byleth's face instead with mild confusion. What was with her reaction a moment ago, if not disgust at the idea of living near them all? Did she not wish to go back to the life of a traveling mercenary?

"Were you planning on moving to Fhirdiad? I had assumed it would prove far too cold for your tastes." 

“Guess we’ll find out in a few days.”

She ruffled her hair as she changed the subject to his further surprise, but she seemed intent on letting the issue die. He didn’t press it. Annie broke the silence once more, looking more nervous than before as she wrung her hands in front of her.

"Ohhh no… silly me, I'm sorry. It's nothing really! I need to stop jumping in excitement at every tiny opportunity I just really care for you all so much…"

"Do not apologize. Your unbridled enthusiasm is a boon in these dark times." 

He sat up and offered her his kindest smile. It truly was a gift to have such varied personalities at the monastery, all working together towards a common goal finally. Dropping his bitterness and pain was finally allowing him to see just how much good was around him this whole time. No matter how flawed each of them was, they all wanted a better way in the end. He was not the only one who had struggled, and hammering that reminder in his mind was helping a great deal.

"I am glad to hear your thoughts too Dimitri, no matter how silly you believe them. It's not silly to me, or to any of the rest of us... I still see you as my big brother of sorts, you know."

Hearing his friends' hopes and dreams did much for his spirit. Even if he faltered, they would not allow him to give up entirely ever again. 

  
  



	39. Chapter 39- Pitiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sothis above I am so sorry I have been hitting mental blocks like crazy. Enjoy some comforting fluff before Fhirdiad uwu

Nothing but the rush of the river and the humming of bugs penetrated Dimitri's thoughts just outside camp on their nights' stop before meeting up in Fraldarius lands. The last trickle of soldiers filtered back to their tents for sleep knowing what pressure lay in wait on the horizon. That pressure just bubbled up in Dimitri’s chest instead, leaving him with an empty stomach once more and nursing a hot cup of tea to try and settle his nerves, courtesy of Mercedes. So many things could go wrong; they did not know how many lie in wait, they did not know the state of the capital, they did not know what Cornelia would do if cornered... Byleth happened upon him under a tree a short distance from the others, and all he could do was hope he could conceal his fears from her. She had already done so much. As she plopped down he could tell she wasn’t in the mood for heavy discussion either. 

Images of his childhood kept flashing before him in horrid replays of varying degrees of despair and took all his mental strength to keep his mouth firmly shut and not speak truth to the lies his mind told him. He knew the second he started, the words would overwhelm him, and the thought of that disgusted him. So he just shoved his tea to his face instead, content to just sit in mutual solitude while they both stared out over the river in the chilly late spring air. Crickets drowned out any passers-by, allowing him a moment of meditation away from the pressure of his station. Byleth seemed content relaxing as well, laying back in the grass next to him with a heavy sigh as they both gazed up at the stars. It was soothing in many ways to simply exist in her presence, ever glad that she never felt the need to fill the air with useless chatter before he finally had a pressing question not related to his current worries and chose to break the silence himself.

“I know you were concerned with the weather, but are you doing alright? I promise it will not prove all that terrible at this time of year, even up in Fhirdiad.” 

She shook her head against the ground. 

“No, not yet. I may just need an extra blanket to sleep.”

“That can be arranged.”

Dimitri continued staring up at the stars for a short while, biting his lip and wondering whether he was pushing the issue too much with his next inquiry.

“Professor, I never had the fortitude to ask but… why did you choose my class? Above all the others had to offer, why bother with a wretch like me?”

A soft chuckle as she shrugged, finally sitting up as she spoke.

"I… don't know… For someone like myself, who was just seen as a means to an end, a tool, I was never given the space to _ be _ someone. ' _ Jeralt the Blade Breaker, and did you hear about the young girl with him?? They say she doesn't flinch when burning her enemies to ash! Unnerving…'" _A sad chuckle as she mocked the rumors over the years, continuing a beat later.

"I didn't think I had it in me to be anything more but you… when I met you… there was no pretense. You just wanted to know _ -me- _. You feel everything so intensely and that fascinated me as someone who had a difficult time expressing myself. It’s like you didn’t even think about it. It was just a natural extension. Genuine… for better or worse, you don't hide who you are. It drew me in."

In all the time he had known her, Byleth had never talked about her feelings as long as she did in this moment. Shocked that she was so forthcoming, and even more shocked that it was because she had so much to say about _ him… _Though his heart could not accept the possibility of what that could mean, he still found himself furiously blushing at her frank words as he turned to face her. It took him a few seconds before he could compose himself and remember he should answer, jaw snapping shut as he shook his head.

“Really? Through all my fumbling and self-doubt…” Dimitri spoke as his eyebrows raised in disbelief, but her gaze never faltered. 

“I never doubted you. You’re too strong to give up.”

She was probably right. 

Perhaps they were more alike in that regard than he previously thought. Despite his resolve to persevere, it was still quite difficult to find who he was or what he was now that he realized he had the power to do so. In the little things even. _ Especially _ in the little things. He had pushed down his wants so far he could not decide what animals he liked, or his favorite food, or his favorite fighting style, or what path to take walking to class, which weapon to bring that day or… _ well. Okay. I know what type of woman I like now at least, though I could never act on such. _ Even an admission to himself of that magnitude felt traitorous though, like he was betraying some unknown other by deciding on anything at all. Dimitri trusted her knowing that she had no pretense to hide behind, but it had always been this way for him. She didn’t wish to get close to him in hopes of currying favor or using his strength or station. After all they had seen, it would be disrespectful to her to not admit that she truly enjoyed his company, awkward and overbearing as it might be. At the very least, he knew she wouldn’t abuse his trust. What a welcome comfort in the face of such a staggering task as developing a personality at the ripe young age of twenty-three.

“Still, to find value in a mess like me even through all this. It is too heavy a weight to bear at times.”

“I think I was also hiding from a lot of things until recently as well… It is so much simpler when you don’t have to think about killing. I… was nearly frightened of myself. When Jeralt died... and when that sadness and shock burned away, all I was left with was rage. I didn’t know myself, couldn’t stop it from overwhelming me every time I stopped moving. I just wanted to see that bitch pay with her blood.” 

Hearing her swear startled him, though he couldn’t blame her. Byleth’s face twisted in pain for just a moment, clearly haunted by what she was saying. 

She squeaked, "When… when you said I was just as vengeful as you… I couldn't even deny it. I felt so sick for condemning you, even when I knew all you had been through…"

Dimitri felt a deep chill of shame run up his back, not even recalling his horrid words to her but somehow knowing that she wouldn’t lie about such a grave misstep. _ Was it when she shut me down during that one battle…? but never mind. It does not matter now. The damage is done. _ He could understand almost too well, having unintentionally separated from himself when he was forced to ruthlessly slaughter Imperials for so long that not thinking became the only way he could function. It hurt him to think that her whole life she had never known she could express herself, only to realize she _ could _ with something so painful as losing her only family too. Just like himself. Though twisted it was, he felt it bonded them at the time and was glad they had grown past it in some regard, though his feet were still tenuous on the ground now. But something inside him felt guilty for trying to latch on to that, dedicating himself to helping take down Kronya, finding some sick pleasure in her understanding the sickness inside him. Like he was somehow at fault for her rage as well, even though he did little to stoke those fires but support her.

_ How dare I, no matter my suffering… how could I with a straight face yell at her for that? _

"I understand that fear all too well, Professor. Handling pain like this… it is a struggle I never anticipated. Nearly harder than the initial loss. I cannot thank you enough for helping me.”

Byleth turned to him, soft contemplation in her eyes as she answered. “You helped me move forward again too. I… felt you were owed the same amount of care in return.”

“I do not believe I have earned it…” 

A pause as she let his words sit, glad that he was allowed his feelings around her at least with zero shame, good or bad. She must have sensed his hesitation, scooting closer to force his attention as she started once more.

"Dima…" 

That nickname was new... Almost reverent in tone. He could not stop a ridiculous blush from finding him, nearly losing her next words distracted by it as he gripped the mug in his hands.

"... how are you feeling. About this."

There was the discussion he had been distracting from. He considered hiding like usual, not wishing to burden her, but knew it wasn't wise to keep doing so even if it was easier short term. A heavy sigh as his mouth quivered, tensing his shoulders up and avoiding her eyes again as he spoke.

"Frankly, I'm terrified. I do miss home, but I have not been there since…." he paused again, staring at nothing. "I should be dead. I recognized many of the men who held me captive and tried to kill me when Dedue came to my aid. Men who helped raise me as a child. Had known me since before I held any memory at all. Their allegiance was so easily bought and that realization, it… I. It _ broke _ me. I meant _ nothing _ to them." He swallowed hard. "I know I am not alone now, but even so..." 

Byleth reached for his hand, breaking his iron grip on the mug to hold tight, not challenging his worries as he shook against her grip. The tears he had been failing to hold back fell. Dimitri set down his mug to cover his face before his voice broke in a pathetic whimper.

"_ Promise _ you won't leave me again." 

He cracked, feeling selfish for the request but needing even a loving lie to continue with the next day. Her fingers ran circles over the callouses across his knuckles, grounding him as best she could. Even that small act was enough to help.

  
"Nothing bad is going to happen. I _ swear _ it to you. Not even the goddess herself could stop me from standing by you, Dimitri."

-

The next morning was not as easy, though. Having marched the few hours up to Fraldarius territory before heading to the capital, Felix looked bitterly determined after finally believing the resolve Dimitri put forth was genuine. Despite that resolve, he had needed to step back from preparations to hide in the once-proud gardens of Felix’s estate, slowly neglected over the past five years in favor of keeping Faerghus from falling to the dukedom entirely. The large prince slumped over himself on a bench to gather his thoughts before rejoining the efforts before noticing Byleth nearby. Her voice was low, reassuring.

"Dimitri. I know. I know you are scared." 

"SCARED??? I'M  _ PETRIFIED _ . DO YOU… DO YOU  _ UNDERSTAND… _ .  _ How much _ I scrutinize my  _ every _ move now, paranoid beyond any reasonable doubt that the slightest slip up will leave me _ just _ as angry as before, and I will be a lost cause for good???"

The worst part of Dimitri's madness is, there was a truth hidden under the bitter fear and rage at the very core of it. Things had deteriorated for him as far as they did almost entirely because the paranoia and voices echoed the real world. Distorted. Misguided. But a tragic ring of realism humming underneath it all. His family  _ was _ slaughtered in front of him. The organization Edelgard now worked with  _ was _ behind it. Cornelia  _ was _ part of it as well, even if he knew not when she had joined. His step-sister  _ was  _ conspiring with those responsible, even if she had not directly called for the regicide after all. Perhaps that is why abject reality seemed so difficult to separate from his worries. Cornelia  _ had _ beaten him,  _ had _ followed him,  _ had  _ sent soldiers to reclaim her lost "property". The psychosis was simply an added layer to the pile of pain he was under, and one so well integrated that he never fully recognized its passing. He most likely would not understand what had gone wrong with his head in those years for another lifetime, but it mattered little if it meant losing the now. 

"...I’m petrified that this time. This time I will prove them right."

But Cornelia had no power over him now.

"Anger itself is not evil, it's how you respond to it that matters."

"I… gods." he had gotten quite worked up, nearly screaming at her and feeling a hairbreadth away from breaking down into sobbing at the overwhelming frustration. "I am sorry. Truly."

"She deserves your measured wrath. Let yourself feel it, but don't lose yourself. Trust me, all of us are going to be there to help. I won't let you fall."

"Cornelia will pay. I am not the only one who has suffered by her hand." 


	40. Chapter 40- Rended

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hope yall are doing ok

The Professor was right once again; running from the breadth of his emotions would do just as much damage as losing himself to them. He needed awareness, channeling it correctly, letting himself feel things without shame before acting. But as they approached his home, the mixture of nostalgia and fear proved such a bad combination that he was jittery beyond reason, and he could hardly hold steady as their pitiful army rolled up to the front gates of his home. It wasn’t like he had much choice than to face his fears. This was the first time since Gronder that he had raised his lance against another, and despite not being excited at the prospect he was at least glad that the voices hadn’t come back yet. Now all he could hope for was the strength of his allies being enough to match their optimism this day.

Home. 

“Fhirdiad. It has been a lifetime since I was here last.” 

Dimitri swallowed hard before continuing. 

“I killed soldiers from my homeland, stole weapons from their corpses, and made my escape, soaked in their blood… to think this is how I would return to the city of my birth, after all that has happened...” 

His tone was somber, a chill running down his spine throwing him off for a second as he thought about it. Her soft voice cut through his reminiscing.

“I am proud of you.” she replied.

His shoulders slumped with a heavy exhale while they continued the short march into position. 

“I do not deserve that. If not for you or Rodrigue, I would still be lost… I am glad to have you at my side. From the bottom of my heart… I am forever grateful.”

All he took was a single moment to face her with all the sincerity he could muster, but it was all he needed. This was no time for sitting in that pain, not if they wished to make decent progress on the main square before being intercepted. Their plan was simple. They had a defector willing to drop the side gate, and he was confident the dukedom would have not but a few hours warning that anyone would even be at their doorstep before they knocked it down. Cornelia would not have had time to call in reinforcements from the dukedom’s flimsy supporters, and he knew it would prove a clean and easy win provided their heavy hitters pulled through, save facing the figurehead herself. That witch would prove unpredictable to the end, and he knew it. No doubt she would attempt some petty underhanded emotional ploy after seeing how much it ruined him last time she had him in her slimy grasp.

“Let’s win this, Professor! Let’s all make it out alive and celebrate our victory!”

A resolute nod in reply was all he needed. Their two battalions sat at the ready to split as soon as that gate dropped he glanced over. Byleth stood not a few feet away, steadfast as always, leading one half of the charge, ethereal and strong. Dimitri inhaled as he readied himself, and feeling her eyes on him, turned to watch as she gave him the widest smile he had ever seen from her. Somehow despite the risks he knew it would be okay as he howled the order to move forward to the rest of their jittery allies. 

“I give you but two commands: stay alive, and follow your heart. The gates are open. It is time to take back our home!!” 

The battle proved mostly straightforward and Dimitri held fast to his emotions; at the very least being on his home turf meant he knew exactly where to go if he needed to duck out of the way of prying eyes on their way forward. The streets lay mostly empty, as it seemed all life had been sucked from the very stones of the capital. All the vibrancy, all the optimism, all the growth his father had fostered. Destroyed. Along the way, scattered corpses of regular citizens strewn about, chilling him to the bone as Mercedes willed silent prayers of peaceful rest in passing. 

Ashe proved endlessly useful in cutting down waiting watchmen, bored and half asleep on the job as arrows cut their weak life short with ease. A guard here, a guard there, taken down quickly. Dimitri ended all he had to as mercifully as he could, quick stabs to make their suffering short. He did blame these people for supporting her tyranny, and Edelgard’s by extension, but he doubted many of these laymen knew the true depths of their corruption. Perhaps they held to willful ignorance so long as they benefited... But that meant his people continued to suffer worse and worse ills at their hands, so he weighed their lives as a worthy sacrifice for more innocents in his homeland to have a chance at happiness. Areadbhar glided through their flesh like butter, but he took no pleasure in it. Until Cornelia showed herself, all was fine, at least outwardly. 

“What an inconvenience you’ve proven to be, little Princeling.”

Just as disgusting and bitterly twisted as before she stood, blocking him from  _ his _ home. It chilled him to the bone, that smirk on her features not betraying the rage he knew lay just under the surface. The rage that left it’s indelible mark on his form, now giving him the emotional strength to finish things once and for all.

“Cornelia… I will not lose. I _ swear  _ it by the blood in my veins.” 

“Well. Let’s see how you fare against my lovely Titanus then.”

A sick chuckle as she retreated once more to a landing far ahead in front of the castle as a horrifying rumble echoed through the city streets to either side of their troops. Ingrid cried from above, flying further down in a rush. 

“Those things!! They aren’t beasts, your Majesty!!” 

“What are they, then??” he demanded.

“It’s some sort of machine!! They have giant shields. I can only assume it’s powered by her dark magic, but I do not know for sure.” She was frantic, pegasus whinnying in protest at the crunching and shaking around as she tried to steady her. 

“That  _ bastard…  _ just what has she done to my city!!!” 

Mercedes’s hand at his shoulder did a great deal of good to ground him, as did Ashe words of support. 

“Look, Dimitri! Professor isn’t far from here, perhaps we can link up with them and think of something else.” His shaky voice pointed across the way as Dimitri strained to see where he was pointing.  _ Leave it to the archer to have far better eyesight than the rest.  _ Finally, the other squad ran in to view, and all seemed in good health past Felix holding his arm defensively. 

“Byleth! Those machines!! Do you have any-”

“Yes. Felix attempted to attack one on our way over, only to have his magic spell rebuffed. Safe to say we will have to single them out one by one and perhaps all just stick together if we are to have a chance at this.”

She was winded, but just as determined as ever. He had a solid plan, and one that would hopefully accommodate all of them as he knew a side passage leading right up to where Cornelia cowered in wait. They could avoid the bulk of those horrifying things Cornelia had called in with the bottleneck, cornering just the single one they could hope to gang up on. As Mercedes tended to their swordsman, they traded info quickly on their way. 

“I believe there is a passage to the right side we can all fit through, if that is alright. The rest of those accursed machines should be rendered useless if we cut down the one commanding them. Let us take them down quickly and avoid needless bloodshed.”

“This is  _ your _ army, Dimitri. Lead on.” Byleth nodded resolutely, giving him the permission to take control of what was rightfully his. It wasn’t anything he didn’t know, but being told so was a reassurance he didn’t take lightly.

-

“I had a feeling you would come back for more.”

“After you set me up like that? What else do you expect, Cornelia!!”

She laughed, apparently finding destroying his life and home an absolutely  _ hilarious  _ little game. 

“Oh! I had forgotten all about that! Your pathetic uncle died like a sniveling  _ worm _ , after all. I just wish you had done the same.” 

His voice was hoarse with rage. None of his allies dared deny him his hurt, knowing just how deep it ran. 

**“I will kill you, you ** ** _monster_ ** **. You will pay for all the people you have hurt with ** ** _every last drop_ ** ** of your disgusting, ** ** _selfish_ ** ** blood!!” **

“You know, I’m beginning to understand why that step-mother of yours hated your guts so much, Princeling. So foul.” 

It was insulting of Cornelia to recycle the exact same insults she lobbed at him in captivity. 

They were not words he hadn't already heard before, but for some reason the pain behind them shattered him all the same, like all his hard work the past month was for naught. He was still so fragile that it took very little for that crawling disgust in black poison to creep through him once more. Those long lost voices chanting a screeching call to drain her blood. 

“I should have just let you and your little step sister kill each other, this is far too much trouble.” she scoffed loudly, heels clacking towards him.

_ Tear her apart, Dimitri. Take her disgusting head. DO IT. SHE DESERVES IT. DESTROY HER LIKE SHE DESTROYED YOU- _

_ But what would that solve?  _

Her words played on repeat, a sick mockery of the torture she put him through. A bloated, disgusting display of her avarice and greed for the entire kingdom to see. A tiny part of him tried to fight it, but knew it was a losing battle as he shook with anger. Their taunts and jeering made so much sense… and… his father once more. He missed him, even if it burned his soul to think of it and rose the hackles of fear down his spine. Their commands rang in his ears muffled, lacking the original clarity they had gained after the mask fell in the tomb. Yet he understood their cries nonetheless as his chillingly dead voice rumbled through the air between him and his aggressor. 

“You disgust me. Give it up or I will be forced to unleash my rage.” 

“Now now, little princeling. You know I can’t do that…” 

Dimitri’s one good eye twitched, the dripping air of conceit relishing all of her speech with condescension doing little but reminding him exactly why she was loathed as strongly as she was. 

_ Patricia hated you. Everyone hates you. Disgusting beast. If you kill me, you prove them right, Dimitri. Nothing but a wild boar. _

But he couldn’t listen any longer, no matter his doubts. It was over quickly, her feeble attempt to shock him dodged in a spin before he slashed a few times, cutting in on her before she could put up much of a fight. While her beaten head bowed on a shaky knee, ragged breaths left her as she uttered her last words. 

“Just so you know, the Tragedy was Patricia’s doing. She hated you enough to sacrifice them all to escape this shit hole. I made her wish come true, at the cost of your family. I hope you’re happy w-”

Reflex kicked in and cut her short before she could spew any more venom at him. As Cornelias head rolled free of her body, it landed with a sick thud, echoing through the streets with finality. The fighting stalled to a halt. The head of the snake was severed, and thus the meager troops remaining saw little reason to continue, falling to their knees and dropping their weapons in surrender. Dimitri didn't notice any of it. Didn't take any joy in watching her features twisted in rage or shock before she was no more. Didn't feel a weight lifted. 

He felt nothing but shame. Lip in a sneer, floating somewhere far away where the pain couldn't touch him. He had desired nothing more than this moment for years and now… it rang as hollow as the clang of Areadbhar crashing to the stone below as his grip faltered. All he could do was hope that her blood soaking into the stone beneath his feet wouldn’t permanently poison it with her inhumanity. Duscur certainly had no hopes of that ever washing away. Not now.

Byleth's steady hand was at his shoulder. He barely noticed. 

"I think I need to be alone."

She nodded.

"You can go, if you want. We have it from here. Dedue smashed in the front door of the castle with no small amount of glee, by the way. It's empty." 

A simple kindness, knowing he couldn't handle any more that day. His brain was fried. All Dimitri could do was nod his heavy head, pick up his spear and lumber away from the gruesome scene. Revenge was a cruel gift to take.

-

The silence was deafening in his home later that evening, his boots echoing far more than he remembered as he stalked in a daze hours after they had finished Cornelia off. Everything was so familiar but so,  _ so _ painfully different as well. Dimitri realized this was the first time it had been truly silent in the castle. The weight of knowing he had none to blame but himself for any mistakes from this point bore down on him as he avoided the company of his allies to go down a neglected wing. The weight of knowing he held onto the grief of a liar this whole time. No matter those voices sway on him under duress, that blood was on his hands. He just wished they hadn't abandoned him when he needed their comfort instead of their torment. 

Dimitri found his feet dragging him towards what he had avoided for many a year, and in that the fear of stirring up old wounds resurfaced. They had simply stopped using the king's wing in the interim as only Dimitri's room saw any company after the Tragedy. The voices grew louder when he would approach after Duscur, and so he found himself avoiding the inevitable. Put it off. Wait till you have to, graduate and take the throne. His uncle lived elsewhere acting as reagent and nobody had any reason to tell the young prince otherwise that his avoidance was bad. His father still lingered in the corners and cracks far too much for it to not spook him. Still, his feet carried him forward despite that. 

So it was to his surprise that he found the door to the royal suite cracked open, and upon pushing it open with a creak startled the trespasser. A clatter as he turned to find Byleth standing there like a little woodland creature caught in a trap, mouth agape and eyes wide as she stood by a tray that was dumped at her feet. His heart clenched tight, rushing over to grab her wrist and take the delicate brooch in glittering blue and gold from her hand as he shook.

"Don't  _ touch that. _ "

Realization hit a moment later as her shock turned to fear, unintentionally towering over her against the armoire. The hurt in his eyes melted immediately, gingerly taking his father’s gift from Patricia back from her as he realized it was useless to care about a hunk of loveless metal. His gloved thumb brushed over the large gem, shining bright as the emblem of Loog adorning half the halls around them. Lambert was not prepared to die on that trip, as evidenced by how unfinished everything here looked. 

“I suppose there is no reason for me to protect gifts from a traitor.” 

“I’m sorry, Dimitri… I didn’t mean to disturb anything special. It just looked pretty.” 

“Like many a useless thing does.”

He chuckled sickly before hefting his step-mother’s gift at her mirror with a loud crash, pieces of the ornate garbage flying forward into the room at the impact. Byleth flinched away from the sudden anger, but didn’t chastise him. It did little to soothe the pain of being reminded that bitch never truly cared for him at all, but it did feel momentarily good to let go. She took everything from him without remorse, and all he could do was whine about how much he missed her after all that… Maybe he could misbehave a little bit. 

“You know, I haven't been in here since…” 

She didn’t have to finish his sentence. Her hand reached forward to ease him softer before holding him close around the waist. Slowly, Dimitri lowered a hand to her shoulder, glad for the gentleness.

“I guess I should be grateful Cornelia left Father's things untouched. I feared that letting go of my anger would let go of my grip on Father as well and that I would lose everything I remember along with it.” 

Byleth clenched tighter at him, muffling her face in his cape as she answered him.

“Jeralt... He is fading for me as well. I can’t imagine how much you must miss them… to want to hear them so badly that you…” 

_ Bits and pieces of father filter through my troubled mind.  _ _ Hopefully someday I can trust myself without judgement but at the time… at the time I just needed someone who understood. The harder I grip it, the more it slips through my fingers... _

“Are you afraid of losing your father for good?” her question was gentle.

“All of them, but yes. Even Patricia, though it stings me now. I.. can't remember his laugh any longer.” 

His face fell to the ground, pushing away from her to hold his head in his hands and slump over in a dusty chair with a groan. His father’s laughter; ringing free through the halls as Dimitri’s tiny hopeful feet pattered towards the entry when he would come home, but now it was garbled. Faded. The exact pitch and tone that drew him to that thread was a missing black gap. Lost to time, just like so much he would never get back. A hand moved to his furrowed brow as he grasped for the thin air where his memories once lie, hating himself for his cowardice. Byleth finally clicked her mouth open, nodding her head at the ground. He could only assume she was as lost in memories as he.

“Stopping yourself from moving on doesn't bring them back. I’m sure you understand that now. I know it doesn’t help much, but… I don’t know. Sorry.” 

She moved across from him, leaning forward as she gingerly sat down. After his upset earlier, it seemed she didn’t want to ruin anything special to him in this space. It was a small thing, but helpful in his current state. Nothing made sense any more, as if he was trapped between the painful realization that all his happy memories were a farce, and the sting of loss as the bits of strings that once tied him to his father degraded along with the sun faded tapestries sagging behind her. The air hung dead around both of them, naught but his heavy breaths stirring the dust on every conceivable surface. 

"I had nothing to fill the void. I was so alone. So cold. Everyone just looked at me with pity…. nobody offered help. Dedue and I only had each other, and he was kept from me half the time at first. His soul… wasn’t burned like mine in those flames. It shut me off for so long, all I knew was at least my family understood and loved me. So I clung to that. If I could… If I could make them happy it would be okay. But things just got worse and worse and and-"

As his words fell from his distraught lips, she fidgeted with knees held tight, wringing her hands over them before cutting him off.

"Your childhood… really wasn't as nice as people try to tell you, was it?"

He stopped, lifting his heavy head from his hand.

"What do you mean. I'm a prince."

It was an automatic response from someone else’s mouth. Some part of him knew she was right, but he had been told to be grateful for so long it felt a slap in the face to admit otherwise. Byleth waited quietly while he hid his face in his hands before he spoke again.

"Maybe you're right _ . 'I would kill to have what you have, you are rich and powerful and have people waiting on you hand and foot and…’  _ and- _ " _ '

Reaching across the small space over the table, she put a soft hand on his knee and just waited. He started after a short while, numb and replaying bits and pieces as they flashed back at him. Arrows in his heart, boots to his face, lances to his self-esteem.

"’_You're such a brat. It should be me there, not some stupid kid. Maybe I'll kill you, now that my brother is out of the way… oh you'll be fine. Its just snow. It's a traditional training exercise. Kill a bear. What do you mean you're scared. Don't you want to make them happy? Just do it. Kill the bear. Then you can come home. Do it quick before you lose your toes. Haha. Funny joke. Oh God you freak you killed it. What did it feel like hearing the sick crack as you broke it in half like a twig, boar. Leave me alone you clingy baby, I just want my baby girl and you aren't her.. I don't care, I'm not your real mom.. Oh you're fine right. Stop crying. You're lucky to be alive. It's just some nerve damage, it shouldn't affect anything. You'll heal, then we need you to go kill people if you really want that crown you idiot. Your country needs you. Kill for us. Be strong. But not in that way, you monster. You have to do what we want, in the way we want it or you're a failure. Bad Prince. Crazy Boar. Shut up and deal with it rich baby._’”

Byleth swallowed hard, waiting for him to break from his reverie and look at her. Her grip tightened, and he finally raised his sad eye to her once more. She looked heartbroken, and he worried he had gone a step too far before she spoke again with a shaky voice.

“Dimitri… you know you can change all this now, right? If you told Gilbert to shut up forever, he would have to listen.” She laughed at that, probably remembering just how foolish Gilbert had been acting in the last few weeks, annoying not only the two of them but everyone else with talks of honor and duty. “Your friends respect you and I know they would be overjoyed to learn you are living for yourself now. Start small I guess. What is one thing you want,  _ right now. _ What would make you feel better?”

Byleth seemed earnest, trying to get his mind off of how helpless he once  _ was _ to instead give him some help  _ now. _

“ _ Anything _ ?” Dimitri felt like a little boy.

“I mean, obviously we have limited resources at the moment, but I will try. What would you like?”

She nodded and smiled at him, just now realizing he was crying and had probably yelled at her just replaying years of pain as tears. It wasn't aimed at her, but he shied back anyway. Asking her for anything now was too much. He yearned  _ so _ badly for closeness.  _ But that's selfish _ . 

_ I'm going to do it anyway. _

"Byleth… I… is it too much to ask just for you to stay with me for a while?”


	41. Chapter 41- Misgivings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DEDUE LOVE!!! And fluff... because. Because fuck it. They deserve it.

Heavy feet took him through the garden plaza behind the main suite on a crisp early morning a few days after their success in the capital. There wasn’t much to clean here compared to the rest of Fhirdiad, but since he had proudly proclaimed his plans the night they retook the castle, more and more people filtered back to their abandoned homes to restore what was lost. His boots crunched over crumbled stone upended at odd corners from neglect before he finally found his dear friend Dedue. Slumped over the edge of a railing, armor had been discarded for comfort as his hands dug in the rocky dirt before him. He knew this spot well.

“Your garden…”

Destroyed. 

Dimitri fought so earnestly for his friend to have the right to tend to a small section in the royal garden when first he came, and it had flourished so wonderfully under his thumb. It seemed that for all the unwarranted hatred lobbed at the innocent child for his homeland alone, Dedue channeled it into soothing the ills with something that couldn’t hurt him in return. He often used the spices grown there in dishes he shared with Dimitri while they snuck away for day trips in the wilderness, and despite his lack of taste Dimitri still fondly remembered it anyway, knowing they were laden with love. Seeing a barren, weed overgrown plot where once was life… they had sacrificed so much for Edelgard’s war that wasn’t quantifiable.

“There is little to be done. Amongst the lives lost, this was just a silly past time.” his friend shook his head. Dimitri knew it was anything but a silly thing to him.

“...But it  _ was _ important to you.” 

“All I can do is replant next year.” Dedue remained calm as ever, but his choice of words did little to conceal his true sorrow. He crushed a rotted vine in his grasp.

“You know, my dear friend. I have long known of the rage you hold deep inside for the tragedy as well as I… but I cannot help but wonder why you did not crumble under its weight like I did.” Dimitri mumbled. 

Ever unable to stop from ruining the mood, Dimitri spoke with a frown as he leaned against the banister to watch his large friend pluck more refuse with a delicacy that to anyone else would seem unbefitting his size. 

“I do not believe any of us can choose our fate, in large part. You can say you have power over the Gods' will if it brings you peace at night, but in the end what does it change? Spring will come again. Nothing is ever meant to stay forever, pain nor joy."

Dedue raised his sad eyes to the sky, somewhere else unknown to his friend before speaking once more. 

"Your empathy overwhelmed you in Duscur, I believe. Your brain refused to accept the love in front of you because it was too heartbroken over what it lost. Even if that empathy caused you to reach out to one such as I… I understand why you felt the way you did all this time.” 

Dimitri sighed. Guilt rose high in his chest. Shame at his cowardice. Embarrassment at his heart, shamelessly bared on his open chest for all to embrace or judge as they will. If only he hadn’t closed himself off to the breadth of human experience for all that time, only accepting the cruelty thrown at him…

“I do not wish for pity at my failings... But on another note... I have a request.”

Dedue perked up at that.

“It is the Professor’s birthday soon and… I want to make it up to her... I want her to know I’m trying and I appreciate her help while I was unaware. I am… ashamed. For how much I put you all through.”

“Do not be ashamed. None of us helped you out of obligation. We care for you deeply, we believe in your vision for the future, and I personally want to see you succeed and right the wrongs done by this cruel world. To this day, I still hate Faerghus, not just for what they did to me, but for what they have done to you as well. It could be a proud nation someday, but as it stands you have a lot of work ahead of you. I am proud to stand by you and give you the strength needed... Of course I will help you.”

There was a long silence as he mulled over all Dedue said. He was right, in many respects. The grief of his people, aimed at the wrong targets all this time, accomplishing little but adding more pain to the pile. People, lashing out at each other and burning everything in their wake, a sad reflection of his own shame. He didn’t want that to be his legacy. He wanted to heal. 

“It’s. Flowers. I was hoping for some uh, flowers. I’m so sorry I was powerless all those years ago. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how hard things have been for you as well. I want you to stand beside me proudly as a friend and trusted ally, and have the people respect that as well.” 

This was the best person he could think of to ask, due to how much he trusted his companion and due to his prosperous green thumb. He knew this was exactly the sort of activity Dedue would love to bond with as a means of reestablishing what they once held dear. He paused. Embarrassment choked him as he hid his face in the ground. His friend was graceful enough to allow him that bit of space as he turned back to his tiny plot while Dimitri spoke again.

“I want her to be proud of me. I want  _ you _ to be proud of me! I- I want many things I probably don’t deserve.”

Immediately, Dedue answered.

“There is no deserving. Use the power you were lucky enough to get handed to make things right.” 

Dimitri wanted to cry.

“Can… we start with giving the Professor a fitting thank you then?”

“Of course, my friend.”

A warm smile spread across Dedue's face. Dimitri could hardly stop himself from crashing into his friend’s arms and crushing him half to death, and the soft chuckle he got in response as Dedue’s strong hand clapped him back reassured him that the soft intimacy of two friends moving past their pain together was entirely welcome. 

“Now, let us go. I don’t wish to be late to the hearing I set up, after all.”

-

After finishing his duties at midday to the people filtering back to the capital with urgent needs, Dedue and Dimitri walked through the halls lazily back to the personal quarters unsure what to do with the rest of the day. Until they ran into Byleth, that is. She looked hopeful and curious as she asked how their morning was, but Dimitri found himself distracted by how adorable she was for what was probably an uncomfortable amount of time. It wasn’t her usual attire, but the simple floral sundress she wore was a welcome change. It seemed to be of Annette or Mercede’s doing, lovely toned shoulders on display for once as he had to dash his fast blinking before embarrassing himself staring at her. She gracefully ignored his bold staring, if she noticed at all.

"Hello you two. How did it go?"

"It went well, I think." Dedue responded.

He nodded politely at her, his small smile reassuring before Dimitri cleared his throat heavily and focused again. 

"I heard everyone out, as promised. They seemed beyond grateful that I would even meet with commoners and I was able to assure and motivate a few to go home and prepare further with a concrete plan. I.. I could see the hope in their eyes. They've been ready for a while. I'm going to do my best to make things right, no matter how many years this takes."

Before he had finished speaking, she was smiling broadly up at him, a wide warm smile full of teeth and glee. That was finally enough to entirely ruin his train of thought, losing the words in a slurry as they left him.

"I...am… uh. Hope...ful…that..."

He had the inexplicable urge to kiss her squishy cheeks, holding back when he snapped free of his reverie remembering they were still in the company of his best friend who was now very suspicious of him blushing like a fool. This new attire was doing little to help his focus, and he couldn't quite tell if it was divine luck or wrath that brought her sweet beauty into such sharp focus this day. He felt like a school boy once more, under the heavy eye of scornful judgement for his selfish proclivities. But no… it was just her, ever earnest with her confusion at his reaction and patiently waiting on his every word. Any judgement here was self inflicted, try as he might to dash the flush giving him away.

"I cannot thank you all enough for the support. I haven't felt this…  _ happy _ since I was a boy."

Her face sobered immediately. 

"We will make it, I know. Well… at any rate. Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?"

He jumped on that offer, having mulled over the idea and unsure if she would be willing until just now. His worries over overstepping his bounds were dashed long enough to ask when she put forth the words he had hoped for, but he wondered if he could even maintain the thin cover of friendly distance in the face of her adorable charms in that damned dress. What a silly problem to hang over him, after all he had been through...

"Actually, if you will humor me, I would love to show you around town. Dedue, would you care to join us as well?"

She seemed utterly enraptured by the idea, eyes twinkling with the thought of a new adventure where they both could relax. His friend shook his head, a deep baritone echoing off the walls. 

"I apologize, I made plans with Ashe already. I was going to show him the kitchens here properly.”

"No worries, my friend. It brings me joy to see you branching out like this. Please enjoy yourself."

Dedue bid him well with a knowing smirk, posture far looser than last he recalled walking these halls with him so many years ago as he went his own separate way. His Duscurian companion was treated less like a bitter obligation to the castle's help with each step down these halls, more sure of his belonging despite how outsiders may judge. Especially now that Dimitri had the power to spur real change, changes that would make such pains a fading memory if all went well. A pause, and he turned to face her once more.

"If I may, could I change first? I could not stand the attention this conspicuous attire would bring." 

She clapped a hand on his armored bicep, chuckling and turning to walk in the direction of the main hall. 

"Alright. I will wait near the gates."

He couldn't help but stand transfixed as he watched her go, hair bouncing with each step. He found his mouth dry before breaking from his reverie to run and grab something more suitable. Maybe this was a bad idea.

-

As they wandered down to his favorite shop in hopes it was open, the weather turned a touch colder, soothing his now freed bits of skin under his loose top and cloak. Dimitri was never fond of showing skin, but he was glad for the freedom plains clothes afforded him as they walked together. The chill wind in the early summer air did little to deter him, but he made sure to keep a close eye on Byleth with her thin dress clinging to every battle honed curve. They neared the fabled sweets shop in silence, happening upon Annette and Mercedes with their arms blessedly full of those goods he was hoping lay in wait. 

_ Thank the goddess one thing works in my favor. _

"Oh, hello your highness!!! Can you believe this place was open already??" 

Annie bounced with joy seeing them. Mercedes smiled widely, in awe over Byleth's attire.

"I see my dress fits you well!! I'm so glad, Professor!"

He ushered the Professor in before him and held the door for the rest of his companions. Shop was set up again, sure, but its once quaint decor was missing and the menu was haphazardly slap-dashed together and quite sparse compared to what he remembered. Still, a small joy and an excellent bakery he was all too happy to support however he could. Byleth didn't seem bothered in the least, trying to read the offerings available as he conversed with his friends.

"Hello Annette, I must admit I am rather surprised they have recovered this space in just a week!"

Mercie hummed happily. "Annie was just too excited to wait…"

She blushed at that, shuffling her feet. 

"Errr, yeah…. you know me. I can't ever stop gabbing about this place!!" 

"I can hardly blame you… I missed it as well. Professor, have you found anything to your liking? My treat."

She turned to face him, seemingly still undecided with a shake of her head.

"I can recommend the chocolate coronet, if that is to your liking? They are rather good, and the filling is incredibly creamy." Turning to his friends, he prodded again while Byleth thought. "So, what are you two up to this fine day?"

Mercedes winked.

"We were talking about  _ boys… _ "

Byleth perked up, looking confused at that before tugging on Dimitri’s sleeve gently to point at what she wanted. Mercedes just giggled, licking her fingertips clean of some powdered sugar. 

"Ah goddess, it's almost like I'm back at the monastery with this talk... Some things never change I guess." Byleth shook her head as he turned to order, tipping far too generously before turning with a curious tilt of his head.

"What do you mean, talking about boys? Do you have your eye on someone?"

Mercie winked, giggling mischievously.

"Wouldn't you like to know, Dimitri."

"Yeah!!! Girls only!!!"

Annette protested heartily, grabbing her friend's arm. He was taken aback for a second before realizing it was in jest, shaking his head with a chuckle. Byleth seemed more intrigued by the sweet he ordered for her, grabbing the treat presented to the two of them and immediately digging in with unrestrained glee.

"My apologies. If you would like some time with them, I am perfectly content meeting up later Professor?"

"Uh… sure. I guess they won't take no for an answer. Sorry..." 

She tried to talk around crumbs of flaky crust, and it took everything in him to not laugh as he moved to brush her cheek clean before checking himself. 

"Oh! I didn't mean to ruin your date!!! We will be quick, I  _ swear!"  _ Annie frantically tried to cover for the change in plans, but Dimitri was just shocked into silence at her  _ other _ choice words.

"Date???"

Byleth always was too kind to turn anyone down, shrugging as her friends dragged her away with Annette's defiant tongue stuck out in spite of him even attempting to push his way into their girly gossip time. 

_ So much for an afternoon with her, I guess… it seemed too good to be true.  _ He bit his lip with a sigh of resignation, shoulders wilting as he wandered away alone again.

"Very well…" 

Perhaps it was for the best he get some space from her. Clear his head. Hoping for too much had always been his downfall, and he had done an awful lot of hoping lately. Enough hoping that it set his nerves on edge, and despite finding solace in Byleth's company he awaited the inevitable let down that was his life. He was never allowed comfort and happiness for long. It was too dangerous a dream, as he was constantly reminded by fate. He had ached for such things with her for such a long time, despite always turning into nightmares by his malicious brain as soon as his eyes closed. Her, twisted underneath him, in pain, struggling, dying, choking in his overbearing grasp. Dimitri has always been too much for others. Too sad. Too intense. Too angry. Too needy. Even though he had come so far, hoping for anything more than plain old contentment in a base level of pain he was used to seemed a fool's errand. 

Other than worries that he was overbearing, his heart was at rest for the first time in ages. His feet took him slow and steady over streets he knew well. The lovely matching wrought iron fencing around the housing in the proper old district had remained intact, even if the gardens therein had fallen into neglect. Maybe Dedue was right. Nothing stays the same forever. Things could change.  _ He _ could change. He pondered over how much he was truly doing to make that happen as the plaza opened on another wide marketplace, haphazardly set up with hopeful faces wanting to set up shop once more. A wide assortment of goods, but mostly practical ones. Lots of clothing, food, handwoven blankets, livestock… and one face at a small pen he knew but couldn't place. 

Freckles. A young woman with sheep, and curly red hair to match their unshorn fluffiness. By the time he placed where he recognized her from, it was too late to back off. His intent staring had caught her attention as well, eyes widening and jaw dropping. His heart hit the floor. 

It was the girl he had abandoned to her burning home many a year ago. Shame heated under his collar as he strode over, immediately falling to his knees in a wide bow. The woman chuckled awkwardly, trying to drag him to his feet as people started to stare and point around them.

"No way. You got  _ taller... _ "

His head lifted quickly, realizing he was drawing undue attention and starting back up in embarrassment.

"It's you. From… I. I am  _ so _ sorry." His words fell without caution, words he had long held in his heart for this poor girl left at the painful funeral pyre in payment for their kindness to a stranger they had not known was a wanted man. She dragged him quickly around a corner, eyes locked directly on the priceless keepsake eyepatch he had treasured all these years with a sad sort of reverence.

"Celene. Yeah. It's me. Don’t worry about it. I figured who you were after all those rumors started going around about a one-eyed man and… I can’t really blame you for being scared.” 

“But I- I drew the ire of Cornelia’s men! Your family would still be-” 

She shushed him as much as she could before he stopped, catching his breath and clearing his throat.

“You would have  _ died _ otherwise. Besides, my friend's parents took me in. Know how we always said nobody in the capital knows how to shear sheep? I heard they was overthrowing that horrid lady and decided to take my chances once word made it back that things were safe. Maybe I could start an honest shop here.” 

Dimitri was so glad to hear positive news, and at least now had the chance to act on one simple act of repaying debts he had owed. Quickly, he rifled through his cloak, thrusting his entire heavy coin purse at her. Even if she rejected his offer, he knew he could sleep a touch lighter this night having tried.

“If I can do  _ anything  _ to amend my misdeed, please call on me. That is a promise. I… I ruined your family. It’s the least I can do. Take this as proof. If you need anything, please go to the castle and tell them I give you my pardon as a trusted ally."

"I'm guessin' I don't ask for Lambert, right?"

She snorted, hefting the weight of his gold with a muted curiosity. This woman was far more composed than he would have ever guessed, and it took everything in him to hold back his self-hatred long enough to answer. He scratched at his hair as he bowed his head solemnly. 

“Dimitri. Uh... Not King yet. I am in your debt.” 

“I could tell they were pursuing YOU, not the other way around, by the way. You were kinda skittish even answering simple questions, so we had a feeling something was up. A bunch of those Imperials were poking around the farm for months afterward, too. Gives me the creeps… I didn’t even know if you made it or not.”

A twinge of guilt. If only he had known back then. He chuckled, going to answer her and thank her for her humility once again before he was cut off with Annette screeching behind them a bit too loudly in surprise after she dropped the last few bites of her precious scone. 

“Oh! Dimitri!! There you are…” Mercedes called out, ignoring her friends overplayed pastry distress. He turned back to Celene, bowing once more. 

“Thank you for hearing me out. After all this time… I can hardly believe it’s you.” 

“I’m still surprised myself. Take care. Maybe come visit after I find a place to set up in the capital, yeah? I'll give you a deal on nice wool, considering how bad you seem at keeping warm I think you need it.”

She laughed, a light easy thing as she graciously took his gift. No shame, no fuss. A blessed small courtesy with how easily he got worked up at times, Dimitri bid her well and met up with his friends once more. Byleth was waiting a few steps back, distracted by some bright banners and hand woven blankets nearby. She spoke to the air, avoiding eye contact.

“Date, huh.” 

He stammered for an answer, trying to distract and cover his nervous laughter. He had not intended it as such, but…

“That was not my intent!!! Can I not show my dearest friend around without some hidden motive?” 

Byleth nodded with a smirk, and he was gladly convinced she was not put out in the slightest and was perhaps poking fun at him instead. 

“Oh… I see. You keep eyeing those blankets. Do you like them?” 

She nodded again, walking closer to one in particular and grabbing at the threads of blue and gold and white. 

“I like this. It reminds me of your eyes…  _ eye _ . Er…”

“It’s alright. I’m flattered.”

Uncertain, he kept himself from reading too much into her innocuous comment. Dimitri cleared his throat, regretting sending all his spare funds with Celene now that he couldn’t spoil Byleth like she deserved. 

“I apologize, Professor. I had a debt I needed to repay, so all my gold is… um. I can't buy this for you, though I would like to.” 

She looked confused at that, already going to pay for it herself. 

“You don’t have to pay for me. Actually, I’m glad that I have some free money of my own.” 

Dimitri nodded, Annie and Mercie giggling a short distance away echoing over the open air amongst the chatter of bartering as they kept a respectful distance from the two of them. It gnawed at him, that jealous drive to pry in on their gossip from earlier and see if he even had a chance with her before scaring Byleth off entirely. The last thing he wanted to do was lose her friendship to his overzealous desires. For her sake and his own, he stifled that worry best he could. Byleth stopped the stall owner from bagging her blanket to gleefully gather the thick woven wool around her shoulders, looking all the part a Faerghus foreigner terrified of a simple wind chill in late spring. He held back a snort at the bundled up squish pouting up at him for his amusement, pushing down the lump keeping her from seeing where she was walking. 

“You know, I would have given you my cloak if you asked.”

He thought he caught something spark in her at that, hiding her gaze quickly and changing the subject. Lately, it had been so hard to read her at times. It scared him. She cleared her throat, fixing the bundle more securely around her bare shoulders before picking up a new topic.

“Is this what you wanted to show me, other than those delicious sweets?” 

Dimitri nodded quickly, but pointed off to the side as well. 

“Well, that and my favorite weapons shop that seems to be gone… and if you like, there’s a lovely pond that is always full of fish in summer as well. Faerghus has never been well off in the way of luxuries, but we do have all the benefits of nature at our fingertips. I greatly enjoy the solace that is always just a step away, even in the heart of the capital here.”

Of course, her face lights up at the mention of fishing, but there is some other emotion mixed in that he hasn’t ever seen in her before.

"I've never seen you like this, Dimitri... I don't have any places I hold nostalgia for like you do. We moved around too much for that. I’m jealous..."

Without hesitation, he spoke his mind.

"We will just have to make some memories of our own then."

She didn’t say anything for a long moment, smiling softly at the ground in her fluffy blue cocoon.

"I would like that."


	42. Chapter 42- Celebration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or is it OTL 
> 
> Dimitri u idiot

"Your birthday is soon, is it not?"

As Dimitri spoke, Byleth tilted her head in confusion before taking a moment to think on his words. They had not yet left for Garreg Mach yet after Fhirdiad was stabilized once more, but preparations were nearly done. The slow filter of their allies through the stables at a lazy pace belied the tension at realizing once they got back, the war efforts would begin in earnest once more. She spoke easily, tightening a saddle.

"Oh… you're right… I'm surprised you remember."

_ How could I forget. _

"Had  _ you _ forgotten?" He asked.

"No… it's just. It was never much of a big deal growing up. I wonder how old I am even…."

She seemed genuinely puzzled, counting in her head as she pet her fluffy white horse.

"Because of what happened to you? I suppose it matters little the specifics. You still look just as beautiful as the day we met."

No sooner had the words left his loud mouth before he regretted them, eye blown wide as he tried to choke his impulsively thrown compliment off far too late. A blush found its way across her face as she turned away, clearing her throat and turning from him to save his dignity as she leaned against the stable door by some bushes. Or perhaps hiding her own reaction instead, he couldn't tell.

"I apologize that was... Too forward. er… Not my… intent-" He said.

"It's fine. You don't have to be embarrassed around me. Jeralt was purposefully vague on the details, so I'm not entirely sure how much it matters. I believe... I turned 21 shortly after I started teaching you." 

Frank as ever, at the very least he was glad to tell she would hold no ill will or awkwardness for his boldness.

"I just love this time of year, that's all. Before it gets too hot, but all the flowers are blooming. So I tend to remember it well." A hand was brought to his chin as he explained himself. "The fresh morning air, birds chirping, greenery. Though winter is my favorite, this is also lovely in its own way, I beleive."

She smiled softly at that, picking at the blooming flowers by her gently. 

"You really do detest the heat don't you… Deirdriu is gonna be a blast if Claude ever contacts us." 

She remembered it well from many years past, lost in thought as she picked at some hydrangeas before Dimitri spoke once more.

“I do indeed, but before we depart for the monastery, however, I have another request.”

Byleth tilted her head with mild curiosity. 

“There is a problem I must clean up in the Western region of the Kingdom that requires my fast action, and it would please me greatly if you would accompany me. Do you know of Arianrhod?”

She nodded. 

“I’ve heard of it. What do you need?”

“Well, The fortress was under the protection of House Rowe, so when he turned to the Empire, the Silver Maiden went with him. This is a direct access point to the capital, and I am growing more concerned each day that the Empire will attempt to undermine all our hard work thus far.. There are reports that reinforcements may be headed that way, and if we don’t act quickly… well. It will be exponentially harder for us to regain that lost ground.”

Byleth smiled lightly, propping herself up and excited about the prospect. 

“Alright. Let’s go now then, since we can head there on the way back.”

“You never cease to amaze me. Okay, let’s gather everyone immediately who wishes to help and split off from the main army as soon as we depart. ” He gratefully accepted her help, knowing that if he didn’t reign in his flattery that he could very well risk making her uncomfortable.  _ It was so damn hard, though… I’m just being honest.  _

-

Edelgard’s right hand man had shown, just as he feared, and wave after wave of endless grunts wore down their forces quickly as they traversed the maze like city to disable trap after trap. Morale was quickly deflating, though Dimitri refused to falter even as Hubert’s mockery rang through the streets. 

“I’m so glad I got here in time to stop the one-eyed monster himself! Edelgard will be most pleased…” 

His bitterness stayed safely hidden, dodging a shield bash while their enemies tried to rattle them. But with the traps down, all they had to do was rush their leader to cut them short.

“Hold fast. They may have the advantage of range but if we stick together we can cut through them like paper!!” 

They made their way quickly, though Mercedes and Flayn were worked to the bone making sure everyone’s spirits stayed up until they were close to Hubert’s range. In her distraction, unleashing a devastating attack at an armored enemy’s weakpoint, the bastard tried to take advantage and hit her. Dimitri grabbed Byleth's waist to heft her five feet from him in a roll, flinging both of them from the path of destruction. Hubert’s dark magic orb fell with a loud screech not inches from Dimitri’s head, thundering in his ears loud enough that he lost his bearings. Vaguely, he could feel someone pulling at him before the flash of Byleth’s relic hummed in front of him as everything reeled into sharp focus once more.

"Byleth! Are you alright?"

He cried, ragged as he steadied himself to flank the next enemy, but was hit due to how long he was down, he took a direct hit of electricity that clattered through his bones and sapped all his energy. She broke concentration to glare at him, holding him upright while he recovered.

"You utter  _ fool _ ! What were you THINKING!!" 

Taken aback, he tried to brush it off as battle nerves as he lanced a wide arc over his head, slicing clean through two guards that had rushed at them from behind. He flung the blade at the ground to rid it of blood before rushing in once more. 

"Helping you, of course! You would have taken a direct hit if I had not intervened!"

He wasn't sure if she would even hear him or not, and he didn't frankly care at the moment.

“That’s what I’m saying. I have enough magic defense that it would have proved mostly ineffective! I don’t appreciate it.”

Indignation flew through her in ragged cries of rage as she ignored him after, landing hit after devastating hit while even Sylvain and Ingrid found difficulty keeping up. Over her shoulder, her disappointment was apparent for a second too long before another fire ball flew by so close to her it singed the edges of her hair. Ashe cut the mage down quickly, giving a thumbs up to them from his perch a few paces away. She turned from surveying the scene to move towards the enemies cowering near the edge of the entry.

"Do not distract me."

The Professor stomped past Dimitri, ignoring him for the rest of the battle. It was over shortly thereafter, but that rat of his step-sister hung on like a pernicious hang nail even as he was confronted with five of their elite units at once. When all was said and done, they had retaken the fortress and pushed back the Empire’s forces, but Byleth’s mood was still soured.

"What the fuck did you do to the Professor?" Felix noticed the scuffle, casting a wary glance his direction as they secured the choke points. Dimitri scoffed, brushing him off and still annoyed from earlier.

"I simply tried to help."

-

Dimitri stalked the steadily recovering market in town once they returned to Garreg Mach, assessing the meager options with his replenished coin to make Byleth's birthday truly wonderful. Unable to buy her that blanket and having just embarrassed himself at Arianrhod, he knew it would most likely not prove enough but... 

Ingrid happened upon him, munching on some food stand's meat sticks before she realized who she was in the company of with a swift apology and hurried swallowing. 

"Again? You are going to run them out of stock with how often you frequent that place, Ingrid." He chuckled.

"Oh… your Highness. I'm sorry, I know it's not very becoming of me but I can't  _ help _ it."

A laugh rumbled through him. 

"No judgement. We must keep up our strength if we are to have any hope of prevailing in this war. How are you feeling after retaking Arianrhod?"

"I'm glad you asked, but I’m fine… what brings you away from your duties today?"

Ignoring her awkward attempt, he moved to answer Ingrid before being shocked with a heavy hand clapping him on the back with an undignified yelp. 

"Well now, is this a secret rendezvous? A knight and her lovely prince sneaking off for a romantic dinner of uh? Juicy meat… sticks…? Scandalous…"

He was trying far too hard to lighten the mood, joke losing steam halfway through as his friends wilted in embarrassment.

Ingrid groaned with a sneer. "Sylvain!!! You're so gross!"

"Sylvain… this is hardly-" Dimitri brought a heavy hand to cover his embarrassment before banishing the thought with a scoff. "-You know what? I'm not dignifying that with an answer. No offense, but I do not need your help in these matters."

"Alright then… what  _ do _ you need help with?"

Dimitri considered lying, but rolled his eye and relented, sure he would regret it as he turned back to the stall he was at. Salacious as he was, Sylvain did truly care. Maybe he would have more suggestions.

"It is the Professor’s birthday soon. I had thought to get a companion piece to the brooch I got last time, but I'm unsure if they even have something suitable now with how the war is…"

Sylvain was stunned.

"Wait! You got her a gift from  _ here _ back then?? Dimitri, laying it on thick don't you think?" he chuckled, blinking hard and ruffling his fluffy red hair.

"It… was from all of us, no?" he weakly answered, not even believing it himself. That was the flimsy excuse he gave then to spoil her, but looking back, she had surely seen right through it.

They were at the same stall he had gotten his previous gift to Byleth from, that lovely lion brooch she had worn once and then discarded. Dimitri worried it was too gaudy before he noticed she had just wanted to keep it safe from damage after proudly displaying it on her desk some time later. Now, his eyes wandered their less numerous offerings and worried over whether this ring that caught his eye would be taken as too serious for a friend. It glittered like her ethereal hair in the light, a large green gem reflecting all the beauty around it in a simple but elegant setting. He half-considered it as he reached to look closer before Sylvain leaned in over his shoulder.

"Uh-huh… your Highness. I think you're pushing it a bit now. Do you  _ want  _ her to think you are proposing?"

His panic rose fast and hard at Sylvain's worry.

" _ No _ ! I… no. Curses I… I'm not very good at this am I?"

"Well, after that conspicuous date in the capital you can hardly blame me for thinking so!" Sylvain's hearty chuckle rang through his hot ears as he held his friend by the shoulders.

"It was  _ not a date!!! _ " Emphatically, Dimitri frowned and turned away from the table. "You know what?  _ Fine. _ Mock me all you like. I just wished her to know how much I appreciated her guidance, but I can see now you are insisting on my embarrassment!!" 

He ought not get so worked up, but he truly was trying his damnest to keep up a cordial, non-threatening front for Byleth after all he had done to her. She bore the brunt of his bad fits and moods, and thus the creeping shame that overcame him whenever they spoke still tainted every word spoken between them.

"Grand gifts and private birthday parties, accidentally sleeping in each other's arms, gestures of affection, dramatic expressions of undying loyalty!!! You've got it all, except the self-awareness it seems."

He shied away from the shame as Ingrid thankfully interjected. Sothis bless her perfect timing. 

"Sheesh! If I didn't know any better I would say you are jealous! If he says they are friends, then leave it at that!"

Sylvain could talk all he liked. As far as Dimitri knew, Byleth still loathed him for how disgusting and cruel he had been anyway… A heavy sigh rose from the recovering playboy before he relented, brushing it off with a puff of his chest.

"Fine, fine. Maybe I'm a  _ little _ jealous. I’m sure we all wish to spend time with the Professor, but I think she’d appreciate one person’s company more than the rest."

"Sylvain…  _ please _ don't start again. I'll just... get her something else." Resignation laced his words with annoyance. 

-

"Are you sure it's alright for me to use your private quarters for this?"

She just stared at Dimitri till he relented with a sigh.

"You're right, as usual. Just give me a few minutes then."

A few minutes came and went after he banished Byleth from her room to set up the humble birthday party before retrieving her with the food in tow. She looked on the verge of tears as she walked in, staring down at his work. Dimitri had never seen her react in this manner to a simple kindness. All he had done was throw a fancy tablecloth over her table, set up the special bouquet Dedue assisted him with, and make refreshments, her conspicuously shaped gift laying on the bed. 

"It’s… too much isn't it. I’m terribly sorry for putting you on the spot and-"

"You remembered. The flowers I gave you."

He choked.  _ Of course I did. _ A blush spread across his face, fixing his bangs nervously. In his mind he was simply thanking her for all she had done when he was otherwise unable to appreciate it’s kindness. Those flowers of yesteryear had meant so much to him, staying in his room long enough for them to prove a constant reminder of his failings upon their return a few short months ago, long dead by then but held with care. It was symbolic to him, to be able to return them.

"I… thank you. This was not all my doing, but I did wish to properly pay you back somehow. I know it’s small but…"

“I love it.. But… there’s a new flower here.” She chuckled lightly and smiled again at the blue flowers in her hand gently as she gently grazed over the edge of a petal. 

“Oh, yes. I felt it prudent to mix it up a bit. That and we didn't quite have enough in the garden on hand with how meager things are to arrange it exactly the same.”

She smirked, moving to sit and pour tea for the two of them. So she did intend them to send a message, though she kept the details to herself. Byleth grabbed a pastry from his tray but simply poked at it, waiting for the tea to cool.

"I appreciate it. I mentioned before that I never celebrated my birthday much growing up. I think Jeralt got me a toy once when I was very little, and another birthday the second I was old enough he made sure to get me VERY drunk but… that was a mistake."

"How so? Though I very much understand not fitting in or liking attention on one's self. There’s no shame in that." he spoke softly.

"I… I don't want to talk about it." she answered.

He looked puzzled before shaking his head to push down the anxiety that she wasn’t enjoying herself properly. 

_ See. She's annoyed. We warned you. _

"Very well. Let us not ruin the mood then. Mercedes gratefully made you some treats as well, if you like."

"Gods yes do I! It’s been a long month, I could go for some of her blessed baking." 

The mood was light between them, so glad to just relax with no expectation. It had been far too long since they had the opportunity to indulge in such things, and nostalgic as well. Weekly tea had been one of their treasured activities at the monastery, though he was a great deal more awkward and overcompensated far too often in those days. It wasn’t long before he was back to his bad habit of old, fantasizing about a safe dream, a dream with  _ her _ , as if nothing had changed at all. But he felt guilty; things had changed. A lot.

"Dimitri…?"

He raised his gaze from the plate with his mouth full of pastry, noticing her dour expression as Byleth spoke once more.

"Why did you… why did you keep trying to save me at Arianrhod? You could have gotten killed."

A pang of guilt.

"I recall only once that I pulled you from the clutches of a poisonous death, unless I'm mistaken. It would do us no good to lose our most valuable asset."

Unrelenting, she now frowned.

"And what of our  _ King?  _ That  _ doesn't  _ answer my question."

"I saw you in danger and I panicked. I hope I haven't caused you any distress from it."

"You  can't fix everything."

She was right, but her blunt attitude was still a bitter pill to swallow when he still found himself wallowing in that lingering self hated and nihilistic deference every time he paused to fret his past missteps. After a long pause, he swallowed hard and spoke while guilt clenched his chest tight.

"You do know I… I meant what I said all those years ago, even now? I would still kill for you,  _ die _ for you, if it came to it, regardless of... you know. That was all I was trying to tell you."

Indignation and hurt was plastered plainer on her face than anything he had seen from her yet. Byleth pushed back from the table as her chair protested with a loud scrape, moving to leave even though they were in her room. She glared, fingernails digging into the table.

"I don't.  _ want. that." _

_ Dimitri, you boar! Can you not control yourself long enough to not hurt everyone around you? _

He scrambled for an answer quickly in his panic, the muffled voices slowly encroaching once more. 

"No! I! I apologize I didn't mean-"

"Do you really not care for your own life, even now? You're still neglecting your own needs to push yourself too hard and it's making you reckless again and I'm scared!!" she yelled, clearly disappointed that his thoughts were elsewhere despite his best efforts to reach her. Dimitri had not seen her this impassioned or upset since… since. Randolph.

_ Selfish fool. We warned you. _

"No! Of course I care! You told me as much how it would crush you to see me hurt…" 

"But  _ you _ don't care for yourself, if I'm not there to stop you. Do you."

Dimitri couldn't lie, not to her. He had none to blame but himself for this, in the end. She just wished him to value himself like she did, and all he could focus on dedicating himself to anything but his own health. It seemed like a joke that he was left out of, unable to even comprehend that she wasn't toying with him and wasn't actually hateful for his struggles. Far too perceptive for her appearance to suggest once again, and to the only end of chastising him.

_ Of course she is disgusted with you. Still a beast. _

"I… I should go before I say anything else impudent. Happy birthday, Professor."

He dropped the intimacy of her given name before ducking out and leaving her in peace with her unwrapped present laying on the bed forgotten. Her words echoed in his skull, taunting him. It was a misstep. She didn't mean it those bits of kindness before as anything but. She was mad that her friend didn't care if he lived or died and he was just a petulant child, unable to care for himself and focusing on his selfish wants instead...

He had ruined it. He ruined her birthday with his careless words, just like he always did. Like the goddess tower. Or his promises after the tomb. Or his pledge when he was sick. He didn't deserve to hope for anything more, not after this.

After the tea date, her scolding hung over his head like a dark cloud, finding himself for the first time since recovering pacing the cathedral, fretting over dropping off his note for whoever tended the advice box. He had not used it since dropping off silly bothers over broken weapons and how to approach a friend so many years ago, but again he was at a loss, too embarrassed to reach out to anyone else directly. Perhaps it was foolish to rely on such a silly thing in these serious times at his age, but maybe having his doubts validated by a stranger would provide a bit of peace at least. 

He slipped it in the unattended box and left swiftly, hoping nobody had noticed. 


	43. Chapter 43- Connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In some ways that was simpler, being too fucked up to see  
I didn't have to wake up to the world that was around me

A knock rang on Dimitri’s door early one morning as he worked through a stack of papers. His squished cheek stayed firmly planted in his palm, buried in legalities as he answered halfheartedly. 

"Who is it."

Through the door, a muffled reply.

"Gilbert, your majesty. I have a gift for you." 

"For me? Alright, come in."

To Dimitri’s confusion, the door opened with the man carrying a hefty box.

"I apologize, your Majesty. It was supposed to be finished before we left Fhirdiad, but they needed more time to perfect the fit. I hope it's to your liking."

New armor. A set that wasn't soaked in the stench of death and regret. The proud emblem of house Blaiddyd across the front and under the cape, the shoes blessedly, fantastically comfortable, new gloves no longer threadbare where he had worn them down. No rust, no bad memories. 

"Thank you, it's lovely." Dimitri answered plainly before being cut off as Gilbert bowed deeply. 

"I also must apologize. Upon reflection, I realize I may have been harsh on you after our… discussions. I seemed to have misunderstood a great deal about what you went through, and it is not my place to tell our King how to go about such things. You are improving, and that is all I can ask for. Your Professor at the very least seems trustworthy enough that you listen to her judgment as well."

Dimitri wasn't entirely sure how to respond, though he was glad Gilbert was at least going to try and lay off. This must have been about his nagging in the dining hall weeks prior.

"I am not King yet, but thank you. Apology accepted."

Gilbert was set in his ways, but awkward as it was he was trying. In the end, that was all he could ask, considering he had fallen further himself. 

"Also, I believe you had some urgent news waiting for you. Word from the Alliance, at long last. Seteth sent me to collect you to the war council."

Dimitri nodded, placing the breastplate back down.

"Ah. I shall go see what that is about then.. You can go now."

"Good day, Your Majesty." Gilbert bowed widely again before leaving, not seeing Dimitri suppress rolling his eyes at the title.

_ Majesty. I am not yet King… _

The formalities were just part of who Gilbert was at this point. It was better than nothing, but Dimitri couldn't help but sigh as the bitter creep of doubt as to his sincerity took over. He supposed it mattered little either way as long as he got what he needed, but trust was always going to be difficult for him. As long as Gilbert stopped his hypocritical chastising and left his personal life alone, Dimitri was fine. Maybe with a side of actually apologizing to his _ actual kid _and fixing his home life, but that seemed too much. He glanced at the bed, at least glad for the new armor in brilliant silver and blue as he ran his fingers over the emblem of his family crest across the front. 

  
  


-

Yet again Dimitri was kept awake the eve before battle, finishing off the last of his meager meal by the camp’s fire. It was a great deal hotter than just a month prior, being as Leicester was closer to the deserts of Almyra than the cold Faerghus, and so he found himself lounging in far less smothering layers than was his normal. Relaxing as best he could while the rest of their companions settled down, he heard feet approaching him. 

“Oh, is something the matter? Did you not just retire?”

Byleth nodded, rubbing her eyes. 

“I had a nightmare pretty much as soon as I fell asleep.”

He had not seen her wrest with fitful dreams during his week stay in her quarters, but perhaps she got them less often than he. Still, it hurt to see her go through the same pains that plagued him even now. Though they had decreased in intensity after he quit indulging his demons, it seemed that sleepless nights were one thing his mind would not lose hold of so easily. She sat next to him, flopping onto the grass on sleepy legs.

“I’m sorry to hear. We really are alike aren't we? I wonder what haunts you in the same manner as I, if I may be honest…”

Dimitri didn’t expect her to yank on his sleeve wordlessly, unsure of her intent as he turned his head to her. Byleth looked uncertain, so he encouraged her as gently as he could. 

“Yes?”

“Can I tell you something? Nobody can know. It's…. Related.” She looked haunted and mysterious, glowing in the fire back-lighting her hair in a halo much like when she cut through the sky all those years ago.

“To your nightmare?”

She insisted harder, not losing her tiny hold on his thin shirt as her brow furrowed. 

“Promise me.”

“Of course. I promise you on my life, I will not betray you.”

A deep inhale as she composed herself, dropping her grip to stare straight ahead as she spoke while Dimitri was enraptured. 

"I'm actually a terrible strategist, or at least I was at first. My nightmares are more like memories of real pasts that I actually lived… You remember when I was gifted the powers of the goddess in the forest?”

_ Real pasts? Where is this going? _

“Of course. I witnessed it with my own eyes. There's no denying that.” He answered quickly, nodding.

“I know I’ve hidden this for so long, but who would actually believe me? I have the ability to turn back time.” 

Blank confusion was all he could muster in return. He knew she had been gifted of the goddess, but what did this mean for the war? For all the deaths they had seen? For him suffering? For Rodrigue? Jeralt? He only grew more frustrated as the implications behind such a thing whirred around in his mind. He didn’t want to believe that she would ever intentionally hurt him, but he couldn’t help but panic at the possibility if this was true. Byleth cut him off, sounding more nervous than he had ever heard.

“You don't believe me. Okay."

Without hesitation, she grabbed his head and forced his ear to her chest, pulling him off balance with a yelp as he fell foward. Dimitri blushed and stammered, stiffening and misreading her movements for a few seconds as she held him there until he stilled and realized what her intent was. Holding her breath, there was nothing to hide the fact that her heartbeat was missing. 

_ Oh. _

"Your favorite food was cheesy potatoes gratin, before you lost your sense of taste.”

She spoke, nothing but the echo of her words through her warm chest to his ears. Blinking fast, he expected anything but that fact to come out, innocuous as it was. He had never told her that he lacked taste, right? Before the tragedy that was his favorite, yes but with the seriousness of the topic it seemed quite silly a thing to bring up, much less remember as notable about him if she had somehow been told such without his memory. 

_ “How-” _

“You told me before dying in a freak accident at the fight outside the academy with the monsters. They uh… completely tore you in half.” Byleth spoke, voice flat and eyes distant.

Her casual admittance churned his stomach, like seeing her friends die was so commonplace at this point it was like commenting on the weather. Byleth finally let go her iron grip holding his head to her, satisfied that he understood somewhat before she hit him with more random secrets of his.

“You've never broken a bone. Something about your crest, I think.” She continued a beat later.

_ Also correct. _

“You killed a rabbit as a kid. It sounded like it was an accident, but you were really torn up about it.”

_ No… not that… why would I ever tell her that... _

“I'm the only person you've ever kissed.”

_ OKAY that’s enough- _

He coughed at that, covering his face. 

“Please… thats…”

Hands rubbing at his neck to hide a blush as he mused over this, still listening to her. _ Gods his big mouth _ . Even if he did not remember, it had to have been him who told her. Some of this nobody else could have known. He covered his face, feeling the heat of embarrassment coloring his cheeks a brighter red. The more she spoke, the more he questioned why after all he had done she was telling _ him _ of all people this. Still, the words poured out of her like a flooded dam now that she was assured of their safe keeping with him.

“But it's limited. I can only summon its power during battle, and it takes a lot of energy. I _ PROMISE _ I tried to save Rodrigue and nothing came out. Sothis would not answer my call. Same with my father…. I was so exhausted, I couldn’t save them.”

She paused then as Dimitri remained flabbergasted, visibly wincing at the memory of Jeralt. 

"Sothis told me that some things are inescapable truths. I think he was one of them." Her voice was somber.

"Is that why you fainted after the forest? This same exhaustion?"

Byleth shrugged. "As far as I know, yes. I kept it from Rhea, so I don't know if I am the only one affected."

He reached out, hoping that she needed his touch as he rubbed her back. Slowly she spoke once more, eyes closed.

“You know who I have seen die more than any other, who I've had to turn back the clock in the hopes of keeping them alive? The one that wakes me in a cold sweat, in fear that I won’t be good enough, that someday, I’ll fail them one last time…”

He looked at her, pained. He knew the answer, but waited for her to speak on her own anyway.

_ “You.” _

The guilt crept up. He knew his death wish had been hurting people, but to this extent? Giving her the same pain he had been suffering from? It killed him. Even if he did not remember any of it, he knew it was such. He was reckless, begging to be killed for such a long time. How had he even survived five years without her fixing his mistakes? Wordlessly, he pulled her close this time as he tried to apologize the only way he could. His body shook with silent tears, trying not to suffocate Byleth as he muffled the fear in her shoulder. She melted into his hug, soft hands rubbing his back.

“I wish I could wash it away. I don't know what to do. I’m… I’m so sorry that I was so _ weak…” _he said.

"I disagree. I think you are the strongest person I know. I couldn’t have survived what you did, in all honesty. I just…."

She paused, and he felt she had more to say. Finally it clicked. Why it was him that she had told, and hard as it was he needed the confirmation. He pressed her, ignoring the shame that rose high enough to thunder his heart in his chest in two quick beats.

"Are you still upset with my words on your birthday?"

Byleth stayed silent. 

“I'm so sorry I joked about that. It wasn't fair.”

She laughed awkwardly. 

"I feel that I am always on a razor's edge between deciding your life and death when I talk to you. Those few months especially. I wanted to blame myself for everything, for going to help Rhea instead of staying with you, for… for somehow giving you the idea that I am without fault. Every day I had to look at your hollow face I wished I could go back."

Dimitri’s brow furrowed, losing his hold to face her.

"Pro… Byleth. You are not responsible for my actions. I just need to keep reminding myself that things are getting better, and those moments are but fleeting impulses." 

"I'm sorry, I'm really not that good at these things. I tried to talk to you last time and I lost my temper, because how could you not see how much you mean to…" 

All the self-assurance she held was gone in this moment, nervous laughter punctuating the depth of her words. Her pause was suspect. He wanted to ruin it, to break the thick pane of glass bowing under the pressure of words unspoken. He knew some sort of tension had grown between them, but he was at a loss as to why. 

"Even the most poorly chosen words can hold a bit of truth to them. It would hardly be fair of me to fault you for awkwardness on that front, after all."

“Dimitri... Can I be selfish this time?” She blushed, turning away. Peculiar for her, even after her brazen admittances thus far this late night.

“Go on, please.” He spoke quickly, worried he had insulted her once more before she cut him off.

"I don't want to sleep alone. Just tonight. I promise, I won’t do anything you don't want-"

_ Oh. _

He swallowed hard, avoiding her gaze hoping that the night would conceal his furious blush. In that moment, the infallible serenity that had always held her aloft far above himself melted away, and he saw the vulnerability in her words that was normally so neatly tucked away. It frightened him. This entire evening had been quite out of character for her, but maybe it was just him holding fast to an image of her that never existed. She was, after all, just a woman.

“Are you sure? Would anyone else get suspicious? Your reputation, if you were to be seen… Sylvain had already spread rumors some time ago about us.”

An eyebrow was raised, and Byleth looked like she wanted to laugh at him.

"Really? You are nearly king and you're worried about their judgement still."

“Well…” a light sigh and head shake, “I cannot say no to you after all.” 

"Yes you can. In fact, I hope you would sometimes."

"Well, true enough. But none of your requests are unreasonable so I don’t wish to."

She snorted at that with a smirk. 

"Is that a yes?"

In answer he rose, nodding and putting his empty plate away before following her to the edge of camp. As he parted the flap to her tent, the new blanket across her bed roll brought a smile to his face. 

_ It reminded her of my eyes… _

"How do you like your new blanket?"

Her eyes glittered. This was a terrible, _ terrible idea. _It was just a temporary abode, but something about the closeness of the space felt more intimate than her room.

_ She's so close. _

"I love it. It's soft and warm."

_ But I'm so lonely, and she did ask. _

She was so tender, so unguarded around him. But from her earlier words, he knew for sure he couldn’t risk anything unseemly. He wasn't about to undress like he normally would, fumbling awkwardly as he loomed in the corner. This was for her, not him. To help her sleep. It was difficult to focus on anything but the reality of her crouched next to him _ right there, _soft waves shrouding her expressions from him as she tried to search for something in her knapsack, pulling the mess of hair over one shoulder and leaving an enticing bit of neck open to his gaze. 

“Are you okay?” 

“S-sorry. I’m not used to this.” 

Dimitri immediately snapped into motion, robotic and stiff with worry. The last thing he wanted to do was make affronts to her dignity, to ruin her image in their army. He left everything but his boots on, throwing himself back against the thin pillow on the far side hoping that she would just be satisfied with this. He didn’t need blankets or fancy things after all his time on the run. Byleth seemed a bit out of sorts, barely visible before she snuffed her candle and then she just laid down right next to him. 

_ Too close. _

“Don’t worry, I’m used to tight quarters on the road for warmth.” she mumbled into her pillow, only highlighting just how close she was.

A few minutes later as he laid there with his hands folded behind his head, she made it worse. Rolling over, Byleth gently put her head on his chest and pushed herself as close as possible, though she didn’t move her hands to hold him. The awkwardness of her not vocalizing anything and giving him mixed signals… he had no clue what to do with it. He knew she trusted him. He knew she was comfortable around him, but had felt it was a chaste move. Dimitri let her, but all he could muster in return with his own panic was to put a shaky hand on her shoulder. She nuzzled in closer, dragging her precious blanket closer around her with a groan.

_ She’s testing you. Don’t fall for it. Don’t ruin this. _

With her this close, it was almost harder to ignore the voices that kept him up. He could tell she had slowly fallen to sleep again, her soft chest pushing against his side with each steady inhale, small hands clenched tight at his shirt. She was too cute, it was nearly unbearable holding back his impulse to lean in and kiss the crown of her head, run his hand down the curves of her spine, get her to make more sounds... 

_ Don’t think of that. She’s your friend, you animal. _

Why she would ever trust a bloodthirsty monster in this manner… he couldn’t comprehend it, even if the truth was undeniably cuddling him like nothing was wrong. It was the most peaceful he had ever seen her, trying and failing to stay awake with the fears of hurting her again mocking him until exhaustion took him under as well.


	44. Chapter 44- Distorted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If I could change
> 
> The way that you see yourself
> 
> You wouldn't wonder why you hear
> 
> They don't deserve you 

There he lay, warmth enveloping his relaxed form against the hard ground. The warmth of another, and the very one he had dreamt of many times before though now it was real. 

"Dima…" 

He woke to Byleth mumbling sweetly as the scent of peonies and home roused him, blinking hard as the world drew into sharp focus around the woman pressing her backside into him accidentally. If she wasn't asleep she would have noticed how painfully hard he was, and all he could do was pray to Sothis that she stayed that way. There was no way this could be read as chaste. He nuzzled closer, wrapping an arm around her tiny waist with a weak sigh of approval from her as she melted even more. A pained groan left him at her response, knowing that after the insomnia and… _ this _... he would be left with half a night's sleep in the end. At least Byleth would be well rested, curled in his arms without a care in the world while he tried to curb his body's enthusiasm. He worried if he let go that he would be alone once again, his five years of isolation never far from memory. 

But touch starved as he was, the chill of shame rose through him for even enjoying the moment, for holding her like she was more than a friend, for hoping for what she could never reciprocate. Despite knowing how much it would have helped him to let go just like Byleth did and stop those worries from seeping in, his mind did not allow it for long. Dimitri wasn't entirely sure if anything that transpired was intentional or not, but as it was close to morning call either way he gave up trying to fret over it. Pulling himself free of her tangle of soft hair to leave, Byleth just curled back up with a squeak of annoyance. Still painfully turned on, but at least now less of a risk of touching her without permission with his reckless horny brain firing on all fronts.

Parting the flap of her tent he was met with Annettes' soft gasp of surprise from across the way. She spoke gently to not wake any others, but he could tell she was far too amused at finding him in such a compromising spot.

"Wait a minute! That's the Professor's tent, isn't it?" she said, eyes wide with curious ferocity.

Fear flashed up in him immediately, rushing over to point a very serious finger in her direction with a panicked hush. 

"If anyone hears about this, I swear I will never forgive you. _ Nothing happened." _

She just giggled in response like she had just solved a tricky puzzle. Dimitri couldn't quite believe she wasn't putting him on as she hid a smirk behind her early morning reading.

"I promise, I promise. Everyone needs to relax from time to time, right?" 

Breathing a heavy sigh, he pinched the bridge of his nose, moving to run away and bathe upstream before pausing.

_ 'Relax.' Just what does she think of me? _

Turning heel quickly, Dimitri crossed his arms and lowered his voice once more. He was tense, trying to remain calm but finding himself over-explaining in a panic anyway.

"It's not _ like _ that! _ She _asked me to.. Um. Keep her company… she couldn't sleep. Had a nightmare. And besides, it wouldn't be right to be rude and turn down a lady…"

Annie hummed gently to herself as she flipped her tome open once more, ignoring him as he gave up. 

"Whatever you say…" she mumbled. “but you’ve been keeping her company a lot lately.”

-

Placid waters did little to snuff the horrid degeneracy currently brewing in his mind. What she had even thought when she asked to sleep next to him… 

_ No. _

_ Gods no. I sound like Sylvain. _

No matter what, Dimitri knew he couldn't justify deeming himself worthy of _ that _fantasy. Every time he indulged in his fanciful ideas of youth,he felt the creep of arrogant shame for ever letting it meld more with reality. After all the hurt he had caused her, caused everyone… this was his own fault, to live with the weight of disappointing everyone no matter how much it hurt to lose that hope. He still had a future, but it wasn’t what he had envisioned.

_ Dreams are dreams. Nothing more. She intended nothing by it, just as she always has. _

Despite the lap of cool water against his bare skin, his mind would not put the matter to rest. Byleth was so open and kind, trusting even a monster like him with her deepest secrets in the hopes it would keep him from straying from the path he had chosen. How could he even assume depravity of her intentions, when she had done little but scold him time and time again for his childish behavior? 

_ Perhaps it is _ ** _not_ ** _ ego that trips me up. It is fear of rejection. _

It scared him to admit, but perhaps he had misunderstood everything till now… It was natural to grow your own opinion on things. But somehow he couldn’t feel but exempt from that, the gnawing worry that he was still wrong or different sticking to his every pore that had touched her just minutes ago. That world wasn’t for him. The river threatened to pull him away, limp and lifeless as he floated there fretting over things that would never happen despite himself. 

-

If she felt anything unbecoming for what had happened that morning, it showed not as they readied themselves for battle, the softest of smirks from her aimed at him as they were intercepted at the gates of Derdriu. They had arrived just on time, chaotic and hopeful Claude once again putting his hopes and livelihood on a chance. 

“Risky move…” Byleth sighed.

“I shouldn’t be surprised Claude decided to hinge his survival on a prayer. I’m just glad our backup troops were able to assist us in time.” Dimitri’s tone was steady, sure. He had guessed as much that Claude holding out on their own had worn the Alliance thin over the long years Dimitri had spent incapacitated. “He has placed all his hopes on us. Let us make sure we live up to his expectations, Professor.” 

She nodded, resolute and hopeful. They wished to spare as many as they could, and Claude’s masterful manipulation to lead the Kingdom army into the back end of a pincer attack would likely overwhelm Imperial forces quickly enough to reduce casualties. Dimitri called out to their front line defense with newfound authority. 

“Allies! Take the right path to Claude and secure his safety first! I will take a small section to the left and finish them off on the way. We must not let the leader of the Alliance fall!” 

As their soldiers ran forward to engage, Byleth patted him on the back, intent on following him. Dimitri was strong enough that with her, Felix, and Ashe’s assistance he was sure he could sweep up the stragglers on the way to the main engagement in the open plaza. The synergy was fantastic between the two of them, though Dimitri kept his guarded distance in shame from what he did earlier. 

She couldn't know.

His plan was simple, slowly making their way through unfamiliar streets with the bright summer sun bearing down on them. Enemies were cut down with ease, one by one. Ashe kept post by himself on the now closed gate, trapping the invading Adrestian forces like rats in a cage.Yet despite Dimitri’s best efforts, he felt the lack of sleep slowly catching up with him. By the time he was facing his uncle, his fortitude had worn thin. Of all the people to show up, he had not anticipated this. Their simple plan turned on it's head immediately as he locked eyes with the cold man on his horse, a smirk crawling across his slimy face. Arundel's sick peal of laughter stripped away all of Dimitri’s false bravado in one fell swoop, leaving nothing but a broken child crying for answers once more. A glare was set beneath his sweaty brow as he met his traitorous uncle. This was an impostor, he was now sure of it.

_ Why is HE here?? I thought I was over this obsession! _

Yet the pull of concrete revenge presented to him in the man’s haughty posture and set jaw did little to abate the thrumming in his veins. The call to give in, to let the tightness in his chest and disgust at the vile creature glaring down at him steal his life force. Separating from the moment, he tried to steel himself before the man spoke. 

“You would raise a weapon against your Uncle? You’ve grown into a savage of a man, just like your father.”

Dimitri swung wide with fury, cutting him down from his horse before his brain could catch up with his instincts. The whinny of dying pain from the animal could not drown out Dimitri’s scream of rage at the utter disrespect to speak badly of his father.

“What the fuck are you talking about you MONSTER! You aren’t my Uncle!” 

_ Futile. Useless. WHY DID I EVER TRY TO FIGHT IT I'M WORTHLESS I COULD DO NOTHING THEN AND I CAN DO NOTHING NOW- _

His boot met the body below him, numb and shaking before physically stopping himself with an abrupt jerk. Even without the bloody remnants of whatever face was covered in his Uncle's, it was barely noticeable. His stomach churned, hiding from his shame as his hands groped desperately at his growing migraine. 

_ Monster. You can't escape this. _

The bitter ache of hopelessness crawled over him once more, trying to clear his head and breathe to get some mental space from what he had just done as he gave one last kick with a cry breaking his rough voice. Dimitri was naught but a ship at bloody sea thrown about by the whimsy of a chaotic mind rife with war. Unable to withstand the cruelty of it’s lashing at his soul, it was all he could do to hold on for dear life until his faculties slowly returned to him, realizing he hadn't touched Arundel at all.

_ What???? _

Dimitri reeled, absolutely sure that what he had just seen and done was real until it melted away. Once again, frightened of himself and his impulses, and beyond confused. It was so _ real. _So concrete… visceral images of bits of brain crushed beneath his heel flashing through him as he tried to blink away the upsetting idea. The weight of his form, the stench of blood still stuck in his mind as he shook his head violently. He was just tired, just confused… He clenched a hand over his chest to steady himself before Byleth stepped forward, covering him without a word as her jaw was firmly set with determination. She knew. 

“Talk. _ Now.” _The Professor commanded Arundel to answer, sword raised down her gaze towards his traitorous Uncle. 

The sick impostor just laughed, rolling his shoulder and pulling his steed up on hind legs in a display of control. 

“Your very presence has foiled our plans once again, outsider. This is none of your business.”

The disrespect towards his precious Professor did nothing but annoy the enraged Prince, still clenching his chest but slowly steadying on his feet once again.

“You are rather calm for one in your position. Or did you forget this is a battlefield, standing against the infamous One-eyed monster of your own making? Perhaps there is no time for words, Uncle. We can talk once you are out of commission for good.” Dimitri’s voice was firm once more, emboldened by Byleth’s support. 

“So thirsty for blood...” 

Despite his cool demeanor, he could tell his Uncle was rattled. For good reason too, as his Nephews cold-blooded glare was enough to set the fear of the goddess back in the bastard. He threw a flash of fire in Dimitri's direction without warning to try and put space between the two of them, but it was easily dodged. He knew time was short before Dimitri could gain the upper hand in physical combat, horse protesting at his rough command before Dimitri tried to spare the beasts’ life to no avail. The animal was moving too quickly and Dimitri caught a leg with his broad slash, throwing Arundel in a roll forward over the bowed head as it was felled with the easy range of Areadbhar’s ridiculous range. Dimitri twirled his divine spear about his body in a skilled display of intimidation, jaw set hard in bitter determination before lunging in. Arundel scoffed in anger, lifting an arm to cast a spell Dimitri’s way before Byleth’s sword extended from his blind side, lashing the man’s forearm free of his body. Blood gushed freely from the wound as a loud keening pealed from deep in his Uncle’s chest, teeth gritted in a rage. Before he could recover, Areadbhar was thrust into his squishy core, ripping a tear in his gut sure to kill him in a few short minutes. Just long enough to get what he wanted, and just painful enough that Arundel could not run from his wrath. 

“Tell me now, Uncle. The incident nine years ago… You were involved, weren’t you?” Dimitri did his utter best to hold back the bile rising at the thought, but after what Cornelia had said… his sister... it haunted him. 

  
  


“You know something. What did Cornelia… No. What did my stepmother do??” Dimitri continued, pressing the man laying as he bled out as he towered over him. Arundel spit blood at him, looking utterly amused even on his death bed on the unforgiving stone below, surrounded by his enemies. 

“You are not qualified to look into the darkness.” 

Arundel went limp, falling back against his remaining arm and then slumping over before Dimitri dropped his weapon to yank him up by the collar. Powerless then, as boy, and powerless now as his voice broke in fury, slamming the man's limp head into the stone below. 

“What darkness?? Who is behind this!! TELL ME!”

The images from before flashed in front of him, choking him up as his grip stilled on the corpse’s collar. The contrast was rough on him, non-permanent as it was he felt dizzy before his voice broke into a whine, horrified at the twisted visage frozen in deathly pain staring back at him. It was useless. Fire, cries of rage, phantom pains wracking long healed wounds. Revenge, slipping from his grasp, reflected in the disgusting evil man’s glazed over eyes. Bitter to the end, Dimitri shook him in futility, knowing he was gone. 

"SPEAK YOU BASTARD!!" 

_ No. NO. It’s over. He’s dead. Stop this. STOP. _

Dimitri stilled, not realizing the tears that had overflowed until they hit his shaky hands on the corpse beneath. His chin quivered, anger turning to frustration. He would never get an answer, would he? Peeling his iron grip off of Arundel’s coat felt like breaking his fingers, resolute in his fear as he was. Another failure. His good eye rolled shut, haunted by the pain of loss in every wound he had obtained at these cruel bastard’s hands. 

“He’s dead. There goes our chance to gain more information. Then again, even if we had managed to capture him alive…” he sighed. 

“Let’s go, we can talk later.” Byleth’s voice was soft, beckoning him towards the small party of survivors. It took him a long minute to steady himself, feeling sick at yet one more let down. Slowly, he nodded, rising and roughly throwing the bastard’s dead body back against the stone before kicking it for good measure. 

“I should have expected as much.” His tone was bitter, but his rage was held back with no small amount of effort. Byleth walked to meet Claude, a bit roughed up but mostly unharmed as he greeted her gleefully.

“Hey, Teach!!! I knew you would get him to come.” His cheer was apparent, arms thrown wide as he clapped a large hug around her. Byleth seemed slightly confused, patting his back gently before he held her once again to look her over. “We made it okay, don’t worry. This was all part of my plan. The people of Derdiru were evacuated this morning, safe on the other side of that bridge before anyone got here. It was just our small army in danger.” 

She chuckled, waiting for him to drop his hold. Dimitri made specific note of Claude’s unguarded affections slightly confusing her, compared to how comfortable she was around him just hours prior. He couldn’t quite place why it confused him, lost in worry until he was called to attention. 

“So, your Highness! I’m glad to see you back in form. I knew if anyone could help pull you out of that pit, she could.” Claude’s wink seemed pointed, though Dimitri hid a blush at that behind rubbing at his neck. There was no way he could pick up on his affections that quickly… 

“Ah, yes. We couldn’t just leave you without assistance after your messenger made it to us.” 

His honor wouldn’t allow it. Danger or no, this was the path he had chosen, and he was proud to help an ally in one simple act of rebellion against the violence and selfishness that had ruined their lives thus far. 

“At any rate, we should go celebrate! Now that Derdriu is safe, it’s on my bill tonight as thanks for your assistance.” 

Claude shook Dimitri’s hand as he bowed in return, putting up his proper front as a protection once more. Hopefully he could dull the upset with alcohol for just one night, kept safe around companions to not dwell too long on his failings. Claude moved to leave, hopping back on his wyvern and soaring over the battlefield, leaving Dimitri and Byleth alone in silence. 

“You….um.” Byleth sounded worried, words coming up short before she continued. “You were really agitated… at what Arundel didn’t say. Do you really think she was behind it? Do you think it was true?” 

He turned to face her broad concern as they walked, biting his lip with brow furrowed. 

“I don't know if it even matters. What difference would it make now if Patricia really loved me or not?” His tone was somber, casual admittance of defeat. This was not what he had promised, but the small flash of a possible lead had broken his iron will far too quickly to his great shame.

“Should I lose the future to solve the problems of the past?” 

He knew it had to be true, painful as it was to admit. He said it both to convince her and himself. Did it really matter? What would it change if she was at fault? His life would still have taken the same path regardless. Pain is not a punishment of divine intervention exacted upon deserving evil, perhaps, but an unlucky burden thrust on him. Maybe there was no meaning in his suffering after all, and searching for it so long had nearly killed him. Dimitri stilled, lost in himself for a long while. Byleth just smiled softly at him with her eternal patience before dragging his arm towards the support of their allies filtering down the broad cobblestone after Claude.

"Let’s go."

Step by step, she guided him to a better future. One not embroiled in regret and fear, but in support and hope.


	45. Chapter 45- Lavish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Posts this and runs before you all can kill me for it-

Later that evening after being shown the town, Claude had deliberated that everyone deserved a well earned break for helping him out. At the very least, it was on  _ Claude’s  _ tab and Dimitri couldn't be persuaded to turn down that offer, looking for any excuse to cut the pain. Walking into the low ceiling at first, Dimitri was subject to a joke or two about being a human tree before the boys plus Ingrid managed to get seated in a round booth. Around the ornately decorated Hotspot hung colorful banners, every surface not covered in those had hand painted tile in intricate designs, and beads hung from nearly all of the plush fabrics. But that wasn’t what drew Dimitri’s attention. 

His female allies had all switched attire to their  _ own  _ plush fabrics adorned in intricate beading. In comparison to the simple assigned uniforms or even the rare dancer class attire, that was a  _ joke.  _ He assumed they had found a shop while wandering that afternoon and taken it upon themselves to throw all their allies into a tizzy with the surprise. Dimitri could hardly pull his thirsty gaze from Byleth, blinking hard in disbelief. Byleth chuckled as she danced freely, and he couldn't tell if her smirk was aimed at him or not as they all seemed to play a coy game of tease. Waking up how he did that morning was nothing short of pure torture and this certainly wasn’t helping; he dreaded talking with her about what had happened though he knew it would come up eventually.

_ It's not fair. _

Byleth had to have known how cruel that was, laughing as carefree as ever while he was haunted by his mistakes. Arundel… he snapped so badly partially because of his inability to sleep, but perhaps it was unfair to blame  _ her _ for that. It was his own doing that stopped him from simply enjoying the company offered with his selfish whims. 

_ "Animal. Depraved boar. Look at you, leering at her like a beast in heat. After all she's done for you, in the end you can't even hold back enough to…" _

The voice was indistinct, clinging to him not in concrete form but in impression only, lingering in his head till he was roused at a server arriving with the first round of drinks. Immediately, he set in, downing whatever was presented to him without hesitation for the bitter bite in the back of his throat. Sylvain and Ingrid gawked at him for such, stopping their chatter to watch their king drink like a fish. 

“Uh… are you okay there Dimitri?” Sylvain’s eyebrows raised, incredulous.

Blinking fast at realizing all eyes were on him, he tried to laugh it off. “It is fine. Do not worry about me.” 

They didn’t look convinced as Claude broke the tension to throw a fruit at a very annoyed Felix who scoffed, annoyed that he had fumbled intercepting it ungracefully. 

“I don’t  _ like  _ sweet-” 

Claude cut him off with a snap of crab leg on the plate in front of him. 

“It’s not, don’t worry. Try it."

The group continued to grill Dimitri to let loose while he downed glass after glass, intent on ignoring them while they happily chatted over all their progress and hopes for the future. He would rather watch the others than make a fool of himself, but was quickly broken from staring at Byleth's flashy moves again with Claude’s prodding.

"You're telling me that none of these girls caught your eye? You know, nobody would blame you for letting off some steam with all the pressure you're under." 

Claude spoke with a smirk, immediately cutting through his defeated buzz. Dimitri was here to ignore his problems, not to add to them. But he could not stop his gaze from flitting to the Professor’s backside next to them as she leaned over the tall bar for another drink.

"I get it now. Shoulda looked closer, I guess." he added a beat later.

Dimitri’s eye meandered back to the table full of delicious food he could never enjoy with his thoughts far away, ignoring what Claude had said.

"Don't worry yourself over me. I am just happy to be alive right now." Dimitri said flatly.

"Have you even tried yet? You didn't strike me as the type to back down when it matters, but I suppose even the great Claude von Reigan can misjudge character from time to time."

His gaze dropped, good eye laden with regrets he could never take back. It scared him, the intensity of need. The shame of knowing it was too late for that to work, and the shame of wanting it anyway.

"I am afraid I'm not ready. I still lose myself sometimes, and after all I've done... I don't deserve it. Besides, if I were to..." 

Sylvain pipes up, for all his drunken swagger trying to break up the somber mood as he fell clumsily into Felix’s lap.

"Things like this don't always happen when  _ we _ want them, though. I mean shit, I've been looking for years and all I got was a bunch of bitter girls and pitchforks lobbed at me!!" 

Tears threatened to fall. Dimitri choked them back, hand soothing the ache at his nose bridge as he prayed they would find a new point of interest that wasn't him. Ashe looked like he wanted to add something, but thankfully lifted himself from the round couch to go dance off the jitters instead. Sylvain, never one for subtly, prodded him again.

"Dimitriiiiii…  _ c'mon… _ just  _ go _ for it. What's the worst that could happen? I dunno! Just talk, or somethin- and no daggers this time, okay?" 

Sylvain melted, digging in hard at his begging while Dimitri tried to engross himself in the suddenly  _ very  _ interesting Almyran finger food lavished before all of them.

"You don't know how things are. She's expressed before that… that it's not like that."

"Please, for fucks sake just get it over with. You don't know how  _ sick _ I am of hearing about this constantly. How many years now has it been??" Felix snapped before Dimitri could wallow any longer, grumbling into his mug with a frown. 

Dimitri should have known they would pick this up as soon as they all realized his crush of yesteryear had not waned in the slightest, but even so embarrassment rose in him at the vulnerability. Ingrid snapped with her mouth half full of food at them as she pointed a heavy finger at the worst offender with his face now red with booze to match his fiery hair.

"Even you, Felix? Goddess above you three, leave him alone!!" She scoffed.

"Lighten up Ingrid! Are you…  _ jealous _ or something?" Sylvain said with a chuckle.

_ What is there to be jealous of!!! She is either completely unaware of my problem, or so uncomfortable she's avoided the topic till now!!! _

Sylvain smacked his lips loudly, leaning back over to press his food into her face before she half heartedly slapped him for the impudence. Felix chuckled despite himself, and that was the most you would get from him even drunk.

"As if! Get off me you drunken oaf! You're ruining my  _ delicious  _ meal,  _ and _ we have a war to win don't forget." Ingrid barked at them.

"Precisely my point. This is my own foolish doing. It is unfair to shoulder her with such burdens." Dimitri added quickly, eager to stop their bickering over his personal affairs.

Faux mockery overplayed Sylvain's response as he bowed over at the table.

"Yes, oh my saintly Lady knight! How could I lose my  _ honor _ like this and get distracted by the thought of helping my hopeless friend get his dick wet!"

Dimitri audibly choked at Sylvain’s crass joke, but before he could protest Claude cut them both off, pouring more wine for Dimitri as his heavy gaze lingered on him.

"Well, at least Ingrid has taken a shine to all the lovely pizzazz Almyran cuisine has to offer. It is enticing, no? Powerful, complex, delicious…." 

Instead of Ingrid, Sir Von Reigan winked at Dimitri and he got the distinct impression Claude wasn't speaking of spices. His face soured once more, shrinking into the plush couch as much as he could with his lanky frame. They were both having a go at him for his badly concealed affections. 

_ Great. _

Sylvain plowed right over Claude’s subtext to respond, gushing over the food.

"Oh  _ man,  _ you don't know how welcome all this spicy stuff is compared to Faerghus' bland food!"

While Dimitri averted his gaze, he felt even hotter even with his plunging neckline as Byleth smiled back over her bare shoulder at them talking, her joy entrancing him and the booze doing a horrid job of concealing his leering. All he could do was hope the music was loud enough to drown out his friends' frankly  _ terrible  _ attempts at rattling him... Pounding the rest of his drink as he watched her silently sneak out of the back towards the bay, Sylvain clapped him on the shoulder in parting.

_ You win. Fine. I will talk to her, just to tell her so I can put this silly thing to rest for once. At least she will know not to unintentionally give me hope any longer. _

Almost immediately, Dimitri was slammed against the wall outside, knocking the wind from his lungs. Byleth had been drinking as well it seemed. A giggle rumbled through her at his surprise, barely out of sight of the others as she squished her highly exposed chest against his own now pounding in shock at her boldness. The faintest whisper of the flimsy fabric draped across her form tickled across his bits of exposed skin, as was the fashion, rising a shudder from him before her gentle fingertips whispered that same promise across his scars. Delicate, but insistent. 

_ What in Fódlan is she-?? _

"I saw you staring. That's not very gentlemanly of you…" He gulped hard, hands gingerly resting on her hips as if he was scared of crushing her or making her uncomfortable. Unsure of her intent, he didn't wish to make things more awkward considering her state as well. Despite her staring, despite all her efforts to help him, despite her asking to cuddle, despite her now insistent pinning of the man almost twice her size, he somehow remained oblivious. Dimitri was here to stop it now, get it over with before he could make more of a fool of himself, sure that his ego would catch up with him and ruin the synergy in their front lines with his impulsivity.

"I.. I'm sorry. I should pay more careful attention to-" he was cut off as she pulled him down by the collar to kiss him roughly, surprise stealing his breath for half a beat before he caught up with her intent, kissing her back with twice the fervor. Teeth accidentally met his lip, not quite bruising but unmistakable in her desperation. She wants him?

_ She wants him...  _

Then what held him back from giving her all she wanted? Dimitri pulled back.

"Byleth, are you alright?"

She just giggled, suddenly resting her unsteady body weight on her arms around his neck. 

"-nette told… me to. Um. Come talk, so talk I shall!" 

She tried to kiss him once more, too drunk and short to actually connect without his wanting it as well though. His Professor was so impossibly, painfully adorable like this, but regardless he needed to know, so he pushed down his excitement for a moment. Dimitri gingerly carried her to the wide banister nearby to at least get her off her shaky feet, determined to get a hard answer out of her for her strange behavior.

"Annette told you to… come talk to me." 

She nodded with a pout. "Kiss me, pleaseee… I thought you would when I asked you to, um…" 

_ Last night. I'm a fool. _

Just the thought of her so close that morning gave way to the ache of lust once more, letting her pull him closer. Byleth only grew more needy, the refreshing night breeze of summer blowing through the coastal town billowing the thin fabric draped over her arms. She ran tiny hands up his scarred arms, giggling like an idiot as Dimitri slowly relaxed into her touch. He leaned down this time, not wanting to ruin the moment as he kissed her back gently, savoring her like a delicate wine. He was a panicky animal, oblivious and earnest, but he was not so stupid as to pass this up, hands gripping her waist as a tether to the world while he was lost in heaven. 

"Is this okay?" he whispered against her lips, searching for any doubt in her large eyes. She nodded immediately.

The need expressed by her at long last was overwhelming, and he could never deny her. Not when her plush lips urged themselves against his own, awkward and exploratory, they slowly melted into each other lost to the world. Byleth's soft whines deep in her chest made his heart jump. He let her drag his mouth open to drink him in deeper, their tongues finding a desperate rhythm that neither could quench.

It was so sweet, and despite his lack of taste he could swear there was something undeniably  _ her _ in the sensation as their breaths got away from them, clinging to each other in blissful ignorance. Neither of them wished to part, gasping for air and moaning at finally being allowed to let down those barriers that had slowly come between them. Tenuously, Dimitri let himself enjoy it, taking her lead as her hands traced his jawline, pinning his face in place before breaking apart to pepper kisses across it. 

Something pricked at his memory as he tried to sort his overwhelmed thoughts. He wanted this more than anything, yearned for her affection so desperately it aches but some tiny voice in the back of his head wouldn’t drop this niggling little worry that something wasn't right. His body was screaming at him to continue and she was begging for it, rock hard almost immediately as he was pinned against her. Her voice was breathless on his skin, asking a question she knew the answer to as she tried to fumble with the buttons of his shirt. 

"Have you ever…"

Dimitri shook his head quickly, hands trembling. 

_ Too fast. _

"No I-  _ No! _ No." A pause in confusion. "I may have accidentally witnessed a, um? I don't know if-"

_ The last time my hands were on her hips like this… and… I was drunk… _

He froze, finally putting into concrete thought that which had been bothering him.

"Byleth... Do you remember when I was indisposed in the tower... after Rodrigue scolded me?"

The buzzed cheer drained from her face in confusion, likely taking longer to process his random request before answering as she clutched at him for stability. 

"Uhh... What brings that up now…"

He insisted, fingers digging in her sides just a touch. Her hands paused as she gave up trying to undress him further.

"I just. I need to know why. Why didn’t you stop me sooner. You … you let me embarrass myself and for…" his voice was weak and broken.

She cut him off with a fingertip to his lips, smirking playfully as he fought to keep her steady and not fall backwards over the railing. 

"Shhhh… would you be offended… I. Hah. Well. Okay maybe I REALLY shouldn’t say this... I guess I realized then how…" she eyed him up and down greedily. "How big you had gotten and.. Um. I've never felt this way before. I mean, you were cute before, but when you were towering over me, and… You said you wanted to use me, I shouldn’t have liked it, but it was so sexy, and during that sparring session when you were, um... Close." The words tumbled from her, slurred and disjointed.

_ Use you.  _

Dimitri froze. Wasn’t she giving him everything his teenage heart had hoped for admitting this? Then why did it hurt? Blinking fast as he sat there, eye locking on her heaving chest as his own grew tighter. She was so far gone she didn't know what she was saying, just like he was back then. This wasn't right.

"Sexy… me? I... I could have  _ hurt _ you. I…could have gotten you killed. I almost touched you without knowing what I was doing!"

The words fell before he could catch them as well, not bothering to overthink if he was even allowed to be upset at her thoughts.

"I  _ know, _ but I know you  _ wouldn't _ … just. I don't know. Forget I said anything, that was stupid." 

Byleth stammered, finally realizing she had misspoken as she locked up. He avoided her gaze, unable to affirm what he knew he would find there. His hands went slack and he stepped back, swallowing hard. His confidence deflated immediately, leaving a sinking pit in his chest. 

"Byelth, I’m  _ so _ sorry I just-" he whispered.

And Dimitri walked away leaving her, hands starting to shake as he realized he needed space to figure out why his body reacted how it did. It hurt him to be selfish and deny both of them, but he  _ had _ to.

"Dimitri! Please I…" she cried, not wanting to scream for him before giving up.

He was so reckless, so deeply  _ ashamed _ of how he had acted during his struggles that hearing she found his inability to control himself alluring made him want to puke. Maybe she had just spoken incorrectly. Maybe she was sparing him by not saying she was terrified by his odd proposition he scarcely remembered. The ghost of her kiss lingered on him and shame crawled down his neck as he went to step back into the dimly lit club. 

_ What have I done?  _

Hands covered his face in shame, hiding in on himself unsure of anything now. Everything was unsteady, and the music was suddenly far too intense. He went out to meet her to put his silly feelings to rest and she only made it  _ worse.  _ Something about her actions struck him as deeply unsettling. It wasn't just that she was proposing things he wasn't sure he was capable of, but perhaps….

_ I saw the same beast in her as lies in me. _

Stalking out of the venue, his chest was clenched tight. He was stopped just short of the door by a very flushed and jovial Claude who then leaned in with a chuckle to shout in Dimitri’s ear.

"I hope you have good food at the wedding!" 

Before Dimitri could protest, the man was off and running on some other errand. Too embarrassed to tell him it went south, he left the rest of them for the evening.


End file.
